186 Miles (11 page)

“Oh
my God.  How did you find out?”

“My
friend John was dating this girl, Sarah, at the time.  Sarah worked at the
clinic and saw Melora there.  I guess she tried to talk her out of telling John
or me or whatever, but Sarah told him anyway.  He called me and I confronted
her about it.” 

He
let out a heavy sigh, but continued.

“She
didn’t deny it.  She told me that she had plans to be fucking famous or
whatever and that a baby didn’t fit into that plan.  She thought I would feel
the same way, so she never ‘bothered’ to tell me.  I had to find out from my
fucking friend. 
After
it had happened.”

This
was a lot to process.

“Did
you
want
a baby?”

“I
don’t know.  Maybe not at the time, but I would have liked to have had the
fucking option to discuss it.”  His voice was heated now.

“Do
you think you’ll
ever
want a family?”

“Yes,
I want one with
you
,
eventually.”  He said it matter-of-factly. 
Just like
that
.

What
should I say?  What did I want to say?

“Oh.” 

“Yes,
oh
.”  He smiled.  “It wasn’t right with her.  When it was over, I felt…
relief, almost.  It’s hard to describe.  I may have wanted that
baby
,
but I would have been tied to her forever.  I don’t know.  I guess that’s why
they say everything happens for a reason or whatever.”

“Is
she still in Chicago?”

“I
don’t think so.  Jack said that the last he heard, she moved to L.A.  Better
music scene or whatever.  Honestly, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  I’ll
answer whatever else you want to talk about tonight… just no more about
her
.”

I
could live with that.

“Vince,
I’m really sorry that happened.”  I
was.

“All
trails led me to you, so
I’m
not.”

“Let’s
go upstairs.”  I rubbed his thigh lightly.  “I’m going to miss you this
weekend.”

He
pulled me onto his lap.  “Why do we have to go upstairs when we have a
completely good couch?”

I
got to Elsa’s on Friday a little after 9 pm.  She was dressed and waiting for
me.   By dressed, I mean that she had clothes on. 
If her pants were any
tighter, I could have read her thoughts.
  I barely made it in the door with
my bag before she was rushing me out.

“Whoa! 
Look at your fucking hair!”  She ruffled her fingers through it.  “Let’s move
it, woman.  Sultan’s closes at 10 and we need meat pies.”  She was right.  We
did
need meat pies.  I had a lot to tell her.

We
walked the short distance to the restaurant and got a chicken shawarma and two
meat pies to go.  She flirted shamelessly with some guy behind the counter.  He
knew her name… I got the feeling that there was more to that story.  When we
left, she winked at him, linking her arm through mine.

“What’s
happening in our wee Indianapolis these days?  Are you feeling okay?  You
should move back here… you know, since Ryan’s gone.”  She was worried about
me.  Mom probably wanted scoop.

“It’s
actually really good.  I have a lot to tell you.”

“
Really?
 
Dish.”

“Let’s
wait until we get back to your place.  I need to stretch out… and drink a
beer.”

“Word. 
Oooh, I’ve got Jager too!”  She rubbed my arm.  “I miss you, sissy.”

“Aw,”
I responded, mocking her a bit.

She
responded by punching me in the
upper arm.

The
walk was too short.  I wasn’t ready to spill just yet.  I knew she couldn’t
wait because she told me approximately ten times on the way.  “I can’t wait to
find out your news!”

We
settled in and filled our plates.  Sitting down on giant throw pillows, we sat
across from each other at her coffee table.  She flipped on the television to
Pandora.  We listened to the Interpol station.

“I’ve
been seeing someone.”

She
nearly choked.  “Uh, say
what
?”

“I’ve
been seeing someone.  His name is Vince.  It’s new, but I wanted you to know. 
I know everyone will think it’s too soon, but I can’t help it.”  I was talking
way
too fast.  “He lived here in Chicago, but I met him in Indy.  He’s moved there
now… he’s really great and I want everyone to like him, but I’m afraid…”

She
cut me off.  “You
love
him.”

“No,”
I lied.  I hadn’t even told
him
that yet.

“Yes,
you
love
him.”  She paused.  “How is that possible?  Like when did you
meet?  It
had
to be love at first sight because it’s only been like three
months, right?”  Now
she
was the one talking fast.

“Nine
weeks.  We met just before the funeral.”

“Holy
fuck!  Were you two together
before
Ryan died?”  Her eyes were huge.

“No,
God
, Elsa!  I met him
because
Ryan died.  They were friends from
Northwestern; he came to the funeral.  Do you remember him, maybe?  Tall? 
Anyway, he and his brother stayed at my house for almost a week after.  Since
then, he’s just spent every weekend back and forth between here and there,
basically.”  I was staring at my plate.  I couldn’t make eye contact with her.

“Whoa. 
This is a lot to take in.”  Her eyes had a million questions.  She just asked
one
. 
“Does he love
you
?”

I
breathed in carefully.  “Yes.”

“Ho-lee
shit.  Mom’s gonna fucking die, for reals.”

“Please,
El, don’t say anything. 
Promise
me.  I’m going over there on Sunday and
I’ll bring it up.”

“How
are you gonna bring
that
up?  Good luck, dude.”  She took a bite of her
pie and chewed slowly, a smile spreading across her face.  “You guys fucked yet?”

“El! 
What’s the matter with you?”

“
What
?” 
Her mouth was full.  “It’s a fucking valid question.”

“God…” 
What was I supposed to tell her?
  “It’s complicated.”

“How’s
it complicated?  Either you fucked or you didn’t.” 

She
had a point.

“We’ve
slept together.” 
There.  End of subject.

She
got a solemn look on her face.  “And how do you
feel
about that?”

“Well,
I did feel
okay
about it, but I don’t know if I should, judging by your
face.”

She
put her meat pie down and wiped her mouth with a paper towel.  “
Seriously
. 
What did you
expect
me to say?  Your husband dies, I’m worried fucking
sick about you, you won’t return my phone calls, so I think you’re down there taking
fucking sleeping pills or something… then you get here and tell me that you’ve
totally moved on!  I mean, what’s my face
supposed
to look like?  I’m just
surprised, that’s all.”

I
could feel tears coming. 
Fuck.  Every time someone tells me something I
can’t handle, I cry?

“I
haven’t moved on.”  My voice was quiet.

“You
love
this guy, Rach?  Cause that’s what you’re telling me.  I mean,
that’s what I’m
hearing
.  And that’s alright if you do.  I just wish you
wouldn’t have waited two fucking months to tell me.”

“I
haven’t
been
with him the
whole
time, El.  This is new.”

“You
just told me that you met him nine
weeks
ago.”

“Yeah,
but I didn’t
fuck
him on the night of the funeral!”  I stood up.  “Fuck
you
,
Elsa.”

I
grabbed my bag and, with shaking hands, fumbled around for a cigarette.  I
stalked towards the kitchen and made my way her sliding glass door which led to
a small patio.  I sat on a hard metal chair and clicked the lighter.  A few
minutes later, she joined me.  She reached out and took my free hand.

“I’m
sorry.”

The
tears came now.  I tried to stare at a corner of the table, taking a long drag
off of my cigarette. I choked out, “I knew no one would understand.  That’s why
I kept it to myself.”

“Are
you kidding me?  I understand completely.  You were
alone
.  This guy
came and picked up the pieces.  I mean,
think
about it.  When Dave and I
split, I was fucking shredded.  Then, three days later, I fucked a guy from
Pilates class.”  She cocked her head at me.  “
See?
  I know.”  She took
the cigarette from my hand and took a pull off of it, handing it back to me.

“I
just wish it were easier.  We have to hide.”

“Why? 
Fuck
those people.” 

She
always did have a different outlook on life than I did
.

“That’s
what Vince says too.  I don’t know.”  I flicked the lighter a few times and
laid it back down on the table.  “I think I just need to talk to Jack.”

“Who
the fuck is Jack?”

“Jack
is Vince’s brother.  He doesn’t know about us either.”

“Don’t
you think Vince should be the one to tell him?”

“He
wanted to, but I wanted him to wait.  I don’t know.  It seems like I’m the only
one hung up on this whole thing.  I’ve just been trying to put myself in Ryan’s
shoes.  What if the tables were turned?  Would I want everyone to just be
okay
with him having a new girlfriend two months after he buried me?  I feel like
I’m screwed no matter what.  Vince tries to understand, but he just thinks that
this is ‘natural’ and doesn’t understand why I want to keep it a secret.”

“You
have to put yourself in
Vince’s
shoes, not Ryan’s.  He wants to fucking
be
with you and can’t.  All he sees is that he has a girlfriend that he loves and
he can’t tell any of his friends or family about it.  That kinda sucks, Ray.”

I
held my hand up.  “I know, you’re right.”

“Fuck
it.  Let’s call Jack.  You want to
talk
to him, I’ll come with you.” 
She took the last draw off of the cigarette and flicked it over the balcony. 
“Is he
hot
?”

*

Jack
was home when I called.  Elsa and I had gotten in a cab and headed up north to
Edgewater.  It was an expensive ride, at least seven miles from her apartment. 
When we arrived, Jack was sitting on the steps with a large dog.

“Hey.” 
I darted up the steps; he pulled me into a warm embrace.  The dog licked my
hand.

“Where’s
my bro?  I figured he’d be with you.”

“He’s
in Indy.  Jack, this is my sister, Elsa Black.”

The
two shook hands and said their hellos.  “Jeremy is here.”

He
was?  Jack hadn’t mentioned that on the phone.

“Does
he
live
here now?”

“Well,
he’s staying here for a while.  After Vince left, he couldn’t really afford
that place by himself.”

Oh.

“Great. 
It will be nice to see him,” I lied.  I didn’t feel comfortable around him; I
wasn’t sure why.

Elsa
looked at me.  I just shrugged my shoulders and we went inside.

“This
here
is Buster.”  He peered down at the dog.

“Nice
place, Jack.” 
It really was.
  Vince said that Jack made his living as a
furniture maker.  I didn’t know much about carpentry, but maybe I needed to
change professions.

Elsa
leaned down and rubbed Buster on the head.  “Hey, buddy.  Who’s a good boy?” 
He hopped up on the couch.

“You
guys want a beer?”

We
both nodded and Jack headed into the kitchen.  Jeremy came out of his room, as
if on cue.  He was shirtless, as usual.  I had seen him in a shirt once, at the
party.  Otherwise, being half nude was his uniform.

“Hey,
little mama,” he crooned, picking me up and doing a half spin. 
Were we that
friendly?
  He put me down slowly, his huge hands splayed across my back. 
“Who’s this?”

“This
is my sister, Elsa.  This is Jeremy.”

If
she could have smiled any bigger, her face would have split.  “Hi.”

“Drinks
all around for the hot sisters.” 
See?
 
This
is why I felt uncomfortable.

Elsa
giggled.  I shot her a look.  She mouthed
what the fuck?

Jack
came back with the beers and we all took a seat around the dining table.  I
wanted to speak with Jack alone.  I couldn’t talk to him about Vince with
Jeremy around.  Instead, we just sat and talked.  Jack told us about the visit
to his lawyer’s office and the final paperwork he had to sign in order to
finally get his divorce.  Her name was Lana.  I didn’t even know that. 
I
really needed to be a better listener.

Jeremy
stood and disappeared for a moment into his room, revealing a green glass
bottle. 
Fucking Jagermeister.
  “Too bad you didn’t hold on to that one,
mate.  She was a hot piece of ass.”

“Yeah,
she’s having someone else’s kid, so I was pretty sure that was my exit.”