Barefoot by the Sea (34 page)

He closed them, as if he could hide that pain. “I was very happy with Kate before the…before.”

Another sting hit her chest.
Kate.

“I was content,” he continued, unaware that she felt anything, as he should be when he was the one confessing his personal hell.

“I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been,” she said.

He barely nodded. “As horrible as it is to find the woman you love murdered, the fact that they took Shi and Sam away from me is worse.” He hissed in a breath, more angry than hurt. “I’ve completely missed their first three years. Just…gone. I’ll never get them back. First steps, first words, first…everything.”

“But now you can get them,” she said, her head throbbing a little as she imagined how much worse it would be to have the child and lose it—two of them!—than never to have had one at all. “You have to get them, John.”

He looked at her, expectation and a question in his eyes.

“You guys!”

They both whipped around to find Zoe standing in the hall entrance, hands on hips, scowl on her face. “The ceremony rehearsal started fifteen minutes ago. Everyone is on the beach waiting for you two.”

They both stared at her, equally stunned by the intrusion.

Zoe’s gaze slid over Tessa in her robe and John’s shirtless chest, then behind both of them to the bedroom. She fought a smile and rolled her eyes. “I suppose it would be sheer hypocrisy for a pregnant and engaged woman to remind you that you’re supposed to have the honeymoon after the wedding.”

John started to slowly push up. “We were talking.”

Zoe snorted softly. “Well, you better shut up and get down to the beach.”

“I know the rehearsal started,” Tessa said, holding up a hand. “But we—”

“No buts, baby, because we even got the mayor here for the walk-through and he won’t stay long.” Zoe marched closer, as if she planned to yank them both into action. Instead she snapped her fingers like a drill sergeant. “Dress, you two. Stat.” She looked from one to the other, maybe taking in Tessa’s tear stains. John looked pretty ravaged, too.

“Um, if you can’t come to the rehearsal,” she said slowly, “I can stand in for you.”

“Give us a few minutes,” John said.

Zoe nodded and left.

When they were alone, John stood and reached his hand down to Tessa. “You don’t have to do this, Tess,” he said.

“I have to go through with a wedding for the consultants who are visiting,” she said, letting him pull her up. “I promised Lacey.”

“But it doesn’t have to be a real wedding.”

She wished she knew the answer, but she didn’t.

“I’ll meet you down there,” she said softly, going into her room and closing the door.

Alone, she leaned back against the cool wood and searched her heart for the answer. Should she marry a man under false pretenses to help him have the very thing she couldn’t have? A family? A man who’d planned to annul the wedding and disappear to New Zealand under a different name?

What kind of woman would that make her?

Stupid? Crazy? Desperate?

No, it would make her sleep better at night. Alone, but better.

The chaos on the beach matched the turmoil in Tessa’s heart. Only with more players, noise, and a postcard-worthy sunset. All over the sands of Barefoot Bay, resort staff zipped around, shouting questions and walking off space for seats and makeshift aisles on the sand. In the midst, Lacey had a clipboard in one hand, a phone to her ear, and about five conversations going at once. Jocelyn had rallied the spa staff as stand-in guests who milled about, and Zoe had marked off an area where a pilot would launch a hot-air-balloon ride for the bride and groom.

Tessa scanned the scene, looking for one man in the crowd, and found him almost instantly. John stood at the water’s edge, deep in conversation with Mayor Lennox, both of them barefoot like everyone else. In the span of a heartbeat, he found her, too, holding her gaze despite the people and space between them.

John…whose name was Ian Browning. Who hid his life and still managed to melt her heart right down to her toes. Who—

“Have you been crying?” Jocelyn cut into Tessa’s view and pitiful thoughts.

“Out in the garden too long?” Lacey was on the other side in a flash, clipboard abandoned for a close inspection.

“She’s been busy breaking test tubes.” Zoe’s hands landed on Tessa’s shoulders with an affectionate squeeze. “And testing the real deal for a change.”

Tessa dipped out of her touch. “I’m fine, and Zoe has an overactive imagination.”

Zoe held out a hand. “Hah. You owe me twenty bucks.”

Tessa slapped it. “Let’s get this thing over with. I’ve got a lot to do.”

“Sounds like it,” Jocelyn teased.

Tessa looked down at her toes curling into the sand. “Please stop.”

Instantly, the humor evaporated, replaced by three concerned faces, the genuine look of love filling Tessa’s already tender heart.

How could she
not
tell them? The secret about her mother gave her enough guilt, and now this? But she’d promised, and that was enough for her.

“This isn’t easy,” Tessa finally said, letting
this
cover a multitude of possibilities.

“Oh, hon.” Lacey immediately went into mama nurturer mode, reaching out to Tessa. “You don’t have to do this.” She gestured toward the crowd and the mayor—and the man.

Didn’t she? If she didn’t marry John—for real—then he couldn’t get his kids.

“I can stand in for you,” Jocelyn said. “If you want to go back and regroup.”

Behind Jocelyn, Tessa could see John’s silhouette moving in her direction, his large, muscular form outlined against the setting sun. “I don’t want to regroup,” she said. “I only want…”
To figure this out.

John came up to the group, instantly stealing the light and air and any sensible answers. He looked worried enough that Tessa knew he thought she might be spilling his secrets right then and there.

Her chest tightened at the thought. She’d never betray him, but he didn’t know that. She’d have to prove it to him somehow.

He reached out a hand to Tessa. “I’ve been talking to Mayor Lennox, Tess. Have you met him?”

The other women stepped aside, making room for him to take Tessa’s hand.

“Oh, wait,” Lacey said, lifting a paper on her clipboard. “I have the vows.”

“Vows?” Tessa asked.

“It is a wedding rehearsal,” Lacey answered. “I’ve tried to think of everything, but God knows, I’m not a wedding planner.” She produced two index cards with handwriting. “Ashley wrote them.”

“Ashley?” Tessa practically choked.

“I know, right?” Lacey grinned. “She had to do it for her psych class. They’re really nice thoughts. You’d think the girl understood a thing or two about love.”

Or what she thought was love. So maybe Ashley’s vows were perfect—pretend vows for pretend love in a pretend marriage for all the wrong reasons.

“C’mon, Tess,” John said. “We can practice while they iron all this out.”

He closed his fingers around her hand, warm and secure, tugging her away from her friends. Was that because he wanted her to himself or away from the temptation to tell?

“Watch your step,” he said as they reached a small reef of shells left from the last high tide. She was looking down to avoid any broken edges when she spied a brown-and-white spiral tip jutting up. Habit and hope made her bend down to check it out.

The instant she touched the shell, she knew. “A junonia,” she whispered, an actual thrill shooting through her.

“You found one?” John asked, coming closer. “Let me see.”

She brushed the sand off the smooth shell with a little cry. “It’s perfect,” she exclaimed. “A perfect, unchipped junonia.” She ran her finger over the flawless spindled edge, finally tearing her eyes from the prize to look at him, holding it up proudly. “Behold, the mother of all shells.”

Literally.

“You found one,” he said, his whole face lit like hers must have been. “Congratulations.”

“To both of you!” Mayor Lennox sidled up next to them. “I know there’s a lot to rehearse, but I’m afraid I’ve got a town council meeting in less than half an hour. Can we do our run-through right now?”

“Of course,” John said, putting his arm on Tessa’s shoulder and leaning close. “You hold on to that shell for luck, okay?”

But it wasn’t for luck. It was for dreams. Her dreams. The dream.

The junonia wasn’t a symbol of her dreams coming true. It was…meaningless. Just like this marriage.

“It’s only…a shell.” Holding the shell loosely, she walked with the two men to the very edge of the foamy Gulf water.

There, Mayor Lennox held up his hand. “Okay, dearly beloved, blah blah blah. I’ll read some stuff, ask you a few questions, and then you’ll say those vows. John, you’ll go first.”

“Okay.” He held up the card. “My dearest Tes—”

“You don’t have to read them now,” she said.

“But I want to.” He looked at the mayor. “Indulge me, will you?”

Mayor Lennox angled his head as if it say “Whatever,” and John turned right to Tessa, taking one of her hands. Behind them, everyone quieted.

John cleared his throat and Tessa looked down at their joined hands, her gaze locked on the shell that she’d once thought would be a sign she would have a baby.

“My dearest Tessa,” he said again. “I stand before you a simple man with a simple need.”

Not so simple, it seemed.

“I need you.”

“Awww.” That was Zoe, of course.

“I
need
you,” he said again, softer this time, forcing her to look up.

And there was the agony in his eyes one more time. The look of a man who knew pain so deep and indescribable that it had etched misery on his heart.

All he wanted was his children. Yes, she was hurt and mad and embarrassed. Worse yet, she was still feeling things for him that would probably make her more hurt and mad and embarrassed when this all ended.

As it would have to.

“And I promise—”

She held up her hand to his lips. “No.”

“No?” His eyes flashed deep, dark, and afraid.

All he wanted was his children. If she didn’t understand that, then who did? “No…you don’t have to do this now. Let’s save it, John.” She touched his face, vaguely aware of the shell in her palm. “Save it for the real wedding. The
real
one.”

She felt the breath from his sigh of relief. “The real one,” he repeated. Reaching out, he pulled her into his arms and squeezed, his heart pounding so fast and furious she could feel it through his muscles. His heart that deserved to be healed.

She wrapped her arms around him, heard the ooohs and ahhs of the crowd, and laid her head on his chest.

“Thank you, Tessa,” he whispered into her ear.

Behind him, she opened her hand and let the shell fall to the sand, knowing the next wave would wash it away.

That was fine. Someone else would find it. Someone should have their dreams come true. It just wasn’t going to be her.

Ian paced his little bungalow long after dark, something he couldn’t name gnawing at his gut and doing a damn good job of devouring him. Urges ravaged, and he tried—and failed—to walk them off.

He wanted to march over to Tessa’s place and…no, she wouldn’t want that.

So maybe he should jump on his bike and ride, but that would merely be running from his problems.

And, of course, there was always the bottom of a bottle of booze. But he hadn’t had more than a glass or two of wine in weeks, and not even scotch held its usual appeal.

He wandered into his kitchen, restless, one eye out the window, and caught the glimmer of a flashlight being carried through the garden. It was all he needed to see. He stepped out to his patio, checked Tessa’s very dark bungalow, then followed the light, staying a good distance behind.

It only took a few minutes to confirm that he was following Tessa, who moved like a ghost through the garden in a long, sheer dress that might have been a nightgown or a swimsuit cover-up.

Where was she going? To work in the garden? Not at two in the morning. To sit alone and cry? His chest squeezed at the thought of her shedding one more tear. Maybe to Lacey’s house for some girl talk? Some
honest
girl talk.

He wiped that possibility out of his head. She’d given him her word that she wouldn’t tell anyone his story, and that was good enough for him. At the edge of the Rockrose property, she turned and headed toward the beach. He followed, part of him curious, another part wanting to protect her in the dark.

But the biggest part wanted to be with her. The need ate at him, forcing him to slow his step and keep from running, calling, tackling, and kissing her until she couldn’t breathe.

No such need seemed to consume Tessa, who walked slowly along the beach, staying away from the water, flashlight pointed down, bending over occasionally.

She was shell hunting. Hadn’t she found her prize hours ago?

When she stopped and crouched down for a minute, he nearly caught up with her. The beach was black and bleak, and he needed to call her name so he didn’t scare the life out of her. But he took the time to watch her shadow, his mind whirring with possibilities.

He’d never told her about the epiphany he’d had in the Everglades. Because it seemed so wrong now to think she’d ever leave for him. After the way she’d discovered the truth, she probably wouldn’t believe him if he…

Her shoulders shook with a sob. Bloody hell, she was crying. “Tessa!”

She spun so fast she toppled right onto her backside with a soft gasp.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, slowing as he came closer.

“What are you doing out here?”

“I followed you,” he admitted. Good God, honesty felt great. That was what had ahold of him. Not only the need to be with her, but the chance to finally be honest about everything with her.