All for Allie (7 page)

Even though my breathing remains erratic, the lightheadedness has ceased. Maybe the drive to the market will clear my mind, for a few moments anyway. This entire time, I’ve only been worried about how my leaving will affect Allie. Not once did I think about how my being away would affect Lucille. Shit. Just, motherfucking shit! I’ve fucked up, royally. My life is over.

My mother is missing. I’m turning my back on the love of my life
and the woman I consider my mother. What was I thinking? They’ll never forgive me. How could they?

I climb into my Jeep and slam the door shut. And as I think about how fast tomorrow is approaching, I bang my fist against my steering wheel, hitting it like it’s a punching bag. “
FUCK!” I scream out, slamming my head onto the steering wheel.

My door flings open as I debate on knocking myself the hell out. “What the fuck? Wyatt, chill out,” Kyle demands.

I look at him in disgust. “Chill out? Are you fucking kidding me! How? My life as I know it is over! I’m leaving behind my very reason for living, and you want me to chill out? Fuck you, man!” I spit. He’s lost nothing. I’m the one who has sacrificed my future, not him. I literally have no one, just myself. And I am nothing without Allie.

“Hey, man. You did this yourself. I did not need you to follow behind me, but you made the decision on your own. Deal with it!” he seethes.

Fuck no, no!

“You do not get to stand here and play the blame game. You would get yourself killed without me, and you fucking know it. I wanted to tell her, dammit! I needed to tell her.” I hold back a sob, refusing to let it out.

“It’s too late. Plus, we’ve already discussed why you can’t tell her. Do we really need to have this conversation again? She won’t live her life, Wyatt. Fuck, just let her live.”

Why can’t he get it through his thick-ass head that I don’t want her to live without me? “What? Am I not worth worrying over, huh? What makes you any better than me?” I ask, seriously. He better have one hell of an explanation, or he’s going to experience my wrath. And as angry as I am, he doesn’t want that.

“I’m her brother, Wyatt. I’m irreplaceable,” he explains, beating his chest with his hand. “You,” he motions his hand to me, “you’re her boyfriend. You’re replaceable,” he continues.

I sit silently and let his words soak in. And as much as it hurts, it’s true. I am replaceable. Any man would love to have Allie as his. I’m one of many. Mothers and fathers, you only get one of them. Normally, a person goes through a mate just as fast as they wear underwear. “I’m sorry, man. But it’s the truth,” he shrugs.

I don’t respond to him. I reach out and shove his chest, knocking him away from my Jeep. I slam the door and bring the engine to life. I’m going to get his fucking sherbet, and then coming back and spending every second I have left with Allie.

Nine

My Best and Worst Night

ONCE I RETURNED
home from getting the sherbet for Kyle’s punch, the day went by ridiculously fast. Although I had plans on spending every moment with my butterfly, I faded into the background and let her spend some quality time with Kyle. I know how much she’s going to miss him, and they need their time together as well. It’s early in the evening, just past seven, and the last of our friends are heading home. Lucille and my butterfly are in the kitchen cleaning up the mess everyone else left behind. Once everyone’s gone, Kyle walks past me and nudges my arm. “Come on, man. We need to talk some more.” I follow him up to his room.

“Listen, I’m really sorry if I sounded harsh earlier today. Truly, I am,” he apologizes. I nod my head back and roll my eyes. “Don’t do that, I am. I didn’t mean to be insensitive. It’s not easy for me to leave them behind either. And for me to say that I’m replaceable and you’re not
,
was fucked up. I know how much you love her,” he admits. Actually, he doesn’t. I’m not sure there’s a single person on this Earth who could love someone as much as I love Allie.

“It’s cool, bro. I’m over it,” I lie. “I’m having a hard time because I have no one. She’s the only person who loves me; the only one who gives a shit if I live or die. I’m never going to see her again.” I hang my head as bile rises into my throat. The closer it comes to time for us to depart, the sicker I’m becoming.

“Not true, dude. I care what happens to you; you’re my brother. Mom cares for you too. You know that. Hell, think about all the times she’s taken your side over mine. For a year or two, I believed she thought you walked on water,” he laughs. I smile, because it’s true. In Lucille’s eyes, I was her golden child.

“Trust me, this is what’s best for Allie. She’s going to hurt, for a long time, I’m sure. But she’ll get over losing you, eventually. Once we come back home, feel free to steal her back from whomever she’s dating. I can guarantee you that no one is good enough for her, besides you. And shit, I can’t stand you half the time,” he says, walking to open his door. “Now, let’s go down and spend the rest of our time with the ladies,” he urges. I didn’t need his permission, but I plan on fighting for my butterfly. If I make it back and she’s committed her heart to someone else, I’ll fight for her until she’s mine again. I will never give up, ever.

We lounge around in the living room with the television off and cell phones on silent. We spend the night joking around, but we have some serious moments. We tried to make Allie agree to listen to what Kyle will be going through, and where he’ll be stationed, but she still refuses to give in. After twenty minutes of her telling us to shut the hell up, we gave in. I can understand why she doesn’t want to be informed; the less she knows the better. I’ve experienced this first hand. Once you know where your loved one is, you stalk CBN news throughout most of your days. But she at least needs to know where he’ll be while he’s here in North Carolina.

It’s rounding eleven and everyone is ready for bed, kind of. No one really wants to sleep, but we head out at four in the morning. Kyle and Lucille embrace each other tightly. “Night, baby. I love you with everything that’s within me.” Lucille reaches up to place a kiss on Kyle’s cheek. “I can’t believe tonight’s the last night I
have with you,” she whispers, tears falling down her face.

“Mom, please don’t cry. I’m going to be okay. We’ll be home before you know it,” Kyle assures, hugging her tighter.

Lucille pushes him back a little. “We’ll?” she questions, catching on to Kyle’s wording.

“What?” he asks confused.

“You said ‘we’ll be home before you know it’
, ;
who else is going with you?” He looks to me, hoping that I’ll jump in and help him out. Hell no, you’re on your own. “I meant me and the other soldiers. We’re a team, ya know. So yeah, we’ll be home soon,” he lies.

“Oh yeah, makes sense,” Lucille replies, relief in her voice.

She kisses Kyle one last time before making her way to her room. I look over to Allie; she’s sitting on the couch with her knees to her chest, tears soaking the knees of her jeans. My heart breaks as I see her hurt. Kyle looks to me before he goes to her. I take a seat in the recliner as he kneels down in front of her. “Hey now, none of that.” He speaks to her like she’s a child. She raises her head and looks to him; her cheeks are red and tear stained. As soon as their eyes connect, Allie drops her feet to the floor, and jumps into Kyle’s arms.

She wraps her arms around his neck and squeezes for dear life. “Please, don’t leave me. Please, Kyle. Don’t—don’t go,” she sobs.

“I can’t not go, Al. I’ve made a commitment; a commitment I can’t break,” he explains. Her head rests into the side of his neck as she bawls. She’s crying so hard she can hardly breathe.

“Promise me you’ll come back. Promise you won’t—you won’t die on me,” she begs between sobs.

“I promise,” Kyle chokes. This is the first time I’ve seen Kyle choked up. Sure, he was upset when Phil died, but he didn’t shed a tear. Maybe because he felt he had to be strong for his mother and sister, but he didn’t shed one. And if he did, none of us saw it.

“I promise that no matter what comes my way, I’ll push through. I promise, Al. Nothing but death
,
could keep me away from you, okay?” He pulls her back so he can see her as he speaks.

Allies nods as Kyle wipes away her tears. “I’m going to miss you, so much.”

Kyle pulls her back into a tight embrace “I know, but I’ll be back. Whenever you’re missing me, look up into the sky, and remember I’m under the same one as you. Just like living under the same roof, right?” he jokes, attempting to put a smile on her face.

It doesn’t work. But it does bring a piece of her feistiness to surface. “That’s bullshit. It’s nowhere near the same thing, but I’ll try to think of it that way,” she says, heaving between words. Her tears have slowed, but it’s going to take a bit for her to regain her composure.

“And when you see a shooting star, because I know you search for them and all, wish me protection, okay?”

She smiles up to her brother. “You know I will.”

They hold each other for a few moments before separating for bed. Kyle waltzes past me and slaps me on the back. “Go ahead and kiss your girl. See ya at base tomorrow,” he whispers so only he and I can hear. I nod in confirmation. We’ve decided that I’ll head out two hours before them so no one will know where I’m going, except for me and him.

Once Kyle is upstairs and I hear his door shut, I go to butterfly. Tears still fill her eyes, but they don’t escape. “Wyatt?” she asks.

“Yeah, baby?” I reply, closing the gap between us.

She looks up to me, and the sadness in her eyes rips me in two. “Hold me, please?” Oh God, she doesn’t have to beg. I pick her up and set us on the couch, placing her in my lap. She curls into me, and I hold her tightly.

“Wanna talk about it?” I ask.

“No. I just want you to hold me. Okay?”

I kiss the top of her head “Of course, baby. I’ll hold you.” And I do. I hold her to me until she cries herself to sleep in my arms.

As much as I don’t want to let her go, I have to piss like something fierce. I pick her up and carry her up to her bed. Once I lay her onto the bed, I go across the hall to release the pressure that’s built up in my bladder. I unzip my jeans and let it loose, and I swear, I piss for maybe two minutes. I unbutton my jeans and push them to the floor. I brush my teeth and head back to Allie’s room. As I make my away across the dark room, I see the bed is empty.

I walk out into the hallway and see a dim light shining downstairs. I toss my clothes to the floor and head down to where I believe Allie is. As I’m walking down the stairs, I hear a slam and the sound of jars rattling, which means that she’s in the kitchen. Once I get down to the foyer, it’s black downstairs. I tiptoe across the living room and halt before entering the kitchen. I don’t hear Allie, but I see her shadow from the moonlight shining through the window.

“Butterfly?” I call quietly. She doesn’t respond, so I slowly walk towards her. The closer I get, the better I can see her. Suddenly, the light from the moon becomes brighter and I see her eyes glisten, highlighting her tears. I run to her and take her face between my hands. “Butterfly, what’s wrong?” I ask, using my hands to dry her face.

She warps her arms around me and crashes her face into my chest. “Nothing, I’m fine,” she lies. Something’s wrong, most people’s cheeks aren’t raw from wet tears. I place two fingers beneath her chin and lift her face up.

“Yeah? So you always come in to the kitchen late at night and cry?” I question sarcastically. She doesn’t answer.

I place my hands on either side of her hips and pick her up to place her onto the counter. “Tell me what’s on your mind, Allie. You can’t fool me, baby. I see right through those
,
big beautiful brown eyes,” I say, drying the rest of her face with my undershirt.

“I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m scared...” she explains.

I pull her to the edge of the counter. “Hurt, angry, scared—got it, but why?” I ask, but I already know why.

She looks up to the ceiling. “Kyle leaving tomorrow, obviously. Why does he have to choose this career? The most dangerous career of all? I mean, it’s not like he’s relocating to a
different state for work; he’s going overseas,” she expresses, her words breaking as she fights back more tears.

I want to take away her pain. I need to numb our pain. So I’ll do it the only way I know how. I lift her legs and urge them around my waist. “Let me make it go away. Let me help you forget...will you let me, butterfly?” I whisper.

Fat tears finally escape her lids as she nods. “Yes, make it go away, please....just please, help me forget.”

I pick her up and carry her through the house, up into her bedroom. Once we’re inside the room, I kick the door closed and press her against it. I use my hips to hold her up as my hands explore her every curve and my mouth tastes each inch of skin within its path.

She’s wearing a thin shirt. I’m horny, impatient, and slowly forgetting; I rip it down the middle and slide it down her arms. I use the tip of my tongue to kiss her from her breasts, along her neck, and end at her lips. “Allie, tell me what you want,” I command. I need to know that she’s ready, finally.

She rubs her hands through my hair. “Make love to me, Wyatt. Have your way with me...any way you want,” she replies, kissing the corners of my mouth.

Damn, I’ve waited a long time to hear her say those words. I’m honored she’s giving herself to me. I’m not sure if it’s even possible to love her any more than I already do, but her words warm my heart and cause my eyes to water. And I know I should stop, but I can’t. She’ll hate me tomorrow, but she’ll love me now.

I take her face between my hands, and trace her cheekbone with my thumb. “You’re sure?” I ask, searching her eyes for the slightest signal of doubt, but there isn’t any.

She nods twice. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life,” she announces.

That’s all the confirmation I need. I pick her up under her thighs and carry her over to the bed. Once I lay her down, I pull my undershirt over my head and toss it to the floor. I push my shorts down and trace every inch of her beautiful body with my eyes. I climb onto the bed and urge her legs open. “May I?” I ask, tugging on her thin lace panties. She bites her lip as her eyes travel down my body and rest on my erection, and then she nods. It’s the hottest movement in the world: her acceptance. I slide my finger inside the top of her panties and glide them down her leg, and then I toss them to the floor with the rest of our scattered clothes.

I rest on my knees and examine her once more. “God, Allie, you’re pulchritudinous.” She looks up to me and smiles. She loves when I use my expanded vocabulary on her. She thinks my nerd-like qualities are sexy, so she says. I hover my completely naked body over hers, resting my head against hers. “Ready?” I ask, kissing her head.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” she nods. My eyes search her face, and for the first time ever
,;
there isn’t any doubt behind her eyes. I know she’s ready. I decide to take my time with her, kissing every bit of her. Licking and sucking her breasts, sucking the apex of her thigh. I tease her pussy, rubbing my hand up and down her glistening lips.

She’s ready for me; her pussy is dripping. “So wet, so ready...so mine.” I prime her as I speak to her, sliding one of my fingers inside of her wet heat. She gasps and my heart skips a beat. “You okay, baby?” I ask nervously.

“Yes,” she answers breathlessly. I lay my body on top of hers. My finger remains inside of her, while I tenderly massage her breast, and my tongue invades her mouth.

I’m going to insert another finger, and she’s tight. I want this to be pleasurable to her, not painful. “Inhale, now,” I instruct. She follows my instructions, and as she inhales, I insert another finger.

“Uhh,”she whimpers as I glide my fingers in and out of her. “Let me know if it’s too much,” I say, bringing my mouth down to capture her hard nipple. I take her nipple between my teeth and swirl my tongue around it.

“Wyatt, please, I need you inside,” she pleads. Motherfucker! A fucking tear rolls down my cheek. Not because I’m a pussy, but because I’m making love to her and leaving her. However, we’ve gone too far to stop now. There’s no way I can stop now. I want this too much.