The Forever Broken (Broken #3) (2 page)

BOOK: The Forever Broken (Broken #3)
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Blaydon

 

DJ has been acting off the last couple of days, when I
call he is guarded and it’s worrying me. He has always been honest and
forthcoming with me but something is troubling him. I know he can’t have found
out about me and the twins because his temper was one thing he struggled to
keep to himself. I’d already have a black eye if he knew what I’d been doing
with his siblings.

It’s not like DJ to be worried about things, he was the
most carefree one out of us all, so to have him be withdrawn makes me nervous.

 I want to reach out and get him to open up but at the
same time I feel like a bastard for having my own secrets and worries that will
impact him.

I needed to get things clear in my own head and cut one,
or even both, of the twins off. The longer I let this go on the more damage
I’ll do, the more I’ll not want to let go.

I shut down the computer I’ve been staring at for the
last half an hour without actually doing anything and slump down on my bed,
grabbing the small basketball as I do and throwing it at the wall. It bounces
back to me and I repeat the process.

 This was how I shut off. When I needed to clear my head
this ball worked. I was going to lay here and not think about either twin or
the fucked up situation I got myself into.

“Hey.”

The ball hits me in the head when my attention is drawn
to Quinn standing in my doorway.

“Hey,” I say back. So much for clearing my head.

“I thought I’d pop over on my lunch break. I should have
texted?” he asks, quirking a brow and looking around the room. I’d skipped a
few days of college and was hiding out in my room like a coward.

“No, it’s fine, come in and shut the door.”

His muscles flex from his sleeveless shirt as he pushes
the door closed. The tattoo of a blue fish he had on his arm imitates a real
fish swimming when the muscles move underneath it, it’s pretty cool but didn’t
go down well when he went home with it on his seventeenth birthday last year.
My eyes trail up his body and appreciate his lean form. He has a runner’s body,
tall and slender. His face was flawless with a petite nose and full, thick
lips. It was the brown eyes that captured you in their gaze and seduced you though.
His hair was shaved these days but Quinn was a chameleon, forever changing his
hair color and style.

“Have you eaten?” I ask, sounding like my mom.

“I don’t want to eat, I wanted to talk about Sophia.”

My heartbeat doubles and the room swims slightly. “What
about her?” I choke out.

He drops his bag to the floor and plonks his ass on the
bed, laying back and rubbing his hands down his face before sighing loudly into
the room. “She’s not acting herself. People are saying things that just can’t
be right.”

“What things?”

I hated gossip, you’d think people in college would have
better things to do with their time. We all decided to do state college and a
lot of our high school peers go there too, yet they tend to forget we’ve
actually moved out of high school.

The hairs on the back of my neck rise as I wait for him
to elaborate on his meaning. My fucking gut is bubbling with nerves and anger
at the thought of people talking about Sophia. She was an angel and didn’t
deserve assholes doing shit behind her back. I’ll fucking kick someone’s ass if
I have to.

“I heard some girls say she was being slutty, and a good
friend of mine approached me and said she was at a party with Sophia and saw
her go in a room with two guys.”

What the hell? Was he seriously listening to this crap?
He knew his sister better than anyone. Sophia wasn’t a huge party girl. He knew
that other girls have always been jealous of Sophia. She’s fucking stunning. She
has all the lean and gentle features of Quinn, only she has these intense dark
eyes that you could get lost in for days. Girls back in school always said shit
about the good looking girls and it was always because they were jealous.

I laugh, shaking my head. “No way, it’s bullshit.”

“Kelly wouldn’t tell me bullshit.”

 No way could that be true. I was Sophia’s first and
only. She wouldn’t put herself about, despite the attention she gets from guys.
She’s just never been like that and it boils my fucking piss that because she
respects herself and doesn’t put her ass on tap that girls are jealous and
spreading hateful shit about her. “Lies,” I repeat.

He sits up and stares into my eyes. “Well that’s what I
want to believe also but this friend isn’t one to lie, Blay.”

“Well, then she just got it wrong,” I snap.

His eyes squint at me. “Why are you acting all defensive
for her? I thought you’d have my back and go talk with her?”

I blow out a breath and reach for him, rubbing my hand over
his thigh to placate him. “I will talk to her. I’m sorry. I just hate people
spreading rumours. DJ will kick ass if he gets wind of this.”

“I know, that’s why I’ve come to you so you can get to
the bottom of it and talk with Sophia.”

“Have you two fallen out or something?” I ask, warily.

He sighs again and shrugs. “She’s just distant lately and
I don’t want her to think I believe the crap people are saying and having a go
at her.”

Oh perfect, now she’ll think I believe what they’re
saying.

“Are you ill?” he asks out of nowhere, changing the
subject.

“No, why?”

Sitting up, he moves closer to me. “You’re in bed in the
middle of the day.”

“I’m a little under the weather,” I lie, not knowing what
other excuse I could give for skipping classes and hibernating in my room.

He leans forward, brushing his lips over mine. “Maybe I
can stay and make you feel better.”

Guilt accompanies the sensation of lust. I always think
of Sophia lately when I’m with Quinn, which makes me feel even more shitty
about what I’m doing.

How Quinn and me happened was a surprise for me and I
just rolled with it. We were watching a movie at his place and there was a
couple of guys getting it on on the screen. When I looked over at him he
appeared unaffected by it. If anything, the huff that left him would indicate
boredom so I questioned him on it. He told me it was unrealistic and that he
hated how easy it was made to be in films for a virgin gay guy to be that
confident in approaching another guy.

I’d been bold and asked if he was a virgin. He blushed
and chucked popcorn at me, telling me to mind my own business.

 Quinn had always been comfortable about being gay so
knowing he had these insecurities was an eye-opener. I guess you never really
know what’s happening in someone’s head.

“I just want it to be easier the first time, get it over
with and build my confidence, you know?” he’d said, then blushed again and told
me to fuck off when I grinned. “God, I forgot who I was talking to for a
minute, you’ve had more sex than this entire household I bet,” he had jibed.

Laughing out loud, I grabbed the next popcorn missile mid-air
and shoved it in my mouth. “The way your parents go at it, I doubt it,” I’d
quipped back, making his nose scrunch up. “You just need to find someone you
trust,” I told him. He moved from his seat to mine and looked around the room
to make sure there wasn’t some mystical person listening in on our
conversation.

“I did it with a girl once.”

I choked on my popcorn and had a coughing fit at his
disclosure. He’d grabbed my soda and forced it into my mouth growling, “It’s
not that surprising.”

Then we both cracked up laughing. Quinn wasn’t camp in
anyway. If you didn’t know him, you wouldn’t know straightaway that he was gay.
But we’d known since he was about ten so hearing that he’d been with a woman
was that shocking. 

“You know Kelly, well we got really drunk and she said
that I couldn’t be one hundred percent sure if I’d never been with a woman.” He
shrugged.

“Dude, she just wanted in your pants and you fell for
it.” I nudged him.

“No way, she was a virgin too, and for the record I love
women but their Va-Jay does nothing for me.”

“Va-Jay?” I laughed. “You mean pussy?”

“Eww, but yeah, that.”

“I’ve been with a man,” I told him. He told me I was
lying about ten times before he demanded I tell him when, how and who.

“It was a three-way.” I grinned like a Cheshire cat.

Punching me in the arm he said it doesn’t count and
that’s not being with a man.

“How not? He fucked her and I fucked him at the same
time.”

“No fucking way?”

“Oh, now it counts?” I smirked. He made me tell him every
detail, leaving out the fact Jodi Twin Peaks was the only reason I was actually
there. I don’t remember how I even ended up topping them both.

After I’d gone over every detail we were both left horny
as fuck and when he made a move on me I didn’t want to reject him and scar him
so I went with it, and it was nice that I could be that person for him. I
didn’t expect it to continue from there but he was a horny fucker - and so was
I.

“Quinn, honey, do you need fed?” Mom asks, knocking at my
door.

I push Quinn away from me and jump to my feet.

“I’m fine, thank you. I need to get back to class,” he
shouts out, frowning at me.

“Okay, sweetie.”

He stands and glares at me. “Seriously would it be that
dramatic if she knew about us?”

What the hell? Does he want to tell people about us?

“I just don’t think we should let the whole family in on
us having some fun, that’s all.” I shrug, regretting my words as soon as they
leave my mouth.

“Fun? I think we’ve moved past just a bit of fun, Blay. If
you don’t want something more, then I don’t think we should be doing this
anymore.”

“I didn’t plan this,” I answer but I sound defensive. Everything
is coming out wrong.

He lets out a defeated breath and grabs his bag. “Look,
I’m not going to pressure you into something, but don’t act like what we have
is the same fun you have with random hook-ups. I need to get to class. Talk to
Sophia and let me know what she says.”

He leaves the room without another word. I want to chase
after him and tell him he could never be just a random hook-up.

Before we ever took things in this direction we were
close, family. I’d never just think of him as a lay.

My head hurt even more now. I was digging myself further
into a hole.

 

 

Sophia

 

Come over to mine after class?

 

I debate Blay’s text. I was tired and just wanted to curl
into a ball before I had to get ready for the party tonight. Maybe I could get
what I need from him and not need to go to the party?

It amazes me that he doesn’t notice the vacant cave my
carcass has become… does he hear the distance echo of my heartbeat?

What did he see in me apart from the fact I had a vagina
and tits?

 I would say he was using me like everyone else tries to
but he wasn’t, he was gentle and showed affection where I didn’t deserve it.
Plus, he could get what I give him from anyone.

He was gorgeous, funny and popular…what was he even doing
with me?

Nothing, you’re a dirty little secret of his.

 I knew my brother and him were becoming something and
yet I still seduced him. I was an ugly, dirty slut and perhaps that’s why he
wanted me.

 

I reply to his text that I’ll be there in an hour and
reread the start of my poem knowing I’ll never show people how dark it is
inside my mind.

 

My hands dangle on flimsy wrists,

Blood draining into crimson mist.

Hollow soul inside an empty tomb

No life beating inside a rotten womb

 

Do you see me, am I here?

My breath on the wind, a flutter in your ear.

I’m standing beside you, hiding from my fear

 

If it hurts this much it must be real.

I see them, hear…close my eyes and feel.

It must be true,

I’ll never heal.

They’re killing me,

Destroying my will.

I’ll jump, dive, fall to my relief.

My soul is lost, stolen by a dirty thief.

 

“Hey.”

I startle and scrunch the paper up in my hand and stuff
it into my bag.

“Hi,” I reply to Kelly, my childhood friend who was more
Quinn’s friend than mine.

“So I heard you got laid last night?”

My mouth drops open and then closed as I shake my head
and look around, willing her to shut the hell up. God, who says that just
randomly? I don’t want her to see me flustered so I play it off.  “Seriously?
We’re in college, who didn’t get laid would be a better question,” I tell her, hating
that this was even public knowledge.

I knew it wouldn’t be long before she was divulging this
information to Quinn, and the last thing I needed from him was a lecture about
being promiscuous.  

“Me,” she bellows, answering my question about who
doesn’t get laid. She winces when all eyes turn to us. Perfect, I’ll be the
rumor on everyone’s lips before the end of the day.

I shove my things in my bag and leave her sitting staring
after me. I can’t be bothered with her judgement or giddiness about someone
else getting laid. I hated what I’d done and wasn’t going to sit there and act
like it was the best thing since Apple was invented. In truth, Miles and his
friend may want to boast about having a three-way but they both got way too
excited too quickly and put in a less then par performance.

I ignore the sniggers when I go past Brianna and her
better-than-thou friend Misty.

Brianna was Miles’ little sister, and an airhead, who
loved to know everything and spread it everywhere.

I don’t want Blaydon to know how rotten I am.

 

***

 

The cool air licks at my warmed cheeks as I step outside.
I hope for rain but the sky is clear. There’s something about the rain that I
like, perhaps it’s because it shields me from everyone else. When it rains
everyone hides under hoods with downcast eyes and I can freely float through
the crowd wearing nothing but a sweater; no one notices as it drenches me to
the core.
Do they notice you anyway?

My feet are tired and sore by the time I reach Manor Bridge.
Looking down at the heels I knew I shouldn’t have worn this morning, I slip
them from my feet and bend down to retrieve them. I loved this bridge, the
sound of the current beneath with a whole life underneath its icy cold surface.

It was the place I came to think, and I’d be lying if I
denied the fact I’ve almost jumped from the ledge on the really low days.

There was a girl who had jumped from this very spot five
years ago. It was talked about in school and someone still comes here and ties
flowers to the railing as a remembrance. What I remember was how people called
her selfish and weak. I hated that; they didn’t know how it felt for her to
live. They didn’t know that inside her own mind she could have been so lonely
that she didn’t think anyone would care, and if they did then it would be
better for them to not have to constantly ask her why she wasn’t normal…happy.
That’s if they even noticed. Did they notice how low she had become? How tough
it is being in a world you don’t feel a part of?

Then again maybe she was selfish. Maybe she didn’t care about
the people she left behind. What do I know? Only that death feels like the only
way to feel relief from the dark fog following me around.
Why do I feel this
way?

I launch my shoes into the flowing water and watch as
they get swallowed up. I feel no relief or gratitude from watching the $400
shoes disappear
. I want to care.

Grabbing my pad and pencil I climb on to the ledge and
sit to write.

 

Blood still stains when you wash the sheets.

The darkness is still there when you switch on the
lights.

Winter still comes when the sun shines bright.

People still fall deep no matter how hard they fight.

 

This façade is tiring.

My smile is lying.

My soul is crying.

Inside I’m dying.

 

Sinking deeper into the ocean of obscurity,

I want to swim but can’t find the willpower.

Will you save me, protect me in the arms of your
security?

Or let me drown? … Poor wilting flower.

 

Their touch still lingers,

Their scent thick on my skin.

No matter how much I wash away the sin,

Their cruel words still win.

 

 

BOOK: The Forever Broken (Broken #3)
13.19Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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