Challenge: A Contemporary MMA Romance: Oni Fighters Book 3 (26 page)

“Exactly!” A little relief seeped into my soul. Xander got it.

There was a lingering silence between us again.

“You know you can’t run from this one though, don’t you, mate? And you definitely can’t go fucking some random. You’ve made your bed, now you need to lie in it.”

Made my bed
. If ever there was a fear inducing thought for a guy like me.

“Why didn’t she tell me?”

I watched Xander toy with my question and I wasn’t sure whether he was actually going to answer.

“To be certain you’re going to have to ask her that one yourself. Although, I think I have a fair idea.”

“What?” The speed I dived on that, surprised me.

Xander shook his head as if to say, “
I can’t believe you haven’t figured this
.” Maybe I was just slow when it came to women? I knew how to pleasure them, but that was about all, I was beginning to realise.

“She’s just as scared as you are Seth. Probably more so. You’ve created personal security, through your assets and career. She’s really only got her family at this stage. She’s given her heart to you and now she’s shit scared you’re going to run, push her away. Soph’s been thrown into a situation where all her plans have been flushed down the toilet. Think about what’s happened to her in the last few months. You two were fooling around, although I think it was a lot more and you were both too pig-headed to realise it, regardless what you both say. Sophia, maybe not so much. Then, you go and just about write yourself off in the crash, she doesn’t even know why yet.”

Way to make me feel even worse Xan!

“She managed that like a real trooper but it had to take a toll. Then, she loses her job, essentially because of her need to take care of you. Sure, she had a longer term plan but losing her job fucked with the timing, her thinking and her financial security. Then, just when you two seem to be getting your shit together, she finds out she’s pregnant. Oh, and I missed the fact she’s training for her first serious fight. And you’ve been essentially bed ridden for the last couple of months and not particularly a model patient. Even now, you’re running at half speed. Have I missed anything? Nope, brother, nothing going on in her life. Nothing to keep her up at night worrying. And do I need to mention that you hardly have a track record of embracing relationships.”

When he put it like that…

I felt even worse.

“Do you agree with me, Seth? I’m just giving you my opinion. You’re the one in the relationship with her.”

“Still doesn’t excuse the fact she lied to me,” I mumbled. That seemed to be the only thing I had to cling to.

“No, it doesn’t. That’s on her and I think she already took responsibility for it. You’re both scared.”

God, I hated that he could be so damned logical sometimes. I chewed over that for a while.

“How do you feel about the baby?”

I flattened my hips against the mats and began to bounce my feet. I needed to escape again. The demons were gnawing at my guts.

A kid.

That meant commitment. Responsibility.

“I’m not sure I’m going to be any good at this.”

“Why do you say that? You’re great with the kids you teach at Onigashima.”

“There not mine, besides, I suck at commitment and stuff.”

“Why do you think that?”

“My family sucks and I’ve never even had a proper relationship, you said that yourself. This one’s a record and what’s it officially been, six weeks, and the future isn’t looking too hot for it’s success right now.”

Xander had that frown on his face and was shaking his head again. “You’re not very good at seeing your strong points, are you?”

Strong points? I actually had some of those? Right now, I knew I was really good at screwing shit up.

“Seth, you’re great at commitment and responsibility in most cases.”

“Huh? What the fuck are you talking about? Don’t start blowing sunshine up my arse, mate.”

“Fuck, you can be frustrating. I have no idea how Soph puts up with you,” Xander gritted out. “You must sure be good between the sheets, because by God, you can be super dense sometimes.”

“For fucks sake, Xander, stop talking in riddles. And yes, I am awesome between the sheets. It makes up for my other character flaws. Just tell me, all right! My head’s totally fucked up already. I can’t figure the hell out what you’re talking about,” I grouched, getting totally pissed off with this whole talking business. I was all about the action. This talking was for the birds.

“Seth, it’s simple. You’re a freaking commitment hero. Who has two degrees and a masters? Who has a minimum of a black belt or above in six styles in this room? Who has not only trained for but won multiple professional fights. Not to mention the commitment you show to me every time I have a prep. I’m not even going to touch your investment portfolio because I know it’s going to put mine to shame and I just had a $5 mil payday. You think that shit happens by itself? No.” He was half bellowing at me now in frustration. “It takes a truckload of dedication, commitment, and tenacity.”

He glared at me from the couch. “Bottom line, Seth. If you want to make this work, you have the gumption to do it. Only you can decide if you want to make it happen.”

“You just described yourself, by the way, and you have Ongashima,” I sniggered at him, just a lot embarrassed by all the back handed praise he’d heaped on me.

He grinned. “You’re right. I do have Onigashima. Although, I only have black or above in five styles. So, you’ve got me there. One thing I do trump you in though, is the relationship stakes. I’m the one that has a Sommers sister with a ring on her finger. Best decision I ever made. It’s up to you what you do about that one. It’s probably also worth mentioning you might want to think about what role you want in your kid’s life right about now. That will probably give you some clues to what you should do next.”

Why was everyone talking marriage? I didn’t even want kids, did I?

“So, you think I should marry her too?”

The look on his face said he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t getting this. Maybe I was just slow or was it scared and resisting?

“If you love her, and want to spend the rest of your life with her and your child and any more you might have then, yes, marriage would probably be the logical move to secure that.” Well, when he said it like that…

“And what if I don’t love her?”

“Then, that’s the most difficult path to sort out, because if she has this baby and ends up with someone else, then you’ll have to make your peace with that. You’ll have to be cool with having some other dude having an opinion about your child and a level of influence over her. If you can live with that…”

Regardless how pissed I was at her, the thought of her turning to some other dude sent me a little wild.

Could I live with that?

Right now, I thought not. But was that the primitive, possessive man in me marking my territory and claiming what I thought was mine or was that me truly loving her?

How would I know?

I knew fuck all about love, all I knew was what love could drive you to.

“
W
hy don’t
you stay at home here tonight, love?” Dad suggested. I could understand why, only it didn’t quite feel like home anymore. It did, but it didn’t. I needed to go home, to Seth, and see exactly where we stood, as much as the idea created an agony of fear in my belly.

“I’ll drop you off, Soph,” Eden offered.

Mum and Dad were both bursting with worry as I hugged them goodbye and headed out. It would have been much easier to stay and hide in the security of my family. Only now, my family looked a little different than it had a few months ago and it would likely change into the future as well. That realization felt both strange as well as surreal and exciting.

We climbed into Xander’s truck. “I hate driving this monster,” Eden grumbled.

“Want me to drive?”

“No, I’ll be fine. It’s just massive and I always feel like I’m driving a bulldozer rather than something that belongs on suburban streets.”

Despite her grumbling, Eden managed the monster truck just fine. There was no getting past the truck was sexy and masculine—very much Xander.

She pulled up in front of Seth’s place, or our place, as I thought of it in my mind.

“Are you sure you’re all right? Do you want me to stay for a bit?”

“You can’t fight my battles for me, Eden.”

“No, I can’t, doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” Oh, how I knew that to be true. Eden had proved that already in the bravest way possible and I knew she meant every word she said. She looked uncomfortable as we sat in the vehicle. “Are you really thinking about an abortion?”

My stomach did a flip, then flopped. Abortion seemed like a really easy and clinical solution to an unwanted problem. Initially, I’d thought it was the logical, practical solution. Now, I was far from sure.

The more I thought about it, the more emotional I felt. Babies and logic didn’t seem to go together. Emotion was definitely starting to rule my thinking and I didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing

I still had no idea how I’d even begin to cope as a mother and that was freaking terrifying me.

“It’s not off the table, Edie. Until I speak to Seth…”

She nodded solemnly. “I get why you feel this way, but if you don’t want the baby, I do—we do. I’m not sure I can let you just get rid of him or her.”

Don’t want
…It sounded so callous and harsh. Was that what I was being for considering it?

How did I even respond to that?

My throat started to close up and I swallowed the tears and emotions that were fighting to be let free. “It’s not your decision to make, Eden, and just think of the whole can of worms that would open. If I go through with this, I don’t know if I’ll be a single mum or whether I’ll have Seth.” I took her hand. “Regardless, I know you’ll be the best damned auntie and sister to me and the little one. I couldn’t ask for any more.”

She gave me a smile that said so much. “I love you, little sis. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

That did it—the tears fell free, from my eyes and hers.

“Thanks, Eden, I love you too…even if I hate you sometimes.”

She chuckled through a sniff, completely unoffended by my words. “That’s sisters for you.”

“So ungrateful.”

“No, never that. Just created to try my patience.”

We exchanged one of those long looks that didn’t need words.

“Okay, get out of this beast and go have a shower. I’ll chase your man home if he’s not already on his way.”

“I’m not sure he’s my man anymore, Eden.” There was sadness and longing in my voice. I didn’t care. With Eden, I could be me.

“He’s your man, Soph. He’s just struggling to come to terms with it all, be patient.”

It was good advice, sound advice. I just wanted it to all be over. I wanted the fear to disappear from my belly, I wanted Seth and me to be solid and happy again, and I wanted this child, I wanted us to be a little family…

I did a mental back flip. Had I just thought that?

Did I?

That was where my head was going.

I opened the door in a hurry, racing as much from my own thoughts as anymore tough conversations. “Thanks for the lift, Eden.”

“Just text me if you need anything,” she called.

“Will do,” I hollered as I headed to the front door.

The shower was my first priority after I let myself in. I just felt as if I needed to wash away the day.

He was so angry. Something that he never was.

I stood under the stream for what seemed like hours. When I looked down, I saw the clear definition of my abdominals and thighs. The fight preparation had really started to kick in. For the last two years, I’d been very fit, now I felt honed.

The water clung to my body in droplets; I watched them fall and float away down the drain. My fight had gone down the same drain and I realized I actually didn’t care.

Sure, it would have been an achievement, something to talk about. Was it a burning need? Well, certainly not anymore.

When had my thinking changed?

Stepping into a fight with this mindset was almost certain suicide.

Damn you, Dr. Collins and thank you!

Giving me those images of the baby the way he did was no mistake, I realized now. He did that for maximum impact.

He’d played me and I was actually happy about it.

How did you compare a fight, a sporting event, to a human life? You couldn’t.

For the first time since I’d found out I was pregnant, I moved my hands over my drum tight belly and cradled them to me where my child sat.

It was so surreal. If I hadn’t seen my baby’s heart beating and the pictures, I would never have believed it.

My baby…

Our baby…

Where did that come from?

When did the baby go from being, well, a “thing” in my mind to being a baby—a tiny little human, part of both Seth and me?

Eventually, I turned off the water and toweled off in the ensuite. Then, I did something I never do.

I stood looking at my naked body in the mirror.

Were there any obvious changes?

My nipples had been very sensitive last night. I brought my hands up and covered each breast. I gently tested their weight and focused on the feel.

Yeah, my breasts were definitely larger, harder—I could also see the faint blue lines of a couple of veins. That was new.

When had those changes happened?

Seth had noticed.

“One of my favourite sights—you naked,” Seth said and stepped in behind me. His voice was low and quiet rather than the overt sexual tone he normally rocked; tonight, he was different. His arms came around me and his hands closed over my lower belly.

It was essentially the same as he’d done before inadvertently, only this time, he knew he was cradling his child.

His eyes found mine in the mirror.

Neither of us said anything for a long time. Both of us watched the other and waited. It was a silent game of emotional chicken.

For there to be progress, a chance at a future, someone needed to balk—to start.

How to open a conversation like this?

What did they always say…lead with your trump card.

“I’m sorry.”

When a few seconds passed and he said nothing, the crazy butterflies in my stomach started rehearsing their latest dance routine.

“I should have told you. It was very wrong of me.”

He nodded his head slowly, his yes still not leaving mine.

Holding that eye contact with him was one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life. It felt like this moment was so important to the future.

At last, he spoke in a whispered voice against my ear. “You should have told me.”

I nodded slowly. “I was terrified, Seth, still am. So scared of losing you.”

He dropped a kiss to my shoulder and stepped back, our eyes still holding in the mirror.

The way he did it was so deliberate, I was sure it was “goodbye.”

He was so quiet. So unlike Seth.

My focus blurred as I saw the reflection of my eyes and their expression morph to plead for him not to go.

“Get dressed, Soph. We need to talk.”

That was new. Normally, he would have wanted to take advantage of the fact I was naked.

My heart raced and I felt so disconcerted as I watched him walk from the ensuite with a more pronounced limp to his stride.

I took a deep breath and turned from the mirror. Staring at my face and body was only going to make me more unsettled the longer I stood there. With a strong sense of trepidation, I pulled on the underwear and then the yoga pants and racer back singlet top.

If this was the end, then I might as well get it over with.

Seth was sitting on the lounge with an icepack on his hip. Concern rocked me. Ice meant new injury.

“What happened?”

His head shot up at the sound of my approach and question.

“I got a bit carried away in a bag session at Xander’s. I threw a leg kick when I shouldn’t have.”

I could just imagine what had happened. Xan had taken Seth to his place, no doubt to hit bags and talk. I was envious. The feel of leather against my fists would have probably been quite therapeutic over the last couple of hours.

In fact, I wondered why I hadn’t thought of it before. Then, something dawned on me—I’d hardly given martial arts a second thought since Xander told me in no uncertain terms the fight was not going to happen. That was a shock to me. For the last few years it had been such a big part of my life.

It was as if my mind had simply moved on to my next big focus—the baby and Seth.

“How much damage did you do?”

“Hopefully, not too much. It’s only a little sore when I press it at full range of motion.”

“You were limping before.”

He nodded slightly. “You were paying attention.”

“I always pay attention where you’re concerned.”

I sat down on the other end of the lounge and glanced over at him.

“This is so tough. I don’t know where to start.” He looked exasperated.

“Do you hate me?” I asked in a small voice. Might as well know the worst first, I figured.

His head shot back a little and I could see that he was surprised by my question. “I don’t hate you, but I do hate the fact you lied to me and you didn’t tell me.”

Those two hates hit me like a jab cross punch to the face, I deserved both. While I was reeling from the depth of feeling that evoked, he rolled right on.

“I hate you did those things only a little bit less than what I did the night of the accident.”

Accident!

What?

“You remember?”

He looked very sheepish and remorseful as he nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

This was so incredible.

“How, why…what happened?”

He picked at a loose piece of stitching on the side of his cargo shorts, not quite able to meet my eyes. “When you said the baby was most probably conceived the night of the accident…it just seemed to loosen everything in my head. I’d had a couple of glimpses of strange images that didn’t make sense before. Then, all the gaps filled in earlier and I remembered it all. I wish I didn’t, Soph. It doesn’t paint me in a good picture.”

What had he done?

What could possibly make him feel like this? What could he think was worse than me lying to him?

“After I took you against the wall, we were sitting on the floor. Do you remember that?”

I clearly remember the wall, I vaguely remembered sliding down and sitting in a heap on the floor. I nodded slightly.

“That was the first time you told me, Soph.”

“Told you what?” What could I have said to him that was so catastrophic?

“You found my kryptonite…you told me you loved me.”

I love you!

Love—how could that be someone’s kryptonite?

“I don’t understand.”

“It was those words that did it. I couldn’t face them, what they meant between us, to you. I was too much of a coward. I just had to get out of there. You passed out right after you said it and I ran and I feel so ashamed.”

My mind was trying to wrangle with all of that.

“Are you telling me three little words sent you running from my place that night?”

He nodded, remorse and shame framing his handsome face. “It brought up too much from my past. Stuff I’d promised myself I’d never let hurt me again.”

The shadows shuttered his eyes and I knew. It was about his father and what had happened after the suicide with his mother.

“My father worshipped my mother. When she took away that love, he...” Seth stopped and seemed to stutter over whatever it was. “Couldn’t cope. That was what triggered his suicide.”

I immediately knew there was a lot more to this story and a silence settled between us.

“I heard them arguing the morning it happened. They didn’t know I was up. She kept saying she was leaving him and didn’t love him. Couldn’t love him. Then, later that morning, I found him out in his studio slumped over pills everywhere.”

“Wow.” A long breath left my body. What an awful, awful picture for a little person to have to live through—to see and hear.

No wonder he was terrified of love. He’d lived through first hand the consequences of love gone bad. The last few minutes explained so much. This is why he’d kept holding himself back, cutting himself off from me. Why he’d run.

“I was terrified to risk love or being in love. I couldn’t go through what happened with my parents twice in my life. I just don’t know if I can do it”

He couldn’t go through it.

Where did that leave us?

The realization hit me hard. The baby and I, we’d never have him and anger surged through me.

He was giving up to his fear.

Too scared to even give it a go?

Well, fuck him!

“So, that’s it?”

He looked a little startled. “It broke me, Sophia,” he offered as an explanation.

“We’re all a little broken, Seth. Actually, I’m crumbling here. I’m having a baby I still have no idea how I conceived and I’m not sure whether I’m in or out of a relationship with a guy that could be so wonderful but is too scared to take the chance on what we could have. Instead, he’d prefer to run and never even give it a chance. Fuck you, for not being prepared to take a chance on us. Fuck you, for not being brave enough to face your fears. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew somehow we wouldn’t be enough for you to want to fight your fear for us.”