Bilgarra Springs (19 page)

I had known that I had feelings for him but had not realised that they were returned until that moment. For a long while we simply laid there together, not talking, just simply being. It was so peaceful that I nodded off to sleep. When I awoke the stars had moved positions in the sky and Will had gone. My bed, when I got into it, held no comfort. My mind still had me lying outside, under the stars, in the company of a truly wonderful man.

Aurora closed the journal up, rose and placed it back in the drawer. There were so many emotions running through her at the moment that she didn’t know whether she wanted to laugh, cry or do both. On the one hand she was hurt to find out that her grandmother hadn’t been faithful to her grandfather and it was information that she really didn’t want to have. On the other hand, she had never herself been so fully, head over heels in love and was envious that Gran had found that, even if the circumstances were not right.

As she climbed back onto the bed she tried to rationalise the situation to try and better comprehend it. She knew that sometimes circumstances intervened and things happened that shouldn’t have, but that didn’t help her feel any less sorry for her grandfather. It was a hard situation to be in and even harder for not knowing the full facts. Had this happened to one of her friends she may have been in a better position to appreciate the beauty of the accidental romance a little more.

Laying back against the pillows and staring at the ceiling, she wondered whether Cupid’s darts fell from the sky out here. Last night had seen punches thrown defending her, a kiss in the moonlight and now the beginnings of a love affair from over sixty years ago. It certainly seemed that being under the stars out here created a lot of emotional mayhem.

thirteen

T
he
U
nexpected

Sunday night was the quietest night since Aurora had arrived. Fiona had thrown together some leftovers and fried up eggs, bacon, onions and baked beans to go with it. The whole crew had come out but it had been in dribs and drabs and the conversation had been anything but scintillating. Nanna naps notwithstanding, everybody, Aurora included, was still bone tired. Aurora was glad about that. The bombshell about Gran was occupying most of her headspace and if she were being completely honest, she was a bit angry that Fiona knew but had said nothing to prepare her. She hoped that Fiona would just think that she was tired and cranky along with everybody else. It was not a topic she wanted to tackle right now.

Callan had appeared beside her in the kitchen when she was rinsing and stacking plates. He had asked if she had enjoyed the wedding and the weekend in general. She had replied that she had, which was the truth, he had flashed her that killer smile of his and that had been that on the blossoming romance front. Aurora had felt let down at the time that nothing more had been said or done, but now, lying in bed, she could see that her expectations had been unreasonable.

There had been no chance to be alone and after a weekend of very late nights and lots of alcohol, sleep was probably uppermost on his mind. It was just that it was that period of time after both parties cross the friendship line where it either has to go forward or the ‘we made a mistake, that shouldn’t have happened’ conversation takes place. It was going to be dead uncomfortable until that stage was over one way or another and being stuck here together wasn’t going to help. Tiredness was starting to overcome her and any thoughts that she may have about the situation with Callan, or the revelation in the diary, were going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Sleep seemed to have recharged everybody’s batteries and they were all firing again bright and early Monday morning. Aurora had her usual early morning sluggishness, but she felt better than she thought that she would have. She was glad about that as they were going out to replace the wire in a section of fence that needed it, and apparently there were a few kilometres to get done. It would have been a long day out in the sun if she, or any of them for that matter, weren’t back up to speed. At least busy would be good. It would keep her thoughts from roaming too much over either of the situations that were currently uppermost in her mind. Once they all reached the part of the fence that needed replacing, Rick and she had took off in the Cruiser to check another long section of fence that had been done at around the same time, to see if it had problems, before returning to help the others.

The day had been long, hot and dusty and while everybody was perkier than the day before, they were still not quite back to their usual selves and it showed in the lack of joviality. Usually there was a constant stream of jokes and poking fun at each other. Today there was only the odd comment and chuckle. Still there had been no mention made by Callan of what happened between them at the wedding or any sign that it he was still interested. Although to be fair to him, he had been flat out all day and since they returned he and Rick had been deep in conversation about extra dams and different fencing configurations for the back paddocks.

By the time she got to bed that night, Aurora was thoroughly confused on the Callan issue. Yes, she understood that the circumstances were not ideal to privately pursue a relationship and she briefly wondered how Sophie and Jeff had managed it. There was also no other choice. If Cal did want to take this any further it was going to have to be with a dozen or so onlookers. She had spent all day mentally debating whether or not she did want it to progress. If she disregarded the fact that she was only here for another two weeks, and if circumstances had been different, she had decided that she would like to see if it could go anywhere, but it was almost impossible to ignore her temporary status and she knew that it wasn’t wise to get too attached to someone who may as well be in another country. They were thousands of kilometres apart and their worlds couldn’t be more different.

Aurora’s general disgruntled state wasn’t helped by the fact that she was in two minds over the journal as well. Part of her wanted to read the rest to see what had really happened and the other part of her simply didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to have to re-evaluate the life that she had always assumed was true. Her own double-mindedness was starting to annoy her. She had often thought that life would be way more peaceful if people had the ability to flick a switch and turn their mind off while they slept, a bit like turning a mobile off so it didn’t annoy you overnight. The really irritating part was that she knew that in a few moments she would be unable to ignore the journal and she would be back up to her armpits in family drama that she didn’t really want to know about.

As if testing her resolve, she lay there in the dark trying to go to sleep, but in the end, as she knew she would, she ended up fetching the journal
.
She had been using the photograph of Gran to mark her place. Now, gazing at the photo all she could think was,
Why? Why are you wanting me to know all this now?
The photo certainly wasn’t going to talk to her so she put it down and started to read.

26
^th
January 1946

For the first time, I find myself really in love. It pains me to write this as it is now very clear to me that I am married to a man whom I love but with whom I am not in love and I dearly wish that I had known the difference before we wed. Loving someone is relatively easy; being in love is not difficult but appears to be something over which one has no control. I certainly did not choose to fall in love with Will and I must admit that my heart and mind would not be as divided as they are now, had I not done so. There is such a marked difference in my feelings for the two men that I am not sure that words are capable of capturing the true essence of what I wish to write. There is an urgency and a necessity about my feelings for Will that are lacking in those for Charles. Charles and I have a wonderful rapport and I enjoy his company immensely but there is no desperate desire to be by his side, or to hear his voice, nor any burning desire to do things for him, to please him.

Aurora paused, thinking about her own situation with Peter. Gran had hit it spot on. She had been pursued by Peter. They had spent a lot of time together and she had become used to having his company, rather than desperation for it, or even needing it. They had gradually slipped from friends to marriage. Aurora had never felt any urgency to hear his voice. She had heard of women who had rung men’s mobiles when they knew they were going to be unavailable just to hear their voice on message bank, but it was not something that had ever even crossed her mind. There was no over-riding necessity for him and she had certainly never gone out of her way to do things purely to please him it had all just been work to her. She was sort of intrigued now with what Gran had to say and continued reading.

I have been the first in the kitchen the past couple of days in my eagerness to both see and speak with Will and to have everything ready for him when he arrives. Fiona has not yet said anything but I feel that she can see straight through me and it is somewhat disconcerting.

Aurora couldn’t help but laugh at that. It seemed Fiona hadn’t changed much in that respect over the last sixty or more years.

I am treating every day that I am here as a gift. I have absolutely no idea when Charles will write or send a telegram to fetch me back but it seems that the longer I am here the happier I am becoming. The trappings of my wealthy life in Sydney do not in any way compare with the sincerity and honesty that I have discovered here. Life here is many times harder than the one that I left in Sydney but when one compares the two, the life that I had been leading is one of a butterfly flitting from flower to flower – pretty and enjoyable, but producing nothing.

Aurora had an instant mental picture of her grandmother dressed to the nines, going from luncheon to dinner to the theatre in a continuous round of engagements full of beautifully dressed people discussing nothing more important than the latest in fashion or entertainment, full of twittering gossip. She smiled at her own thoughts before moving on to the next entry.

27
^th
January 1946

Will kissed me today. I know that it is wrong of me to feel this way, but it felt like I had finally been really kissed. It was a kiss that reached inside and branded my very soul. I should feel guilty I am aware, but in the circumstances that is impossible. My very limited experience in this department to date has involved kisses that were very chaste by comparison. Passion is a very seductive thing. Will apologised for his weakness in kissing me. He is very aware, always, of the fact that regardless of our feelings for one another, I am legally another man’s wife. I will not be sorry and I will not regret that I allowed him to kiss me. He has awoken in me something that I never knew existed and I will always be grateful. There is so much more to write on this subject, but I fear that it should not make much sense as my heart is so full that my thoughts are darting all over the place.

Aurora briefly put the journal down on her lap, thinking back to her marriage and Peter’s kisses. Perfunctory would be the best word that she could label them with. He had kissed her out of obligation, or a misguided sense of duty, but she could not remember a single occasion when he had poured himself into a kiss the way Gran had described it.

Her experience with Callan on the weekend didn’t shed any light on what Gran was talking about either. That had been tentative, unsure even. She thought of Will and Gran’s kiss and sighed with longing for someone to kiss her with all the pent up emotion that it seemed Will had unleashed on her grandmother. She pulled herself up there though. To be deeply drawn like that into Will and Gran’s story was incredibly unfair to her grandfather. She was trying hard not to be judgmental, but she couldn’t help feeling sorry for Pop and the fact that his wife fell in love with another man. She wondered if it had been obvious to him. She hoped that he had never known. She picked the journal up again with a heavier heart.

28th January 1946

The heat was incredible today. There was a very dry hot westerly wind blowing and it was almost unbearable. In an attempt to escape the heat Fiona and I went to sit under the lovely old Jacaranda tree in the front yard. It was only marginally cooler there. The others had thought us mad when we had first announced what we were doing. The river would have been a much cooler spot, but the walk out there would have been a scorcher and that fact had put us off the idea. Eventually Arthur and Will joined us under the tree. I wonder if I will ever laugh so much again. Between Arthur’s drollness, which Fiona stokes at every opportunity, and Will’s dry wit, it was an afternoon of hilarity. I laughed so much my sides hurt. None of us felt guilty about the break from work. The heat was extreme and would have made any outside work dangerous and it was simply too hot to remain in the kitchen.

Aurora wracked her brain but could not remember seeing a Jacaranda tree in the front yard. She never regarded herself as the most observant of people, but surely even she would not have missed that. Maybe it was only a stump now, that would be easier to miss, although she couldn’t recall seeing one of those either. She would have to have a look next time she was out that way.