A Million Guilty Pleasures: Million Dollar Duet (6 page)

“You’re a disgusting pig, you know that?” Lexi said to me after having sat through the explanation of why we needed her there.

Normally, I wouldn’t let anyone get away with talking to me like that, but this situation was different. Even if it hadn’t been, one chose their battles with my cousin carefully. To the public eye, Alexis Mavis was a business savvy lady who garnered much respect from men and women alike among society’s upper crust. But to those of us who knew her best, she was still that tomboy climbing trees and wading through dirty creek water in her white Sunday best to catch a toad. She said what was on her mind when it was on her mind, and she didn’t give a rat’s ass who liked it or not.

“Yes, I do,” I agreed, because it was true, but it was also irrelevant at that moment. “Regardless, it’s not like that now.
I love her and she loves me, and she’s sitting in there with her father, unwilling to let me leave because she doesn’t want to have to go through all this shit by herself. Nor do I want her to. Now, are you going to help us or not?”

“Yes,” she finally agreed, and then gave me her signature bitch look. “But I’m only doing this for her because you obviously took advantage of the situation. She doesn’t deserve to go down in flames for something that you’re equally as guilty of, you enabler.”

I was fine with that, because she was right.

Lexi was actually the one who came up with the ingenious plan. I had no contribution to make because I couldn’t get the thought of Delaine wearing panties out of my head. It was a blatant disregard for my rule, a cheap shot, and she had to be punished—soon. I was looking forward to it.

“All right, team, let’s get out there and bring home the win,” Dez said. But when I made as if to leave the room, she blocked my way. She had the whole intimidating stare-down thing going on. “You and I still need to have a little chitchat, don’t you think?”

I might have been a tad afraid, because Dez looked like she’d eaten the head off a prison guard or two in her day after having fucked them stupid, praying-mantis style. Plus Lexi was poised for the tag-in.

“Can it wait? I don’t want to spend another moment away from Lanie.”

“Aww, how sweet are you?” she asked, her tone saccharine. I didn’t fall for the trick because I was a smart guy. Dez narrowed her eyes. “No, it can’t wait. You hurt her. I don’t care who you are or how much money you have—you shouldn’t be
allowed to get away with that. Lanie loves you, though, so my hands are tied.” She stepped into my personal space, coming nose to nose with me. “But make her cry again and I will set fire to your testicles.”

I heard the flick of a lighter and immediately looked down to find she’d somehow managed to pickpocket and use my own damn lighter to drive her point home. I jumped back and grabbed my boys to make sure they were okay. Dez laughed, closing the lid on my lighter and slapping it to my chest.

“You should’ve seen your face!” Dez turned around and high-fived Lexi, aka my traitor of a cousin. Obviously blood was not thicker than water. Despite that, I was happy Lanie had someone else who would fight tooth and nail to protect her.

We finally made it out of Daniel’s office and were on our way toward Faye’s room when Dez sidled up to Lexi and linked arms with her. “So … sports agent, huh? You must have a lot of connections. Any chance you can get me into the Gators’ locker room? It’s sort of my lifelong dream. Okay, so maybe not my lifelong dream, but hello? Locker room, big manly men, nakedness … 
so
my thing.”

Lexi chuckled. “Is that even a real question? Those college kids all think they’re the next big thing, so they’re usually champing at the bit to get me to visit their locker room. And FYI, they have no shame, but they do have teeny, tiny towels. So yeah, I can get you in. We should make a weekend of it.”

Dez covered her mouth with her hands and gasped. “You shut your dirty whorish mouth.”

“I will not,” Lexi laughed. “Brad isn’t keen on me making those trips without him. Not because he’s insecure, but because he knows they’re ogling what belongs to him and he’s a
stingy little boy who doesn’t like to share his toys. Doesn’t matter, though, because he doesn’t get to tell me what to do. Tell you what. Since I really like you and all, I’ll set it up and give you a call. The whole trip will be my treat.”

“Alexis Mavis, from the bottom of my fatherfucking heart, I want to have your babies,” Dez said, completely serious. “No way am I going to get my hoohah all distorted to do so, but I’m pretty sure we could pay a doctor enough to make it so that I can push one out of my asshole for you. We could name him, her, it, whatever … Asstasia, or Buttford, or Derrierick,” she said, flaring her hands out with each name as if they were spelled out in lights on Broadway.

“Or you could just have a C-section,” Polly offered. All three of them burst out into a fit of giggles, drawing attention from the nurses and orderlies at the nurses’ station.

“Shh,” I hushed them, because we were nearing Faye’s room. “Okay, Lexi, go do your thing,” I said, putting my hand on the small of her back and giving her a push toward the door.

“Wait a minute, asshat!” At least she whispered it. Lexi turned on me and thumped me on the forehead. Lucky for her, she was family. “Delicate shit like this takes finesse and preparation. You can’t just go rushing in without looking the part. Polly? Dez?”

I sighed in defeat and watched as Polly scurried off toward the water fountain with a paper cup. Lexi turned toward Dez, who started bunching Lexi’s clothes up in her hands while Lexi pinched and smacked at her own cheeks. When Polly returned, she drew her arm back as if to hurl the contents of the paper cup at Lexi, but Lexi stopped her. “Jesus Christ, Polly
Pocket! I’m supposed to look like I’ve been rushing, not like the winner of a wet T-shirt contest!”

“Oh, right. My bad,” Polly said with a sheepish grin.

“Okay. Now …” Lexi mussed her hair, threw her shoulders back, and then lifted her chin. “Drizzle me, baby. Make me sweat.”

There were about a million rude and crude things I could’ve said in response to that comment, but the short-lived satisfaction from the zing wouldn’t have been worth it in the end. Lexi was the reigning queen of a very long game of guerrilla wordfare, a game in which verbal assault was our weapon of choice. We’d been playing it since we were kids, so I knew she would most definitely get her revenge and we didn’t have time for that. Plus, I was pretty sure Lanie would’ve tied me to a car bumper, stomped on the gas pedal, and dragged my ass down the middle of the street until my balls had a thorough case of road rash for insulting her friend. The thought of picking tiny pebbles out of my sack with tweezers for the next year of my life was not the least bit appealing, so I let it go.

Polly dipped the tips of her fingers into the cup and flicked them toward Lexi’s face, neck, and chest until she looked, very convincingly, like she’d been rushing around in a panic. Afterward, Lexi breathed in and out rapidly until she was practically panting. Then she turned toward the door and yanked it open with a purpose that perfectly mimicked the plan we had set in motion.

Lanie

The wait was excruciating; sort of like waiting to see if the little white stick you just peed all over was going to show one line or
two after a drunken one-night stand where the person you ended up going home with was a scrub with no job, no money, and no control over their bodily functions. Okay, so I didn’t really know anything about that, but I had an imagination and I watched a lot of cable television. My mother was in surgery, my father was sitting patiently beside me as he read the local newspaper, and Noah was somewhere in the building concocting God only knew what sort of plan to explain his presence in my little corner of the western hemisphere. My fingernails couldn’t withstand the torture my gnawing teeth were putting on them for much longer, and I was pretty sure that if you put a lump of coal between my ass cheeks you were going to get a diamond the size of a baseball.

Sandra, aka Nurse Barbie, had come into the room moments earlier to let us know that everything was well with my mother and that she was in recovery. Daniel would be in soon to give us the rest of the details. It was fantastic news, but I still had the other drama to worry about. My dad might have been a bit off his game, but he was so skilled at detecting bullshit that I knew we weren’t going to get away with anything as far as he was concerned. I just hoped Noah’s plan would be as flawless as his face and that Daddy wasn’t carrying his firearm.

Suddenly the door flew open and I jumped so high out of my chair that I listed sideways and hit my head on the wall. That smarted, too.

“Oh my God, Lanie! We came as soon as we could,” Lexi said as she rushed into the room and wrapped her arms around me. “Are you okay? Is your mom okay? What’s going on?”

“Lexi? What are you doing here?” I asked, confused.

“Saving your ass,” she whispered into my ear.

It was then that I looked over her shoulder and saw Noah
stroll in with all the swagger and grace of a runway model. No, scratch that. He looked more like a rock star turned sex god on a rocket ship to planet Orgasm. His right hand was wedged into the front pocket of his jeans and the fingers of his other were casually stroking the edge of his impossibly chiseled jaw. The pad of his thumb caressed his bottom lip and a hint of his talented tongue peeked out to wave a how-do-you-do.

The Cooch started bouncing up and down while clapping. And when Noah casually adjusted himself in his jeans, she put the back of her hand to her forehead and swooned. Yeah, that was the effect the man had on my body. And my mom was okay, so my reaction to him wasn’t the least bit indecent, thank you very much.

“Omigod, is this your dad?” Lexi abruptly turned me loose and sashayed over to him. Yes, she sashayed, which made me wonder if the ingenious plan the four of them had come up with had anything to do with infidelity, because she was laying it on pretty thick, batting her lashes and jiggling her cleavage. I was pretty sure the curtains were going to part to reveal a stripper’s pole, a stage, and a DJ. I didn’t know if I should tackle her to the ground and pound her face with my fist or dig into my wallet for all the dollar bills I could find.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Mr. Talbot,” she said, offering my dad her hand. “I’m Alexis Mavis, Lanie’s roommate.” My roommate? Yeah, that threw me for a loop, but I decided I should probably keep my mouth shut and see how it all played out. One look at Polly and Dez holding their breath let me know I was right.

Mack was awestruck by Lexi, and I sort of wanted to punch him for salivating over her like that when his wife, my mother,
was lying in a recovery room down the hall. Not that I really thought Mack would cheat on her. And to be fair, it wasn’t like it was his fault. I ventured a guess that Lexi had that power over any man not related to her, so his reaction was pretty normal. Plus, he recovered from his boob-induced trance quickly enough, so I had to at least give him credit for that.

“Alexis Mavis the sports agent? Your husband is NFL player Brad Mavis, right?” my dad asked with an awed expression. Aha, so that would explain the salivating. The only other thing that could make a man react that way would be sports, and my dad was a fanatic.

“One and the same,” Lexi said with a red-carpet smile in place.

Oh, she was good.

Mack looked as confused as I was. I think I covered mine fairly well, mostly because I was distracted by the way Noah was breathing. Well, it wasn’t so much the way he was breathing as the fact he just was. Add to that the fact he was there and that he loved me, and I was pretty much done for in the coherency department.

“Didn’t Lanie tell you?” Lexi asked, looking to me and then back at my dad. She sighed and rolled her eyes in exasperation when I shrugged dumbly. “When Lanie got to campus, it turned out there was some mix-up on the dorm assignments—as in one less bed than they had originally thought. And well, since she was so late to report on her scholarship, she was pretty much left to fend for herself.

“I’m an NYU alum, and my husband and I were there to have lunch with the dean, but as we were leaving, we overheard all the fuss and wanted to help. Lucky for Lanie, we just
happened to have an extra room in our penthouse off campus,” Lexi explained—quite convincingly, I might add.

“And you didn’t call us because …?” Mack asked, tilting his head to the side while giving me the same look he’d given me when I was younger and had gotten into something I had no business getting into.

“I, um …” I looked to Lexi for help.

“She was actually going to pack up and go back home, but I’m a strong believer in the importance of a good education, and I couldn’t let her give up because of a technicality.” I’d say she was laying it on a little too thick, but if it worked, I’d give her a standing ovation and nominate her for an Emmy. “Besides, Brad’s away for games a lot and I could use the company. She’s my date to a lot of social functions that Brad can’t make because of his schedule, which is where she met my dear, sweet cousin Noah.”

“Noah?” Mack asked, turning toward me. “Who’s Noah?”

“That would be me, sir.” Noah stepped forward with his hand outstretched. “Noah Crawford. It’s nice to finally meet you. Lanie’s told me so much about you and your wife.”

“She has, has she?” Mack asked, giving me another sideways glance. “Well, I wish I could say the same about you.”

I could practically hear his bullshit meter screaming high-pitched alarms.

“Yeah, um, sorry about that, Dad.” I stood and walked toward Noah to make a proper introduction and do some damage control. Noah put his arm around my waist and pulled me into his side, a sign that we were forming a united front, but really it was just incredibly distracting because I could both feel and smell him.

“Dad, I’d like for you to meet my … um, boyfriend, Noah Crawford,” I said, not really sure what to call him, which is probably why the whole thing came out sounding more like a question rather than a statement.

Mack looked at me and then Noah and then Noah’s arm, which was placed around my waist in a way that spoke volumes about our familiarity, and then down to Noah’s outstretched hand before he finally shook it. “
The
Noah Crawford, huh?”