Daddy's Prisoner (24 page)

Michael and Julie didn’t ask many questions as they looked after me and I didn’t talk about what had happened. As far as they knew, I was a girl who’d lived with her parents too long because she wanted to look after her mother. All I said was that I’d had enough of putting up with The Idiot and Michael understood that. He knew, of course, that Mum and I had been hurt over the years because he hadn’t forgotten what it was like to live with Dad. But both of us had let our secrets close up so tightly that no one wanted to drag them into the light and there was no way I’d ever tell Michael the whole truth because I was sure he’d go after Dad. For Julie and the girls’ sake as well as his own, I couldn’t risk seeing him end up in prison.

It wasn’t just Michael that I wouldn’t confide in, though. From the moment I left his home, I vowed to forget The Idiot. He’d taken too many years from me and I wouldn’t give him any more. I knew I’d never tell anyone the whole truth about what had happened. I wanted to forget it and bury it deep inside me. It was as if it had happened to someone else in another life and for now I just wanted to start living. I still ached for Caitlin but told myself that this was the life she had shown me I could have and I had to live it for her.

The first thing Michael and Julie did was introduce me to all the family I’d never known. I knew several of Dad’s family and had met Mum’s nephew, Sam, and a few other relatives when we had lived with Michael in 1990. But now I met other relatives from Mum’s side for the first time and there were so many of them – men and women with partners and kids – who piled into Michael and Julie’s living room, opened bottles and started chatting. I don’t think they were quite sure what to make of me at first because they couldn’t understand why they’d never met me.

‘I lived with my parents,’ I explained.

‘But why did you never come to visit Michael?’

‘My mum was ill. I had to look after her.’

They didn’t ask any more questions and I was glad they just accepted me into the group. To begin with, those nights seemed strange to me because I’d never done anything like that before and I sat quietly listening to everyone bantering with each other. I didn’t understand their jokes. It didn’t sound like fun to me as they took the micky out of each other and laughed. But I slowly learned this was what real families did because it showed affection. My new relatives were a bit rough and tough for sure but they were kind and fun. A family.

It wasn’t the only new thing I was experiencing. From getting out of bed at whatever time I wanted, to deciding what to eat for my tea, each day was full of decisions I had never made before. I was twenty-seven and it scared me to be so free but Michael and Julie were very patient. The first few times I collected my benefit money, Julie took me to the shops and I blew every penny on clothes. I bought underwear, trousers and tops, my first ever coat and even a pair of shoes with a little heel. I’d only ever worn trainers and felt so smart in my new shoes. I also couldn’t believe all the cosmetics that were on sale. The Idiot hadn’t even bought Mum and me toothpaste or sanitary towels half the time and now I had deodorant and perfume, moisturiser and even an anti-wrinkle cream.

I went to the pub and tried a glass of wine, visited a fast food restaurant and ordered a burger and went to see a children’s film at the cinema – I’d only ever been once before when I was about fifteen and went with Michael. But the thing I loved most was looking after my nieces. I didn’t know them that well when I first moved in because Julie had had a mother’s intuition and never trusted Dad so she hadn’t brought them to visit us much. But I soon got to know them and loved helping her look after the girls. It felt safe because it reminded me of the kids and Caitlin. I couldn’t get enough of Paula and Jacqueline’s happy, lively faces. In the mornings, I’d get up with them, sort out their breakfasts and walk them to school. Later on in the day, I’d pick them up and stop to let them play in the park on the way home without worrying about the clock. At weekends, we’d all go out together and do things. Each day with them amazed me.

But however much I tried to forget the past, I couldn’t ignore it completely. I still thought a lot about Caitlin as I missed her desperately and couldn’t stop wondering how Mum was. I knew I’d done what I had to do but felt so guilty about leaving her. When I closed my eyes I’d see her face as I said goodbye – she looked so sad and lost – and the day after arriving at Michael’s, I sent a birthday card saying: ‘Love you, miss you, see you soon.’ I didn’t know if she’d got it because I didn’t hear anything from her. Maybe The Idiot had hurt her so badly she couldn’t pick up the phone or maybe he was just being even more controlling now I’d gone. I tried calling her a few times but The Idiot always picked up the phone and hung up the moment he realised it was me. The only way I got any news of her was through Michael because when The Idiot finally stopped screaming abuse about me down the phone at him, my brother would ask after Mum.

‘Maybe I should leave,’ I said one day after another of Dad’s phone calls. ‘I don’t want to make trouble for you and you know what he’s like.’

‘You’re not going anywhere,’ Michael told me. ‘You’re staying with us and that’s final – no matter how much he moans about it.’

‘But what if he comes here? What about Julie and the girls?’

‘He won’t. Trust me. You’re safe.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I’m a big boy now, Alice. I can handle him.’

‘But you know what he’s like.’

‘Yes, I do and I know he won’t show his face here. I’ve got too many friends who’d see to him.’

I told myself that Michael would know if anything terrible happened to Mum because he’d hear about it when Dad phoned. But I couldn’t stop thinking of her and knew that if I wanted any kind of contact with Mum, I’d have to speak to or see The Idiot just as Michael had done for all these years. The thought terrified me but I knew I couldn’t completely abandon Mum even though I’d left. She needed me and I still wanted to do whatever I could to help.

A few weeks after I ran away, I asked my cousin Sam to take me home to pick up some of my things. I was sure that as long as I was with someone, The Idiot would never try to hurt me. I’d seen what he was like over all those years – he only tortured me behind closed doors. But by the time Sam and I got to the flat, I was trembling with fear as we knocked on the door and Mum opened it.

‘Alice!’ she exclaimed.

She looked so pale and drawn as I stepped forward to give her a hug.

‘Hello, Mum,’ I said, and put my arms around her.

But in that instant, The Idiot started shrieking. Hiding in the shadows of the flat, he must have heard Mum say my name.

‘Shut the fucking door,’ he barked. ‘Get her out of here otherwise I’ll come after her myself. She’s made her choice and now she’s dead to us.’

Without a word, Mum pulled away from me.

‘Please,’ I cried. ‘Just a minute.’

But the door slammed shut and, as I stared at it, I wondered how I’d ever get to see Mum again. A few weeks later Michael found out she was in hospital and we both knew The Idiot would only take it out on her if I went to visit. Michael tried but got turned away because Dad had instructed that no one was to see Mum. It was just as I’d feared: The Idiot might have lost me but he was still going to punish Mum to get back at me. I had no idea when or if I’d see her again. Mum had been everything to me for so long, the reason I’d stayed for all those years, and it felt like I’d lost my best friend now she wasn’t with me.

Three months after I left home, I moved out of Michael’s flat. I’d just turned twenty-eight and felt scared of going it alone but knew it was time to start relying on myself. I’d spent so long being controlled that I had to learn how to live my own life now. Michael arranged for me to move in with one of my new relatives in a flat up the road from my cousin Sam because he wanted people around to keep an eye on me. I decided that I’d let myself settle in to my new home before finding out about things like going to college and taking some exams or finding a job and working like Michael. There were so many possibilities which had opened up to me now I was free.

Free.

I kept saying the word in my head because I could hardly believe it. After all those years, I was finally rid of The Idiot and each morning when I woke up in my new room, I reminded myself how lucky I was. Michael had painted the bedroom for me and put down a laminate floor. It was so clean and new – all mine – and now I had the beginnings of a real life including a place to live and some friends.

After moving into the flat, I saw a lot of Sam and his girlfriend. I’d grown close to them and enjoyed spending the evening at their flat watching TV. They had loads of friends and, although I still kept myself to myself a lot, there was one in particular who caught my attention. He was called Steven and I met him when Sam invited me over to have a drink to celebrate my new home.

At first I thought Steven was a bit annoying, to be honest. Always making jokes and bumping his leg into mine as we sat on the sofa, he was five years younger than me and seemed so cocky. But when I got up to leave at the end of the night, he offered to see me safely home and as we got to my front door, it was obvious that he had other ideas when I turned to say goodnight.

‘Can I have a cup of tea?’ he asked cheekily.

‘All right then, but just a quick one,’ I replied as I walked into the flat.

And then the strangest thing happened, something that I didn’t expect at all. Steven kissed me as we stood in the hallway and suddenly I felt tingly, excited and scared all at the same time. When I pulled away from him, he followed me into the living room and sat down on the sofa beside me.

‘I’d like to kiss you again,’ he said.

‘Why?’

‘Because I like you, Alice,’ he replied with a laugh.

My head was rushing as he bent towards me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was in my own flat, able to do whatever I wanted and for the first time in my life I could let a man kiss me without knowing I’d be beaten for it later on. So when Steven asked if he could spend the night, I said yes. I knew it was too quick, I knew I wasn’t ready and felt scared as we lay down together. But more than anything I wanted to know what it was like to feel normal – I’d spent so long dreaming of it and now was my chance to find out.

Of course, when I woke up in the morning I couldn’t believe what I’d done and felt scared all over again. But Steven kept coming back to see me even though I’d told him I wouldn’t sleep with him again. After all the years of being told by The Idiot that men were after just one thing, I was sure he would soon lose interest. But Steven seemed happy to be my friend because he talked to me and showed an interest in my life; when he held my hand, he didn’t pressurise me.

I was still convinced, though, that one day he’d want to take things further again and it terrified me because the night we’d spent together had shown me I’d never be like normal women. I’d frozen when Steven had touched me in a certain way or turned away when he’d used familiar words and memories of The Idiot had run through my head. Steven, though, didn’t know what was hidden inside me and continued to phone and visit. After going away for a week, he arrived back to tell me how much he’d missed me and I felt wanted for the first time in my life. As the weeks passed and we got to know each other better, I felt comfortable enough to sleep with him again and soon we were in a relationship together.

I almost couldn’t believe what had happened: in just a few months I’d got a boyfriend and a flat – the kind of things most people take for granted but to me were more precious than I could ever have imagined. But however kind and gentle Steven was, I didn’t relax physically with him and, although I tried to explain a little about my past, I couldn’t tell him everything. All I said was that my dad had been violent and not looked after his kids well. I just wanted Steven to have some idea about what had happened to me so that he might understand that it wasn’t him who made me freeze in bed but my memories.

‘Let’s just take it easy, day by day,’ Steven told me when I sobbed out a tiny bit of the truth of my past.

He was as good as his word: patient and tender, reassuring and kind, and slowly I started to relax. We went out for walks or to the shops, visited friends and relatives together just like other couples I saw around me. It felt as if my life was finally beginning.

But then something happened which changed everything. It was a couple of months after meeting Steven when I made myself a cup of coffee one morning and was violently sick afterwards. I didn’t think much about it – just as I didn’t realise my period was late. After all the years of counting down the days and hours each month with Dad, I enjoyed not living in fear now. But when a couple of weeks went by and my period still didn’t arrive, I knew I couldn’t ignore what was happening any more and went to the doctor. When she confirmed what I already knew, I felt scared but almost excited as well.

Maybe deep down, I’d wanted to get pregnant to prove that I could have the family I’d dreamed of; maybe I’d taken chances with Steven because part of me was sure I would never have another baby; maybe I just wanted to be like other women. I’m not sure how it happened but the moment I heard those words, I knew I’d have the baby. I’d love this child and give it the life that Caitlin hadn’t had. Besides, how could I get rid of a baby whose father I was falling in love with?

Whatever my feelings though, I was sure that Steven wouldn’t be able to handle the news. We’d only just met each other, it was all so new and he was only twenty-three – too young to handle such a big responsibility. I’d have to do this alone but I was determined to because I wanted to make something of my life and what better way was there of doing that than having a baby?