Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (10 page)

I will never own a child, whether my “own” biologically or not. I don't want to. Yet the urge is there, clearly. Mine! Savor the word… Are children ever 'ours'? 

My daughter, my son, I'm starting to understand, to emotionally understand how parents feel, and I don't like the sensation a bit. It binds our wish, need, desire to procreate to our hunter-gatherer instinct of collecting things, of gathering trinkets, of ownership. It's part of what made humanity so successful, but it's also what constantly keeps humanity at the brink of extinction, constantly at each other's throats, because we long for what the others have, or in the words of Gollum: “my precious, wants it, needs it…”

In an ideal world, we would love all children as our own. We would all help and pitch in and raise all children. If someone was inadequate, someone else would provide a home for those children, and kids would feel loved by and connected to not just one couple, but a few. Biology doesn't quite work that way, but we have the capacity to grow beyond our biological limitations. We are now capable of procreation in a petri dish, why wouldn't we be capable of overcoming the negative emotions of ownership in exchange for a sense of mentoring, of protecting this new life on earth, but seeing it as a separate entity on its way into life?

Tomorrow, I will continue this line of thought, but from a different angle, a much more controversial angle, but one that is at least as important…

I got an encouraging message from SurrogacyIndia this morning, saying that the transfer was successful and that our surrogate is in the care of our doctor and doing fine. We should have a “beta pregnancy” result within 12 days… So now we wait!

Life? Fertilized egg day 1.

Yesterday, I was talking about the fierce emotions that take hold of us when we bring the “biological” aspect into our parenting. Today, I'd like to explore something else a bit further. This is a really difficult and highly controversial topic, and no doubt, many of my readers might consider me a “traitor” to women's rights. Those who know me better will know that it would not be my intention. If I offend anyone with my words, please accept my apology. It is not my intention.

Here's the thing. Most people (I don't know the exact percentage) want to be parents. Some do not. Most people are able to become parents naturally, some do not. Unfortunately, those two groups do not overlap 100%.

In the group that does NOT want to be parents, some DO become pregnant, some even become parents. In most countries however, abortion has become a handy tool to terminate “unwanted” pregnancies.

We've already discussed the group who wants to become parents and who cannot. What troubles me is that we, as a society, pay for some people's abortions while at the same time spending heaps of money to help others become parents. From a societal point of view, that makes very little sense, particularly given the fact that public funding is highly limited. I recently read that Sweden is going forward with research on womb transplants! I mean, how desperate can anyone be to subject their kids to spending nine months in an environment that is only stable thanks to enormous amounts of anti-rejection drugs. If any child survives that gestation, what are the side effects? Who wants to subject a child to that? Where are the limitations to what we do to help couples become parents?

Don't get me wrong. I certainly understand people's desire to be parents. But as a society, why do we place such a premium on biology? Should we not encourage these people to adopt instead? Allow me to take this a few steps further: adopt the children we now abort!

Highly controversial, I know. Personally, I've come to struggle a lot with the questions of life and death and I'm not sure I am comfortable with the way we do things today. In the USA, the majority of citizens are against abortion (the bible says killing is wrong), yet the same majority kills people weekly on death row. In Sweden, and most European countries, the view is exactly the opposite: we don't kill criminals (because killing is wrong), yet we allow abortion.

The issue has two aspects, three if you include the adoption part. But let's look at the other two aspects first. What is life and when does it begin? What is the responsibility of men and women when having sex?

When does life begin? Indeed, a hard question to answer. Is a fertilized egg life? Well, from a biological point of view, the answer would have to be yes, because it consumes, it develops, and, given the right environment, it will become a full fledged human being within the space of the gestation period of 40 weeks. Some might say, that outside the womb, no embryo would survive, but neither does a plant without water or soil, neither do we/animals without oxygen/food/water. In biology, particularly human biology, there's the distinction between embryo and fetus. A fetus is what a human embryo is called after the ninth week of gestation. At that time, it is approximately 3 cm long.

To me, that is somewhat academic and not really helpful. What I find helpful is if a fetus born prematurely can survive or not. Today, thanks to modern medicine, babies born at week 21 are known to survive. That is barely half the gestation period and those babies are as large as coca cola cans! In Sweden, with the consent of the attending physician, we can abort up to week 22, which is where the state these days draws the line. So far so good.

But why do people abort? There are several reasons why abortions might be considered. The woman was raped, her health might be in serious jeopardy during a pregnancy, she may not want children (now) or it was an accident (similar to category three).

From where I stand, I don't think anyone can force a woman to carry a child to term after a rape nor when her life is at risk, in fact, I strongly believe that women should always have the final word in this. Having said that, the interesting thing is that in both cases, she knows early on. So why don't we automatically give women the “emergency pill” after a rape, as part of her medical treatment if she wants it? Women who have medical conditions often know they shouldn't get pregnant and - if you ask me - have a certain responsibility to look after themselves. I've got asthma, so I stay away from smokers. But, if the accident still occurs (don't ask me how that could happen though), early abortions should be possible.

What I don't understand is how we still need abortions for women who think it isn't convenient or who “oops” didn't plan to become pregnant. It's the 21st century. Why are people still having unprotected sex? I'm not a fan of forcing women to take the pill (due to the side effects), but hey, a boy without a condom shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a vagina unless they want to become pregnant. What's the big deal? As a gay man, I've been preached to about safe sex for as long as I can remember, even before I became sexually active myself. The rubber is second nature to us, yet for many straight couples, the condom still is something weird. I say, if you become pregnant and you don’t want that child, you have no one to blame but yourself and your partner. Carry the child to term and give it up for adoption.

Giving a child up for adoption is nothing to be ashamed of, quite the contrary, you give a couple the greatest gift possible, that of life. And, hopefully, you learn a lesson about being more careful the next time… I understand that some will say that the man has his four seconds of fun, the woman gets to suffer for nine months. I get that, but it takes two to tango. Pregnancy isn't a must. It's so easy to prevent! And while nine months of suffering may seem like forever, it’s nothing like a lifetime of living with an abortion!

And even if you become pregnant, it's not the end of the world. Pregnancy is a temporary condition, not an illness. Women can continue to go to school or work (most of them, most of the time).

My point is, carry the child to term. If you don't want it, give it up for adoption! No hassle, no bad feelings. There are plenty of couples who'd take it in a heartbeat. You might even change your mind during the pregnancy. Stranger things have happened.

In Sweden, over 19,000 abortions took place in 2011. Add to that the 25,000 children who needed foster care. That's a lot of kids for people who cannot become parents naturally.

At the same time, about 13,000 IVF treatments occur annually and 3,500 babies are born annually in our country. The cost of IVF treatments varies, of course, greatly from country to country. Here in Sweden, in most cases, the state will cover it. Except if you're gay. No womb, no help. But it's safe to assume that it ranges somewhere around USD 10,000 (cheaper in some places, more expensive in others). Add to that the cost of an abortion which is roughly USD 1,000 (if surgical). All in all, that is a lot of money that could be spent elsewhere…better healthcare, schools, care for the elderly.

My point is: why do we allow for some people to be reckless about their sex life and then pay to rectify their mistakes when really this society could do with more children? There isn't a country in western Europe where enough kids are born. Instead, why don't we toss out false morality (e.g. condemnation of the use of condoms), educate children about the consequences of unprotected sex and make it easier for people to adopt (which means tossing out this weird - although natural - concept of “my offspring is better than anyone else's offspring, that I talked about
yesterday
), both legally and emotionally?

That way, we wouldn't have to ask surrogates for help to become parents. We wouldn't have to implant the wombs of dead women into our bodies to become mothers. We wouldn't have to go through the emotional turmoil of IVF treatment cycles (note the s at the end of cycle, because it's rarely only one…). We wouldn't have to do a lot of things we have to. If only people took a little bit more responsibility, if society chose to look at the bigger picture instead of just doing what we've always done...

I'm not even “pregnant” yet, but already I'm looking at life through different eyes, if you will.

Becoming a parent is a most interesting journey, and like any other adventure, it changes your bias, the way you look at things radically.

I used to be one of those DINKS who walked through the city briskly, annoyed at the stroller mafia and their ignorance and their apparent lack of consideration for other pedestrians. I used to 'hate' all those latte moms and dads who thought they owned the streets, had the right to board first on every bus, street car or ship, who would go about their business as if there was no one else around.

I'm still annoyed with them, don't get me wrong, and you're entitled to hit me on the head if I ever behave like that… LOL

However, I've also started to appreciate their predicament in ways I never had before. Pushing a stroller, often a back pack or heaps of bags, sometimes a second child/toddler in the other arm, looking tired, particularly if one of the kids is crying, yelling or running off… It must be easier to tend to a bag of fleas than to be a parent.

I've also found myself looking at different models of strollers, how sturdy they look, how easily they might fit into a plane or the trunk of a car, if the child is facing the parent (which I read is better for the child, as there is much more conversation between parent and child) or not.

I'm even more tolerant to crying, yelling, screaming kids (you know the type) than I've ever been before, recognizing the pain some parents are in as they try to calm their kids, talking to them, hugging them to no avail. Luckily abuse is illegal in Sweden so you rarely see parents laying a hand on a child…

Yesterday, I had some time before getting my hair cut and I found myself drawn to the bookstores. I figured I might buy a book about what it means to become a parent, but most books are written for mothers and I don't find myself “spoken to” at all. Then there are the books for dads and of the four or five I looked at, I quickly surmised that none of them would appeal to me.

First of all, they all assume a heterosexual relationship, which is fine. There aren't that many gay fathers out there, yet. Secondly, there seem to be genres even to that kind of literature. Some are more humorous (or if they aren't, they are merely pathetic!), some are painting a picture of a macho dad, while one tried to paint a picture of the hero-cool dad (is becoming a father only acceptable if you get to be cool?)

All in all, the literature made me depressed and I just wanted to leave, disgusted with what little is out there. I realized, eventually, I'd just have to write my own book, guided by friends and family who have had kids and hope that will be enough to get us through those difficult first weeks and months. I doubt that I'll be investing money in a book that doesn't appeal to me.