Star Fish

About the author

Nicola May lives in Ascot in Berkshire. Her hobbies include watching films that involve a lot of swooning, crabbing in South Devon, eating flapjacks and enjoying a flutter on the horses.

First published in Great Britain
by Nowell Publishing 2012

Copyright © Nicola May 2012

Nicola May has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patent Acts 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictiously.

For My Dad

Pisces:
You fishes are strong believers in fate but you have to lean forward a bit sometimes so that it doesn’t miss you. The time is right to go and grab life with both gills!

And that is how this whole debacle started.

– One –

‘A dating agency – are you mad!’ my friend Brad exclaimed.

‘No, just desperate.’ I grinned back.

‘Why don’t you just go online like everybody else? One click of that mouse and you could be meeting someone in California. I’ll have a look with you if you like.’

‘To be honest I prefer the more personal touch and I think I should be seen in the flesh to be believed.’

‘Well there is that you buxom wench you.’ Brad cocked his head to one side and examined me critically from head to toe.

‘I guess you look the right side of thirty on a dark night and you are quite a nice person I suppose. In fact, if it
were
a dark night and I had a bottle of Chardonnay inside me, I might consider doing you myself!’

He laughed and then carried on hand-washing his black Versace T-shirt. Why is it that gay friends are just so nice, so rude and so attractive? But then attractive isn’t really a good enough word for Brad. The guy is utterly gorgeous and not just in an ‘easy on the eye’ way. He is a typical Aquarian in the fact that he never states an opinion on either my vices or my virtues. I can also tell him anything without worrying he’ll be shocked.

Brad Sampson is the only male I can ring at any time of the day or night, to cry or laugh with, and he’ll always listen patiently while I spill out all the general trivia that has occurred during the day. The fact that he just happens to look like Orlando Bloom is a bonus. In short, Brad Sampson is the perfect friend!

Here I was, Amy Jane Anderson, thirty-two years old, with shoulder-length dark hair, teeth all in order, an extremely large sense of humour and weighing in at a disappointing, albeit firm, size 14. However, I was also very, very single, with a body clock ticking as loudly as Big Ben.

Brad and I had previously been housemates for two years. If it wasn’t for the fact that we both needed some sort of sexual gratification, I could have lived with him forever. We had discussed the turkey baster and stirrup theory of conception but that was about as far as it went. Mainly because Brad started retching at the mere thought of me with my legs up in stirrups! These days I spend half of my leisure time with Brad and the other half at my house, 21 Layston Gardens in Reading, with Penelope the cat.

My love-life, to date, had been a disaster. If ever a man stood in front of me with the word ‘bastard’ written clearly on his forehead, off I’d go and throw myself into a relationship from hell. If I had to write my own dating ad it would read something like
‘Tall, dark, good-looking womanisers with bad tempers, jealous minds and small bank accounts required for gullible, understanding, pretty Piscean!’

Well, now I was going to do something about this area of my life that was causing me so much concern. Surely it wouldn’t be too traumatic? I would just give somebody my personal details and a photograph, and then I’d look through their files and choose myself a man. Old-fashioned maybe, but I quite liked that.

‘A bunch of wankers and weirdo’s probably.’ Brad said, then realising that I was serious, decided he would back his fishy friend to the gills on her mission to find a ‘sole-mate’.

It was then he turned into Mario Testino overnight, and took it upon himself to ensure that the photo I supplied was a flattering one. At first he thought that a natural pose would be more likely to attract the sort of man I wanted.

There were photos of me with a towel tucked around me coming out of the shower, with a bare, shiny face and smear of toothpaste on my chin. He took snaps of me blow – drying my hair with no make-up on, looking like an extra from The Munsters. The worst were photos of me on Brad’s multi-gym, looking like a beetroot with features. In fact, not a single one of the photos was in any way, shape or form flattering. Brad, loyally said I looked gorgeous in all of them, but I assured him that none of them would get me the man of my dreams. In the end we decided on one of me drinking a cocktail in a hotel foyer in Lanzarote in 2008. OK, so I was looking brown, relaxed and years younger, but from a sales point of view, we had our product!

– Two –

Pisces:
You are about to embark on a big adventure. A green door signifies luck for you today.

Starr & Sun was not quite what I had imagined a dating agency would be like. Firstly, the alleyway I had to walk down to reach it was dead seedy. And talking of ‘dead’, you then had to walk through a funeral parlour to get to the actual stairway that led to the agency. It all gave me the creeps. I very nearly swished my fishy tail and went straight back home to the comfort of 21 Layston Gardens and Penelope my cat.

The person responsible was my Aries friend and work-mate, Olivia Irving for setting me on this mission to find true love. Olivia (Liv for short) is one of the funniest creatures I have ever met. She is loud, extravagant, and is a complete and utter man-eater. I’m sure I recall her once claiming to have had more men than Victoria Beckham has Jimmy Choos!

Liv’s mane of red hair is always pinned up as she never has time to wash it on a ‘school day’ but she keeps the male population of the Marketing Department in a permanent state of arousal as her wardrobe only consists of skirts that end ten inches above the knee.

To the outsider Jenkins Software appears to be a professional outfit. Situated on the prestigious Thames Valley Business Park, the glass and chrome high-tech building over-looks the River Thames. The intelligent software products on offer do manage to sell like hot cakes, which constantly amazes me, as both the Sales and Marketing Departments appear to employ egotistical boffins or deranged alcoholics. Liv and I being the exception to this assumption of course; with the seminars and events we organise being of the highest calibre.

Despite the majority of the two hundred employees being a little odd, all in all the working environment is fun and friendly. The spacious ground floor canteen provides steamy cappuccinos on tap, ensuring that hangovers can be dealt with immediately on arrival.

Once the dating decision had been made, Liv and I began to troll the websites for suitable agencies. My mission if possible, was, to go on a date with twelve respectable men, one from each sign of the Zodiac. Scorpio is supposed to be the ideal sign for me. The fact that I’ve never been out with a Scorpio is, I am sure, one of the main reasons why I am still single at thirty-two.

Due to my interest in astrology, Starr & Sun had jumped off the screen at me as the obvious choice. They were based down the road in Wokingham which made my decision even easier.

I’m not really sure how my interest in this all too frequently dismissed ‘ology started. I’d like to think that my obsession of immediately flicking to the star sign pages of any magazine or newspaper and owning three astrology books allows me to profess I’m a guru on the subject. I do know and believe in the basic fundamentals of each signs main character traits, and am well informed on who should be shagging who in perfect starry-eyed harmony. OK, so maybe not a guru. ‘More like a bloody Gnu!’ Brad had once exclaimed.

I started to read in more detail the home page for Starr & Son and then shrieked.

‘Liv, Liv just read this, look.’ Liv peered over my shoulder. ‘For all the commotion you’re making it better be the fact they show pictures of applicants willies.’

‘Liv you are disgusting sometimes. No, even more exciting. It’s actually an astro-dating agency. People go there and
have
to state their star signs. And just think Liv all the men on the books will be in to the astrology as well. We’ll have so much to talk about on our dates.’

‘Ames sometimes your naivety does astound me.’

‘Liv I’m not talking rubbish, it says it here.’

Liv shook her head and then laughed. ‘So you don’t think the predatory species will be of the opinion that the female clients will be just that little bit more gullible. Imagine all the yarns they could spin around compatibility.’ She stood up and started prancing around the office. ‘Oh Amy you are so definitely a Pisces, what with those beautiful blue eyes and kissy, fishy lips. Me being a homely Taurean would just love to take you home and cuddle you all night, yeah right!’

‘Oh shut it Liv I’m calling them anyway.’ Liv smiled. She really did love Amy’s quirky ways and observations and in all honesty was quite excited about being part of her good friend’s bizarre adventure.

So with Liv willing me on in the background the introductory phone call was made.

‘Good Mawning Starr & Sun.’ A very posh voice came back at me.

It was then that I started to blurt. When I am nervous, blurting is the first thing I do. Taking a deep breath, I launched into a one hundred mile per hour monologue.

‘Oh, hi there! I would really like to register with you, please. I’ve never ever done anything like this before and I don’t actually know what to do, and I don’t know how much you charge and I’m really quite nervous about the whole thing and-’

‘Calm down, Madam. It really is all quite simple. I just need to ask you a couple of questions and we’ll go from there.’

Liv put her thumb up and gave me an encouraging wink.

‘Firstly, are you a graduate?’ The posh voice enquired.

Oh God I hadn’t read anywhere that thickos need not apply. I’d have to lie. I did have a couple of A-Levels under my belt but would they count? Probably not. My philosophy on getting anywhere in life is that everyone should run out of the school gates and headlong into real life. Maybe I have this opinion because at eighteen years old, furthering my education was the last thing I fancied doing, even though my father was adamant that I should go away and get a good degree. The result is that I get a bit miffed when everyone bangs on about how great their Uni days were, to the point that the word ‘Uni’ gets on my nerves.

‘A graduate? Yes, oh yes, of course.’ I felt myself slipping into a really cultured accent as well.

‘Splendid, now what did you study?’

What did that matter? If I’d studied Geography, would they match me up with a bloody Geography teacher? I suddenly got an awful vision of Mr Robbins, my old Geography teacher who used to smoke so much his grey beard had turned yellow, plus he stunk of BO.’

I really had the urge to say that I majored in pleasure but managed to stop myself. My heart began to race. I mouthed at Liv.
‘What degree did I do?’

‘Think lawyers sweetie, it has to be Law.’ She hissed.

‘Oh, I studied Law.’ I told Posh Voice. ‘Had a fantastic time at Uni, you know.’

This wasn’t a complete lie as I had studied O-Level Law. Failed it miserably but studied it nonetheless. I had also had a ball in the sixth form.

‘Thank you so much, I just need your postcode now. Right-’

I could now hear Posh Voice clattering away at a keyboard. Thank goodness I lived in a part of Berkshire that has a half-decent postcode. I had visions of PV consulting a tick list of areas that were banned.

I put my hand over the receiver and quietly laughed at Liv. ‘If your town’s not down you’re not coming in!’

Expecting a question on current wealth and possible inheritances next, I quickly began to think up more lies, but Posh Voice merely requested my name, age and address. Thank heavens, because I don’t think that £22.75 in my Winnie the Pooh savings account and an aged aunt in a two-bed semi in Cleethorpes would have got me on the list either!

‘Joining instructions and pricing will be in the post to you tonight, Madam,’ I was promised. ‘Thank you for choosing Starr and Sun.’

I rushed downstairs the next morning as soon as I heard the familiar, (always exciting to me, whatever it may be) thud of mail falling on the front door mat. Penelope was sniffing a green envelope embossed with a star and sun type logo. ‘Get your paws off that one Pen. Today your mother is commencing her mission to find a decent man to keep us in both fine wine and Whiskers.’

A lunchtime emergency meeting was called with Liv. We sneaked into a meeting room and began to look through the forms with intrepidation.

It was the sample profiles that caused immediate concern.

Annalise – Doctor

Loves travelling. Has recently trekked across Nepal. Enjoys opera. Also trying her hand at Capoeira! Favourite book: Ulysses by James Joyce. Favourite film: anything by Ingmar Bergman. Wants to meet somebody who is truly inspiring.

‘Capo-bloody-eria? Liv, what the duces is that?’ I asked dismayed.

‘Think it’s some kind of martial art. A Brazilian ex-boyfriend of mine used to go to classes.’

‘And is Ingmar Bergman any relation to Ingrid? I’ve never even heard of him!’ Then gloomily: ‘How on earth can I compete with the likes of Doctor Annalise, Liv? No one will be interested in little old me.’

To squeals of mirth from Liv, I began to recite my suggested sample profile out loud.

‘
Amy
(even my name sounds dull compared to Dr Annalise!)

Event Dogsbody

Loves travelling. Recently trekked across a beach in Lanzarote. Enjoys singing in the shower and talking to her frogs. Trying hard to drink less. Favourite book: Anything with love and romance in the title. Favourite film: Love Actually. Wants to meet anyone who’ll have her, particularly if they look like Zac Efron.’

Once Liv had stopped laughing she put her hand on my shoulder.

‘I once convinced a priest that sex was good for his soul. If I can do that then I’m damn well sure I can convince a whole congregation of starry-eyed suitors that Amy Jane Anderson is a real babe.’

‘OK – here we go.’

With marker pen in hand, Liv headed for the white board. She was in her element.

‘
Amy Jane Anderson
.’ Need to put the whole name in there, makes you sound more distinguished.
Event Manager
.
No lie there, you do manage events and quite well too.’

She then looked down her nose at me as if she had schoolmarm glasses on.

‘Loves to travel.
You do when you can afford it.
Recently returned from Africa.
The Canary Islands are opposite Morocco so that’ll do for that.
Enjoys water sports.
You like the hot tub at the David Lloyd Centre, don’t you?’ She beamed happily. ‘This is a doddle, Amy. They’ll be falling over themselves to meet you, don’t you worry.
Also trying her hand at yoga.
No one need know that you left after the first session because of letting off a massive fart whilst in the Dog position.
Favourite book:
The Quotations of Oscar Wilde. You live by, in my opinion the greatest quotation ever. ‘I can resist everything apart from temptation.’
Favourite film:
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
.
Because you must be mad, wanting to go ahead with this.’

We both then laughed out loud.

‘
Looking to share her future with somebody open-minded
?’

I nodded.

‘
With strength of character
?’

I nodded again.

‘
And an extremely large cock
’

‘Liv! You can’t put that!’

‘Well OK, maybe not that bit, but you can raise that issue, so to speak, once you get to see them face to face, you know.’

And in true game-show hostess fashion Liv, now with pointer in hand, continued:

‘Put it all together and what have you got? You’ve got the lot, Amy Jane Anderson, my old minger mate, you’ve got the flipping lot.’

‘Obviously we need to add my star sign as well.’ I reminded her.

‘OK, let’s start again.’ Liv cleared her throat.

‘
Amy Jane Anderson – Event Manager

Star Sign: Pisces. Loves to travel. Recently returned from Africa. Enjoys water sports. Also trying her hand at yoga. Favourite book: The Quotations of Oscar Wilde.

Favourite film: One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Looking to share her future with somebody open-minded, with strength of character and a big personality.’

‘And there we have it.’

‘Liv you are not only an old slapper, you are also a genius. Thanks so much.’

So that was it, sample profile completed, form filled out, photo attached. I was on the shaky stairway to man heaven!

The day dawned for me to face my fate. Starr & Sun was about to gain a new recruit. After negotiating the seedy alleyway and hesitantly climbing the stairs to the agency I took a deep breath and pushed open the dark green door. I was pleasantly surprised to find a bright and cheerily painted yellow reception area. There were several healthy looking plants dotted around and a plush looking leather sofa in the corner. A glass coffee table displayed various astrology publications.