Decadent (20 page)

School whizzed by and soon enough the exams were over and there were only a few weeks left before school ended and summer began. The one person who truly suffered during that time was Konnor, who continued to have the friendship of every one of his friends except the one he wanted most. Lachlan wouldn't speak to him, look at him or acknowledge his presence in any way that wasn't required of him during classes. When he hung around with his friends he often found Lachlan missing or sitting quietly a short distance away, ignoring him.

To make it worse
, he was still friends with Lachlan on Facebook. He didn't know if it was deliberate because Lachlan missed him or wanted to torture him, or if it was simply an oversight by someone who never thought of him anymore. Either way it stung each time he checked his news feed or went onto his ex-best friend's page to see his relationship status as 'In A Relationship with Cormag Brody'.

Or every time he saw a half dozen pictures uploaded of him with the new man in his life, when someone caught them kissing and tagged them in the picture. Even simple updates, such as Lachlan going to the movies or watching a film on TV, listening to a song, reading a book or even going to some event, was accompanied by 'with Cormag Brody'.

Konnor didn't know how to cope with the constant reminder that Lachlan was with Cormag and he was no longer his friend in real life, even if the virtual world of Facebook said they were. But he knew one thing: it was nearly summer and he was about to head off to Briarwood college, where Lachlan would also be going. If he played his cards right he could break up the couple and have what he had always wanted before summer ended. Then he could go to college with the life he had always wanted.

And the first thing he would do was have Lachlan remove Cormag Brody from his Facebook page in any and all forms, until it seemed like the guy had never existed.

With his plan formulated, he waited for the end of another school day before putting it into action. He was fast losing his cool, but he had some things to say and he wasn't going to hold back this time. He followed Lachlan as he left school, texting on his phone as he predictably walked to Cormag's house. Which according to his Facebook profile was where he lived half the time. It stuck in his throat to think that Cormag had him all alone so often. Who knew what they were getting up to.

Konnor waited as Lachlan cut through the park before running up and stopping him with an insistent hand on his arm. His friend frowned as he turned his attention away from his phone and finally noticed him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, confused.

“Who were you texting?” h
e retaliated, unable to stop himself.

“Hayes. We're going out tonight to celebrate him ge
tting that new job,” he explained, as if it should have been obvious. He didn't know how to react to that so he ignored it.

“I need to talk to you,
” Konnor explained briefly.

Lachlan stood there, casually sending off his text before popping his phone into his trouser pocket. He gave a shrug and a meaningful look to tell him to get on with it.

“Are you gay now?” he asked, though he hadn't meant to.

“I don't need this shit.” Lachlan turned to walk away.

“I need to know,” he pleaded.

“We already talked about this. I'm not gay or straight. I'm…somewhere in between, because it's the person not their gender that matters to me. It's the connection, the attraction, the personality of a person I'm attracted to. I don't care if they are gay or straight, boy or girl or if they don't consi
der themselves one or the other,” Lachlan explained, with a tone that said he was hoping for the impossible. That he would apologise, say he missed their friendship and promise to keep his opinions to himself so they could be friends again.

They would never be as close as they once were, but he could almost deal with that if it wasn't for one thing. He would still want to date Cormag and he couldn't allow that.

“But pansexual or not I feel more for Cormag than I've ever felt for anyone else in my whole life.” Once he had said his piece he turned to leave again, as if he thought that was all he cared about. But it wasn't; he wanted to have his say. It was time for him to be honest. So he blurted them out, deciding to go for it.

“It was sup
posed to be me,” he shouted, unable to hold back any longer.

***

Lachlan turned with a frown as he tried to work out what Konnor was talking about. They were face to face now, but still Konnor stepped up until they were uncomfortably close. He wanted to take a step back, but he was too confused to move. When he reached up to touch his face that inability to move vanished and he swatted the hand away with a troubled frown.

Konnor wasn't giving up. He caught his face in his hands and tried to kiss him. It was a shock, but Lachlan was stronger than he remembered. He pushed his chest and took a step back to put as much distance between them as possible.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked angrily. He couldn't believe that he would try to kiss him, after everything he'd done, trying to ruin his relationship with Cormag.

“I'm trying to tell y
ou that I'm in love with you!” he shouted at him.

Lachlan was shocked and hurt as he watched Konnor staring at him with pleading eyes. All he could do was stand there, rooted to the spot, blinking
in confusion. “This isn't funny,” he protested, wondering if it was some sort of joke or a new ploy to get him away from Cormag.

Did Konnor think he could try to kiss him and he'd be so easy and so unfaithful to Cormag as to kiss him back? He would like that, because then Cormag would feel betrayed. He'd retreat back into that dark place and their relationship would be over.

“It's not supposed to be.” Konnor smiled at him weakly, as if he was trying to be gentle when he wanted to give him a shake. Lachlan's head was spinning. “Don't you get it? Why I stopped dating girls. Why I acted the way I did when we found out what Orion had done. Why I stopped you from kissing Cormag in the bar. Why I can't stand to hear you saying his name. Why I didn't want you two together. Why I was adamant that you not sleep with him,” he said, as if all those things should suddenly make sense to him. But they didn't; none of it made sense.

“It's supposed to be me. You are supposed to be in love with me!”
he revealed, his eyes so full of hope that Lachlan couldn't speak. He thought that it would make a difference to admit how he felt. He thought that he'd leave Cormag for him. “I only realised it when Orion started bugging you. I tried to keep her away from you until I could make sense of it, but you started dating her. Then you told me you were in love with her.” Konnor sighed, raking a hand through his hair.

“That's the real reason you sent her that text. You wanted to break us up.” Lachlan guessed.

“Yes. So you would see me.” Konnor beamed at him, as if he was finally seeing the light. It was unnerving, painful. He had no clue what to do. “When you left the cafeteria I went after you. I thought it was my chance to let you know that you were loved. Really loved by someone. I spent over an hour looking for you. I called Matteo and he told me you were getting drunk and some idiot was flirting with you. I thought it was a girl.” He laughed derisively at himself for that thought.

“Then I walked into the bar and ther
e you were…drooling over Cormag,” he bit out the words, stalling before choosing the right word, as if all the words were stuck in his throat and he had to force them out.

Lachlan wanted to cry for Konnor. He didn't understand why this was happening to them, but he had to hope it was for a reason. It was the only way he could stand knowing that Konnor had been in love with him and had never said or done anything about it. Since when was Konnor shy about going after what he wanted? When did the whole world shift and throw him off balance?

“I could see that he wanted you,” Konnor said, giving a shrug that said he hated to admit it. “I couldn't blame him for that, but I tried everything to get you out of there before you saw it for yourself. You see…I always knew you were gay. I could tell. You didn't think about girls the way the rest of us did and you didn't look at them at all. But you never looked at guys either and I didn't know whether
you
knew you were gay,” he explained.

“Us?” Lachlan wondered, confused again. He couldn't believe he was standing there, telling him that he'd known for years that he was interested in boys and had never told him or let on that he knew. Worse still, his own best friend had been in love with him for a year and never admitted it. For some reason he was angry about that. He wasn't gay. Konnor had assumed he was, again.

“I'm…I guess you'd say I was into both. Boys and girls. Until you,” he admitted the truth with a shrug. “When I fell for you no-one else mattered to me,” he confessed lightly.

“Konnor,” Lachlan needed to tell him something before he went any further.

“Listen!” he demanded, shouting and crying at the same time.

Lachlan bit his lower lip and shut up, waiting for his chance to speak. He didn't want to see him crying over something that neither of them could control, but he didn't know how to tell him that.

“I need you to know the truth, before you decide anything. I'm not like you. I don't care how a person acts or thinks. I date them if they're hot and stacked or built or easy. I won't deny that. I've been having sex since I was fourteen, Lachlan. With boys and girls. Hot, incredible sex that I want to share with you,” he continued.

Lachlan tried not to admit to how that made him feel. He tried not to let the tears show that he could feel building up.

“That is why you think there's this space between us. Because I kept that part of my life away from you…to protect you. I knew you were a virgin, but I also knew exactly what I wanted to do to you when…”

“Stop!” h
e protested to the look of utter lust that passed over Konnor's face. He didn't want anyone thinking of him that way. It didn't feel right. He didn't want anyone thinking about him that way except Cormag. Especially not someone he had trusted.

“Why? You can't bear
anyone but him screwing you?” he retaliated with the quirk of an eyebrow.

Lachlan didn't say anything in response to that dig, because there was nothing to say. He had been through all this before and he refused to repeat himself because Konnor didn't care to listen to anyone else's opinion.

“You have no idea what it did to me when you left the bar with him. I'd been too angry and too jealous to tell you how I felt and then you left. I knew I'd lost my chance. I tried calling you to check if you were okay, but then your phone rang in your bag and I knew. You were with him.” Konnor frowned to himself as he said those last few words and Lachlan felt the anger rising in him. He hated listening to him talk this way. It was wrong.

“I was scared. I told myself I'd waited too long to make you see the truth, of who you really were and how I felt. I was so scared, all night, that he was taking advantage of you. I barely slept. Then I got to his house and I heard your voice. You were in his bed.” Konnor met his eyes and Lachlan was forced to look away. Nothing had happened that night, certainly nothing that was going through Konnor's head, but he knew he would never listen. He believed what he wanted to believe, because he thought he was the victim.

“I knew that if I'd told you the truth you might have been in my bed instead of his. But it was too late. I knew you'd never sleep with him and walk away. I knew when I saw you t
here that he'd never let you go,” he lamented sadly.

“Konnor…Cormag and I,” Lachlan tried to explain, even though he felt slightly sick thinking of being in bed with Konnor the way he was in bed with Cormag. There was something seriously wrong with that image in his head.

“Don't! Don't say his name,” he snapped at him.

He sighed, hating being ordered around that way. Cormag would never have done that.

“We haven't had sex,” he confessed.

“Really?” Konnor's eyes went wide with that admission.

Lachlan nodded his affirmation, too stunned to do anything else.

“Oh. I didn't know that. I thought you were lying because you thought it was none of my business.” He sighed, burying his hands in his pockets and kicking the dirt under his shoe.

What Lachlan didn't understand was why he had made Cormag feel like a sick pervert for wanting him, when Konnor was practically defiling him with his mind. “It
is
none of your business,” he reminded Konnor of the most important thing. His relationship with Cormag was no-one's business but his own. “I'm sorry you feel this way and I'm sorry you didn't get to tell me before, but it wouldn't have mattered. I don't see you that way. I never have,” he warned him that things weren't going to change. He
had
never and
would
never see him as anything more than a friend.

“Not even now that you know?” h
e asked, desperately.

“No.”

Konnor went quiet for a moment. Lachlan was scared; he didn't know what was running through his head or what would come out of his mouth next. He hated that this was happening to them, that he couldn't stop it or go back in time to make this right again. He felt so lost and confused as the tears fought their way out.

“He
said that.” Konnor shook his head, looking out over the park. “He made me so mad that day. He said I didn't know this 'new you' because you'd never flirted with me. He said you hadn't changed at all, but that you were finally flirting with someone openly. As if you'd never been happy before. He talked like he knew you,” he scoffed.

“He does know me, Konnor. He knows me better than you do.” Lachlan hated saying it to a guy he had known his whole life, but it was the truth. And it was time for Konnor to step out of his fantasy land and back into reality.

He saw the doubtful look that begged him not to lie, so he told him everything.

“I'm not lying. You never once tried to get to know the real me. The personal side. We were friends, but there was always a barrier between us. Whenever I tried to tell you something important
, you shut me off or made fun of it. How can you know me when you do that? Cormag,” he began to say more, only for Konnor to glare at him. He wasn't going to have anyone telling him he couldn't even say Cormag's name, so he repeated it with force. “
Cormag
knows me because he's taken the time to get to know me. He knows how my brain works; he knows me inside out. He doesn't make fun of how I feel or the things I say because I'm different.” Lachlan understood now.

Konnor had kept a distance from him because although he thought he was gay he wasn't convinced and he hadn't wanted to admit his own orientation first. Since he had admitted he was pansexual rather than gay like Konnor wanted him to be, he could understand the guy being touchy about his misreading of the situation. But that didn't give him an excuse to act the way he did. It did make him realise the importance of that journal, the day they went to the rugby game. Was he in that journal? Was that why Konnor had freaked out?

“So you don't love me?” he asked quietly, sounding confused. As if a sudden declaration of love would turn everything round. But that wasn't how life worked.

“No. I know now that I was never in love with Orion. But I'm in love with Cormag. So you hav
e to respect that and let it be,” Lachlan pleaded with Konnor to let it go. He had to stop thinking of him as his property. He loved Cormag, he had told him so the week before. There was no taking that back now. He was in love with Cormag and that was all there was to it. Still, Konnor shook his head, determinedly.

“No,” h
e objected in a faint whine that begged it not to be true.

“Yes,” Lachlan sighed and took a step forward. He wanted to hug Konnor, to let him know that he didn't hate him
, but that he couldn't be what he wanted him to be. But he wasn't listening; he stood still, waiting for him to profess his love, with desperate eyes.

“But you belong wi
th me,” he said softly, still crying.

It broke his heart. He hated seeing him so upset, so desperate and alone. He got close enough to cup his hands around his neck, both of them crying because they knew what was happening.

“I belong with Cormag. Don't you want to see me happy?” he asked, desperate to make sense out of what was going on with the person who had once been his best friend in the whole world.

“Not with him,
” Konnor cried, pleading with him. He looked so broken. Lachlan couldn't stand there, looking at him as he broke down. Konnor fell into his arms, holding him tight as he sobbed. He hated it, but he didn't know what else to do but hold him.

“I'm so sorry. I could never be what you need me to be, Konnor. And I want you to be happy. I want you to feel the love that I feel for Cormag, but it has to be for someo
ne else. It can't be for me anymore…it will only hurt you,” he told him, trying to help him.

Konnor held on tight and shook his head. He wasn't certain if he was trying to wipe his tears away or if he objected to what he was saying.
“I love you so much,” he whispered into his neck.

“I love you too…just not in that way.” Lachlan felt like a real shit for having to say it, but he had to know that they could never be anything other than friends. He was still trying to save that friendship, but then Konnor pulled away, out of his arms. He tugged his shirt sleeves
over his hands and took a deep breath.

“I hate that I
'm never going to see you again,” he said, shocking his system to the core.

“What? Kon
nor…” he tried to protest to that. He wanted to say that it wasn't true, that they had years to fix what had been broken, to move on and adapt. He tried to say something that would make him stay, but before he could Konnor turned and ran away. He wanted to go after him, but his feet were stuck; it felt like he was sinking into quicksand. “Konnor!” he shouted after him, but he was gone.

***

Lachlan couldn't remember anything after Konnor running. He didn't remember how he got back to Cormag's house or how he was still breathing. All he knew was that he was standing, staring after Konnor's shadow one minute and walking into the living room the next. Cormag was sitting on the sofa, reading and for some reason his brain couldn't process seeing him was too much. The dam burst and he couldn't hold back. He sank onto the sofa and cried.

“What the hell happened?” Cormag asked, immediately putting down his book and pulling him into his arms. It was exactly where he wanted to be. Lachlan crawled onto his lap, holding on tight, unable to stop crying.

“Don't let go,” he begged in a whisper, his arms tightly wrapped around Cormag's neck as he sat curled up on his lap. He laced his fingers in his hair, trying to stop him from going anywhere. “Please, don't ever let go,” he asked between sobs.

“I promise.”

“I'm in love with you Cormag…real love…so you can't ever leave me,” he insisted as he buried his face in his shoulder. Cormag sighed and leaned their heads together, wrapping his arms around his shaking body. He couldn't seem to stop it; he felt like someone had shot him and his body was going into shock.

“I
know. I'm in love with you too,” he whispered into his hair. “I'm never going to give up on us, I swear. Everything will be all right. We're together and we love each other, that's all that matters,” he reassured him. But it wasn't enough.

“Do you promise?” h
e asked desperately. He had lost Konnor, maybe forever; he couldn't bear to lose Cormag too.

“I pro
mise. Now tell me what happened,” he said, rocking him gently.

Lachlan tried to get his emotions under control so that he could explain. He managed to tell him about Konnor's confession of love, how ashamed he was that he'd been so angry about it, how they had both cried. But when it came to Konnor leaving he cracked up. He couldn't get the words out.

“I feel…like I broke him,” he confessed, hiding away in the crook of his neck so that he didn't have to face reality for a little longer. “I feel like…he's right. That…we'll never see each other again. And I hate it. I never…never…wanted to lose him like this. Never.” He got that far and suddenly he couldn't function anymore. He lay in Cormag's arms for who knew how long, feeling numb, lost and fractured. The only thing that stopped him from being completely alone and broken was Cormag.

He was utterly perfect. He held him, talked softly to him of loving things and used gentle hands to deposit him on the bed.

“Sleep, love. Sleep and it will be better when you wake up. I promise…we'll figure something out,” he said, his voice like a cloud drifting over him, sprinkling refreshing rain when he needed it. Lachlan let himself curl around the pillow that smelled so like his loving man, let himself close his eyes and drift off to sleep. He could only hope he was right and that they could find a way of fixing the crack that would always be inside him.