How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book One (2 page)

The girls started screaming. Some of the boys joined them. One of those boys might have been me. 

The thing was huge, more than twice as tall as a human. It had a hairy, ape-like body and a neanderthal type of face. But definitely the face of a person, not an animal. Something about it felt familiar but it wasn’t until a soldier called out, “Ogre!” that the pieces fell into place.

Hearing that word put everything together for me in one mind-blowing moment of clarity. I knew where I was. The fairy, the ogre, the soldiers with swords… this was a an RPG.

I had played dozens of similar video games, I recognised all the classic tropes of a fantasy setting, but these weren’t computer graphics. I hadn’t tried Oculus Rift, or any of the latest virtual reality devices, but I was pretty sure they hadn’t got to this stage yet. Everything, from the grass under my feet to the clouds in the sky not only looked like the real thing, I felt the wind against my skin and smelled the musty scent of plants and trees.

The ogre, a classic RPG mob, didn’t quite match what I’d expect in game, but it was close enough. A large humanoid creature that looked primitive and angry. It roared and lunged, pounding the ground with its gigantic fists.

The soldiers formed a semi-circle around the ogre, waving and shouting at it. If it moved to attack one of them, a soldier on the other side would start calling it.

“Hey, dummy. Over here! Over here!”

Spoilt for choice, the stupid thing looked this way and that trying to decide who to kill first. And then Captain Grayson appeared on the creature’s shoulder.

How he got up there, and how he did it without the ogre noticing, I have no idea, but by the time it realised, the Captain had his sword plunged into its tree-trunk-like neck.

The ogre’s scream was even more terrifying than its roar and a geyser of blood shot into the air. Plenty of screams were added to the mix from the people behind me. I realised while I watched the fight unfold like a cut-scene in a game, the others had all sensibly retreated to the other end of the clearing. But I couldn’t accept what I was seeing was real and just stood there.

Captain Grayson clung on to his embedded sword as the ogre thrashed about trying to grab him but ending up spinning in circles like a dog chasing its tail. Blood sprayed in all directions. I jumped back to avoid getting covered in it.

The ogre slowed and finally collapsed, first to its knees, then flat on its face. Its last act was to loudly evacuate its bowels, ejecting a mass of green-black sludge that filled the air with a disgusting stink they’ll never be able to recreate at your local IMAX.

I walked closer to the dead monster and reached out to touch it, wanting to prove to myself it was some kind of hologram. It couldn’t possibly be real.

“Don’t,” said Grayson as he rolled off its back and wiped his sword on the grass. “They sometimes carry diseases.”

I snatched back my extended hand. The last thing I wanted was to take damage from some random debuff. I was even starting to think like I was in a game.

Some people had sunk to their knees, others were in tears. The soldiers, who acted like this was just another day at the office, quickly got everyone up, barking orders at those still in a daze to snap them out of it.

“We have to move,” called out Captain Grayson. “The corpse will attract scavengers. We don’t want to be here when that happens.”

Slowly the shock wore off and we formed a vague line. With the soldiers on either side of us, we set off through the trees.

Nobody said anything as we all concentrated on working our way in and out of the densely populated trees, keeping an eye out for further attacks. Without shoes it took all your attention to avoid stepping on something painful.
Ohs
and
ahs
and
shits
rang out as people hopped around clutching their feet. Met by shushing from those fearful of drawing the attention of more monsters.

I was too excited to be scared. If this really was a game, would you have to collect experience points to level up?

Perhaps we’d be able to gain abilities and skills.

Was there a status screen to show us our stats and hit points?

I stopped and started slapping the air in front of me, trying to trigger some kind of user interface. I had hoped a futuristic HUD would appear, but nothing happened. I stood there trying different combinations of invisible button pushing like an epileptic body-popper. People walked past giving me odd looks until one of the soldiers nudged me to keep moving.

An hour later, we emerged into a meadow of wildflowers. I half expected to look up and see two suns or a floating city but the sky was blue and the clouds were white. A normal summer’s day, warm and mild.

A few minutes after that we came to a fence, beyond which crops grew in large fields. Wheat or something similar as far as I could tell. In the distance stood buildings, maybe a dozen or so. It took us another hour of trudging around the edge of the field to finally arrive in town, although it more resembled a small village. A sign probably said the name of the place, but it was in a weird script I couldn’t read, or even recognise.

Our escort led us to a large hut. We went around the outskirts so didn’t get a chance to see the town properly or its inhabitants, although there were banging noises coming from somewhere and weird smells I couldn’t identify.

Inside the hut there were benches. People sat down and immediately started complaining. The soldiers came round with a pail of water and a small cup we had to share. We were also given a bun that tasted sweet. It wasn’t bad. Then we were shown where the toilets were, and a mad rush followed.

I didn’t need to go so I stayed sitting on one end of a bench and looked around the room. Apart from the benches, there was a desk and what looked like a map on the wall. Some boxes stacked next to the desk seemed to be full of clothes.

People returned from the bathrooms looking unhappy. Most RPG games didn’t take their realism all the way to needing toilet breaks, but I assumed facilities would be on the basic side. A hole in the ground, even.

As I tried to look for clues as to what kind of world this was and what it required from me, someone sat next to me. I turned to find the squinty black guy with the Batman onesie. I wondered if he was even a real person. If I really had become part of an advanced virtual reality game without knowing it, these people could all be computer-controlled NPCs.

Then again, who would program a character to look like this? Clearly he was another player, and judging by his appearance, maybe a huge nerd. He might actually be better at these sorts of games than me.

“Hey,” he said, “it’s like we’re inside some kind of computer game, isn’t it. My names Maurice, by the way.”

“Colin,” I said with a nod. “So, are you good at video games?”

“Can’t stand ‘em. I’m a board game purist, myself.”

Turned out he was such a huge nerd, even in the age of nerd empowerment, he ranked as totally useless.

Captain Grayson stood at the front, leaning on his desk like the cool teacher at school, only better armed, although I guess that depends on what kind of school you went to. He waited until everyone was back from the loo before straightening up and slapping his hands together.

“RIght. First things first, you’ll be wanting to know where you are, how you got here, and why. That’s the big one, right? So, this town you’re in is called Probet. It’s in a country called Flatland, because it’s very flat.”

He raised his eyebrows like he’d revealed a valuable secret. When he got no response, he turned and pointed at the map behind him.

“We’re this bit in the middle. Nothing much here but farmland and forests. These are the four major cities.” He pointed to circular marks at the top, bottom, left and right of the map. “We can go into more about them later.”

He faced front again and folded his arms and took in a deep breath like he wasn’t looking forward to telling us the next part and needed to prepare himself. The room hushed in anticipation.

“As for how you got here and why, nobody really knows.”

A wave of grumbling and muttering washed over the unhappy audience.

“I know, it’s not what you wanted to hear, but that’s how it is. For the last century, every leap year, on the longest day of high summer, a group of young people appear in the glen where you woke up. Sometimes it’s three or four, sometimes, as in this case, it’s many more. These people are destined for greatness. If they can survive, that is. I won’t sugarcoat the truth for you, this is a hard land to live in, even for those of us born here. There are many things that will try to kill you. But if you can adapt, there are also great rewards that you can claim. Some of those who came before you have become legends.”
 

He sat back on the corner off the desk, very much giving off an impression of mission accomplished.

Golden Boy stood up a few rows behind me and spoke in a loud, irritated voice. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but we want to go home. Now. If you’re not going to tell us what’s really going on, give me a phone.”

“Don’t be such a dick,” said another guy. This one had a highly-groomed beard and a short back and sides so severe it must have been sculpted with a chisel. He didn’t have a top on and one arm was covered in a sleeve tattoo. “Obviously they don’t have phones here. Did you not see that thing out there? I want answers just as much as you, bruv, but we ain’t going home any time soon, I can tell you that much.”

“You’re the dick, mate,” Golden Boy shot back. “Can’t you tell we’re being pranked? Probably cameras all over this place. Everyone’s having a good laugh at us, ha, ha, ha. Well fuck that. I’ve got better things to do than provide entertainment for free.”

The two alphas continued to snap at each other as more people joined in the pointless debate.  I noticed Captain Grayson yawning. He had a ‘seen it all before’ expression on his face and seemed in no hurry to intervene.

“Just stop for a second,” said one of the girls, practically shrieking in order to get everyone’s attention. She was tall and athletic-looking, with straight brown hair in a bob, although her oversized white tee shirt made it hard to get a proper idea of her figure. Not that I was looking. “This is getting us nowhere. Let’s at least hear him out.” She turned to Grayson. “What is it we’re expected to do here?”

“Ah, okay,” said Grayson. “First we need to get you some clothes. Then each of you will be given a weapon. We only have a limited selection, but they’ll do for now. We’ll feed you for the next three days, but after that you’ll be expected to provide for yourselves, same as everybody else.”
 

“Provide for ourselves how?” asked the girl.

“There’s only one way,” said Grayson. “By killing monsters.”

“I’m a student, for God’s sake,” screamed the girl. “I don’t know how to kill monsters.”

“Now, now, don’t get hysterical,” said Captain Grayson, which is never a good thing to say to a hysterical woman. “Nobody expects you to hunt down ogres and wyverns. There are plenty of smaller, less dangerous beasts that I’m sure you’ll be able to handle.”

“I don’t care,” the girl said in the same high-pitched shriek. “I don’t want to kill anything! I’m not a murderer.”

This was met by a chorus of agreement from the girls sat beside her.

“I’m sorry,” said Captain Grayson, “but this land is overrun with monsters. It’s just a fact of life here. You don’t have to kill them if you don’t want to, but they certainly will try to kill you. We don’t call them monsters for nothing. Even if you don’t plan on hunting, you need to be able to defend yourselves. That’s why I’m going to give you each a weapon.”

He signalled two of his men who had appeared in the doorway carrying an assortment of weapons which they handed out randomly.

“These aren’t all that great, but they’re all we have. Feel free to swap them among yourselves if you want.”

There was more grumbling as the type of weapon each person received varied greatly. And I mean
greatly
.

People who received small swords, daggers and machetes seemed quite pleased. The ones who got handed sticks, metal rods and rocks attached to a bit of wood, less so. One guy got a whip—which looked cool but not that practical— and I saw a girl look horrified as a spiked ball was thrust at her. It wasn’t attached to anything, just a ball with spikes.

I was one of the people to get a stick. I think they had run out of real weapons and somebody had gone out and dug up a fence or something so we’d all have something. It was a bit like a baseball bat, so it could probably do a bit of damage, assuming it didn’t break in half.

Maurice got a metal rod, about the size of a fire poker. It was too thin to do any serious damage, but if he sharpened the end he could probably take someone’s eye out.

Once everyone had their weapon, the trading started. Or at least, attempted trading. It was pretty obvious which weapons were better, and everyone wanted to trade up, not down. Arguments broke out, and now that everyone was armed, things felt quite scary. The soldiers stepped in and pushed people back into their seats.

“I know this isn’t ideal,” said Grayson, “but you will very quickly be able to get yourself something better. Don’t get hung up on anything right now, it’s all temporary.” He smiled with such confidence and lack of concern, it made me think things weren’t going to be so bad.

If this really was a game, a crappy weapon to start off with would be normal. I’d soon find a decent sword or axe or something. In the meantime, I needed to figure out the rules, and how best to exploit them. Farming, grinding, doing simple quests—there had to be plenty of ways to level up fast.

I could do that stuff, maybe even do it better than some of these six-foot meatbags. I had quite a good feeling about the future.

“Have some faith in yourselves,” said Grayson, still smiling. “ Looking at all of you young, healthy boys and girls, I’m confident at least one in three of you will make it.”

Which meant he expected two-thirds of us to die. If this wasn’t a game… The good feeling went away.