A Simple Mistake (11 page)

Nick held Lainey while she cried. When she sat back, she saw his cheeks were wet too.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, unsure what to say or do next.

He wiped his face and stood to his feet. ‘Give me ten minutes, Lainey.’ And walked off.

Nick could have as long as he needed. She’d had years and didn’t expect him to process all this in the space of a few minutes. Lainey lay on her back, rested her arm on her forehead, closed her eyes, and remembered.

The moment Liam arrived in a slither and rush … falling in love the moment she breathed in the warm smell of her newborn … the bittersweet discovery of his misshapen pinkie, just like Nick’s …

She remembered the agony when the midwife wheeled her son out of her room, out of her life. And yet, the presence of the Lord had been with her in a special way at that moment. She would
never
forget that.

It could have been ten minutes or it might have been sixty before she heard Nick’s footsteps. He lay down on his side, propped on his elbow and just looked at her.

‘How are you?’ She didn’t know what else to say.

‘Shell-shocked, amongst other things.’ He leaned over and placed his palm on her stomach, warm through her shirt. ‘I missed seeing him grow.’

‘That’s why I was upset yesterday.’ She put her hand over his. ‘Watching you do that to Sharon made me jealous. I wanted you there every time he moved, every time he kicked. I wanted to share everything with you.’ A tear snaked its way down her temple.

‘I’m so sorry, Lainey, for getting you pregnant, causing you to go through this all on your own.’

‘I wasn’t exactly unwilling, Nick.’

‘I know, but I should have been more responsible.’ He removed his hand and she missed it at once. ‘Tell me everything.’

It would be hard, very hard, but it needed to be done.

Lainey sat up and took a deep breath. ‘It was Christmas night when I told Mum I thought I was pregnant. She was horribly shocked but didn’t get mad, just held me while I cried and cried. The guilt was horrendous. I was terrified of Roger’s reaction; he didn’t speak to me for days, which was better than I deserved. Mum was brilliant with him.

‘It was Henry’s idea I stay. I worked in his hardware store in the mornings and helped Janet in the afternoons. After Mum left, it was hard but Janet was lovely. She introduced me to her friends at church and they took me under their wing. Not once did they judge me or make me feel like a heathen. I did a fabulous job of that all by myself.’

Nick gave a half laugh. ‘I’ll bet you did.’

Lainey smiled weakly then looked over at the water. ‘It didn’t take long to see how tough it is to raise a child. I saw how Janet and Henry worked together and when your letters never came, I figured I’d be on my own. I prayed and prayed and decided to trust the Lord to find our baby two loving parents.’

‘Was your Mum with you when you had him?’

‘Yeah, she was. She came two weeks before I was due, just in case. I called the baby Liam, Nick, after your dad. I needed to give him a name.’

She sneaked a look and wished she hadn’t. His face was wet again.

Lainey drew a shaky breath. ‘The hardest part was saying goodbye. But even in that terrible, terrible moment, God was with me. I remember praying, asking Him how I was supposed to do this. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could understand what I was going through. And then I felt His presence.’

Lainey rubbed at the gooseflesh on her arms. ‘There wasn’t an audible voice, but I still heard the words,
‘I understand. I gave up my Son too.’
I knew then God could be trusted with our son; I could leave him in His hands and he would be taken care of.’

She glanced over again. Nick’s head was bowed.

‘I started writing a journal a week after Liam was born; I poured my heart into it. Whenever I feel the need, I still do it, especially on days like his birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day. I hope and pray he’ll get to read it someday. And there’s something else.’ Several seconds went by. ‘Your mother knows.’

Nick’s head jerked up. ‘How could you tell
her
and not me?’

‘I didn’t tell her. I wanted you to know before anybody, but she guessed. A few weeks ago, she asked my mother all the right questions and they added up. That’s why I was so nervous about seeing her again. I didn’t just send away our son, I sent away her grandchild too. I needed her forgiveness.’

There was silence, then, ‘You’ve been through so much.’

‘Yes, but God’s been there for me all along, Nick. That’s why I owe Him my life. He’s given mine back so many times over.’

Again, he was silent and she didn’t pursue it.

The sun was setting by the time they arrived home. Nick switched off the ignition and turned to her. He looked utterly spent but his eyes still registered love and warmth.

‘I love you. That hasn’t changed,’ he said.

‘I still say I don’t deserve you.’

‘Yeah, you’re right.’ He smiled at her feeble push. ‘But then, I don’t deserve you. I got you pregnant and apparently forgot all about you.’

‘It doesn’t matter now. I’m so glad you finally know.’

‘It’s going to take a bit of getting used to, the idea of a boy out there somewhere that’s part you and part me.’

Lainey choked back more tears. She still found it hard; she always would.

* * *

Several times a day Lainey would find Nick staring at nothing, deep in thought and sometimes he would be staring at her.

They still did all the things they had planned, including going to see
Against All Odds
with Hannah. When his character died, she was glad Nick was there beside his mother, very much alive.

Everywhere they went Nick would get stopped and asked for his autograph or to have a photo taken. He did it without showing any annoyance or impatience. As he said, if it wasn’t for the fans, he wouldn’t be as successful as he was. He owed it to them to be as generous as possible.

Most evenings they ate with Hannah but one night they went out by themselves to a local restaurant. The silences weren’t awkward, but there were several.

After their plates had been cleared, Nick pushed back his chair. ‘I still can’t believe I’m a father.’

‘Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve had a baby either, then I see the stretch marks on my stomach and know it’s true.’

Nick smiled. ‘Right. The swimsuit thing. I can’t believe you’ve never told Lara’

‘I couldn’t, not without you knowing first. Will you tell James?’

‘I think the less people who know the better.’ Nick rubbed a hand over his face. ‘Have you thought about contacting Liam yourself once he’s eighteen? Or do you think we should just wait and see if he wants to find us?’

‘I’m torn. I don’t want to barge in on his life, but at the same time, it’s killing me not knowing anything about him; if he’s alright, happy, healthy, what he looks like.’ She smiled. ‘The first thing I checked when he was born was his nose, to make sure he didn’t have mine. Mum was the one who noticed he had your little finger.’

‘Would you like us to go and visit your parents, let them know you’ve told me?’

‘Yes, please.’ She leaned over and gripped his hand. ‘But Nick, whatever happens we need to do it together. It’s not just up to me anymore. I know that.’

His smile was tired. ‘Thanks. Would you mind if we went home? I can do concert after concert but this week has exhausted me.’

She knew how he felt; she’d had plenty of days the same.

Later the same night, they sat outside on the deck, drinking tea.

‘How do you cope, Lainey? I mean, you see children every day at work that would be Liam’s age. What does it do to you?’

‘It’s not easy. I used to look at every pair of eyes like yours or mine then check their little fingers, but I don’t anymore.’

‘He mightn’t even be in the country.’

‘That’s true. Nick? You may not like what I’m about to say but hear me out. You wanted to know how I cope, so I’d like to tell you.

‘There’s a psalm in the Bible that tells me the Lord knows every little detail about us, that He knew us while we were being formed in our mother’s womb. It says all our days are written in His book before we’ve lived one of them. It helps me to trust Him.’

The lump in her throat thickened.

‘Every time August 10 comes around I struggle. I struggle with the fact that as a mother I should be there to protect my child. Sure, I might have been young but I was his
mother
and I gave him away.’ Despite her best efforts the tears were there. ‘And every August 10, God forgives me and I remember He loves me no matter what. I know He thinks about me and Liam more than there are grains of sand. Even though we’re not together, His hand will hold and guide us.

‘That’s when I renew my trust in God, and leave it up to Him to work out when we should meet again, because I can’t do it. Me, Lainey Sullivan, the organiser and orchestrator, can’t do it by herself.’ She tried to smile. ‘Bet you never thought you’d hear me say that.’

Nick was stretched out in his chair, head tipped back towards the night. ‘I wish I had the faith that you do, Lainey. I hear everything you say and it breaks my heart.You would be a wonderful mother, I have no doubt of that, and God willing you’ll get to have a chance again. I hope it’s with me.’

Abruptly, he got up and leaned his back against the railing, arms folded. ‘But I have a problem. How can I trust in a God who couldn’t save my father from an accident so he could be there for his six-year-old boy when he needed him?’

It was a fair question and it would have been asked by thousands of others in similar circumstances. She could’ve pointed out it wasn’t God’s fault, there was human error to be taken into account, natural laws in place, but now wasn’t the time. It wasn’t the message he needed to hear. He was hurting.

‘God understands your pain, Nick, He really does. All I can do is pray that one day you’ll come to the realisation of that for yourself.’

It didn’t help. He made a derogatory sound and went inside without even saying goodnight.

* * *

It was hard saying goodbye to Hannah but they planned to visit on the June long weekend. Nick would be back from his tour around Australia and about to start the Asia/New Zealand leg and Lainey would be coming back from a week in Canberra with her students. It would be the calm in the eye of the storm.

They were on a plane back to Sydney when Lainey remembered the other hurdle, the one that had been overshadowed by the importance of telling him her secret.

Where was their relationship actually going? They’d talked about having children, for crying out loud. She glanced at Nick, saw his impossibly handsome face and sighed. Out of all the women he knew, why had he picked her? It humbled her.

Nick caught her look, picked up her hand and kissed it. The familiar currents did their thing and she smiled. Would there always be this chemistry between them, even when they were old? She hoped they would get the opportunity to find out.

What would she do if he asked her to marry him?

Their time on the Coast had been rough, but they’d survived, clinging to each other rather than letting her confession tear them apart. To her way of thinking, Nick had every right to hate her for not doing whatever it took to find him and tell him about their baby. It was a miracle he still loved her, something Lainey didn’t take for granted.

But what was she going to do if he didn’t surrender his life to God soon? How long should she wait?

She remembered the conversation with Lara over breakfast at Coogee and the question she’d asked herself then. Unthinkable as it was, would
she
be the one to end their relationship? Would she be prepared to sacrifice her heart if the Lord asked her to?

Lainey had a sick feeling she was dodging a bullet. She would dodge it for as long as she could.

* * *

The days sped by. She didn’t get to see much of Nick during the week, but they managed to spend time together on the weekends. He still played tennis with Adam and had the occasional round of golf with him. They got on very well and both Lainey and Lara encouraged them to do things together. Lainey also knew that while James was Nick’s best mate, he was preoccupied with his wife these days. Mia was pregnant.

They were over for dinner when Mia made her announcement. At only eight weeks, she was feeling exhausted and nauseous. She was keeping it quiet for a while yet, but there was no way she wasn’t telling
them.

While Lainey hugged Mia, and again during conversations relating to the baby, she and Nick exchanged knowing glances. As they prepared dinner together, the girls had their own chat, and Mia thanked her for praying.

‘I’ve seen the looks between you two,’ Mia said. ‘You haven’t got some baby news too, have you?’

‘Are you kidding?’ Lainey kept chopping carrots. ‘There’s only ever been one immaculate conception and my name’s not Mary.’

‘You
still
haven’t slept with him? How on earth have you managed that?’

‘No is a choice too, and before you ask, it isn’t easy and can we please change the subject?’

Mia shook her head. ‘You
are
the real deal, aren’t you? Those running shoes of Nick’s must need replacing.’

Lainey grinned. ‘He bought a new pair the other day. So did I. Now
please
can we talk about something else?’

Somehow she and Nick managed to fit in a trip to see Roger and Rose and he apologised to both of them straight away. The handshake between Nick and Roger was much warmer when they said their goodbyes but Lainey didn’t think for a minute Roger condoned their relationship. He was the first person to avoid compromise and in his book they were unequally yoked.

As soon as the thought surfaced, Lainey buried it.

Naturally, most of the audience filling the Entertainment Centre was female. Only a few brave souls accompanied their ladies and Adam, Brian and Hamish were three of them. It helped when the tickets were free. They were also curious to see Nick ‘working’.

Lainey knew a lot of the songs now. During their time away Nick had played the ones he’d written about her and she’d cried all over his shirt. Now she was about to hear them again, and he was singing them just for her. He’d told her so.

The lights dimmed. The deep and steady hum of a synthesizer could just be heard over screams and whistles and Lainey found herself on her feet, caught up with everyone else. The curtains rose and dry ice billowed, the misty shapes pierced by a myriad of laser beams.

At first she could only hear him. The American talkshow host had likened Nick’s voice to chocolate – delicious and leaving you wanting more. Lainey agreed.

They’d watched the recordings of the shows together with Hannah and they’d been superb. There had been a marked increase in record sales as they’d hoped, and a tour of the States was being organised. For now, the boys were right here.

Through the haze, five figures emerged on a set of illuminated stairs. They looked impressive in their dark suits and white shirts, Nick in the middle. For the next little while she would have to share him with the huge crowd, but elsewhere, he belonged to her. It was a heady thought.

For the next ninety minutes she was held captive. Sometimes, Nick sang with his hand over his heart. Lainey had laughed at him when he’d told her he was going to do such a corny thing but it thrilled her more than she’d anticipated. He loved her.

It was obvious he was doing what he was born to do. He was magnificent. And having decided that, she was even more confused as to how their worlds could blend. It was an annoying intrusion on her evening and she pushed it away.

As the introduction to
The Journey
began, she sat back and closed her eyes. It was a stunning song and when the last notes died away she wished she could hear it all over again. Two encores later, the boys disappeared the same way they had come, the house lights came on, and reality seeped back in like an incoming tide.

Lainey dug in her handbag for her pass. ‘What did you think, Adam?’

‘Not quite as exciting as a rugby league grand final, but pretty good. Go and tell Nick he did a good job and I’ll see him when he wants another whipping at tennis or golf. I concede defeat over the singing.’

Lainey grinned. ‘And the dance moves. He’s not bad at those either. I’ll see you soon.’

She made her way downstairs then swam upstream to get to the side of the stage. Once she’d shown her pass, a security officer led her through the barrier and around the side to a door marked ‘Dressing Room 1’.

It was full of people but her internal radar zeroed in on Nick. He was with James and Malcolm, a bottle of water in his hand, his eyes on the door, and waiting for her.

‘Hello, you.’ His embrace was sweaty, laced with remnants of his aftershave.

Lainey kissed him, his lips cold from the icy water, at odds with the rest of him. ‘You don’t even look tired!’

‘It’s all the running. I’m the fittest I’ve ever been.’ He laughed when she blushed. ‘Come and meet Angela.’

Just as Mia had said, Angela was tiny, with flaming red hair, porcelain skin, light green eyes, and a baby bump.

She gave Lainey a big smile. ‘It’s
so
good to meet you. Mia’s told me all about you. I’m glad you’re coming tomorrow.’

They were having lunch at Malcolm’s house, a tradition before each tour for the boys, the band members and their families. Lainey was looking forward to it.

‘So, what did you think of the concert?’ asked Mia.

‘It was fantastic.’ She caught Nick’s eye and he winked. She hadn’t had the chance to tell him what she’d thought.

James came up and they chatted for a few minutes before Lainey looked at her watch. ‘I really need to go,’ she said with regret, ‘the others are waiting for me.’

Nick led her out into the corridor. It was busy with people coming and going and he pulled her into an alcove. ‘Did everyone enjoy themselves?’

Lainey relayed what Adam had said and he chuckled. ‘Tell him I’ll be practising my tennis whenever I get the chance. But what did you think, Lainey? Did you like it?’

Her heart melted at the touch of uncertainty in his voice. Here he was, star of stage and screen, and it mattered to him what
she
thought. She put her arms around his neck. ‘You were amazing, Nick. How could you not know I would think that?’

‘Yes, but I need to hear it from you or else it all means nothing.’

His mouth claimed hers and the rest of the world faded away – until someone noticed them.

‘Get a room!’

Nick broke away and made a face. ‘Like that’s going to happen.’

Lainey felt guilty, not sure if it was for how she was feeling or for what she was doing to Nick.

‘Come on,’ he said, ‘I’ll take you out to the foyer.’

She sighed. ‘Tomorrow’s our last day together for awhile.’

‘I know.’ He squeezed her fingers as they walked towards the main doors.

‘What do you usually do after a concert when you’re on tour?’

‘Go back to whatever hotel we’re at, have a shower then unwind with a couple of drinks. Nothing major. We’re a dull lot. No wonder that stupid magazine struggles to find something new to say about us and rehashes the old stuff.’

Mia had been right about what they would print next. Last month’s column had focussed on Simon. This month it had majored on Nate and the fact he’d been brought up in a number of foster homes and was on the verge of becoming a delinquent when he’d been discovered and picked for The Mavericks. Again, Nick told her, it was nothing new.

They climbed a short flight of stairs and stopped at the big double doors where a security man let them through. There were large numbers of people still milling around the foyer and they could just see Lara and the others waiting by the designated pillar.

‘I won’t come any further. I’ll pick you up at eleven tomorrow.’ Nick kissed her. ‘Hurry home and go to sleep so the morning comes quicker.’

That made her smile. Hannah used to say that when they were little.

She was almost with Lara when she turned around and looked back. Nick was still there. He put his hand over his heart like he had in the concert, blew her a kiss, then disappeared.

The gesture should have made her happy; instead, she felt a lurch of apprehension. After tomorrow she would have three weeks before she saw him again. Three weeks in which she would need to pray and work out what to do. She couldn’t avoid it any longer.

* * *

Malcolm’s house was a sprawling two storey place with well-kept grounds in an expensive, leafy suburb. A spit-roast company had set up in a marquee and everyone was enjoying good company and good food.

Nick was very happy to have Lainey there. She was much more at ease with everyone now, mingling easily with the whole entourage, not just sticking with James and Mia. Nick was proud of her.

The only black mark on the afternoon was a conversation he had with Malcolm. He had reservations about Lainey, concerned about her being a ‘religious fanatic’ and told him straight up he should make sure her beliefs didn’t hold him back in any way. Nick let Malcolm know he was annoyed at his attitude, but the conversation had reminded him of something he needed to talk about with Lainey.

Nick didn’t get an opportunity until much later. Mia and James asked them back for dinner and Lainey was reluctant. She wanted to go to church but he persuaded her to go with him. He was leaving the next day.

‘You didn’t mind missing church did you?’ he asked as he drove her home. ‘You can go as many times as you want over the next couple of Sundays. I won’t be around to distract you.’

‘Actually, I was annoyed with myself.’

It wasn’t the answer he’d expected. When he glanced at her, she was looking straight ahead, arms folded. Not a good sign.

‘I didn’t go this morning because I wanted to sleep in after the concert and I knew I was going at night. That was one of my rules, remember?’

‘Yeah, but it’s only the once.’

‘I compromised. If I did it once, I might find it easier to do it again.’

‘You’re beginning to sound like Roger.’

‘Sometimes Roger makes a lot of sense, Nick.’

‘I was joking.’
Partly.

She was silent.

‘Okay.’ He blew out a breath. They might as well do this now or else it would be another three weeks until they could. ‘Malcolm spoke to me this afternoon.’

‘Oh?’

‘You don’t like him a whole lot, do you?’

She shrugged. ‘I don’t really know him. It wouldn’t be fair to say.’

‘Well, it won’t help when I tell you this. He suggested I should be careful your religious beliefs don’t influence me in the wrong way.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘He thinks they might hold me back.’

She gave a half laugh. ‘He said that to me once too.’

‘He did? When?’

‘At your movie premiere. He made sure I knew exactly what he meant, that I shouldn’t make you become too ‘religious’ in case it interferes with your career.’

‘But that’s just silly.’

‘Exactly.’ Lainey’s voice held a wry note. ‘Anyhow, I reassured him I have your best interests at heart and he needn’t worry.’ She looked at him. ‘There’s more to Malcolm than meets the eye, Nick. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.’

‘That’s a strange thing to say.’ Nick felt himself becoming defensive. After all, Malcolm had looked after him for the last ten years.

‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

They pulled up outside her flat and sat there, neither of them making a move. Lainey fiddled with her shirt, her fingers pleating then smoothing the hem. Nick took off his seatbelt and turned to face her.

‘Hypothetically speaking, can you see us getting married one day?’

Lainey’s head shot up. ‘That’s a pretty lousy proposal, Nick.’

‘That’s because it’s hypothetical. I have a feeling you wouldn’t accept it anyway.’

‘Really? Why’s that?’ The pleating had increased but she wasn’t giving anything away, making him do all the talking. He didn’t mind. He wanted to tell her what he thought and give her time to think. She always needed time.

‘It’s to do with these ‘religious beliefs’ Malcolm is going on about. Hey, I’m not knocking them.’ He put a hand on her arm at her expression. ‘You’re who you are because of them and I love who you are.’

It was peculiar how he could sit here and discuss this so easily as if it wasn’t such a big deal when in reality it was enormous.

He continued. ‘You know I believe in God, but not the same way you do. I’ve asked Adam about him and Lara; they even pray together.’ He didn’t think he was telling her anything she didn’t already know. ‘I’m not like Adam, Lainey, and unfortunately, I don’t think it’s enough for you. You warned me about it on Valentine’s Day and I heard you, but I’d hoped that loving each other would take care of it.’

He sighed and took one of her hands. ‘Please don’t think I’m saying this because I’m looking for an excuse to break up with you. It’s the last thing I want but I’m starting to understand this is a real issue.’ He looked into her eyes. ‘Don’t say anything now. Think about it and let’s talk it over on the long weekend.’ He put her hand back in her lap and waited.

‘I love you, Nick,’ she said eventually, her voice soft. ‘Such a lot.’

‘I know.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘I didn’t really want to have this conversation.’

‘I was hoping we wouldn’t need to. It’s been on my mind more and more and I was going to bring it up anyhow.’ She looked at him, regret on her face. ‘But not tonight. You’re going away tomorrow.’

It occurred to him then she had been afraid of this all along, the reason why she’d been hesitant to resume their relationship. Looking at her now, all forlorn up against the door, he wished he’d kept his mouth shut.

‘Can’t you accept me the way I am?’ he asked. ‘Can’t it be enough?’

Again, he waited for her response.

Lainey threw off her seatbelt. ‘This is stupid. You’re the movie star, the famous singer and it drives me nuts that you’re the one asking me to accept you. I should be grateful you even talk to me, after what I did to you with Liam. It’s all wrong.’ She picked up her bag and flung open the door. ‘Ditch me, Nick. I keep telling you, I don’t deserve you. I’m just a school teacher who knows nothing about your world and will probably never fit in because of my beliefs. Malcolm’s right. I don’t belong.’ She jumped out, slammed the door and strode off down the path.

Nick whipped the keys out of the ignition and sprinted after her. ‘Lainey, get back here!’ He grabbed her arm and swung her around to face him. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Do you think you’ve got the right to end it like that, just give up? Not even think about fighting for what you want? I never took you for being a quitter.’

‘Don’t you dare call me that!’

‘Well, let’s fight it out then, but not where the neighbours can have a free show. It might be dark but we’re not being very quiet.’

He was right behind her as she stalked inside. Brian and Kate were in the kitchen, Lara, Adam, Sarah and Hamish occupied the lounge room. Lainey’s bedroom was out of the question. There was one place left.

Curious eyes watched as he dragged her into the bathroom and closed the door.

Lainey sat on the toilet lid looking mutinous. Nick couldn’t help smiling.

‘Stop it,’ she said. ‘You’re supposed to be mad at me.’

‘You should see yourself. You look like a naughty little girl.’

‘We’re supposed to be having an argument so let’s have it.’

‘If you promise we can kiss and make up afterwards.’

‘I’m not going to kiss you in my bathroom. It’s wrong.’

‘Don’t be silly.’ Nick went to pull her up but before he could, she turned and flushed the toilet.

‘What did you do that for?’ He stared at her in astonishment.