Angel of the Apocalypse (10 page)

The
Devil smirked. “Yeah, real simple. How about this – God
comes down to Earth and saves everyone. The end. How about that?”
Pawn to d4.

God
let out a truly patient sigh, the type of sigh that a parent would
give a petulant child. “Whatever,” he said. Black knight
to f6.

“
I
think Revelations is so confusing because you had no idea what you
wanted to do, so you made it so cryptic that just about anything
could happen.” White knight to f3.

“
Just
keep your mind on the game.” Black bishop to g4.

Once
again ignoring his advice, the Devil rambled on. “But none of
it really happened the way it was supposed to happen in Revelations,
did it? I mean, some of it did. The plague, the oceans and lakes
turning to blood. Sure, but then you-”

“
But
then
you
happened.” God interrupted. “And you
weren't playing by the rules, were you? Just like always.”

“
I
came to Earth to save mankind.” White bishop to e2.

“
You
only came to Earth to save the sinners. The ones who weren't worthy.”
God moved his black pawn to e6.

“
I'm
just saying, man is a flawed creature. They will
always
sin.
It's in their nature. Then you come along and kill everyone for just
doing what comes naturally to them.” White pawn to h3.

“
That's
precisely the point. It is in man's animal nature to sin. But it is
man's duty to fight his nature and become a better person. It's why I
created humanity. The bible couldn't possibly be more clear on this
issue.” Black bishop to h5.

“
But
what does man get for being a better person? He gets to go to Heaven?
Those are just rules you made up.” The Devil castled his king.

God
had just about enough of the Devil's psychological ploy. “You
gloat that you are The Destroyer, yet it takes no effort to destroy.
It takes no effort to criticize. It takes no effort to be selfish. It
takes no effort to hate. These things are from your animal nature,
which you revel in. But there is a better way. It takes every effort
to create. To give of yourself, and help one another. I am the
creator, and I made man in my image. Man was created to create. If
you aren't creating, then you aren't existing. It is the reason why I
will win in the end. The path of destruction is for immature fools.”
Black knight to c6.

For
the first time since starting the game, the Devil remained quiet and
concentrated. He had an extremely quick mind, and processed millions
of possible moves each second. The mid-game gave way to the end-game,
and it was clear that the Devil had the edge. The game went on for a
total of thirty-seven moves.

In
the end, it was clear that God had lost, and he conceded.

“
Out
of all the games of chess that have ever been played, do you realize
that the game we just finished was an exact reproduction of Garry
Kasparov verses the Deep Blue supercomputer in 1996? It was the first
time that artificial intelligence defeated a chess master. Fitting, I
think,” laughed the Antichrist. “Only two more contests
to go, or to be more precise, only one more contest to go, after I
win the boxing match. Remember – best two out of three wins.”

God
was not amused. “I've had about enough of your bullshit,
Lucifer. I've been sitting here, listening to your crap for the last
couple of hours. All you do is talk. It's about time I show you what
true power is.”

The
table with the chess set flashed out of existence. In its place
appeared a boxing ring, with the two combatants looking at each other
from opposing corners of the canvas. God was outfitted in white
shorts with a gold strip down each side. For an old man, God had an
incredible physique, with thick forearms and a stout, barrel chest.

The
Devil had an equally impressive physique, but he was much more
slender, almost gaunt. He wore red trunks with a black stripe down
each side. After shadow boxing for a few seconds to warm up, the
Devil pointed at God and said, “Are you ready old man?”
It looked as if God was a full two weight classes above his opponent.
The devil seemed unconcerned.

A
beautiful demoness with red skin and dressed in a black bikini
appeared in the center of the ring, holding a large white card above
her head that read 'Round 1'. She ran over to the devil, wrapped her
arms around him and gave him a big kiss. “Go get him tiger,”
she purred.

The
Devil pushed her away. “Fuck off, I'm busy.” The demoness
pouted, then disappeared in a flash of crimson smoke. The bell for
the first round rang.

God
walked purposefully towards the center of the ring, both of his
gloves held high to protect his chin. The Devil showed no fear and
danced around God, with his hands held low and chin out, in a mocking
gesture.

With
lightning speed, the right fist of God smashed the Devil in the face
with the force of a freight train. The sound of an atomic bomb echoed
through the mountains. The devil lay spread eagle on the canvas,
unconscious. One could almost swear that tweety-birds were circling
his head. God raised his hand in victory. “That ought to shut
you up for a bit,” he remarked wryly.

After
a minute, the Devil regained consciousness and sat up. Orville was
madly waving a towel in his face. “What the Hell happened?”
he asked, eyes slightly crossed.

“
You
just got knocked the fuck out,” Orville replied.

The
Devil hopped to his feet. He was having none of it. “Pfft,
lucky punch. Doesn't matter in the slightest. There's no way you can
win the last contest. Ever dance with the Devil with the brimstone
bones, old man? No one in the history of the universe has moves like
me.”

The
boxing ring disappeared, and in its place appeared a dance stage,
with hardwood floors and a high ceiling. The Devil was dressed in a
black tuxedo, top-hat, and a cane. God was dressed in a white,
skin-tight unitard and tap-dance shoes.

The
Devil looked at God with eyebrows raised. “Really? That's what
your going with?”

God
remained stoic, and leveled his gaze at Satan. “I have always
been a fan of the Riverdance.”

The
Devil nearly double over, laughing. “Well, let's see it, old
man. This ought to be a hoot!”

God
took center stage. The lights dimmed, as a single spotlight was
trained on the divine figure. All was silent, then the beautiful
yearning of Scottish bagpipes sang in the air as God placed his hands
on his hips. Drums joined the bagpipes, and the old man, surprisingly
limber for his age, started tap dancing in rhythm to the drums.

The
tempo of the bagpipes increased in urgency, as God hiked his knees up
and skipped across the stage, in perfect rhythm. Overhead, the clouds
parted, and golden rays of light danced across the stage as the music
stopped and God froze in the form of a pirouette. Then the music
started again, a single piccolo chirped a playful ditty.

The
man in the tight unitard burst into action in an unparalleled display
of interpretive dance. He raised his arms to the heavens as his
thickly muscled legs lifted and stretched in time with the piccolo.
Once again, God placed his hands on his hips, as his feet madly
tapped in counterpoint to the urgent rhythm. The music and the
footwork reached a frantic crescendo, and then the final climax as
the music stopped and God froze in place. In his best Saturday Night
Fever pose, his face sternly looking forward, chest heaving from
exertion, and a finger pointed to the sky. It was the most
magnificent display of Riverdance the world had ever witnessed.

Three
old judges who sat beside the dance stage, solemnly raised their
score cards: 9.5, 8.5, and 9.0.

The
Devil stood stunned, mouth agape. He shook his head in disbelief and
said, “Dude, you got issues.”

The
Devil then walked up the steps and took center stage. Once again, the
lights dimmed, and a single spotlight focused on the Father of Lies.
A sultry demoness stood by his side.

Light
jazz music began to play. In one swift motion, the Devil lifted the
demoness high into the air were she disappeared in a puff of
brimstone smoke. At that moment, the music stopped and the demons in
the audience maniacally applauded. With a devilish grin, Satan threw
his hat to one side, and ripped off his tuxedo, revealing a tight
black t-shirt, MC Hammer pants, and a thick gold chain with the
initials A.C. on it.

Suddenly,
the sound of 80's rap music exploded from the audio system.
Synthesizers and electric guitars boomed from the speakers. The
mountains trembled in-time to the deafening beats, causing rock
slides and avalanches across the continent. The Devil then busted
into a series of pops and snaps, as six sultry demonesses appeared
behind him, dressed in full gangsta booty style – high leather
boots and G-strings. They twerked their bootylicious butts in rhythm
to the phat beats as the Devil break-danced his way across the stage,
gold chains flailing around his neck and wrists. As the song ended,
the Devil spun into a windmill, then froze in place on the dance
floor.

No
one on Earth had ever witness those funky-fresh moves, those fly
dance steps, or those radical pops and snaps. The audience of demons
that were cheering and applauding, were now sprawled out on the
ground, their senses shattered from witnessing the greatest
break-dancing moves in history.

The
contest was over. It was time to tally the scores and determine the
fate of mankind. Once again, the three old judges solemnly raised
their score cards: 9.0, 8.5, and 9.0. One of the judges spoke in a
commanding voice, “And the winner is...God!”

“
Fucking
Bullshit!” screamed the Devil. “This whole contest is a
sham, you crooked motherfucker!”

“
Crooked?”
replied God. “I
invented
evil, bitch!”

*
* * * * * *

Behind
the dance stage, God walked over to a cooler filled with ice and
pulled out two bottles of German beer. From his pocket, he took out a
can opener, and popped both bottle-caps. He placed both the caps and
the bottle opener back into his pocket. After taking a swig of beer,
he walked over to the Devil and offered him the other bottle. “You
coming home?” God asked.

The
Devil let out a long sigh, looked up at God, and finally took the
beer. After looking at the bottle for a moment, he shifted his eyes
to God. “After all I've done...After all I've put you through,
you still want me to come home?” A puzzled expression creased
the Fallen One's face.

“
Of
course,” God replied. “What is life, without forgiveness?
I've missed you since the day you left. You were always my favorite
son, and you were always welcome to come home. But you were just so
damn
stubborn
.” God smiled with kind eyes, and offered a
hand to help the Devil to his feet.

The
Father of Lies looked at the offered hand, then he began to shake
uncontrollably, then he burst into tears. “I'm sorry...I'm so
fucking sorry,” the Devil sobbed, as he hugged God's leg with
both arms. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“
It's
OK, son.” God lay his hand on Lucifer's head, and gently
stroked his hair.

After
wiping away his tears, Lucifer got to his feet, and the two walked
down an old dirt path towards Heaven. Large oak trees provided shade.
“You know, technically I won that last contest.”

“
Well,
you know what they say,” God replied. “If you ain't
cheatin' you ain't tryin'.”

Lucifer
turned to God in surprise and said, “You know what? That's what
I always say!” The two had a good laugh as they entered the
gates of Heaven.

The
End.