All In (Cedar Mountain University #2) (7 page)

The morning of my date with Jacob, the real one that I fumbled
through agreeing to, I wake up with tears drying on my face. I’ve always been a
vivid dreamer. My mother always told me it was because I was so passionate
about everything, even when I was sleeping.

I had dreamed about Grant pretty much every night since he had
broken up with me.

The dream always started the same way. It was the last time that
Grant and I had been together before the end. We’d stayed in since Grant had
complained he had a headache. I’d teased him about using a girl excuse to get
out of our plans. But I hadn’t minded staying home with him.

I’d hit the local Redbox for a movie, popped popcorn, and we had
curled up in my bed together. It was
The
Amazing Spiderman
, a movie that I loved and Grant tolerated for my sake.

We’re happy. We’re in love.

Everything was perfect and right in the world.

Then halfway through the dream it’s no longer me lying on my bed
with him.

The girl on the bed is some faceless female body that is everything
that I’m not. Tall, rail thin, big boobs, a nice ass. She’s like a freaking
Barbie lying there with Grant in my bed, in my spot in his arms, and I’m forced
to watch them.

I’m forced to watch him kiss her and touch her in ways that are
familiar to me. I can’t turn away as he kisses her once, twice, three times,
and then he pulls back and just as he leans down to whisper in her ear his eyes
lock with mine, and I hear him tell her, ‘I love you.’ And then he smiles. I
can tell by the look on his face that he wants me to hear him. He knows that I
am there.
H
e wants to watch my reaction.

Because he knows that I am there. And he enjoys the pain that slips
through me.

In my dream, I can’t leave the room. I’ve tried. Every time I walk
out my bedroom door, or into the bathroom, I’m suddenly standing right back in
my bedroom. Watching the scene as if it is on repeat.

There are so many things wrong with this dream I can’t even list
them all, and every time I have it I wake up with tears on my face and the same
suffocating pain in my chest that I felt the first few days after the break up.

And waking up on this morning with the pain and tears I can’t help
but wonder why in the hell I agreed to go on this date with Jacob. Because it
doesn’t matter how much I will it to be so, my heart isn’t whole. I feel like
I’m using him.

Again.

Groaning, I wipe the remaining tears off my cheek and roll out of
bed. Delaney has music playing in her room, which means that Cole is here. And
the reason for the music playing makes me slightly sick to my stomach. The
music is like our own little version of the sock on the door, because the walls
in this place are pretty thin, and sounds carry like they’re rolling through a
loud speaker.

I try to push the thought of the two of them and what they’re doing
out of my head as I move through my morning routine, getting ready for what I
have determined is going to be an incredibly lazy Saturday. At least until it’s
time to get ready for my date.

If I don’t cancel.

Stepping out
of the shower, t
he steam is like a thick
cloud in the bathroom. I wrap a towel around my body before I reach over and
wipe my hand along the mirror, shoving condensation aside so I can see my
reflection.

Thanks to the shower there is no evidence of the tears I’d cried
overnight. But I know they’re there, locked away inside of me, and they’ll come
again. It seems they always come again. Even though I don’t want them to.
Especially because I don’t want them to.

It’s going to get better one day. Right? Because I’m not sure how
much longer I can take this moping, lifeless version of myself. I think four
months is long enough.

“Suck it up, Grace.” I tell my reflection. “It’s time to get your
shit together.”

By the time I’m dressed and heading out of the bedroom the music in
the apartment has stopped. I can hear someone fumbling around in the kitchen,
so I head in that direction to find Cole making coffee. He glances up with a
smile on his face when I walk into the room.

“Good morning, Gracie Lou.”

Making a face I move past him to get a coffee cup out of the
cabinet. “You seriously need to stop calling me that. I’m not five anymore.” I
pour myself a cup of coffee, dropping way more sugar and milk in the cup then I
probably should.

“But you’ll always be my baby sister.” He’s ruffling my hair and I
can’t help but laugh as I try and smack his hands away. “I think you’re the one
that is five.” I mutter, shuffling back out of his reach. “Where’s Delaney? I
want to go get pancakes.”

“She should be out in a minute.”

I take a sip of my coffee as I maneuver around the kitchen counter,
sliding onto one of the low stools we’d placed there. I lean my elbows on the
counter, watching as Cole moves around the kitchen as he makes his own cup.

“How’s she doing?”

Cole leans back against the counter directly opposite of where I’m
sitting. He takes a small sip of his coffee. “With what?”

“Next month is coming up fast. Have you talked to her about it?”

“I’ve tried. She changes the subject. Or leaves the room.”

I wrap my hands around my cup of coffee, letting the warmth seep
into my suddenly cold hands. “You’ve told her she’s not going to be alone this
year though, right?”

“Again, I’ve tried. I can’t push her, Grace, she’ll shut me out
entirely.”

“She needs to talk to someone.”

“I know.” He looks pained.
          

“I mean someone professional. Not you or me.”

“I
know
that, Grace.
Jesus.”

I take another drink of my coffee as I continue to watch him. Last
year I’d watched him fall apart after things with Delaney had abruptly ended.
Cole had had his heart broken before, his last serious girlfriend had cheated
on him the moment he had left for college, but he’d completely shut down with
Delaney.

When none of us had been able to get ahold of her for a couple of
days, he’d raced out of the house and driven the three hours back to campus to
make sure she was all right.

He never really talked about what happened while he was there. But
he hadn’t come home the same. He had shut all of us out, and though I wasn’t
disillusioned enough to believe my brother had never been drunk before, it was
the first time that I could recall seeing him that way. And staying that way
for several days running.

Every second that I watched him suffer had fueled an anger towards
Delaney. By the time I made it back to campus after Thanksgiving break, the fury
had settled so deep inside of me that I couldn’t see beyond it.

There had been signs that she was hiding something. Comments she
had made that
caused
me to wonder what had
happened in her past that had made her the way she was. But the one time I had
asked she had told me nothing had happened, and even though I wanted to, I
hadn’t pushed.

After she moved out I Googled her name.

I hadn’t been even remotely close to prepared for what I had found.

I can remember the nausea rolling inside of my stomach when I had clicked
on the first link and was immediately taken to a full
-
page picture of a much younger Delaney lying in a dumpster covered
in blood and bruises. The article that had followed detailed three days of pure
hell that now I understood Delaney would never be able to escape.

Then I had reacted like a pansy ass and in some misguided attempt
to not hurt my brother even more, I had kept the knowledge of Delaney and her
past to myself. Okay, mostly to myself. I had told Grant and Robby and swore
them both to secrecy.

T
o make the entire situation even worse I’d talked myself into being
pissed at her for not thinking she could tell me the truth.

Thus, the reason I won the suckiest best friend of the year,
perhaps even the century, award. And Delaney hadn’t held a bit of it against me
when I had offered her a lame ass apology several weeks after she and Cole had
gotten back together and the truth had come out.

“So what are we going to do?” I finally ask him.

“This morning we’re going to go get pancakes, and I’m going to give
her one more day of normal. We’ll deal with the rest later.”

I keep watching him for a moment longer before saying, “You’re a
pretty good guy, Cole.”

“You don’t have to look so surprised.” He says on a laugh.

Delaney swings into the room. “What’s surprising?”

“Cole has agreed to buy us breakfast.”

Cole chokes on his next sip of coffee as Delaney says, “Really?”

“Yes,” Cole shoots me a wicked glare. “But only because Grace
agreed to personally call and invite Holden and Ally to join us.”

“Bastard.” I mutter, but I reach over and grab my phone off the
charger on the counter and shoot a quick text to Holden. It takes just seconds
for him to answer, and within twenty minutes I’m sitting across from Holden,
waiting on Ally to arrive after the end of her shift so we can order.

Everyone is getting along just fine, even though I catch both
Holden and Cole cutting sentences in half with a grimace because they don’t
want to mention Grant’s name in front of me. I don’t tell them to stop, because
honestly I don’t want to hear stories about him.

Ally slides into the booth next to Holden, giving him a smacking
kiss on his cheek. She’s still in her scrubs and carries the faintest scent of
antiseptic with her as she move past me. Before she can even open her mouth I
glare at her. “No war stories.” I say firmly. “I plan to enjoy these pancakes
and I can’t do that if you start talking about what gross and disgusting things
you did at work last night.”

Ally shoots me a quick grin. “Fine. But you’re taking away all my
fun.”

“You’ll survive.” I say dryly before taking a drink of my water.

Raising
an
eyebrow she says, “Okay
then. No work war stories.” She gives me a wicked smile. “So tell me about
Jacob.”

I squint my eyes at her in a glare. “You are such a bitch.” I
mutter, taking another drink to keep from having to answer her. Holden actually
stiffens in the booth next to her. Like visibly stiffened.
 
And Cole is having a hard time not laughing.

“What?” She says in all innocence. “Is this something else we
shouldn’t talk about? I just want to know what’s going on between the two of
you.”

“Bitch, bitch, bitch.” I growl at her. “Jacob and I are just
friends.”

“That’s not what I heard.” Ally says with a singsong voice.

“Well you heard wrong.”

Holden leans forward. “It’s what everyone has heard, Grace.”

I shift my gaze to him with a glare. “Well everyone heard wrong,
Holden.” I snap.

“You looked pretty cozy the other night. Are you sure they’re
wrong?”

“Yes.” I snap again, turning my head to Ally. “I’m sure they’re
wrong. Jacob and I are not now, nor have we ever, fucked.”

I hear Cole make a choking sound deep in his throat. “Jesus,
Grace.”

“What?” I turn my glare on him. “That’s what he’s insinuating.” I
turn back to Holden. “Is that what you want to hear, Holden? That I haven’t
slept with Jacob. Because I haven’t.” I cross my arms over my chest, leaning
back in the booth. “But the day is young and I do have a date with him
tonight.” Shoving at Cole who is sitting next to me in the booth I tell him,
“Move. Move, Cole. I’m not going to sit here and get the third degree because
you choose to believe the entire damn campus over your own sister.”

“Calm down, Grace, nobody’s saying we don’t believe you.”

“Just that you don’t trust me to make good decisions.” Cole is
unmovable and I slam back against the booth with a muttered curse after shoving
against his shoulder to no avail. The waitress comes back to drop off our
breakfast and the entire table sits in a tense silence while she doles out
plates. I cross my arms over my chest, no doubt looking like an insolent child
as I glare across the table. Holden has me so pissed I’m not even hungry any
more.

Dammit. What a waste of pancakes.

“You need to trust me to make my own decisions.” I say the second
the waitress walks away. “I’m not six anymore, Holden.” I turn back to Cole.
“Can I please get out for a moment? I need some air.”

“Grace,” Holden says with a sigh. “Sit down and stop being a baby.”

I stab my pancakes with my fork since obviously I’m not getting out
of this stupid booth anytime soon. “Seriously?” I snap. “You’re all pissy
because I’m moving on after I got dumped and
I’m
the one acting like a baby.” With jerky movements I use my
knife to cut my pancake into small pieces. “Maybe you missed the memo, but
Grant dumped me. Not the other way around. You don’t get to be mad at me. I
haven’t done anything wrong.”