Breathe With Me (The Breathe Series Book 3) (46 page)

I shake my head again, completely disagreeing with where his thoughts are going. I’ve never been a big ‘diamonds and pearls’ person; simple and meaningful is the way to go.

“Oh my gosh, you’re kidding me,” Alyssa exclaims. “Ooooo, Piper,” she says quietly as Evan sparks up more chatter with Judd and Hayden.

I turn back and forth prepared to answer Evan, yet curious at what Abby is telling Alyssa.
Oh no, she’s telling her about the underwear.
Mortification sweeps over me.

We all take a seat and the chaos of several conversations all at once continues all around me, reminding me of Christmas Day at the cabin and many times this summer when there were a big group of us all clustered together; it makes me anxious and uneasy; maybe it was the wave of memories that hit me a few minutes ago.

“Red roses, huh?” Alyssa’s voice chimes from across the table as a pair of feet subtly kick mine.

I look up, a bit off on my social appetite.

“You ok?” Evan leans to my side.

“Yes…” I answer him, then pull my eyes across the table to Alyssa. “Yes,” I say with a smile. “He did.”
I hope this is all the questions about my gifts.

Alyssa smiles, apparently pleased with my answer, then turns to join in on a conversation between Hayden and Judd.

The night goes by in slow motion, dragging on possibly to torture me or to draw out the turn of mood I’ve felt since we got here. I munch on bread sticks off and on, analyzing it all.
I was happy, on top of the world and blown away with the arrowheads
; my heart thuds on just that thought alone;
then I walked inside, still thrilled to be coming here for the first time…

I pause in my thought process. It’s like I’ll never escape it. The letter surfaces in my mind and I have no earthly reason for thinking about it, but I do; just then every lively thought I’ve had for the night flies right out the window.

“Piper?” Evan says softly, leaning into the table and giving me a concerned stare. “You’re quiet? Is everything ok?”

I quickly grab my napkin, swiping it across my face, then toss it onto my half eaten plate of food.
Doubt I’ll eat anymore.

“Yeah,” I assure him as I push off from the table to stand. “I think I might use the restroom. I’m just feeling a little…” I give him a regretful look, knowing I may ruin his night if I don’t get this in check. “Just a little off for some reason. I think I’m just tired. I’ll be back.”

“Ok,” he speaks softly, hesitant as if he’s blaming himself.

“Oh, wait…Piper…I’ll go with you.” Abby hops up and flies around the table to join me just as I give one last reassurance to Evan.

“I’m alright, really.” I smile, before joining Abby.

Five minutes later, my eyes are closed as my hands press against the cool flat surface of the granite counter, chanting to myself.
Breathe, Piper, Breathe. What is going on with me?

I take a deep rejuvenating breath, my shoulders rise and my diaphragm tightens as I draw it in and slowly release.
Breathe.
Opening my eyes, my sight blurs with remnants of that night. The mirror, the reflection of me standing there in only my t-shirt and skinned up knees and hands, pale white in fear and nauseous. I’ve got to get past this…I have to, but every little thing takes me back to that day; back to square one. I squeeze my eyes closed with a pool of tears building behind them.

A swish of the toilet being flushed behind me brings me back to my senses and I instantly jerk my eyelids open as Abby flings the stall door forward, looking down at her feet.

She looks up, right at me as she straightens her dress in the back. “Toilet paper check,” she laughs. “I just know everyone would let me march down the street with it hanging out of the back of my dress or stuck to my shoe.”

Scrunching my brows at her joke, I give her a hint of a grin before looking back down to the sink.

“Especially Evan, right?” she chuckles again then pauses, sitting back against the counter so that she can face me. “Hey, did that gift make you nervous?”

I look up quickly, a little taken aback by her question.
Why would the story and memory about the arrowheads make me nervous; that was amazing of him.

“The strawberry underwear…” she points out the obvious, which I clearly did not even think of. “You know, since you really haven’t had a whole lot of…” Abby trails off, but she has my attention now.

She’s my best friend and although I have pointed out to her that Chris and I never went all the way and never so much as played around, as I also did when she asked if I fooled around with Tyler this summer, I have not told her everything. I have kept a lot to myself and don’t indulge in much talk about sex and hot guys, and Abby has always got that about me. Granted, she does know that I lost my virginity to Evan. I needed someone to talk to after all that; the end of that day didn’t go like I had hoped and I had to play my depression off to everyone as something. Going all the way for the first time was all I had to give as an excuse and I hated even sharing that with anyone. After what Mitch said that day, I felt so violated. My body tenses and I cringe, regretting even going down this road.

“Piper?!”

Her voice shakes me out of my trance and I flinch, my shoulders jerking and jostling my upper body.

“What’s going on? You have been in la-la-land all night.”

Taking a deep breath, I drop my head and peer down at the sink, gazing at the browns and grays swirled through the granite in an untamed pattern.
What’s wrong with me she’s asking. What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking about so much tonight?
I should be living this night up with a smile that could outmatch anyone’s; I’m here with Evan, I got roses from someone other than Dad, he gave me the most prized present anyone could ever think of and I’m surrounded by all my friends; life should be grand.

“I don’t mean to pry, but you haven’t been real talkative on the whole thing…have you two done anything? I mean, besides just the basic messing around or did it go back to how you guys were when you were younger?” Abby flexes her jaw as I look her in the eyes, concentrating on figuring it out myself.

It’s all the stupid memories of that day. The fear of finding out how Mitch knew. Hesitation of whether I can get through and enjoy later tonight without it ending in tears. It’s a flood of overwhelming emotion from all the wonderfulness of this day, and it may even be a bit of nervousness brought on by considering to actually wear those stupid, red underwear and how that means Evan will get them off.
A buzz of exhilaration zips through my entire body starting at my toes, zapping up my inner thighs, swirling through my belly with a kick of flutters, causing an extra hundred beats of my heart and making my head spin with visions of him somewhere I’ve never imagined before.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but…”

I snap out of it fast on her words, remembering her comment about me being in la-la-land only moments ago.
What the hell; she’s my best friend, if I can’t talk to her, I’ll never be able to talk to anyone.

Sucking in the deepest breath of courage I’ve ever taken, I turn and lean against the counter with my hands tightly clasped in front of me as a sort of barrier for my nervousness and the threat of a possible emotional outburst.

“Ok, well…” I suck in another mouthful of air, slowly releasing it before speaking again. “At first we just kissed. Well actually for the first month, that’s all we did.”

“Wow, you’re disciplined,” Abby says in an exasperated tone.

I may be in a sharing mood, but I’m not sure I’m ready to take a trip all the way to the beginning of memory lane. That’s a dark road; I’ll just stick to the present.

I snicker a little and continue, “Well, I’ve always been sort of cautious in that department, you know that,” I spit out so matter-of-factly as if she knows the whole story. All I told her years ago is that I had nightmares when I was a kid that made me have the blackout. In a sense she knows what happened, kind of, just in a simulated sort of way. “But the other week we did end up…” I look her dead in the eyes, suddenly uncomfortable to say the word sex out loud, like it’s such a dirty word; only with Evan it’s not. I still can’t say it.

“Ohhhh, wow. So you two had sex again for the first time since…” Abby looks down, squinting her eyes as she quickly calculates. “…since you were what? Sixteen or so?”

I nod.

“And?” She nudges her chin forward, hope and curiosity all over her face.

Stumbling inside to figure out what she could want to know, my mind comes to a screeching halt.
This is Abby; she’s the female equivalent of a smartass male…basically Evan with a vagina.

Half stuttering, I blurt out, “Oh, yeah it was good…it was great…I mean wow, but…” I throw the but in there causing Abby’s eyes to widen and her jaw to tense. “No, it was amazing, but I ended up crying afterwards because I was so nervous and scared, but excited and wanting to so bad at the same time. I don’t know, I guess I just got overwhelmed with it all, plus then I thought about those nightmares I had when I was a kid…”

“Did you black out?” Abby interrupts.

“No,” I say quietly, lowering my voice as if we have an audience. “I was fine during, I just was partly relieved that it was over, afterwards, yet so happy that I didn’t blackout, then excited that it was him there…” I shut up quickly, almost saying too much…but would that be so awful? Shouldn’t I just tell her?
I was molested…
I cringe, a huge knot forming in my stomach and every muscle in my body stiffens.
Or was I raped? Maybe raped sounds less wrong or God, I don’t know how to do this. What if she looks at me like I’m sick or twisted or gross or…?

“Piper?”

I dart my attention back to her.

“You zoned out there for a second again.”

Breathing in and out calmly to brush off all the anxiety that is rising in my conscience, I take a turn from my earlier thinking.
I’ll tell her, just not now.
I need to brush this off, enjoy tonight and start the healing process tomorrow. Opening my mouth, I decide to elaborate and redeem Evan’s bedroom skills. I’m sure she is wondering why the hell I would cry about an eight-year-old dream when I’m making out with the one guy I’ve longed for and missed all these years. Just as my words hit my tongue, Abby speaks up again.

“Ok, you are my best friend and I need to know the truth.” Abby stands defiantly with her shoulders firm and straight, and her face dead serious; my heart sinks. “What happened to you back then and don’t tell me it was a dream?”

I breath in and out and in and out, my chest and pulse accelerating with what she wants to know.
Why is she asking this?
I rationalized that she probably is skeptical by now about the dream story, but she can’t be asking this.
Why would she? Not now, not tonight. I can’t get into this here.
Fisting my hands together, I think and think and think.
What can I say? How do I get out of this and come back to it at another time?

“I know back when we were younger and you had your first black out spell in front of me, you said you had nightmares about someone coming into your bed at night and raping you, and of course I believed you, but is that really all there is?” Concern and pain laces her every word.
She’s just trying to be a good friend.
“I saw how hard every one of those black out spells were on you and even how you seemed to lock up when guys got too close to you, but something just doesn’t add up. You know a dream isn’t real, so why haven’t you got past it after all these years and why on earth would it affect you with Evan? I mean, you trust him and you know he would never hurt you…”

My head is spinning and I just want her to stop. “Ok! Just stop!” I shout, huffing out breath after breath till I feel as if I might hyperventilate.

“I’m sorry, Piper,” she whispers in a gentle voice that manages to calm me a little and bring me back down from my escalating adrenaline rush. “I just want to be here for you and if you’re holding back, you need to talk to someone.”

Listening to the sweetness and need to be there for me tone in her voice of wanting to be there for me, I lean back against the counter not even aware that I had bolted forward when I yelled. My shoulders relax and I open my lungs to another heap full of air as I suck in and back out, hoping it will have a peaceful effect on me. Silence stretches out. Abby looks startled by my outburst and now I have absolutely no clue what to say. I search the room, desperate to move forward and get back to normal girl gab. My eyes land on her purse hanging from her shoulder.

“It’s ok, really,” I assure her. “Hey, can I borrow your lip gloss. I left mine at the table.” I try my best to be cheery and give her a big smile, a fake, say-cheese sort of one. “I need to make sure to look hot for later, ya know?” I wink as she digs in the front pocket of her bag and hands me a pink cylinder container with set of lips painted across the front; I pinch it between my fingers and spin around, thankful for the distraction. “Thanks.”

After unscrewing the applier, I pluck it out with a moist suction noise, pout my lips and bring the soft spongy tip to my bottom lip.

“Besides, during Christmas break when you blacked out with Chris,” Abby pushes forward; I cringe and continue to focus on making my lips shine as she goes on, “…after Evan had woke you up…well I walked him out and we started to discuss how it happens. He more than confirmed my suspicions. I’ve wanted to ask you about it ever sin…”

As soon as the words are out of Abby’s mouth every fraction of my body ices over and freezes. I stare forward, my hearing shut off and my hand a block of ice still holding the lip gloss to my lips. I can’t even feel the beat of my own heart, yet slowly a tidal wave of tremors begins to come over me beginning in my hands. Ferocity festers in my veins as if I am standing right back on that dock, against the door of the shower house as Mitch fires bomb after bomb right into my soul over a memory that is so violating that it’s as if he’s making it happen again.
How could he?!

The lip gloss falls to the marble counter with a clank. Before I can think to put one foot in front of the next, my body is in over drive. The handle of the bathroom door is in my hand and I seriously am not sure when I crossed the room. All that is on my mind is putting this to rest.
Why would he discuss this with someone without confronting me first?