Always Us (We Were Us Series Book 2) (16 page)

I sipped my coffee and watched the population of the church dwindle as families left to celebrate the rest of Christmas Eve with each other. The elderly couple from earlier waved at us as the left. I returned the gesture.

Josh swayed anxiously next to me so I downed the coffee and lead him out of the church.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’m just worried about Mom. I haven’t really been away from her this long in the last couple of weeks,” his expression was strained. His truck roared to life when he twisted the key and he floored the gas pedal, causing the engine to buck and sputter before regaining its momentum.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” I muttered, but his anxiousness was rubbing off on me. He whipped into the driveway and ran into the house before I could even open my door.

I quickly followed him through the front door and found him hovering over his mom. Panic washed over me. Josh wasn’t moving and I couldn’t see Mrs. Riley.

CHAPTER TWENTY

I took a step forward then paused when I heard her faint voice from behind Josh.

“I’m fine, I was just sleeping.” I watched her attempt to push Josh away, but he didn’t budge.

This time I took several steps forward and laid my hand on Josh’s back. He stood up slowly and took a step back.

“She’s fine,” he reiterated.

“I was just sleeping.” Mrs. Riley sounded irritated and with good reason.

“Would you like to go back to sleep?” I asked.

“No, I’m awake now I guess,” she yawned. “Put in a movie, the night is still young.”

“That sound good to me,” I smiled.

Josh was still anxious. I could feel how tense he was without even touching him.

“I’m going to go change,” he said. He stalked off down the hall to the stairs.

“I will too,” I said to Mrs. Riley. She only smiled and nodded so after a second, I too turned down the hallway. I’d been wearing his shirts to bed so I needed to get one from him.

When I walked into his room, he was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. I sat next to him and folded my hands in my lap.

“Every time I walk in the door or wake up in the morning and see her sleeping, I think she’s gone,” he said. He wasn’t crying. “She is almost gone.”

I was at a loss for words. I wondered if watching someone slowly die was worse than an unexpected death? I mean, you have time to process the person’s death and rationalize the fact that they’ll be gone forever, but you have to literally watch them die. And when they actually do die, the finality of everything is still there. A quick death shocks you. You have no time to process until after the rush of the funeral has passed. Then you have to sit down and come to the realization that your loved one is gone forever.

Not that I have much experience in the death or grieving process. My mother had died, but I’d been so far removed from her life, that it hadn’t seemed like a devastating event. Her death hadn’t meant anything to me.

“I don’t know what to say,” I finally said.

“Its fine, I don’t either. Let’s just go watch the movie.”

He tossed me a pair of old wrestling sweatpants he’d worn in middle school and a matching t-shirt.

“You had pants that fit me and you just now decided to share?” I asked as I slipped them on.

“You have nice legs,” he shrugged and winked at me.

The rest of the evening was spent on the couch. I dug up some popcorn to share. Mrs. Riley fell asleep within the first ten minutes, I lasted twenty minutes longer than she did, according to Josh. He must have left me on the couch because I woke up to sunlight peeking through the space where the two panels of the curtains met.

I glanced around the room and noticed that Mrs. Riley wasn’t next to me on the couch. I panicked and jumped up off the couch. I threw the blanket off fumbled around trying to decide where to look first. I turned circles in the living room trying to think of where she’d gone.

Probably the bathroom so I walked down the hallway. I heard rustling coming from the bedroom so I passed the bathroom and stood in the doorway to her room. She was holding herself up against the dresser, shuffling through a small box.

I shifted on my feet, unsure of whether or not to interrupt her. But when she began to sink to the ground, I rushed in and held her up.

“Jenna,” she whispered. “I was just looking for something. You were so peaceful, I didn’t want to bother you. I thought I could make it here and back on my own,” she trailed off. I carefully moved her over to the bed and let her sit.

“I’m going to get Josh.” There was no way, even in her frail state, that I could lift her or get her back to the couch on my own.

I rushed down the stairs and found Josh just stepping out of the shower. If his mother wasn’t waiting for him, I’d stop to admire him in only a towel.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. He’d seen my face before I’d stopped to gawk at him.

“Um, your mom needs you. She’s in the bedroom.”

“How did she get there?” he shuffled through a pile of clothing and yanked on a pair of jeans that I knew were dirty and raced up the stairs without a shirt. I took one from his closet before I followed him up the stairs.

He had her on the couch already and was folding the blankets around her.

“I’m fine,” she said. I could hear the annoyance in her voice.

I entered the living room and opened the curtains a little. There were sheer panels behind them to diffuse the light, but the room needed brightening. It was Christmas morning, after all.

“Merry Christmas,” I said after Josh and stopped fiddling with is mom.

“Merry Christmas, Jenna,” she said and smiled a soft smile. “I have something for the two of you.

Josh and I looked at each other and I know my expression mirrored his own confused one.

“Sit, you two,” she said and patted the seat next to her. Josh sat next to her, and I sat next to him.

She handed Josh a small, black, velvet box. She clasped her hands around his, preventing him from seeing what was inside.

“This is for you,” she looked him square in the eyes. “Someday. When you know the time, the place, and the person are right.” I swear her eyes flicked to me.

She let go of his hands and he opened the box. He pulled out two silver rings. One, a thin plain band, the other just a simple with a solitary diamond set upon it.

Wedding bands.

“Mom?” Josh questioned. He put the rings back in the box and snapped it shut. He tried to give them back to her, but she refused.

“I know that your father and I didn’t work out, but the rings were exchanged out of love. I still believe in that.”

Josh settled his hands in his lap while Mrs. Riley pulled out another small box. This time, a red one.

“This is for you, Jenna.” She handed me the box and waited as I opened it. She and Josh were both watching me intently. With the weight of what Josh had just opened resting on my two hands, I popped open the box.

I think my heart stopped. I was overwhelmed, to say the least. I wasn’t expecting any kind of gift exchange this year. Not here, not now. Mrs. Riley, in her weakened state, had been thinking of how her legacy would live on. She showed us that she cared not for her life, that she had accepted her fate, and wanted only for Josh, her only son to be happy. And the same for me it seemed. For nestled in the white satin, was another ring.

It was stunning. A white gold setting with ten tiny diamonds surrounding a large, exquisitely cut emerald stone.

“It was my mother’s,” she said. “It’s the one thing she left me when she passed away. The one material possession she cared about most in the world. Her father mined that emerald and had it set for her when she was a teenager,” she paused before she continued. “I wanted someone special to have it. A daughter.”

With that, she and I both burst into tears. My own mother had left me with nothing but a house full of junk and the notion that I was never wanted. But Mrs. Riley, with whom I had no relation, whose husband cheated on her with my mother, gave me a most precious gift. Not only the ring, but the act of accepting me into her family and calling me her daughter.

“Thank you so much,” I managed.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Mrs. Riley slipped into a coma on Christmas Day. She was transported to the county hospital as she and Josh had arranged. There was no need for her to go to the big hospital in the city. There was no need for life-saving efforts. This was the end for her.

So we waited. Josh and I sat by her side for a week, listening to the heart rate monitor beep slowly on. For a week, we ate mushy hospital food and stale vending machine cookies. I don’t think Josh slept at all.

On New Year’s Day, Mrs. Riley stopped responding to Josh’s voice. Her breathing became shallow and forced. It was all she could do to take in a breath. Nurses and End of Life counselors popped in and out of the room all day, but Josh brushed them all away. He wanted to focus solely on his mother until she drew her last breath. After that, then he’d hear what they had to say.

At 2:56pm, she exhaled for the last time. She had become so quiet in the last hour, that I wasn’t even sure if she’d passed. Josh was on the opposite side of the bed from me holding his mother’s frail hand in his. His eyes were squeezed shut. He knew she was gone.

A nurse peeked into the room. I turned and gave her a slight nod. She nodded in return and understood. A few minutes later an aging doctor in a white lab coat sauntered in. He was rude and abrupt when he pushed his way in so he could examine her.

“Time of death, two fifty-six in the afternoon. I’m sorry for your loss.” Without another word, he turned and left the room.

Josh hadn’t opened his eyes yet and he was still clinging to her hand, as was I. I gently set Mrs. Riley’s lifeless hand on the bed and stood up. I didn’t know what I was going to do, so I just stood there and stared at Josh. Tears were flowing down his cheeks despite his attempt at holding them in.

“Excuse me?” It was the nurse from earlier.

“Hi,” I whispered and hurried over to her. I was desperate for an excuse to do something.

“Are you family?” she asked.

Technically, no. “Yes,” I lied.

She looked skeptical, but after a glance at Josh in his motionless grief, she decided I would do to receive whatever message she had.

“I just wanted to tell you that we’ll call the mortuary when you are ready. There is no rush, um,” she paused and shifted from one foot to the other. “We do start to bug you after an hour.” She smiled sympathetically.

“Thanks,” I returned her smile. She nodded and turned to leave.

“Take her now,” Josh said, breaking his silence.

The nurse and I both turned to him. He walked towards us, not waiting for us to move out of the way and pushed his way out of the room.

“I’ll go check on him,” I said to the nurse. “Don’t take her just yet.”

She nodded and went back to her desk.

I followed Josh down the hall to the elevators. They were abnormally slow so it wasn’t difficult to catch him.

“Josh,” I said and grabbed his arm. I wanted him to look at me, but he just stared straight ahead at the elevator doors. “Please?”

“She has a will. They know what to do with her. The elevator doors spring open with a ding. He pulled his arm out of my grasp and got inside. He didn’t even turn around. I just watched the doors shut on his back.

I walked back to the nurse’s station and told the nurse to call the funeral home. I also told her to make sure they had a copy of her will and gave her my phone number in case there were any questions. At this point, I wasn’t sure if Josh would answer his phone.

I went back into Mrs. Riley’s hospital room and sat with her until the funeral home director came and took her away.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

I cried. Oh how I cried. After Mrs. Riley had been taken away, I stayed in the empty room for the rest of the afternoon. The kind nurse brought me a lunch and two bottles of water. I was waiting for Josh to come back and I think she was too, but he never did. He had driven me to the hospital so I had no way back to his house.

I finally left her room, thanked the nurses, and rode the elevator down to the first floor. I pulled out my phone and called the one person I knew I could count on at a time like this. It rant three times before Michelle picked up.

“Hello?” she asked.

I squeezed my eyes together and swallowed back the tears.

“Michelle?” I choked.

“Jenna, where are you? Are you okay? Are you crying?”

I burst into tears. I heaved sobs into the phone.

“Where are you?”

“The hospital,” I managed to say.

“Oh my God. I’m coming.”

She hung up the phone and so did I. I sat on the bench outside the sliding double doors and held my head in my hands. I futilely wiped the tears from my cheeks, but they just kept coming.

Soon enough, Michelle’s sister Renee’s car pulled up in front of me. I climbed in the back seat and shut the door quietly. Renee pulled back onto the street and Michelle’s questions began.

“What were you doing at the hospital? Are you okay? Where’s Josh?”

“Um,” I took a deep breath to clear my tears but it was no use. “Josh’s mom passed away today. I’m okay, I guess. I don’t know where Josh is.”

Renee gasped.

“Oh my gosh! I knew she was sick, but not that sick.” Michelle was turned around in the front, passenger’s seat. Her arms encircled the head rest. Shock crossed her face. “I wonder if mom knows,” she said to Renee.

Renee just shrugged.

I sunk back into the seat, pulled my knees up to my chest, and rested my chin on them. I wiped my eyes again.

“Where are Lauren and Stefanie?” I asked.

“At my house,” Michelle replied.

“Both of them?” I asked. I was surprised to hear that Stef was in Riverview.

“Yeah, Stefanie didn’t want to go home to her parent’s house so she drove me here for Christmas and has been staying with me all week. Lauren didn’t have any other plans, so we had a sleep over last night.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. Happiness that my friends were finally getting along. Sadness that I’d abandoned them. And gratefulness for Michelle, that she dropped whatever she was doing and came to my rescue.

“That’s great,” I said.

“So, where are we going?” Renee asked.

All of my stuff was at Josh’s, but I could shower and change at Michelle’s too. I wanted to see if Josh had gone back to his house.

“Can we run by Josh’s house? I want to get a few things and to see if he’s there.

Renee made a U-turn and took the rode down to Josh’s house. My heart sank when I didn’t see his truck in the driveway. I suspected that he had gone down to the river. If he was there, then I’d leave him alone. He needed time to think.

I grabbed what little clothing I had had with me when I came to Riverview, the red velvet box with the emerald ring inside, and the sweatpants Josh had let me wear. I walked through the house and turned off all of the lights except the living room lamp and the porch light. I wanted him to be able to see where he was going when he got home. If he came home at all.

                                                                                    ***

When we got to Michelle’s house, her mother pulled me into a long hug. It meant more to me than she’d ever know. Not only was she showing kindness to me, but she was keeping me from falling apart all over again. Michelle led me upstairs to her room where Stefanie and Lauren were waiting. I’d guessed that she’d sent them a text about what happened because I was surrounded by hugs when I entered the room.

We all sank to the floor and I let everything out. I cried for Josh, his mom, my mom, and for me. I cried on the floor with the three girls until there was nothing left in me to get out. All the anguish and sadness I’d been holding onto for the last few months was gone.

We stayed up all night long laughing and crying about what had transpired between us since school had started. Stefanie opened up about her parent’s failed marriage and money issues. Michelle told us all that she’d been worried about not fitting in at the apartment and at school and that was part of the reason she’d been lashing out at Stefanie. She apologized to Stef and promised to buy her more food and new makeup to replace what she’d ruined. Lauren confessed that she’d fallen in love with Brandon and that they were planning on living together next year. All of us were shocked but not really surprised. She’d been strangely absent from the apartment, only showing up to change or sleep and even that had been rare. But I’d been so caught up in myself that I hadn’t noticed.

I stayed the night that night and ate breakfast with everyone, but I needed to find Josh. The mortuary had called with questions that I didn’t know how to answer. I excused myself then walked back to Josh’s house to get my car. His truck was still missing from the driveway so I decided to see if he was at the river.

We’d gotten no snow yet this winter. Kansas usually didn’t get much snow until February, but it was odd not to have any snow. I loved the snow and welcomed it, but today I was grateful for dry dirt roads so my tiny car wouldn’t get stuck.

I saw Josh’s truck before I saw him. I rounded the last bend to the riverbank and parked next to him. He was standing at the edge of the water staring out over the gentle waves.

“Josh?” I called as I got out of the car. When he turned to me, he didn’t smile. He’s eyes were rimmed with red, his expression bleak. “I have to talk to you.”

“They’re about to cremate her,” he said stiffly.

“I know. I told them to call you. I know you said she has a will, but you just rushed out of the hospital room,” I stopped. His eyes darkened, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Then let them do their job!” he screamed at me.

He charged at me so I backed up against my car. Before I knew it, he had me pinned against it. His arms were on either side of my head, his palms were flat against the car door. His face was inches from mine. Anger radiated off of him.

“I-I’m sorry. They called me. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t move away from me. His blue eyes bounced back and forth between mine. “She’s gone Jenna. You need to let her go.”

What? What was he talking about?

“I don’t understand,” I said softly.

“I mean, she’s gone. She’s not coming back,” he repeated.

“I know that. I wasn’t trying to stop anything. I just thought you should talk to them first before they do anything.” My voice shook. His gaze was intimidating, but I couldn’t look away from him.

“She’s not your mother,” he said evenly. “You changed things. We had a plan and you can’t change things,” he raised his voice and pressed in closer to me. Now I was really scared. He was confusing me. I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t say anything about my mother, nor did I change anything with his.

“What are you talking about? I stuck my neck out, causing him to step back.

“You don’t know what I’m going through. You didn’t even like your mother. And then you come in at the last second and try to take over mine. Well, you can’t do that.” He yelled again.

“Take over? Josh, what are you talking about? I’m not taking over anything. I promise. I’m worried about you. You’re scaring me,” I bit my lip to hold back anymore words. I didn’t want to make him madder or say something I’d regret.

His eyes softened.

“You asked me to stay, remember? I stayed because you wanted me here. I wanted to be here for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling. You’re right, I didn’t like my mother. Her death meant nothing to me. I’m sad about it, but nothing like the devastation I feel right now. Your mom isn’t my mom, but she treated me more like a daughter than mine ever did.” A ball of tears formed in my throat. “I can’t go back and fix things with my mom. But I can be grateful for what your mother gave me. Something mine never did. Love. Your mother was an amazing woman and I hope to be like her someday.”

I cupped his face in my hands and he immediately grasped my wrists. He acted like he wanted to pull my hands away but instead he slipped his hands up and covered mine. He slid his fingers between mine then wrapped my arms around him and pulled me into a hug.

“I just don’t know what to do now? How do I go on? She was all I had left.” His rawness burrowed deep into my heart to a place where I’ll never forget.

“You have me,” I whispered. If that wasn’t appropriate, I didn’t care. And neither did he, because he justsqueezed me tighter.

“Don’t ever leave me,” he whispered back.