As Tears Go By (40 page)

“Rebecca—”

“Ugh!
Stop calling me that! No one calls me Rebecca. And you say that name in the
most condescending tone!

He held
up his palms defensively in surrender. “Why are you so angry?”

“Why?”
She laughed, sounding a bit senseless. “Why am I angry? Okay, how’s this? I
never
used to get angry. I’d let you do whatever you wanted, because I was too busy
doing everything else, and that worked just fine for
you
. While I was busy holding this house together, raising our son,
attending meetings, figuring out the bills, and aging myself twice as fast
picking up all your slack, you were busy going to the gym, fucking God knows
what, and having a mid-life crisis shopping spree we couldn’t afford. I’m very
sorry you were so discontent in our marriage, Kevin, but maybe if you’d helped
out once in a while I could have been a better wife!”

Her
head was spinning as her temper flared out of control. Had she really been
disillusioned enough to consider cutting off her own personal needs for this
man? He’d said it was for them, and she’d tried to do right by Hunter, but the
truth was, no matter how much she would always care for the father of her
child, she really disliked him for all of the terrible things he’d done and all
the crucial things he’d never managed to do.

“I have
needs, Kevin!” Maybe he didn’t deserve to be attacked in that moment, but so
many unresolved issues of their past had been excused without a word from her,
she felt it was her due to—for once—lose a bit of her patience. “You hurt me
more than anyone else ever has. You slept with another woman—
in our bed!
Do
you have any idea how long it took me to get over that? And then you turned
around and blamed it on me like I should have been blowing you in between IEP
meetings and workshops and everything else I do around here.”

“I’ve
apologized, Rebecca. I don’t know how else to fix things.”

“You
can’t
fix this! You broke us!” But deep
down she knew they’d already been broken.

His
face flushed a dark shade of red. “You’re acting hysterical.”

“
I
am hysterical!
Because of you everything is messed up! I was happy. For
once in my life I was happy. All you had to do was let me be, but you couldn’t
do that. You sat right there and pulled every trick in the book. My God, you
even brought up having more children.”

“I
wasn’t trying to trick you, Rebecca. I want things the way they were.”

“Oh, I
bet you do,” she said coldly. “You had quite the life. The problem is, Kevin, I
don’t
want things the way they were. I was miserable.
You
made me
miserable. Catching you that day was probably the best thing that ever happened
to me. It should’ve removed all my guilt and validated the ending to our
relationship. But our marriage, our family, meant everything to me. I couldn’t
throw it away as fast as you and you took advantage of that. You took advantage
of me!”

There
was a noise in the hall and she froze. They both turned and found Hunter
studying them, unspeakable questions in his eyes.

“Get
back in bed, Hunter,” Kevin barked.

Her
blood boiled. “Don’t you dare yell at him!” she snapped. Stepping to Hunter,
she softened her voice and touched his shoulder. “Come on, bud. Let’s go back
to bed.” As she passed Kevin she hissed, "I want you to leave. Now.”

He
caught her arm. “I want to talk about this.”

“I
don’t. I said everything I needed to say to you months ago. I don’t like the
person I am when I’m around you. I want you to go and I want you to take your
crap with you. For half a year I’ve nicely asked you to get the boxes out of
the garage. If they aren’t gone tonight I’m putting them on the curb tomorrow,
because whether you like it or not, this is my house to do with as I please and
you no longer belong here.”

She’d
allowed him too much leverage, too much of a say in her future. After ten years
of marriage it was difficult to change her thinking, but finally doing so felt
right. Her words, as cruel and overdue as they might be, vindicated the
emotions she’d been hiding from.

Her
hands trembled as she led Hunter upstairs. The lights from Kevin’s car
eventually reflected on the curtains, telling her he’d gone. As stoic as she
attempted to be, there was no holding her tears inside.

Hunter’s
head rested on the pillows, his eyes studying her face. His small hand pressed
to her eyes and she caught his fingers in hers so he didn’t accidentally poke
her.

“Sad.”

His
perception surprised her, wringing out more emotions. “It’s okay, honey.
Mommy’s just upset. Try and shut your eyes and get some sleep. It’s late.”

He
studied her for a long moment, not necessarily looking into her eyes, but
observing her features. His small brow pinched as his head tilted. “Smile,” he
said.

Her
lips trembled into a somber grin, but her eyes continued to weep. Her boy was
so sweet. She hated the moments he saw her like this, moments she wasn’t strong
enough to hold it all inside. He shouldn’t have to witness her tears.

“Braydon.”

She
stilled.

When
Hunter was first diagnosed someone told her to expect moments of hope and
moments of grief at the same time. Hearing Braydon’s name cross her son’s lips
was exactly that. “What?”

“Braydon
makes you smile.”

 
Her lips parted, shocked by his insight.
Hunter knew Braydon, not just in a superficial sense, but in a comprehensive
way. Somehow, during all the spinning, stimming, racing, and rocking, her sweet
son had interpreted one undeniable truth—Braydon made her happy.

Her
shock lasted so long, Hunter’s attention drifted to the stuffed monkey sitting
on his bed. She swallowed and did what she should have done all along. She
asked her son what he wanted. “Hunter, do you love Braydon?”

He made
an affirmative sound.

“Did
you like the place we visited with Mrs. McCullough, the lady with orange hair
that gave you hot chocolate?”

He
laughed. “She gave me blue gloves.”

She
chuckled, ever impressed by his memory. “Yes, she gave you blue gloves. Did you
like that place?”

“Yeah.”
He bit his lip and rolled to his side, staring at the wall. He was getting
tired.

“Would
you like to go back there some time?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe
we could stay there,” she suggested gently, unsure if that was even an option
at this point.

“And
play in the snow?”

She
smiled. “Yes, and play in the snow. And in the summers we could swim in the
lakes. Would you like that?”

He
laughed. “Yeah. But not to get my hair wet.”

Drawing
in a choppy breath, she smiled. “No, we don’t have to go under water.”

She
pulled up the blankets, but rested by his side until he fell asleep. When he
finally dozed, she carefully curled closer to his little body and slowly rested
her hand over his, hugging him gently. “I love you, Hunter.”

Sometimes
autism was too complicated to explain, but other times it was so simplistic it
showed her how uncomplicated love could be. She was done being afraid. It was
time to welcome hope back into her life. She was certain of where she was meant
to be, because the moment Hunter spoke Braydon’s name her only regret was that
Braydon wasn’t there to hear him.

* * * *

The
room wobbled as Becca plopped on Nikki’s couch. “I’m such a shmuck.” Her plan
to fix things with Braydon had fallen flat when he didn’t answer any of her
calls.

Nikki
patted her leg lovingly. “You’re not a shmuck.”

“I’d
hate to say I told you so—”

“Then
don’t,” Nikki snapped, giving her sister a pointed look.

“It was
only a matter of time before the real Kevin showed up.”

“I
freaked out,” Becca slurred.

“The
man is a cockroach,” Carla argued. “There could be atomic warfare and he’d keep
showing up. You did the right thing. Maybe freaking out got through to him.”

Nikki
refilled Becca’s glass. “No one blames you for taking the time to consider your
choices, Becca. You needed to realize this on your own. Now you can move on
without the burden of self-doubt.”

“I
can’t move on. Braydon hates me.”

“He
does
not
hate you. He’s hurt. Men
have pride. You took a little shit on his.”

“You
don’t understand. He thinks I chose Kevin over him. It was never a matter of
Kevin, only Hunter, but no matter how hard I tried to explain that he never
understood. Now he’ll think he’s second choice.”

“Not if
you explain it to him. Show him your mind’s made up and he’s the one you want.”

“He
doesn’t want to hear it. So long as he refuses to take my calls he’ll never
know my position changed.”

“He
didn’t want to hear it while Kevin was still in the picture,” Nikki said. “He’s
gone now. Eventually you’ll get through to him.”

“Correct
me if I’m wrong,” Carla interrupted. “But didn’t he tell you not to contact him
until you’ve made up your mind? Mind’s made up. Nikki, get Becca’s phone.”

Nikki
dug around in Becca’s purse and produced her phone. “Here you go, my love.”

“He
won’t answer.”

Carla
snatched the phone out of her hand. “Oh, just dial.” They all waited in silence
as the call connected. Carla frowned. “It went to voicemail.”

Becca
started to cry again. She’d been such a mess, she insisted Kevin take Hunter to
his place
for the remainder of the weekend. Perhaps the man was human
after all, because he agreed with little protest.

“Give
me that phone,” Nikki demanded. She punched the contact information from
Becca’s phone into her own and hit send. They waited.

“Braydon,
this is Nikki. You have thirty minutes to call me back on this number or I
can’t be held responsible for what happens. I’ve gone through too many tissues
and too much vodka for one night to put up with this childish shit any longer.
Call me back.”

A
minute later the phone rang. “Bingo.” Nikki gave a cocky grin and brought the
phone to her ear. “Good evening, Mr. McCullough.”

“Good
evening, but I’m afraid you have the wrong McCullough. This is Finn.”

“It’s
his brother,” Nikki hissed, tucking the phone away from her lips.

“We can
hear him,” Carla hissed back. “Tell him to put Kelly on the phone.”

Becca
smacked her in the arm. “Why does Finn have Braydon’s phone?”

Nikki
held up a finger. “Might I speak with Braydon?”

“’Fraid
not. He isn’t taking calls at the moment.”

Her
friendly demeanor vanished. “Why the hell not?”

“He’s a
little preoccupied with other things right now.”

Becca’s
stomach flipped. Other things? What sort of other things?

Nikki’s
expression hardened. “What are you, his secretary?”

“Just a
concerned relative.”

“Well,
why don’t you tell your brother to grow a set and—”

“Nikki,
don’t.” Defeated, she pleaded with her friend. “I knew he wouldn’t want to
talk. Don’t yell at Finn.”

“Is
that Becca? How’s she doing?”

Nikki
frowned. “Becca’s fine. Whose side are you on?”

“I’m
neutral.”

“Well,
listen, Switzerland, Becca was figuring her life out and she wants to explain
things to your brother, but the man’s being stubborn and won’t pick up the
phone.”

“I
don’t think he’s capable of operating heavy machinery right now.”

“Like a
phone?”

“Yup,”
Finn agreed in a chipper tone. “He probably won’t be calling her back until he
pukes at least twice and sleeps for four to seven hours. We gave him a lot of
liquor.”

She
cupped her hand over the phone. “He’s wasted.”

“Oh,
like Becca!” Carla clapped. “You two are so meant to be.”

Nikki
held up her finger and stood. “Refill her glass, Carla. I’ll be right back.”
Nikki disappeared into the kitchen for several minutes as Carla did as
instructed.

“Drink
up, pudding.”

“I
don’t think I should have anymore.” Her head was getting very heavy on her neck
and the room kept spinning.

Carla
waved her objection away. “Don’t be silly. Now, which one’s Finn? Is he the gay
one?”

“No,
that’s Luke, his twin.” Amazingly, she could still keep all the McCullough’s
names straight, even drunk.

“I
don’t know how Maureen did it, raising that many boys, but I’m sure glad she
did.”

Nikki
reappeared a while later with empty hands. “Carla, go in the pantry and grab
the last of the vodka. Becca, where are your shoes?”