Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (9 page)

When the light turned green and I started to
drive away, I got a good look at the zombie. His suit was dirty and
torn, and his skin was pale. But I recognized those high
cheekbones, handsome face, and long dark hair.

I made a u-turn and pulled up next to him. “Can
I treat you to dinner?” I asked.

He accepted, and we’ve been great friends,
roommates, and perhaps something more, ever since.

(back to
TOC)

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Ronaldo and Julia

The prestigious Cavender family was holding a
grand ball, and all the differently animated were invited.

In fact, only the undead were invited, as the
Cavenders were very prejudiced against the living. They were jaded
by the way their comrades were treated, and they worked their
entire un-lives to surpass the lowly status they had when they were
living.

Alas, the ball was a masquerade ball, so many
living persons were able to sneak in. One such young man, filled
with blood coursing healthily through his veins, was Ronaldo
Murillo. He was the only son of the Murillo family, a clan long
known for their hatred of zombies.

He sneaked into the ball by painting his face
before putting on the mask, giving himself a pallid, lifeless
complexion. This technique was taught to him by Rose, his
girlfriend who recently dumped him. In fact, she was the reason he
was attending the ball. She would be there to see her best friend
who was recently turned into a zombie.

As he was looking for Rose, he stumbled into the
most beautiful woman he ever laid eyes on. He quickly asked her to
dance, and she accepted. She told him her name was Julia Cavender,
the daughter of the hosts.

Upon receiving this news, he fled, but not
before she found out that he was Ronaldo Murillo, the son of her
family’s worst enemies.

That night as she lay in bed, she couldn’t stop
thinking of Ronaldo. Since she couldn’t sleep, she went out on her
balcony and looked at the stars. “Oh Ronaldo. Why the hell did it
have to be Ronaldo? I wish he would leave his family, and I would
leave mine, and we could run away together. You know what, who the
fuck cares if he’s Ronaldo, he’s still hot.”

“Then call me Bob,” said a man hiding in the
bushes below.

“Ronaldo, is that you?”

“Sure is babe.”

“You need to leave,” Julia said. “If anyone
finds you here, they’ll pop a cap in your ass.”

While she is trying to convince him to go for
his own safety, Ronaldo has climbed the trellis up to the balcony
and perched on the edge of the railing. “Yes.”

“What?” asked Julia.

“Yes, let’s run away together. Leave all of this
nonsense behind. We can get married and get a house out in the
country.” Now on the balcony, Ronaldo dropped to one knee. “Julia,
will you marry me?”

“Oh yes, yes!” she tried to exclaim as quietly
as possible. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“Who will we get to marry us? Isn’t it still
illegal for humans and zombies to marry?”

“My friend Larry got ordained online. We’re not
far from the border, we can go up to Canada to get married.”
Ronaldo was already planning it all in his head.

The next day, Julia packed a bag, including her
prom dress, and waited in the back alley. Ronaldo and Larry pulled
up, she hopped in the back, and they took a road trip to the
border. They were married and back in a day. On the way to the
Cavender household, they dropped Larry off and picked up Ronaldo’s
friend, Marc.

When they got back, Julia slipped inside, but
her cousin Ty caught Ronaldo and Marc pulling out of the alley.
“What the fuck were you doing at the party?” Ty yelled while
pointing a gun at Ronaldo.

“Whoa dude, I didn’t do anything,” Ronaldo said,
putting his hands up to show he was unarmed. This was his cousin
now too, he thought.

“Don’t be such a pussy,” said Marc, and he got
out of the car. “You want some of this, huh?” he said, chest out,
to Ty.

Ty walked up to him so they were chest to chest.
“Bring it on buddy.”

Ronaldo got between them, trying to break them
apart. During the struggle, he hit Ty’s gun hand with the gun,
which discharged into Marc’s chest.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Ronaldo yelled, slowly
losing his sanity. In his distress, he picked up the gun and blew
off Ty’s head, ensuring that the zombie couldn’t come back to
life.

At this time, the sheriff, Ronaldo’s uncle,
arrived on the scene. Ronaldo tried to turn himself in, but his
uncle let him go, thinking that Ty had just killed Marc.

After sunset, Ronaldo sneaked back up to Julia’s
room. They secretly made love through the whole night. He managed
to sneak out of her room just in time in the morning, right before
her mom opened her door to wake her up.

To hide the flush of her cheeks from the
afterglow of her and Ronaldo’s night together, Julia acted as if
she were crying into her pillow. She let out a sob as she heard
Ronaldo hit the ground to cover the sounds of him getting away.

“Aw, I know you miss your cousin Ty. Don’t
worry, we’ll get revenge on them.”

At that, Julia really did let out a sob, worried
about the fate of her new husband. Her mom rubbed her back and
said, “I have a surprise for you. I’ll be right back.”

She returned with a beautiful white wedding
dress. At the sight of it, Julia burst into renewed sobs. “I know,
it’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Mrs. Cavender said. “Everything is
arranged for you to marry Patrick this weekend. You’ll be a
beautiful bride!”

Julia couldn’t reply. “I know, you’ve got a lot
of emotion to work through,” her mom said reassuringly. “I’ll leave
you alone in here for a while. Then we can make the reservations
for your hair and you can try on the dress.”

As soon as her mom was away, Julia climbed out
her window and went over to Larry’s. He opened the door, and inside
there was a haze of smoke. “Is Ronaldo here?” she asked.

“No, I haven’t seen him today.” He stopped to
take a pull from a hand rolled cigarette. He offered it to Julia,
but she declined. “What’s wrong?”

“My mom is planning for me to marry someone else
this weekend,” she said between sobs.

“But you’re already married to Ronaldo,” he
said.

“Duh!” she replied.

“Well, you’re a zombie, right?”

“Duh!” she said again.

“Then just play dead. Here, take a couple of
these.” He handed her some pills. “They’ll knock your ass out for a
few hours. It’ll make you look like you finally crossed over to the
afterlife.”

“What about Ronaldo? Will you tell him the
plan?”

“Sure,” said Larry, and Julia went home. But
Ronaldo didn’t come home that day, intending to spend the next
night with Julia again.

So that night, when he went to her room, he
found her dressed in the wedding gown and laid out on a pedestal
with her arms crossed over her chest. He watched from the window as
her mother and family, all dressed in black and in tears over
Julia’s unmoving body, finally left the room.

Ronaldo went into the room and tried to shake
Julia awake, but she wouldn’t respond. He was convinced, like her
family was, that Julia was finally gone for good. In his grief, he
pulled out a knife and slit his wrists, dying right next to his
love.

When the sleeping pills wear off, Julia woke up
in the middle of the night to find her love lying dead on the floor
in a pool of his own blood. She summoned everything she knew about
zombieism, and made him into a zombie.

Now that Ronaldo is a zombie, the Murillos
became more accepting of the undead. And now that he was one of
them, the Cavenders accepted him as part of the family.

Julia and Ronaldo got a nice house in the
country and lived together in legal wedded bliss.

(back to
TOC)

****

The Locket

Lowell
didn’t go anywhere without wearing the locket.

When he was 22, he asked the girl of his dreams
out on a date, and she accepted. The date went wonderfully, and he
asked her on a second. Then a third. And so they were dating.

One day, they moved in together. It was a tiny
little apartment with stained carpet, but they were in love, so it
was perfect. They cooked meals together, spent Sunday mornings in
bed together, and stayed up talking into the night.

For their first anniversary, he gave her a
locket. She cut off a clip of his hair and put it inside. The
locket stayed on her chain around her neck. She didn’t go anywhere
without wearing the locket.

And then, one night when she was driving home
from work in winter, her car hit a patch of black ice and slid off
the road. It tumbled down a cliff and into a ravine. It wasn’t
found for days. When the car was finally found, she was gone,
leaving nothing behind but the remains of the car, her locket
hanging from the rearview mirror.

Lowell put the chain around his own neck, went
back to their apartment and locked himself inside from his despair.
He didn’t eat, he didn’t drink, he didn’t sleep, and he didn’t
leave the house. He wasted away to nothing, and eventually died,
yet he still got no rest.

Finally, he started leaving the house to go on
walks, but he never took the locket off. He would walk and walk
until his legs seemed ready to fall off.

Months later, he was walking on a rainy day, and
walked right into someone else. He didn’t apologize, he didn’t look
up, he just kept walking. “Wait,” said a female voice.

He stopped in his tracks. She sounded just like
his long lost love. The bones in his neck popped as he looked up.
There she stood, just as beautiful as the last day he saw her. She
was even wearing the same dress, although now it was significantly
tattered and worn. He saw the wound on her head. The crash must’ve
killed her instantly.

“My love,” she asked. “Are you a zombie
too?”

“Yes,” he said, tears of joy streaming down his
cheeks. “Now we can be together forever.” And he put the necklace
back around her neck.

(back to
TOC)

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Lost Lovers

Dear
Kevin,

I just want to apologize for the way I reacted
yesterday. I hadn’t expected to see you at Denise’s. It caught me
off guard.

It wasn’t my intention to ignore or avoid you, I
just didn’t know what to say.

I know we didn’t have the best relationship when
we were dating, but I must admit, I still miss you. Before you were
a lover, you were a great friend. I miss our long talks and having
your shoulder to lean on.

I’m sorry things ended the way they did, but I’m
happy to have met you.

Sincerely,

Cindy

------

Dear Cindy,

Thank you for writing. I can understand why you
would be caught off guard. I wasn’t sure what to say either. But
really, I was happy to see you. And I’m glad you wrote me.

How are things with you? What are you doing
now?

I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary,
and we’re expecting our first child! It’s going to be a girl! We
just found out today. Sharon has started knitting little pink
booties, it’s adorable. I think you would like her, you two have a
lot in common.

I’m a tax accountant now. It’s a stressful job,
especially during the months of February through April, but it
makes good money. Tax season starts in just a few weeks. I must
admit, I’m nervous, but I am every year. People come up with new
things to try to deduct every time, and it always throws me for a
loop.

So what about you? Are you working for an ad
agency yet? Any kids?

It’s great to hear from you.

Love,

Kevin

----

Dear Kevin,

Oh, I am so glad you’re not mad at me! I was so
afraid that I wouldn’t get a letter back. Its so nice to hear from
you again.

I’m doing well. I’m a secretary at a title
agency. It’s not glamorous or anything, but it pays the bills.
Although it’s not what I would like to be doing, it’s a good job.
They treat me well and I get good benefits.

Congratulations on being a tax accountant. Or
should I send my condolences? I guess it probably depends when you
get this letter, ha ha.

I’m engaged! Larry asked me yesterday! We’ve
been dating for a year, so I was wondering if he might pop the
question.

We’re going to get married in June, which leaves
me no time to plan. I’m stressing out about it.

Congratulations on the baby girl! I’m sure
she’ll be beautiful!

Well, Larry and I are going out to dinner to
celebrate, so I have to go.

Love, Cindy

-----

Dear Cindy,

Sorry it took me so long to write back. Work has
been stressful and taking up all my time, and on top of that, I’ve
had this flu that I just can’t get rid of. I’ve been to the doctor
many times and they keep putting me on antibiotics, but nothing’s
quite strong enough. Apparently it’s a bad flu that’s going
around.

At any rate, I don’t want to be a downer.
Congratulations on your engagement. I hope he treats you well.

Sharon’s pregnancy isn’t going so well. She’s
been really moody and the morning sickness has been really bad. I’m
sure it will all be worth it in the end.

Sorry for cutting this so short, Sharon is
asking me to go to the grocery store for her. Again.

-Kevin

-----

Dear Kevin,

I hope things are going better for you. I hope
you feel better.

Unfortunately, I’m not doing so well either.
Larry left me. You probably will too when you find out.

A week ago, I got in a car accident. The
paramedics rushed me to the hospital. I was pronounced dead on
arrival.

Yes, you read that right, I was dead. The
doctors didn’t make a mistake, I had no heartbeat.

In fact, I phrased that wrong. I am dead. I
guess you could call me a zombie, although I think they’re calling
it “differently animated.”