siobhan vivian - not that kind of girl (18 page)

I didn't leave right away. I stayed in the woods. I heard the faint voices of other people. I felt the cold against my skin. But mostly, I was aware of my own breathing, my own thoughts, my own past, present, and future. I realized then, and would have to keep realizing in all the years to come: It didn't matter if I was the kind of girl who had sex, or the kind of girl who had her portrait on a wall in the library, or the kind of girl who got into the best college, or the kind of girl who didn't tell her parents everything, or the kind of girl who teachers loved. I just needed to be okay with all the kinds of girl I was. EPILOGUE The library looked beautiful. Spencer had taken the lead and made herself the head of the decorating committee. She bought a nice tablecloth, cut cheese in perfect little squares, had the sparkling apple cider on ice. It was incredibly sweet, how proud she was of me. Like a little sister. Everyone from student council showed up. My parents, Principal Hurley. I still caught some people whispering, but it didn't matter. I found Connor near the portrait wall. He was alone now, but earlier he'd been animatedly discussing fantasy football picks with Martin and David and Dipak. It was nice to see, because things had definitely been strained within Connor's circle of friends. Those guys all still hung out together, playing Ping-Pong during lunch and drinking over at Bobby Doyle's house. But Connor hadn't talked to Mike since we decided to work things out. Mike hadn't talked to him, either. I wasn't sure they'd ever speak again. I had to believe their friendship would have ended eventually. Anyway, that's what Connor told me whenever I brought Mike up. Maybe Connor said it to make me feel better, or maybe he honestly believed it. But I learned that there had been other fights, other arguments before me. Just never any this big. As much as I hated Mike, and would never forgive him for what he did to me and to my friends, I still felt the weight of a friendship ending because of the secrets I'd tried to keep. But Connor seemed at peace with how everything had played out. Ultimately, I needed to trust that Connor would do what was best for him. And he paid me the same courtesy, knowing I'd be hearing from colleges in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, though, we simply loved each other. "You look beautiful," Connor said, staring up at my portrait. He leaned in close and whispered, "And you can't see the hickey at all." "Natalie? Could you come with me for a minute?" Ms. Bee appeared next to us, hands clasped in front of her. I kissed him on the cheek, in front of everyone. "Be right back," I said. Ms. Bee and I walked to the opposite side of the room without speaking. It was hard for me to accept, how different our relationship suddenly was. After all, Ms. Bee wasn't my mother. She had no business forming an opinion on what I did or did not do in my personal life. She'd handed me my college recommendation letter a week earlier. It was in a sealed envelope, as was standard practice. I worried for a second that Ms. Bee might have written something nasty about me. I think she must have seen it on my face, because she said, "Any college will be lucky to have you." I knew she was still disappointed in me. And maybe it wasn't over Connor at all, but the way I'd been acting. Irresponsible. Flaky. But all that had changed, now that Connor and I were out in the open. I was back on my game, and Ms. Bee would eventually have to notice. Three older women stood near the shelf that held Ross Academy's old yearbooks. They had a bunch of them spread open on the table, poring over the pictures. Each of the ladies had name tags stuck to their dresses, but instead of names, they went by numbers. Ms. Bee guided me forward. "May I present Natalie Sterling, number nine." "Aren't you beautiful," number six said. "We're so proud," number five said. "Congratulations," number seven said. I smiled my best smile. "Thank you so much for coming. I'm really honored." "Are you kidding? This is so much fun for us old biddies." Number five squeezed my hand. "Getting to remember all the trouble we used to cause." "None more so than number four right here," number seven said, pointing at Ms. Bee. I'd never seen Ms. Bee blush before. Heck, I'd never seen Ms. Bee look anything other than perfectly poised. It was a huge relief. Spencer flitted by with a bag of trash, collecting dirty napkins and empty cups. I grabbed her by the arm. "I want to introduce you all to Spencer Biddle, one of our freshmen representatives this year. I have no doubt that three years from now, her portrait will be up on the wall, too." Spencer grinned. "You can call me Perfect Ten." Ms. Bee almost choked. Autumn came up and twirled me around. "I'm so proud of my best friend." "Me too," I said. And we hugged each other as tightly as we could. Of all the things to feel happy about, I was happiest that Autumn and I were friends again. No matter what the future held--new friends, new boyfriends, new directions--I knew we'd be in each other's lives forever. Change wasn't something to fear anymore. And even though my picture was on the wall, I didn't care so much about how I'd be remembered. So long as I never forgot. Table of Contents PROLOGUE CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER EIGHT CHAPTER NINE CHAPTER TEN CHAPTER ELEVEN CHAPTER TWELVE CHAPTER THIRTEEN CHAPTER FOURTEEN CHAPTER FIFTEEN CHAPTER SIXTEEN CHAPTER SEVENTEEN CHAPTER EIGHTEEN CHAPTER NINETEEN CHAPTER TWENTY CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE CHAPTER THIRTY CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE CHAPTER FORTY CHAPTER FORTY-ONE