A Chance for Sunny Skies (4 page)

My heart stopped. A nickname. No one had asked me to call them by a nickname since first grade (where everyone's a little weird and some kids still wet their pants). Sure, I made up loads of nicknames for people all the time, but out loud? To be asked. Like a friend. I hadn't had a friend that didn't have a username and who didn't talk to me exclusively in internet chat rooms about television shows for years. My skin started to prickle, as if a cold wind had swooped into the room.  Suddenly, all my wanting to fit in today at work seemed attainable. This girl was so outgoing, so like I wished I could be. Maybe she was my new Tim, maybe she could help me get past my anxieties.

I nodded, awkwardly. The good feelings were quickly replaced by my standard "this won't happen" doubts. Maybe this was too much. The fact that I thought she might be my friend spelled you're-wrong all over again, like all those times I thought people were going to be my friends, but they were just making fun of me.

While I went back and forth between hope and doubt, Rainy continued to talk to herself, saying, "There's not really any way to shorten Sunny. You just get 'Sun' which makes it sound like you're Mr. T, calling everyone 'Son' instead of 'Fool.'"

My face started to get red as my thoughts settled decisively on doubt. Big time doubt. No, this was too good to be true. I panicked. I couldn't breathe. I needed to leave. I tried to stand up, but couldn't get out of the freaking chair. My arms flailed in front of me and I knocked the mug I'd been using across the coffee table.

My neck and face heated up in an instant. Shit. Dammit. I looked at the mug, spinning on its side at the end of the table. I looked at Rainy, or I suppose I should call her Rainbow or Ms. Gold because I wasn't a friend, I was just some girl who was seconds away from running out of there and driving away.

I finally clawed my way out of the chair.

"It's empty." Rainy's words weren't loud, but for someone who's used to leaving in the awkward silence of people who are waiting for you to be gone so it's not weird anymore, they felt thunderous.

I stopped and looked at her. Pieces of her blond hair had come loose from the bandana she wore, her lips were peeled back into a huge smile, her teeth were bright, and she pointed at the mug.

"You finished all of the tea I gave you." Her eyes moved from the mug to me. "I got you to like tea."

I blinked and remembered the tea. We were talking. (Well, she was mostly talking at me.) It was warm and cinnamony, good. She was right; I liked it. I liked her. My lips pulled into a smile, too. I had changed. I
could
change.

I realized Rainy wasn't looking at me like I was stupid or weird. She didn't have that pained look on her face begging for me to go away. She didn't even have the joking curl to her lips that came when people made fun of me. Her freckles splattered her face as her eyes curled around the happiness of her smile. It was a warm look, a friendly look, safe. Something I hadn't seen for a while.

"Will you come again?" she asked.

The words spread into my ears, over my brain, and throughout my body like soft, buttery honey. I pressed my lips together.

And nodded.

I walked out her front door. The sun brightly laid its warm rays about the street, taking the bite out of the crispness that lingered in the spring air. I breathed it all in like I had just woken up after a long nap.

When I got home, I didn't turn on the TV to escape in fake people's lives like I normally would've, I didn't even check any of the online message boards I belonged to. That life, a life of hiding, seemed like it was shriveling up and dying, making way for a new, happier Sunny. Instead, I grabbed a book I'd been meaning to read, plopped myself on my small apartment balcony and read, the word, "hope" resounding around me just as loudly as the bird chattering in the trees.

I did go back to the tea shop.

Two days later. After a particularly people-full day at work where Ken had ambushed me with "hilarinsults," three people forgot my name, and I felt a lot like I was drowning all over again, I went back to see Rainy.

It was a new feeling, having someone real I could go see in hopes they'd make my day better. Having a friend, maybe. Usually the TV or ice cream were that for me. They never did make me feel better.

I pulled Gerald up to the curb outside Rainy's place and I sat there. Later in the day than my last visit, the sun was lower in the sky, giving the cool breezes and shadows more room to roam the oak-tree-lined streets and grassy, cracked sidewalks.

I hiked up my pants as I got out and did my check for more of those images. Signs of signs, I had started to call it. (Yep, I fully embraced the psychic weirdness of the whole situation, looked forward to it even.) I stood on the sidewalk and squinted as I tried to find a purple bag. I only supposed they would come in order. The fence had come first, after all. So the bag should be next. The fence had brought the best day I'd had in years... in my life. So I expected big things from that freaking bag. Whenever it decided to show up.

As I walked toward the house, the realization that the other day, meeting Rainy, had been my best in years shoveled an elephant-sized weight of pressure on going to see her again. I stopped before I got too close. What if Rainy didn't remember me? What if she wasn't as nice as I remembered? What if that day was something un-recreatable?

My lungs clenched together in a freak-out. My anxiety crawled up up up and clung at my neck, making it even harder to breathe. I couldn't do this. Not on a day that'd already been so terrible. I spun on my heel and SMACK! CRACK! SPLAT! I ran right into the fence and another slat fell onto the sidewalk.

I squeezed my eyes shut and stood there, frozen, hoping it wasn't as loud as it sounded. I heard movement behind me.

"You really do have something against my fence, Sunny Skies."

I looked back, squinting through the embarrassment that scrunched my face up into an apology. "Sorry." My heart hammered in my chest as I just stood there hoping that maybe if I didn't move, she'd forget I was there, had ever been there.

"You coming in?" Rainy asked with a smile.

My heart slowed. Rainy was the same. She wanted me to come in. It wasn't a one-time-thing. I nodded and shrugged my shoulders like it wasn't a big deal, like I didn't need a friend, like I hadn't had a stupid day or a stupid life.

Rainy jerked her head toward her house. "Then get your butt in here." I tried not to smile too big as I walked up the steps. Her eyes followed me and she said, "Told you I'm lucky." She opened the door wider so I could come in. "Got a few customers this time, but they're regulars."

Other people? I broke out into a sweat. My shoulders hunched together as if trying to hide my neck. I took a deep breath and reminded myself not everyone had seen the Most likely to die alone
yearbook page. I was a good thirty miles from my home town and my past. I had to remind myself this had been the visions' doing, those pictures had brought me to Rainy, and that maybe God or the universe wasn't just bored by my life, but maybe thought it could be something more. Something better.

I walked into the tea shop, grinning at the high-ass cat on the sign again. There were three people in the shop, an old man sitting by himself and two women sitting on the couch. The man held one of the old books in his hand and slurped at his tea as he read. The women looked like they were cut from the same cloth as Rainy, stretchy earth-colored cloth.

Rainy bypassed the old man and led me to the couch area, motioning me to sit in the chair I had occupied the other day. My blood froze in my veins. She wanted me to sit across from these people? My eyes darted around the room, looking for an escape, an exit. Sitting across from people meant talking, talking meant awkward, awkward meant losing Rainy. I couldn't do it.

"I -- oh! I forgot I --." I stumbled over excuses.

Rainy didn't even acknowledge my odd ramblings. She said, "I'm going to make you some Sunny tea, Sun!" She laughed and her teeth glimmered in the dusty light of the shop. "I decided to use the nickname anyway. I like sounding like Mr. T." She disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me alone with the ladies.

I looked at them and swallowed. The motion of swallowing seemed to contort my face into a smile because the women smiled up at me. I plopped down on the chair, as if my pants were heavy and water-logged like the other day.

"Sunny, was it?" one of the women said.

I nodded.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Lizzy and this is Anna." The woman with dirty-blond straight-ish hair pointed to herself and then her friend with dark wild curls. "So how do you know Rainy?"

I nodded again. I knew it was the wrong response, but being all I could think of, I was stuck with it. My cheeks started to go red, I could feel the heat traveling up up up from my neck. The fear I might say the wrong thing was as palpable as if there had been a man with a knife to my throat, threatening me not to say a thing. Words flew through my mind. I could say.... Nope, weird. What about...? Naw, too personal. Oh, there's...! What if they think I'm lame? Sigh. Nothing seemed right. I looked to the kitchen in desperation and willed Rainy to come back. I needed her.

"I -- we." My voice cracked. Cracked! Like a freaking teenage boy. My thumbnail scraped against my fingertips nervously. I could just picture what these poor women were witnessing. A pudgy girl in ill-fitting clothing and skin that was turning close to the color of her hair. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. When I opened them, Rainy walked back into the room, carrying a mug and teapot for me.

"Sunny hates my fence. She keeps coming around, trying to break it and I keep forcing her to drink tea." Rainy winked at me.

I wanted to hug her. She poured tea into the mug and handed it to me. I hugged my hands around that instead and listened as the women started chatting.

I discovered Lizzy taught yoga when she looked at me and said, "I teach yoga." She flourished her hand over her body as she said that. At first, I thought it was totally vain, like she was saying, "Obviously. Look how awesome my body looks, fat girl." But by the way she giggled, snorted a little, and pulled at her black pants and flip flops, I realized she was making fun of her wardrobe.

I pressed my lips together and my shoulders relaxed a bit. Until, that is, I remembered my Signs of Signs check. Yoga. The bag with the yoga mat came next. My heart started pounding in my ears. I looked frantically around the room and my eyes stopped on a bag, the bag, sitting on the floor next to Lizzy. Did this mean I should take a class or something? Immediately after that thought, I started having a slight freak out. I couldn't do yoga, but the bag was here with Lizzy. My mind kept repeating the word "different". I sighed and decided to listen in on what they were talking about to get more information about this yoga stuff before I committed.

Anna and Rainy were students of Lizzy's. That's how they all knew each other. Right away, I realized that I wanted what they had. I wanted to be happy, to have friends, to make fun of myself ironically, but not really have a problem with who I was like they did. It was like seeing my heart's deepest desire through The Mirror of Erised in the first Harry Potter (I fully embrace my dorkdom, I know). I cocked my head and watched them, mesmerized as they talked about their latest class and some man they called, "Mr. Yoga". While Lizzy was small and super-fit, the other girls... weren't. It's not like they were fat. Not at all. They weren't constantly pulling up their pants and down their shirts like me. They were strong, sturdy, and I got the distinct impression it would be really hard to push them over.

I sipped my tea as I thought. I always assumed everyone who did yoga weighed ninety-seven pounds and could bend their body into a pretzel the first day. These girls, they looked normal. Like me. Well, sans the uncomfortable muffin top and evil bloaty feeling.

Plus, their clothes, the stretchy, let's-go-on-a-hike-then-go-to-dinner look, well, it looked really easy and fun. I scrunched my nose up at my khaki pants and stupid clearance shoes. My pants were too tight, because that's what you get with khakis, they're either too tight or too loose. I'd pretty much resigned to the fact my underwear line would always show through them. That's just what happened, right? My shoes were uncomfortable, even though they were touted as "ergonomic work wear." My toes curled in on themselves inside the hot, brown, cages and longed for the breezy Birkenstocks or Teva sandals the other girls wore.

"Have you ever done yoga?" Lizzy asked. As she smiled, her tight, tan skin wrinkled slightly.

My face turned red. I'm pretty sure the fact I had never ever done yoga was even obvious to the guy reading in the corner, but I didn't say anything. I shook my head.

She dipped her chin. "You should try it. I've been studying yoga for years and I've seen it turn people's lives around, especially people who thought they'd never try it."

My cheeks felt hot. I pressed my lips together, all too aware I should be saying something at this point. Every time I tried, all I could hear was kids teasing me about my muteness ringing in my ears.
Silent Sunny, silent Sunny.
Their maniacal laughing still hurt as I remembered it. The difference now was that at the same time I was drowning in terrible memories (reasons to stay hidden, to give up) I kept seeing that yoga bag vision (telling me I should go). I felt pushed back and forth, ripped in two.

Rainy must've seen my struggle because she piped in, telling me that she'd been doing yoga for four years and Anna had joined their class just a few months ago. A few months? Another misconception I'd had of yogis is that they must've been doing it since forever. But Anna, strong-looking, dark-haired, confident-seeming Anna, had only been at it for less than a year. Hmmm...

"You should come to class tomorrow," said Lizzy.

The words hung around me for a moment before I could register them. Yes! This is what the vision was for. It felt right, but I couldn't seem to help myself as I shook my head.

Rainy punched me in the shoulder. "Why not, Sun?"

I made the same nostrilly face I made every morning and grabbed at my stomach fat. I rubbed my hands all over my buttery middle section and looked back up at them, my eyebrows rising in a is-that-enough-of-a-reason-for-you way.

Anna laughed. "Sunny, yoga is for everybody and every body." She jabbed an elbow at Lizzy. "That's what Liz told me when I gave the same excuse as you just did."

She kept talking, but I couldn't hear a word of it because at that moment a group walked into the shop. Two things about this group stood out to me and made me simultaneously want to jump for joy while curling up in a ball to die. I was at a full-on Tim-scale ten, people. Maybe even eleven if we were talking in Spinal Tap terms.

There were two people in the group. Both women. The joyous part came from the fact that one of the girls wore green sneakers. Just like the ones in my near-death-pictures. The curling up and dying part came up because the other girl was Jessica Harvey, a girl I went to high school with. They sat down at a table in the corner. Rainy popped up to help them. I kept staring.

How could Jessica be there? I had moved away from my hometown (granted, I only moved about half an hour south, but who else would think to do that?) Plus, this was my new special place. How could Rainy let one of my tormentors from high school in here? She said she was lucky.

Then there were the shoes! The shoes! The third vision. Did it seem right to see two visions in one day? The only problem being that these shoes were on her feet and there were two of them. In my mind there had always been just one, in the street. My fingers twitched as if they might grab the shoe right off this chick's foot and throw it into the road just to make my vision come true.

"Sunny?" Anna looked at me, her eyebrows knit together close, like the cotton of the breezy skirt she wore.

Shit. They had still been talking to me. Now Rainy was gone and I had no one to rescue me.

"You look like you swallowed a bug." Lizzy leaned in close and turned to see what I stared at. "Do you know them?"

I didn't answer the question, because at that moment Rainy finished taking their order, she walked into the kitchen, and Jessica spotted me. She looked right at me, but at the same time looked through me, just like she and Melanie had perfected during high school. It made me feel equal amounts of judgment and dismissal. In that first look I realized Jessica hadn't changed much either. The slight lift in her face as she saw me, the upward curl of her lips, they were the signs of a predator finding something it hadn't come across in a while.

Easy prey.

She pounced. She leaned forward to her friend like a big cat curling over a wounded animal's neck. "OMG, I know that girl. She went to my high school." She giggled. "Her hair used to look exactly like a helmet, I'm not kidding."

Now, the reason I knew exactly what they were saying wasn't because I guessed and it's not even the narrator trick that happens in books where they can see and hear everything that's going on. The reason I knew what she said was because
everyone
in the room knew. She was talking super loud.