Bound For You: Men in Blue, Book 6 (12 page)

B
en’s chest
could easily have contained one of the exaggerated cartoon disasters depicted on those posters for heart attack warning signs, which they plastered around the cardiac center where he’d settled for a decent paying gig as a management analyst. Except he felt anything but numbness.

It was more like he experienced that horrible zinging pain that took over your body when blood rushed back into body parts. Maybe that was what this was. Him finally returning to the same plane as other people, who were fully alive.

Emerging from emotional hibernation.

Since he’d discovered his sister’s diary, he’d been cut off from so much—the world, his full feelings, Ryan. Especially Ryan.

He looked at his roommate, the guy who had beat astronomical odds with him. The person he’d shut out of his life lately because he couldn’t bear it otherwise. Admitting how unbalanced their exchanges had been wrecked him. Especially since he craved more of some of the acts they’d committed…in there.

The other thing he could do to prove both to himself and to Ryan that he could rise above his base nature, the one that had been enhanced by their stay in Morselli’s lair, had been to deny the dark urges. He stared at Ryan, hoping the other man could understand.

With Ryan’s single nod, he knew the guy had, though he didn’t appear to agree.

Great, another argument. Exactly what he
didn’t
want.

Ryan pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers like he did when he had a tension headache. More often lately.

“What the hell is he talking about?” Shari asked in a near whisper.

Ben didn’t bother to stop Ryan from spilling his deepest, darkest secrets to her. Maybe this time she would realize he’d been right to shove them both away. He didn’t deserve them.

“It was easier for me, Shar.” Ryan nuzzled her hair, as if drawing strength from her nearness. He used to do that with Ben, too—recover faster, fight harder—when they spent time together in their cell. Had Ben snatched coping mechanisms from Ryan too? Fuck, he was worthless. “I came into the dungeons later than Ben. Plus, I’m bi and I’ve been cool with that forever, so it didn’t matter who they put me with. Man or woman, it wasn’t any better or worse for me. And, you know, I’m kind of a slut who’s into being bossed around anyway, so—”

“Don’t do that!” Ben commanded. “Don’t put yourself down. I won’t let you ever again. Enough. We both did what we had to in order to survive. Except you stepped up and took some of my share of that shit when I’d reached my limit. You protected me when my attitude and my deranged stunts looking for April and Julie wrote checks my ass couldn’t cash.”

Shari caught on. “You feel like you used Ryan to avoid something.”

“So many awful things. A couple times, they beat him so bad I don’t know how he didn’t die. They used him like savages. They gave him to a roomful of people who’d taken Sex Offender while he, on the other hand, was lucid and his sex drive was unenhanced. They fucked him raw. Once…the worst…they kept me in the room while they did the drug and the mist and fumes were enough to give me a contact high. Not a full dose, but bad enough that I can’t imagine what Ellie—or my sister, or Lily, or any of them—went through. Then they sat around and laughed while they watched me tear into him. I couldn’t stop myself.” Ben covered his eyes with his hands. His shoulders shook. “After,
he
comforted
me
. Told me it was okay, that he’d enjoyed it even though that can’t be possible. I was so rough. Greedy. Still, he kept me safe from poachers or even myself while I went through the downside of the high. I never would have made it without him. Not even another day past when we met, never mind the weeks we were down there after that. Then I went and did that. I could have broken him. I was out of my mind with lust like I’ve never felt before.”

Shari tried to cut him some slack. “I’m sure the fact that you’re naturally attracted to him magnified the effects of Sex Offender.”

Except he couldn’t be sure she was right. “But I’ve never even thought about fucking a guy before Ryan. How can you be sure that how I feel isn’t…manufactured? A side effect of what we went through, or that day? Sex Offender.”

Ryan flinched as if Ben had sucker punched him.

Another reason he’d never had the balls to have this conversation fully before.

Bile scorched his throat. He had to come clean. “It can have permanent effects on your system. Look at Ellie. Sometimes I still feel it. Ravaging me. Making me want to tear into him like I did that day.”

“Did you hear me complaining?” Ryan practically purred. What the hell was wrong with that guy? He could not possibly have enjoyed such savagery. A glutton for pain, he kept setting himself up over and over for Ben to accidentally knock down.

Maybe it was best they put distance between them. He shouldn’t have called Ryan last night, shouldn’t have invited him to come today. Except Julie would have been crushed. She thought of Ryan as a second dad. And she’d already lost so much, he hadn’t had the heart to rip that from her, too.

Still, he couldn’t let Ryan brush off his concerns. They were too important to ignore.

Dangerous.

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. You
should
have. But you never did. Maybe you never would, because you’re strong enough to put other people first. Above yourself. It’s not right! I won’t take advantage of you ever again.”

Shari tried to intervene. “Hang on, Ben. I think you’re confused.”

He didn’t relent. Clarity had come to him a while ago on this point. It was just another thing those monsters had robbed from them both. The chance to definitively separate the unusual magnetism they had from the taint of those events.

“No, I’m clear on this. Certain. I could never turn around and treat him like they did.
That’s
why I’ve been keeping my goddamned hands to myself since then. If I was a true friend—half as decent as he is—I would have kicked him out months ago, so that he could thrive on his own instead of binding him to me tighter to help myself get through the nights when I know there’s no future for us.”

“Why? Why can’t there be?” Ryan blurted. “I love being bound for you. To you. Are you saying it’s because you only fucked women before? I get it if you did things with me down there that you aren’t into in regular life. Desperate times and all that…”

Ben loved the guy, but he had to be joking. Had he really been thinking all this shit?

So wrong.

Add gay-shaming to the list of injuries he’d inflicted due to his negligence.

“Ry, I don’t think that’s the problem.” Shari smiled softly as she patted him on the knee. “He may never have been involved with a man before you, but he’s completely into you. I wish you could have seen what I did when he jumped you in the kitchen before.” Then she turned to Ben again. “He wants you. You definitely want him…”

“Aren’t you two listening to me?” he shouted. When they only blinked in response, he tried to school his features into a blank mask and concentrated on lowering his voice so they couldn’t mistake what he said next. “How can I ask him to serve me when I’m the one who owes him my life? How can I take you from him, make him share your affection, when all he ever did for me was be generous? How could I possibly let go of my control long enough to fuck him, when I’m not positive that I wouldn’t hurt him again?”

If Ryan’s reflection of his agony was any indication, he already failed on that point.

Undiluted sorrow shredded his insides.

“You idiot!” Ryan howled. “You’ve been beating yourself up for nothing.”

“Oh, Ben.” Shari sighed his name, like it was carried on a gentle summer breeze. Everything he prized in the world these days, yet was afraid he would stomp all over given his nature and the un-improvements his time in hell had wrought.

So he tried one final time to warn them off, before his restraint cracked and he took what he so desperately needed. Them. “It’s not right to accept his affection when I’m not one-hundred percent certain that what I feel comes from my soul, like I believe, or a side effect of what they did to us. Same for him. Maybe he would never have fallen for me if it hadn’t been for those monsters and what they did. If that’s true, then I’m only prolonging their theft of his freewill. It’s not right.”

“We’re telling you, you’re mixed up. We’re here for you. Willing to take a risk to show you that you’re not the horrible person they’ve conditioned you to think you are.” Shari’s conviction began to persuade him. She was impartial. Had never been exposed to Sex Offender or the evil people who had wielded it. Her perspective wasn’t warped by circumstance. “When we look at you, we see something totally different than the distorted impression they’ve planted in your brain. Remember, it was one enormous experiment. Don’t let them keep stealing your choices because you’re afraid.”

“Even if that’s true, I don’t deserve you. Either of you. You’re good and kind and so damn sexy. I can’t be trusted to keep you safe. Like April…”

“Shut the fuck up.” The iron in Ryan’s snarl surprised him, snapping him out of his line of reasoning. “The world sucks sometimes, Ben. We both know that without a doubt. Even if something horrible happened to one of us, unless you did it, you’re
not responsible
. Right now, you are harming me. You’re hurting Shari too by keeping yourself away from us when that’s not what we would choose for ourselves. Can’t you see? You’re doing exactly what you’re so damn scared of to begin with.”

Ben shook his head, trying to keep Ryan from starting to make sense.

“You have the power to fix this. You are in control of your fate,” Shari crooned to him. “Don’t let those brutes take another thing from you by twisting you around until you make bad decisions. Be with us. Let us heal you. Or at least try to make you feel better until the wounds can scab over. In the process, you can do the same for us.”

“You’re lost, Ben. A fucking mess.” A slight smile crossed Ryan’s face when Ben snorted at his honest assessment.

“Now
that
I believe.” He might even have grinned some in return.

“Let us help you. Shari is everything good and light in the world. Untouched by the shit we went through. She’ll find a path out of the darkness and keep the shadows away. And I’m still here for you, every step of the way. Like I was in that shithole. I’ll always have your back. I thought you would know that by now.” Ryan’s hands balled into fists before he purposefully unfurled them, finger by finger.

“What if I do this?” Ben asked softly, lured into having faith by their unwavering determination and his underlying desires. “What if something happens and I lose you two? I can’t do it again. I can’t. I’m fucked up and I’ll never recover. I have to hold it together for Julie, but I’m not doing a great job of that, and you’re slipping away. I want to rip things apart with my bare hands. Then last night I couldn’t find you. I thought…”

“Oh fuck.” Realization dawned in Ryan’s eyes.

He’d said too much. It hadn’t been his intent to overwhelm them with remorse.

Only to explain, honestly and completely for once, what he was feeling so they might understand and pardon his errors in judgment.

Shari too must have realized what their disappearing act had led him to believe. She lunged from Ryan’s hold and practically tackled Ben. They tumbled until she blanketed him, smothering him in warmth and softness.

Ryan didn’t object as she covered Ben’s face with butterfly kisses, comforting him in a way his instincts could process despite the depth of his despair. His hands shifted as if he was possessed, coming to rest ever so gently on her back. For once, he didn’t brush her aside. He stayed stock still, as if any motion would scare her off, then accepted the comfort she rained on him.

The truth was clear to him in that moment. No words would ever convince him like this simple show of her sincerity and yearning. One Ryan seemed to approve.

When she hesitated, staring straight into his eyes before sinking lower so that she could take her first taste of his lips, Ben glanced at Ryan out of the corners of his eyes. The other guy looked like he might break out into one of his patented happy dances, complete with expert-level twerking.

“Mind if I kiss the shit out of him, Ryan?” Shari verified, though Ben could read the answer plainly in his best friend’s eyes.

“Don’t ask, Shar. If it feels right, go for it. That’s what I want for you. For each of us.” Maturity didn’t always suit Ryan. Right then was the exception. He seemed genius to Ben, who’d struggled for so long with trying to simplify things between them. It didn’t last long, though. “Besides, if I wasn’t afraid of shattering this Hallmark moment, I’d probably already have my hands in my pants and be playing with my cock while you two make out. Go ahead, put on a sexy show for me.”

Laughter buffeted Ben’s lips.

Then he was doomed. No way could he help but taste elation that pure and freely given.

He craned his neck upward, closing the gap between himself and Shari. The moist heat of her lips soothed the bruised flesh he’d won as a consolation prize from his tongue twister with Ryan earlier. Her petite hands petted his shoulders, helping him relax and enjoy instead of pillaging her mouth. Despite his fears, she calmed him.

Her passion burned away some of the pain. For them both, he supposed.

As their tongues touched, swirled, and licked, his hands roamed lower, to her waist. He held her hips securely on top of him, keeping her from slipping to the floor when she lost track of their surroundings. Instead, he rolled, putting her beneath him.

Something inside him unfurled, coming back to life. And he wasn’t just talking about his dick, which grew stiffer by the heartbeat. Levered up on his elbows, peering into her pretty coffee eyes, he felt more like himself than he had in ages.

Not only because she was so utterly feminine compared to Ryan’s cut form.

Also because she lent him some of her strength. Damn, did she have a lot of it.

Shari squirmed beneath him. He thought he might be crushing her until he realized her instincts had her attempting to align their bodies so their pleasure points connected. If they’d been naked, he could easily have pressed his cock to her and begun to ease inside.