All My Life (10 page)
I respected Ruth from the first moment we met. I looked at her with great admiration because she appeared to have a very full life. She somehow balanced her obligations on All My Children with other endeavors, whether outside projects, charity events, social gatherings, or her family life. She inspired me because I knew what I wanted to do with my own life and here was Ruth, someone who was actually doing it all.
Ruth came to the set in the morning looking a lot like Katharine Hepburn. She wore no makeup, a jaunty newsboy cap, sneakers, and kind of slouchy pants. She looked supercool. She would rehearse, do the show, and dash out of the studio to catch a plane at least once a week to go wherever she had to be next, whether Los Angeles, Chicago, or Denver. Somehow she’d be back in the studio the next morning without missing a beat. She was always glamorous, even when she was dressed down.
Ruth was also quite the practical jokester. You never knew what she would come up with next, but you always knew it would be memorable. There was one absolutely unforgettable day in the 1970s that became a legend on the set for years to come. We used to get our notes from the director as a company. Notes are essentially professional criticism to help get the scene right when we went from rehearsal to tape. These sessions were referred to as “Red Chairs” because the crew would set up a slew of red director’s chairs in the middle of the studio floor so everyone could meet and get their notes. Basically, we’d all assemble to be told how bad we were.
One day, at the end of dress rehearsal, Ruth was in one of the final scenes, which called for her to wear a long mink coat. When she finished rehearsal she sauntered over to a nearby set flanked by two cameramen, who were, oddly, wearing long jackets, too. All of a sudden Ruth and the cameramen dropped their coats and streaked…naked past us. That was Ruth! She was funny and elegant all bundled together.
I continued my education in acting during the first several years I was on All My Children. I had the privilege of studying with Harold Clurman, who has been heralded as “the Elder Statesman of the American Theater.” He embodied the passion, the fervor, the inspiring voice of an entire generation. Harold Clurman was the cofounder of the famed Group Theatre along with Lee Strasberg and Cheryl Crawford. The Group Theatre of the 1930s was considered by many to be the most significant ensemble art theater in the history of American theater. It revolutionized not only the American theater but every facet of American acting, too. I took his midnight classes, which were well known and difficult to get into. They were primarily for actors who were working on Broadway. When the curtain came down at ten or eleven o’clock at night, those actors often dashed to Harold Clurman’s midnight classes so they could continue developing and practicing their skills. Just being seen there was spectacular. Mr. Clurman would hold us spellbound as he told stories of all he had done throughout his marvelous career. It’s not easy to hold the attention of a roomful of actors, especially after midnight, but Mr. Clurman could do it with ease. I think that says a lot about the man and the respect we all shared for his talent. The fact that I had studied with so many terrifically talented professors at Marymount opened a lot of doors for me, but it especially helped when it came to getting the audition for Mr. Clurman. My education separated me from the other new kids on the block and kept me from being perceived as just another hopeful wannabe with some talent. It was clear that I had credentials as an actress. All these factors gave me a definite leg up. I was very lucky to have the training and the opportunity to keep perfecting my craft after college and while I worked on All My Children. I continue to use the skills I learned in these early days all the time.
Adhering to the advice I received from Mr. Weyand about staying grounded in humanity, I kept things simple during those first years of working at All My Children. Helmut and I were living in an apartment in Forest Hills. I went to work in the morning with three dollars; I took the bus to work for one dollar, ate a yogurt for lunch, and returned home on the bus for another dollar, which still left me with change in my pocket. After we moved to Garden City, I continued taking the train and subway to work for the next ten years. Although I had never had any kind of incident using public transportation for all of those years, apparently there was a study released by the Metropolitan Transportation Association that rated the subway line I traveled as the most dangerous in New York City. I always dressed down on the train, wearing jeans and sweaters as my main staple. One day, some kids I often saw on the same train recognized me from the show. They came over to talk to me.
“You’ve got to get out of here,” one of the kids said to me. I didn’t understand what he was really saying.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“We know who you are. We love Erica Kane. You look like a grown-up teenager. But you can’t ride the train anymore. You’ll get hurt.” I thought it was very sweet that they were so concerned for my safety.
“I haven’t had any problems. I am sure it’ll be okay.” I was trying to reassure them that I was fine.
“It’s time. You can’t keep taking the train.” It was the early eighties. Things were happening in New York City that have since been cleaned up. I liked taking the train and enjoyed the people-watching, so I didn’t stop.
A few weeks later, I bumped into that same group of kids again.
“We’re really afraid for you. You’ve got to get out of here, okay?” For whatever reason, this time I was more convinced by their warning, so I stopped taking the train to work. I took cabs when I could, but eventually my schedule got to be so unpredictable that even that no longer worked. In all my years on the show, though, I have done my best to remain humble in my approach to work and life because I didn’t want to find myself in that isolated bubble Mr. Weyand spoke of. I never wanted to lose touch with the small things in life that most of us take for granted along the way.
I made up my mind very early in my career to avoid the trappings of the business that were inviting for so many, yet scary to me. I didn’t want to get labeled a prima donna or diva. Unfortunately, those two titles seem to come with the territory when you convincingly play both five days a week on TV. When those two words were first used in reference to me, I thought to myself, I don’t have temper tantrums. I’m not demanding. I certainly don’t act like I’m entitled. I couldn’t understand where those blanket titles were coming from. It took me a while to figure out it really had nothing to do with me at all. Fortunately, diva has taken on a slightly different meaning than it used to have, and I can only say thank God for that. Today I think the word is more synonymous with glamour girl than it is with bitch. And that, I can live with.
Being Erica Kane
A year and a half after All My Children made its debut in January 1970, TV Guide did a feature story on the character of Erica Kane and me. This was the first time a daytime actress was featured in the publication. That story was the very beginning of the unexpected social acceptance my character would continue to receive for more than four decades. Once Erica took off, fans of all ages wanted to know more about her. In the early days of the show, my mother frequently received phone calls from young girls and women pretending they went to school with me or knew me from somewhere. Once they engaged her in conversation, they’d begin asking all sorts of questions about how her “daughter” gets away with everything.
“I tried that on my boyfriend, and it didn’t work,” they’d say. “What did I do wrong?”
“My husband wants to leave me. What should I do to keep him?”
The calls and questions were constant. Unfortunately, my mother didn’t write for the show, so she had no idea how to answer the callers. It got so bad that we eventually had to change her phone number and remove her name from the local listings. People often ask if I am similar to Erica as a person. Although we do have some common traits, the one thing we really share is our love of fashion, especially our taste in clothes and shoes. The biggest difference between us, though, is that what I would choose to wear to a cocktail party, Erica wears to go to Starbucks for her morning cup of coffee, to catch a plane, or to give her child a bath.
Playing Erica Kane is fun—and I mean lots of fun. She is the ultimate fantasy girl living the ultimate fantasy life. I have met so many young girls and women named Erica, who, yes, were given their names by mothers who wanted their daughters to be just like my character. In fact, I met one woman in Boston who told me that her daughters were named “Erica Kane” and “Susan Lucci”! As flattering as that may be, I must admit that I thought it might be a little difficult for the girls as they grow up…just a bit.
What has always made Erica so much fun for viewers is that you never know what she is going to do next, but you can guarantee there will be a man involved. Her whole existence is based on collecting men and searching for the love she never got after her father abandoned her and Mona. It is for these reasons that she became the kind of woman she is—a woman who absolutely needs a man in her life.
I’d like to think there’s a little bit of Erica in most everyone. It may depend on what day of the week it is or how much sleep you got—or didn’t get—how determined you are or whether there’s a full moon, but I think everybody is capable of being like Erica. Of course, not everyone will be lucky enough to avoid paying the consequences that are clearly missing from the pages of my scripts (except for an occasional trip to prison or a short coma in Pine Valley Hospital).
None of us actors ever wanted to be in a life-or-death situation while Ray MacDonnell, who played Dr. Joe Martin, was chief of staff. It could have cost us our jobs! We all used to joke that the good Dr. Joe was really Dr. Death because no one ever survived under his watchful eye.
Erica is the girl every girl wishes she could be. She is passionate, tempestuous, and drives men wild. She gets away with saying and doing things that other women only wish they could say and do. Men want to either kiss her or kill her. Or both.
What makes Erica Kane such a one-of-a-kind character is that she is the result of a truly collaborative effort between Agnes Nixon and, as she so generously says, me. Agnes has told me many times over the years that Erica is as much mine as she is hers, but I must confess that I’ve always thought that Erica and I were extremely lucky to have been put in Agnes’s very fine and caring hands from the very beginning. Day after day, what I see on the page takes my breath away. Agnes once described Erica’s spirit as a phoenix rising from the ashes. She cannot be kept down for very long. With Agnes’s writing and a tremendous amount of trust and camaraderie among the cast, I am able to continuously take risks as an actress and really spread my wings and fly. After forty-one years, that’s a gift.
Playing Erica Kane has been a joy from the very start. She was so fresh and exciting, especially for the times. Everyone was taking notice—from the press to seasoned television executives. Shortly after I started on All My Children, I attended a network Christmas party where I was introduced to Fred Pierce, the president of ABC Television at the time. Fred was a television legend for his part in helping build the success of the ABC network. He introduced me to the gentleman standing next to him, who happened to be Fred Silverman, the head of ABC Entertainment. Fred Silverman was highly respected in the industry for his ability to turn shows into franchises by taking a hit program and spinning it off into others. Some of his shows were Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Mary Tyler Moore, and All in the Family, just to name a few. We chatted for a few minutes when Fred Pierce very graciously turned to me and said, “I think there should be an Erica Kane on every show. She is an amazing character!” Those were kind words, to say the least. And it turns out, they were visionary in a way, too, because Erica Kane was the first of “the most beloved and despised” women on television, the kind that you just love to hate. She was the model upon which so many great characters would later be based.
History has shown that great writing and creativity underlies the progression and evolution of our culture. Someone always paves the way for other greats. Agnes Nixon credits Shakespeare for writing everything there was to write. Without Madonna, could there really be a Lady Gaga? And without the Brat Pack, would the kids from Jersey Shore or Laguna Beach have been, well, just kids?
Agnes gave me the tools needed to turn Erica Kane into a full-blown diva—one whom I am very proud to be a part of creating and shaping. A diva that perhaps inspires others to follow. In 1981, ABC aired a new evening soap drama called Dynasty. At the beginning of its second season, the producers of that show introduced a character named Alexis Carrington, played by the wonderfully talented and beautiful Joan Collins. When the Alexis character took the show by storm, many people drew comparisons between her and Erica. And while they were both larger-than-life divas who loved men and who lacked certain scruples, there was one significant difference between them: Alexis was driven by a lust for power, whereas Erica has always been driven by her desire for love.
People often ask what I think made and has kept Erica and the show so appealing all of these years. For me, the answer is simple. Agnes Nixon’s daytime dramas are interesting, real, thought provoking, inspiring, and original in so many ways. She is one of the only writers in the forum who successfully blended reality with scripted drama. Her well-thought-out and highly developed characters represent people we know, work with, want to be like, or love to hate. Agnes has always done her homework and has great humanity herself. She draws her characters with dignity and complexity, and keeps the storytelling character driven. Her writing is never preachy; it is simply portrayed. By writing this way, she gives her audience the opportunity to connect with the characters—and her diverse point of view—and encourages them to sort out their feelings about the various stories for themselves.
I remember coming home from classes at Marymount and watching episodes of One Life to Live. There was a powerful story line at the time, which dealt with drug addiction. Throughout those episodes, there was information scrolling across the bottom of the screen about how to contact the Odyssey House hotline if you needed a place to go for help. I had never seen anything like this on television; it blended reality with fantasy. I thought it was impressive and socially responsible to offer help to viewers who might be in need of counseling. It didn’t surprise me that Agnes would continue to develop these types of informative story lines when I started working on All My Children. It was always important to her that she be free to write stories that informed audiences by shedding light on various human conditions. I think that mandate is a secret to good writing, whether in film, television, or plays.
There is a tremendous responsibility that comes with that type of writing, however. Agnes was always able to accomplish her goal of informing viewers in an entertaining way by telling a complicated story through the eyes of complicated characters. Agnes’s style is to show that no one is lily white and no one is chalkboard black either. Everyone has a point of view and Agnes makes sure to give the show’s fans a well-rounded perspective. Because that point of view is always authentic to her characters, the stories are very rich and instructive and have resulted in some great people-watching—if only on TV. I think this is part of the secret of why there is so much ongoing interest in All My Children and Erica Kane. Is it chemistry? Alchemy? The magic Agnes creates with her writing? Looking back, I don’t think everything can be reduced to a formula, and our show is a great example of that. I love that there is so much more to All My Children than some formula because otherwise there wouldn’t be that magic. I am often asked about what makes our show work and why it has lasted so long. The truth is, I’m not sure I know the answer, because I don’t believe there is one answer. It’s a harmony of many elements, which come together and somehow just works.
While I believe that some people develop into perfectionists over time, I was definitely born one. My perfectionist behavior has never been about pleasing anyone else—it has always been about living up to the very high standards I set for myself. This extends as far back in my life as I can remember. My teachers always told me that they could correct my homework with a blindfold on because they knew I was going to turn in perfect work. I learned to read and memorize things at a very early age. At first, I learned by looking over my brother Jimmy’s shoulder while he was reading his comic books; later, in first grade, I learned while reading in school, then by reading license plates on passing cars, telephone numbers, and ultimately through scripts.
Not long after being cast as Erica, I went on an audition to play Miranda in an off-Broadway production of The Tempest with an up-and-coming director. I thought I was totally prepared for the audition. When I got to the theater, the director was committed to working with me to help me nail the part. He was trying to get me to change my tack so I could bring something different to the role, something particular that he was looking for. He thought I had it in me, so he kept pushing and pushing, hoping that I would get it right. We worked on one monologue until he thought I was ready. But when it came time to do the audition, I didn’t deliver. I didn’t get the part.
I left the theater, hopped into a cab, and headed back to our home in Forest Hills. I spent the forty-five-minute ride (and subsequently much of my life) going over all of the mistakes I made, asking myself why I couldn’t get to that place where the director wanted me to go. If I had been able to find it, I know the part would have been mine. I appreciated all of the time and work he put into my audition and felt I had let him down. I was so frustrated with myself because I had always been a very quick study, but this time, that just wasn’t the case.
About two blocks away from the theater, something suddenly clicked and I knew what I needed to do. I wanted to tell the cabdriver to turn around and go back to the theater so I could try again, but I didn’t have the courage or the nerve. I was too shy to go back and ask for a second chance. My shyness has always been the elephant in the room and has, at times, held me back from performing in my freest, most authentic way and from getting whatever it is I want. It’s something I have always struggled with and is an area where I wish I could be more like Erica. To this very day, I regret my decision not to return because I know I could have landed that part and I would have loved to play Miranda.
Since I am a trained Method actress, I draw from my personal experiences and recollections, whether it’s sense memory or the memory of an actual event. I always wanted to do well and enjoy the work I chose to do. There are many times when I wish I wasn’t such a perfectionist because that drive often hampers me. I get so disappointed when I don’t meet my self-imposed expectations. Not only do I feel like I’ve let other people down, I feel as if I’ve let myself down, too. Even now, I sometimes think that maybe I’m kidding myself—that I’m not a very good actress and that what I’ve really been is lucky all these years. I’ve been told I’m talented since I was a little girl, but I still question myself all of the time.
Can I do this?
Am I kidding myself?
Maybe I can’t…These are just some of the thoughts that still sometimes go through my head. But then I remember to breathe, reassess, and let those thoughts go. I remind myself that I’ve been well trained and have learned my craft from the very best in the business, so I try to hold on to this whenever those negative thoughts creep into my head. I have a tremendous amount of pride in my work because I love acting, and I especially love playing Erica Kane.
Thankfully, Erica was perfectly written from the very beginning, so understanding her and matching her drive to have and be the very best, and not to settle for anything less, were traits that were already a part of who I am to my core. Soap opera scripts are brand-new, full-length, ninety-plus-page plays you get to act out five days a week. It’s the blessing and the curse of the medium. We get fresh material every day, but that is a lot of material to memorize, especially if you’re in many scenes a day. Still, memorization is only half the battle. Once you’ve got the words down, you must bring them to life.
For a while I didn’t realize that Erica had special mannerisms until my daughter, Liza, was around the age of two or three and she sashayed into my bedroom one day, flipped her hair from side to side, and said, “Like you, Mommy!” I had to laugh because, like Mr. Weyand did back in class at Marymount, my toddler child had perfectly captured Erica’s (or was it my?) head toss. This was definitely a sign that acting was in Liza’s future, too.
