Deer in Headlights (Hearts and Arrows 1) (Good god series) (5 page)

But he was fucked up beyond repair. There was no changing that.

Roe’s hands clenched in his jacket pockets as he stomped up the stairs to Dean’s apartment, ready for a fight.

Fucking Dean.
 

It was always the same shit. Dean couldn’t say no, not even when it was important, which was part of the reason that Roe hadn’t had many girlfriends. Dean possessed some strange magic that made girls lose their minds, and Roe didn’t know if any of them were immune to his charms. He didn’t want to test the theory, not with someone he cared about.

Roe didn’t know why he expected Dean to keep his shit together. Their career was on the line, and Dean was as unapologetic as ever. Roe’s temper flared at the thought that Dean wasn’t affected by what happened, especially after he and Kevin spent the afternoon in a scramble to figure out how to fix Dean’s mess.

Roe and Dean had gone to a show the week before, and the opener for the band they wanted to see was some crappy punk band with a ratty lead singer, but their drummer was phenomenal. After some light Googling and a few phone calls, he and Kevin had gotten a hold of the guy, who happily accepted their offer. He was even better than Elliot, and Roe was thankful not only to have solved the problem, but to have upgraded their talent in the process.

That fact didn’t stop him from being supremely pissed at Dean.

He made it to Dean’s door and walked in without knocking.
 

Dean sat in an armchair by the window with his guitar in his lap. His black hair fell in his face when he glanced up at Roe in the doorway, then back to his guitar.

“Come on in.”

“What the hell, Dean. I thought we had a deal.” He slammed the door.

Dean put his guitar down and stood, grabbing a whiskey bottle from the shelf as he walked toward the kitchen, his bare feet padding on the hard wood. “You need one of these.” He held the bottle up in display as he reached for a glass out of the cupboard.

He thinks he’s so fucking smooth.
“There was a rule in place, or did you forget? No hooking up with bandmate’s girlfriends. How many times is this now? Six? Eleven? I’ve lost count.” Roe narrowed his eyes.
 

“Four.”

“Your moral compass is way the fuck out of whack, do you even realize that?”

Dean’s face was blank. “Listen, I didn’t come on to her. She showed up here naked and half drunk, and if it hadn’t been me, it would have been somebody else. At least Elliot got away from her when he had the chance.”

“Can’t you say no, man?”

“Why would I say no?” Dean’s face quirked in confusion, and Roe’s fury bubbled over.

“Jesus, Dean. I don’t know, maybe for Elliot’s sake? Do you have empathy for anyone? It’s like you’re dead inside.”

“Fuck you, Roe.”

“No, really. You could have screwed us over. You need to get your shit together, dude, or we’re all in trouble.” Dean extended the glass of whiskey to Roe. “No, thanks. I think I’ve had enough.”
 

Roe turned to leave. “By the way, I found a drummer. Don’t fuck his girlfriend,” he said as he slammed the door behind him.

That afternoon, Lex sat curled up on the couch with a book when Travis burst through the front door. He immediately started talking a million miles a minute with his face lit up and blue eyes twinkling. She smiled at him, laughing as she laid her book down.
 

“Whoa there, cowboy. A little fast—slow it down and give it to me again.”

“Sorry,” he laughed. “I was saying, you know that band, Paper Fools? Remember? I played that song by them that was all, buh-nuh nuh-nuh buh-waa-waa, right?”

She was stumped. “Uh, right?”

“So, I got a call from Roe, their bass player, today. I guess their drummer left the band this morning, and they’re looking to fill his spot. Roe saw me play and wants me. Lex, this is huge. They just got signed, which means that I’m gonna play on a fucking album.”
 

“Oh, my god!” She hopped up and reached to wrap her arms around his neck. He spun her around in the living room, and she squealed before he set her down and pressed his lips to hers.

“I told Spike,” he said with a grin.

“How’d he take it?”

“Not well. He had some choice words about having ‘his’ drummer stolen, and I’m half expecting him to show up at a gig and try to pick a fight.”

“He would be that dumb.”

“Well, we
are
talking about Spike.” Travis pecked her on the cheek, then winked before he strutted into their bedroom to go bang on his electronic drums.
 

Lex was thankful for his headphones as she made her way into the kitchen to make some tea. She pulled down her old, red teapot, filled it with water, and set it on the stove. While she waited for the water to boil, she turned and leaned on the doorframe to watch Travis play. He spun his sticks in the air as he whaled on the rubberized drum pads, and she bit her lip.
 

He was so hot when he was in drummer mode.
 

Travis hated to be confined while he went beat-ninja on his set, and she smiled as her eyes roamed across his naked chest. Sweat glistened on his broad, muscular shoulders, and his tan skin gleamed from the light shining in through the window. His faced scrunched in concentration, and small strands of his honey colored hair stuck to his forehead.

On paper, he was the perfect guy. He was kind and loving. Attentive and thoughtful. He was her best friend, besides Kara. She could see being with him for a long time, maybe forever, but she could see walking away too. It was complacence, she supposed, and wondered if that was all she could hope for out of life. Was there more to love? Would her heart ever open up enough to really let someone in, to feel any more than she did with Travis? She found the whole situation extremely confusing.

Lex’s phone rang from the table, and Kara’s face was on the screen making a kissey face.

“Hey,” Lex answered.

“Yo,” Kara said. “You owe me some dirt. I’m downstairs, so you better be here.”

“Yup. Want some tea?”

“Mmm, that sounds good. It’s freezing outside. Be right up.”

Travis walked in, shirtless and sweaty, and stretched his arms over his head, hooking his fingers on the door frame. His jeans hung low on the eye-popping ‘v’ his hips made as he leaned forward.
 

Her cheeks flushed as she poured hot water into two mugs.
 

“Roe texted me. We’re going to go get my gear from the garage.”

“Oh, god. Spike won’t be there, will he?”

“He shouldn’t be. I hope he’s not, anyway.”

“Bless his heart,” she said with a mock pout as she ripped open two tea bags and dunked them into the water.

“Two teas?”

“Kara’s on her way over.”

“Well, I’ll be gone a few hours, so carry on with the gab-fest as long as you want.”

He turned for their bedroom, stopping in front of the door when a knock rapped.

“I got it,” Travis said and pulled the door open.
 

“Well,
hello,
sir.” Kara’s eyebrow reached for her dark hairline as she appraised his goods.

That really should bother me
, Lex thought as she dropped a few sugar cubes in and stirred.

 
“Ma’am.” Travis tipped an imaginary hat and gave her a wink.

Kara headed into the kitchen, curvy hips swaying with her neck craned to watch Travis walk away. She almost ran into the table, catching herself at the last possible second. She hung her bag on the back of a kitchen chair like nothing happened.
 

“Tea?” Lex smirked as she offered up a steaming cup with a string draped over the side.
 

“Thanks, friend.” Kara leaned over her cup, and her dark hair fell over her shoulder. She closed her icy blue eyes and breathed deep. “Mmm.”

Lex took a seat across from Kara at her kitschy 50’s diner table, complete with turquoise Formica and chrome, which was one of her favorite vintage finds.

“Bye, girls, have fun,” Travis said as he shrugged on his jacket.

“Toodles.” Kara twiddled her fingers at him.

Lex rolled her eyes, smiling as the door closed behind him. “Shameless.”

“Moi?” Kara feigned surprise.

“Ha. So innocent.”

Kara batted her lashes and stirred her tea. “So, let’s hear it.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Julie Andrews would say the beginning.”

“It
is
a very nice place to start.” Lex sighed. “That makes it sound so easy.”

“Well, you had the ‘over it’ look last night. Are Mr. Travis’ days numbered? Because my bed has been awfully cold lately, and, well, he’s just so very virile.”

A laugh bubbled out of Lex. “He really is. Virile. Like incredibly virile.”

“What’s the problem?” she asked chastely, eyebrows raised as she sipped her tea.

“Is it love?”

“If you have to ask yourself that question, then the answer is probably no.”

“But we’re obviously compatible. I do love him, but it’s not that starry-eyed love, the self-sacrificing, soulmate kind of love. But then I have to ask myself if that even exists.”
 

“I believe that it does, and I think you do too.”

“But is it real? Or is it just some bullshit line that Hollywood and romance novels feed us? Some impossible standard? I mean, why shouldn’t I be with Travis?”

“If you don’t love him, I’d say that’s probably reason number one.”
 

“Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.”

“I’m almost positive that you can’t force yourself to love someone.”

“No, I know, but I do care about him. I want to make him happy, and I want to be there for him.” Lex shook her head. “Maybe I’m just broken. And if I’m broken, then is that fair to Travis? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I can stay.”

“Well, sister, you never want to leave any of them, not until you have a tangible reason to, at least. And I’m pretty sure you’ve never said you loved any of them, either.”

“It’s true. And to top that off, I’ve been a serial girlfriend for the last ten years.”

“Since David Clark, junior year. He was so cute.”

“Seriously, the longest I think I’ve gone between guys is two weeks, and I cried the entire time that I would be alone forever. How is it possible that I’ve never been in love?”

“Well, the minute they get to be too much, care too much, need too much, you jet.”

“I like to think I live in the moment. That I enjoy what I have when I have it, and move on when it’s over.”

“Is it over with Travis?”

“I don’t know.” Lex took a sip of her tea, and they sat in silence for a moment before she continued. “This is all because of my mom, you realize that, right?”

Kara nodded.
 

“She’s still not over my dad leaving, and he’s been gone since I was nine. It didn’t matter how she tried to hide it. She cried almost every night for him and probably still does. After he left, she just … fell apart. No child should have to take care of their parents like that before they hit puberty.”

“But her crazy doesn’t have to be your crazy, Lex.”

“I can’t help it. I watched her for all those years as she waited on him to come home, never able to understand how someone she loves so much could just leave her. I don’t want that. If that’s what love is? If that’s what happens when it’s over? I don’t want it. And even though I want to care about someone, I can’t. Not if there’s a chance they’re going to hurt me. I see her face in my mind, and all I can do is be angry at my dad. Men leave. They betray. I can’t really trust them, and I can’t care, because if I don’t care, then I can’t get hurt.”

“Do you think Travis is going to hurt you?”

“No, I don’t think he’d do anything to hurt me, not on purpose. But it’s not like I can choose to fall in love, or decide to let someone in. So does it mean redefining love and my expectations? And is that fair to Travis? Is there some girl out there who will love him like Juliet loves Romeo? Like Orpheus and Eurydice? Because if there is, he deserves that.”

Kara reached out to touch her arm. “You’re the only one who can figure that out, and I know you will.”

“I hope so, because right now, I am so confused.”

“You will. And trust me, things could be a lot worse.”

“Don’t you jinx me, Kara.”

“You are so superstitious. Hurry, burn some sage,” Kara said, laughing. “I know you’ve got some around here somewhere.”

“Don’t make fun of me. It works, even though it smells dank.”

“Define ‘works.’”

“If nothing else, it makes me feel better.”

“Well, in that case, burn away.”