Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (6 page)

2.
 Appeasement

3.
 Surprise

4.
 Well

5.
 Sudetenland

6.
 Situation

7.
 Sure

8.
 Idea

9.
 Mussolini

10.
 Chicken

11.
 Inevitable

12.
 Monday

4
Unpleasant Feelings or Thoughts Darren Feels or Thinks (Often More Than Once) during Today's Driving Lessons

1.
 In general he already feels bigger than he wants to feel, and when he buckles himself into the driver's seat and starts making the car move, he feels how the car is an extension of himself, which is actually, for some stupid reason, how Mr. Faber, the driving teacher, tells him to think about the whole thing. Plus he's driving a Chrysler Town & Country minivan, which seems like a pretty fat car to him.

2.
 Whenever he's had a bad day, Darren likes to be in the car with one of his parents or Nate driving, because then he can just stare out the window and not even really bother moving his eyes. And so today, which is obviously a total shit day, has him worried he'll stare out the window, not move his eyes, and accidentally kill someone, including maybe himself.

3.
 Even though all the kids his age can't stop talking about how awesome it will be once they can drive, Darren just doesn't want to drive, not yet, anyway. He a little bit tried to put off going to driving school, but Bugs was right that his parents definitely wanted him to be able to drive as soon as possible, meaning that every time he drives, like right now, he realizes just how much his parents can't deal with each other anymore.

4.
 He knows that sooner or later he'll run over an animal, which in fact he nearly does just before the end of today's lesson, when an idiot squirrel darts halfway across Lake but thankfully changes its mind a split second before Darren and the minivan would have squashed it. Even so, Darren just about pukes right there in the minivan.

10
Significant Implications of the New Situation Darren Considers While Staring out of a CTA Bus Window, Which Causes Him to Totally Miss His Stop and Have to Walk More Than Half a Mile to Get Home

1.
 There must be a lot of kids who have a mom or dad who is actually gay but who (the kids, or maybe even the mom or dad too) don't know it yet (and maybe never will?).

2.
 So that's why Mike and maybe that guy Gary are at his dad's place all the time, not because they like the Cubs, or not only because of that (since Mike at least does seem kind of fanatical about them).

3.
 His dad has probably had gay sex. Maybe even last night or this morning. Probably not this morning, though, since he got up pretty early to come over to the house.

4.
 Darren might be a total moron for having absolutely no idea about any of this, even though he's pretty sure Nate and maybe even his mom didn't either.

5.
 Unless Nate and/or she did have some idea, which would then mean he/she/they decided not to tell Darren.

6.
 It's completely unclear if the whole concept of bisexuality, whatever that means, exactly, would make any of this any better at all, assuming it could be applied to his dad.

7.
 Darren's pretty sure he's not gay himself, but if homosexuality is inherited—which he's pretty sure it isn't, but still, it could be, who the hell knows—maybe he'll only realize he's gay thirty years from now, unless his dad has known for a really long time, which would be pretty pathetic.

8.
 Darren will probably have to discuss all this with his dad and Dr. Schrier (his dad's therapist, who his dad basically worships) at least a couple times, since his dad is always trying to get Darren to come with him to Dr. Schrier's anyway, which maybe in this case wouldn't be so bad, since his dad pretty much invites Darren to be mad at him, or at least complain, whenever they're at Dr. Schrier's office.

9.
 Maybe this explains why his mom started being extra impatient with and sometimes even mean to his dad about a month after they officially split up, because before then they were at least very polite with each other most of the time, but then that sort of just stopped being the case with his mom, who it's kind of impossible to know what she even thinks about the whole thing, because it's not like she'd want to be with him anyway at this point, but still, it's got to feel pretty weird to know you were married to someone for so long who doesn't (and maybe even didn't ever really) like your gender, in a sexual way, in the first place. Even though you definitely had sex, maybe a lot of times, even.

10.
 It's probably hard to be gay (or at least to admit that you're gay and then have to deal with people about it), but then his dad has seemed happier recently than he used to, and this likely has something to do with admitting and accepting it.

6
Items or Sets of Items or Even Absent Items in His Dad's Apartment That Somehow Look Totally Different to Darren Than They Did Before

1.
 The elephant-headed Hindu statue thing sitting on top of the stereo

2.
 About ten books on the small shelf near the stereo, with titles like
Being Present in the Darkness
,
Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind
,
Radical Self-Acceptance
,
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
, and
Suffering Is Optional: Three Keys to Freedom and Joy

3.
 An elaborate, slanted wooden candle holder resting on the windowsill in the living room that looks like the kind of thing you'd see on the most boring page of the
SkyMall
magazine

4.
 A photograph on the refrigerator of his dad and three other guys (Mike, Gary, and some guy wearing a fanny pack whose name Darren can't remember) at the end of some wooden pier with the sun setting off to the right of his dad and the water totally still and smooth and dark, dark blue, with everyone looking not so much happy as just really, really content

5.
 Top-of-the-line wheatgrass juicer sitting on the kitchen counter, which his dad uses pretty much every day Darren is with him but somehow looks pretty much brand-new anyway

6.
 Total lack of any dirt or dust or mess anywhere, even though his dad was kind of sloppy sometimes back when he lived at home, especially in terms of leaving his shoes everywhere and being pretty bad at cleaning up the kitchen

5
Objects Darren Begins to Imagine That He'd Definitely Find Somewhere on the Other Side of His Dad's Bedroom Door That Keep Darren from Opening It

1.
 A journal sitting right there on his nightstand

2.
 Various half-empty tubes of lubricant in the drawer of this nightstand

3.
 Some hair on one of the pillows (though his dad is totally bald these days)

4.
 An iPod docking thing with an iPod next to it that's filled with playlists called things like “Just Us” or “Sweet and Slow” or “Come to Me”

5.
 A small, locked wooden chest on the floor of the closet that Darren would pretty easily figure out how to open with a screwdriver and that would be filled with books and photographs and even DVDs that would basically scar Darren for years, or at least freak him out so much that he's kind of freaked out already and so there's just absolutely no way he's going in there

7
Mentions of the Word “Fuck” (or Related Forms) during (or Immediately after) Darren and Nate's Phone Call, Which Takes Place in Darren's Room at His Dad's Apartment, Where His Dad Thankfully Isn't

1.
 “What the fuck?” Darren asks.

“Dude,” Nate says.

2.
 “Seriously, man, what the fuck?” Darren asks, or maybe he just says it this time.

“Ditto,” Nate says.

3.
 “No,” Darren says. “I'm serious. What the fuck?”

“I'm sorry, but could you rephrase that in the form of a yes-or-no question?”

4.
 “Nate, man, c'mon. Our dad's gay. Dad's fucking gay!”

“That does appear to be the case. Assuming he's not trying to fool us. But wait, what if it's all a strange ploy designed to—”

“Stop it, man, I'm serious. Why aren't you freaking out?”

“Who says I'm not freaking out?”

“Are you?” Darren asks.

“Maybe. A little.”

“Dad's gay.”

“This is true. Dad is, it turns out, a BJ machine—”

“Shut up, Nate. Do not—”

“You're right. It's quite possible that some gay men, like some of the supposedly straight women here at the University of Michigan, are not great fans of the BJ.”

Darren almost laughs.

“I talked to Mom,” Darren says.

“Lucky you.”

“She said she's known for a while.”

“And I thought she couldn't keep a secret.”

5.
 “Nate, man, what the fuck?”

6.
 “What the fuck, indeed, little brother.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“No, I figured posting it on Facebook would spare me the effort.”

“Ha. I'm serious. Have you?”

“Not yet. I'll maybe tell Kyle tonight. Look, my study partner, whose sexual orientation I'm suddenly not so sure of, is pulling up. I'll call you later.”

Darren hurls his phone at his bed and stands in the middle of the room for eleven long seconds with no idea what he should do next.

Eventually he removes an enormous green, cylindrical bin from his closet, a bin he's had since he was four. It's filled with about two thousand Lego pieces and was Darren's favorite and most-used toy for over six years starting in first grade. Still, it was almost given away a half-dozen times over the past couple years.

When Darren was sitting on his bed back at the house one Sunday afternoon trying to figure out what things he should keep permanently at his dad's new apartment, his mom, who was standing just inside the doorway, suggested, “Hey, why don't you keep your Legos there?”

“Uh,” Darren said, “because I don't play with Legos anymore.”

A couple weeks later he noticed that the bin had somehow materialized in the closet in his room here at his dad's place, but he didn't say anything about this to anyone.

This is definitely the first time he has touched it since then, which is definitely one time more than he thought he'd ever touch it since it showed up here.

7.
 “Fuck me.”

8
Additional Implications of the New Situation Darren Considers While Building Absolutely Nothing out of Legos

1.
 He should probably see
Brokeback Mountain
now, which maybe wouldn't be so bad since that guy from the Batman movie was in it.

2.
 His dad doesn't seem very gay to him, but then again he's only been with him for about ten minutes since he's known; maybe he just didn't know what to look for beforehand. No, that's stupid. But his dad really doesn't seem all that gay.

3.
 Which, among other things, means that pretty much anybody could be gay.

4.
 Maybe he should go check out the LGTB club, or whatever it's called, at school, which he's seen flyers for a couple of times and which he's never really thought much about at all. But there's probably no way he's going to check it out, because if you even just stepped into the room where they meet, everyone would instantly think you're gay, so forget that.

5.
 There's nothing wrong with being gay, but there is at the same time, even though Darren's pretty sure he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it himself.

6.
 There's no way in the world he'll survive driving back and forth to Ann Arbor with his dad this weekend.

7.
 It's other people who make it a problem, because they think there's something really wrong with it, to the point that they sort of make it unfortunate even if you yourself think it's okay.

8.
 His dad is actually gay.

8
Best Things Darren Ever Built out of Legos, in Chronological Order

1.
 THE TOWER

Built during winter break in first grade. Two and a half feet tall, eleven inches wide at the base. Gradually narrowed toward the top, sort of like the Empire State Building. Red on top of yellow on top of black on top of green on top of blue on top of white. No mixing of colors. On the wall near the bottom of the stairs at the house is a framed picture of six-year-old Darren sitting cross-legged next to it and smiling with his teeth exposed.

2.
 THE RAT-DOG

Built Memorial Day in first grade. Was supposed to be either a dog or a bear but wound up looking like what Nate dubbed the Rat-Dog. In the right light was actually pretty scary. Was kept on display in the living room for almost a year until Darren needed the pieces for the pyramid.

3.
 THE PYRAMID

Built, with some help from Bugs, over the course of the last week of summer vacation before second grade. Four-sided pyramid. Eighteen inches tall, eighteen inches wide. Each layer is exactly one row narrower on all sides than the layer below it. Built from the top down. No color was allowed to touch itself, which is harder than it sounds. His mom called it the Rainbow Pyramid, but no one else did.