BWWM Interracial Romance 3: Family Heart (5 page)

Logan noticed that he and Jessica didn’t seem to be seeing as much of each other as they had been; somehow they had gone from meeting up and spending time together with increasing frequency to seeing each other maybe once or twice a week—and a few times, they didn’t see each other at all. He knew that Jessica was busy; he was rarely free himself, between the business he ran and the responsibility of taking care of Zachary. But it seemed like there was something wrong, although he couldn’t quite put his finger on what. Whenever they were together, Jessica was still loving—and their sex was still great—but there was something different about her, something she seemed to be hiding from him. Logan thought to himself that maybe she was just still working through some of her grief over losing her boyfriend. It had been one thing to hear the story from Gail, but quite another to hear from Jessica herself. Logan could only imagine how painful it had been; while he had divorced Rosanna because of the combination of her cheating and their basic inability to get along, he had been more angry than devastated.

He felt guilty that he hadn’t introduced Jessica to Zachary as yet—part of the reason was that he didn’t want to introduce his son to anyone he was dating until he was absolutely certain that the relationship had a future. While Logan knew that he was in love with Jessica, he wasn’t sure of her feelings towards him, or even whether their feelings for each other would last. Part of what weighed on him was also his concerns over the fact that Rosanna had been acting so strangely—in comparison to how their relationship had been—in the past few months, ever since shortly before he had started dating Jessica. There was something different about his ex-wife, something he was curious about, even though he told himself that people rarely ever really changed. Rosanna’s appearance at his door during one of his dates with Jessica had been invasive; in the months before, she never would have driven out to the house like that, just because he hadn’t answered his phone. And he knew that Rosanna knew he was seeing someone. It had just been her trying to stick her nose into his life, to find out who he was dating.

Logan knew he wasn’t being entirely fair to Jessica, in thinking about his ex-wife. He hadn’t seriously thought about her in a romantic sense, but he thought that it would be good for Zachary to see his father and mother comfortable together, able to enjoy each other’s company. They had struggled not to pull their young son into the divorce proceedings, not to make him feel as though he had to take sides. Logan knew that Rosanna had her own issues with him; he had heard chapter and verse about it during their meetings as they worked out the terms of their divorce. But it seemed as though Rosanna wanted to put that behind them, and as if she wanted to show that she had changed.

Logan had just gotten home from work—he left a few minutes early not only to beat the traffic, but also to give himself time to shower and change—when his phone rang. It was Jessica. “Hey, babe!” he said as soon as the call connected. “I was just about to jump in the shower. Can’t wait to see you.”

“Hey, Logan,” Jessica said in response, her voice low and husky with fatigue. “I’m not going to be able to make it out tonight. I’m just too exhausted.” Logan sat down on the couch, feeling deflated.

“Well of course if you’re tired, you should get some rest.” Logan chewed his bottom lip. “I could come by and bring you some dinner, save you the trouble.”

“That’s okay; I think I’m just going to go straight to bed. I’m so sorry, Logan—I know you were looking forward to tonight.” Logan reassured Jessica that he understood, and that her well-being was important to him—he didn’t want her to feel like she should go out if she was too exhausted. Jessica thanked him and told him she loved him, and then she was gone—the call disconnected. Logan looked down at his phone for a moment. He had been looking forward to the date; not only because he enjoyed spending time with Jessica, and could never quite get enough. But it had been an exclusive event—Jessica, being on the editorial staff at the
Texan
, had gotten an invitation to the opening of a new exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts.

Since they had started seeing each other, they’d gone on a few such dates, which Jessica initially had brushed off as “working dates” with embarrassment. But her position gave her access to the high society life in the city; she had even brought him to the Petroleum Club one evening for an event that the magazine was covering. The fact that Jessica was canceling one date didn’t bother Logan, but it was becoming a pattern; he had to wonder just what was wrong, why she was pulling away. They hadn’t talked about their future together—whether they had one, what it might look like—but Logan was waiting for Jessica to bring it up. He knew that the fact that he had a child, that he was nearly a single parent to Zachary, would put a lot of people off; and he knew that he still had unfinished business when it came to his ex-wife. But he counted on Jessica to broach the topic if she wanted to talk about it; he was trying to go at her pace. For her to pull away, to cool things off between them without even discussing what might be bothering her was not like the woman he thought he knew.

Logan’s phone rang again, and in the instant before he looked down at the screen, he hoped it would be Jessica, calling back to say that she was going to make it out after all, that she would come by his house in an hour or so. He would even be happy to hear that she wanted him to come by with dinner for her after all. Instead, it was Rosanna. Logan hesitated for a moment as the phone rang again, wondering if he really wanted to take the call. He decided that, since his plans for the night had been canceled, he might as well answer it. “Hey, Rosie,” he said, sitting back.

“Hey Logan,” Rosanna replied. “You busy tonight?” Logan smiled ruefully.

“I was… but my plans got canceled.” Rosanna made a sympathetic sound.

“Seems like your new girlfriend is cancelling on you a lot. What’s going on?” Logan shrugged.

“I don’t know. What’s going on with you?” Rosanna sighed.

“Home alone. Feeling lonely. Since we’ve both struck out on romance tonight, wanna come over, have a couple of beers?” Logan hesitated. He scrubbed at his face. He knew that there was nothing really wrong with visiting his ex-wife—they had a child together, they needed to get along, at least a little bit—but he felt guilty nonetheless. But Jessica had canceled on him; and it wasn’t as though he was going to do anything other than have a couple of beers and talk. “I made your favorite casserole,” Rosanna added, her voice wheedling.

“I’ll be over in a little while. I need to grab a shower.”

Jessica looked at her phone for a long moment after she hung up, fighting the urge to call Logan back and take back what she had said. She hadn’t wanted to cancel on their date, but as the day had gone on, she’d found herself feeling more and more uncertain about the date; she found herself dreading seeing him. She was consumed with guilt she couldn’t quite shake over the fact that she was so deeply in love with Logan—and she couldn’t make herself stop thinking of the beautiful woman that Logan had divorced, the fact that he hadn’t even talked to her about meeting his son, or what their future might be. She didn’t want to break up with him, but she couldn’t bring herself to go out with Logan when she was feeling so miserable.

It isn’t his fault,
she thought dully, pushing the phone away and curling up in her bed. She knew it wasn’t. Her insecurity, her guilt and grief, were all in her own mind. Since she had started dating Logan, Jessica had been spending fewer nights working overtime; she had more time to herself, and more time to think. In spite of the fact that she felt more and more strongly for Logan every day, she couldn’t forget Evan, and what they could have had together. If Evan hadn’t died, would they have gotten engaged? Would she be planning her wedding—the way her younger sister was doing? She might even have gotten pregnant. Jessica hadn’t been ready for any of those things when Evan had been ripped out of her life by the accident, but once he was gone, the only thing she could think about was how much of a comfort it would have been to have had something of him—something more than the sweater he’d left in her room, the jewelry he’d given her, material possessions that reminded her of him but which didn’t have his soul, his spark.

When she and Logan had reached the two month mark, Jessica had tried to throw away the things she’d had of Evan’s, reasoning that the only way she could really commit herself to Logan would be to remove all reminders of the man she had loved before. She had gathered up all of the things that Evan had left behind in her life, put them in a box… but she hadn’t been able to make herself get rid of them. Even without the spark of Evan’s life in them, they were the only things she had to show for the relationship that had made her so happy. Her mother had suggested putting them in the attic, waiting for distance and time to do the work. “If you can go a few months without thinking about them, without missing them in your room, then you’ll know you’re ready to get rid of them for good.” Gail had even offered to take them from Jessica’s house herself, to donate what could be used by someone else and throw everything else away without Jessica having to be the one to make the final call. The box had gone to the attic, but Jessica had remained aware of it up there, like poking a bruise that wouldn’t quite fade.

Jessica reached out blindly for her phone, thinking to call Logan. She knew she shouldn’t be alone; even if she didn’t go out to the museum opening, she could invite Logan over and she knew that he would hold her, cuddle with her, even bring her food—he wouldn’t ask any questions about why she had canceled, and he would talk to her in that sweet, affectionate voice, soothing and calming her. But at the last moment her hand faltered. He wouldn’t ask her any questions, he wouldn’t make any demands of her, but Jessica knew that her feelings would persist. She wouldn’t be able to stay soothed and comfortable all night—she’d wonder why he wasn’t saying anything. Jessica pulled the blankets on her bed over her head, and buried her face against the pillow. She would have to get through her pain and misery on her own; it wasn’t fair to subject Logan to her mental state.

Rosanna was true to her word; she had a cold beer and Logan’s favorite chicken and rice casserole waiting for him when he arrived at her house. “I wouldn’t think you’d be suffering from loneliness,” he’d said as he started in on dinner, his mind fleetingly wondering what he might be having for dinner if Jessica hadn’t canceled their date. Rosanna shrugged.

“It’s not as easy as I thought to get a boyfriend. Guess I’m getting old.” She sat down and scooped some of the casserole onto a plate, picking at it while she took a sip of her beer. “Ever since that asshole and I broke up, it’s been slim pickings.” Logan smiled ruefully.

“You really thought it would be easy?” Rosanna shrugged.

“Hey, I’m cute. I figured it shouldn’t be that hard to get a guy into me.” Logan chuckled, taking a swallow of beer to cool the still-hot casserole in his mouth.

“It isn’t just about cute, you know.” Rosanna nodded slowly.

“I know,” She sighed. “I just never thought I’d end up lonely after everything. You know, I really thought it would work out great with that asshole. It was a big mistake. The worst mistake of my life.” Rosanna looked at him steadily. “I threw away everything. And for what?” Logan shrugged.

“My understanding was that you threw it away because—what was his name?—Jaxon made you feel exciting and sexy, unlike me.” Rosanna smiled wryly.

“I was going through a phase. I get that now. It was just a lot to deal with—working, being a mom… I felt like I had settled down too soon.” Logan took another bite of casserole and chewed it meditatively. “I know I was wrong from beginning to end. I get it now.” Rosanna paused and sighed. “Let’s change the subject. What’s been going on at work lately?”

After they’d both eaten their fill of the casserole, Logan and Rosanna each grabbed another beer and adjourned to the living room, talking about what was going on in their lives, telling stories about their separate times with Zachary. It was oddly comfortable, Logan thought as the beer made him sleepy. Rosanna wasn’t the way that she had been when they had broken up—she was softer. And the fact that she was willing to admit that she’d made a mistake in ruining their marriage had to mean that she was changing—didn’t it? Logan told himself firmly not to get his hopes up. Rosanna had fired the first shots, but he knew well enough that there were deeper problems in their marriage, that her cheating had only been a symptom—not the sole cause of their divorce. But it was refreshing to see her acting like the woman he had fallen in love with: funny, carefree, and happy to be around him. Not blaming him for being a few minutes late to drop Zachary off, or rolling her eyes at him over something he was excited about.

Time got away from him, and before Logan knew it, it was close to midnight. “I’d better head for home,” he said, stretching against tight muscles in his back and shoulders. “My parents will be dropping Zac off early in the morning.” Rosanna reached out and grabbed his hand, stopping him just as he was about to stand up.

“You don’t have to go,” she said, looking at him with hope and guilt in her pale eyes. “You could stay here—besides, you’ve been drinking and you’re tired, it’s not safe.” Logan sighed, realizing that—although he wasn’t drunk—he was probably not in the best shape to drive. He wasn’t in his early twenties anymore; he had a son to think of. Even though the drive wasn’t a long one, it didn’t make sense to take risks.