Diary of a Minecraft Zombie: Book 1 (2 page)

Sunday

Contrary to what most people think, humans can be friendly.

I actually have a human friend...

His name is Steve.

We have a lot in common. 

Steve is kind of weird looking,…He has a square head.

Steve also never changes his clothes...And I thought only Zombies did that!

Steve walks funny too...

I tried walking like him once.

And a villager started talking to me.

I didn’t know what to do.

So I ran away…

But even though he’s weird, Steve is still my friend.

My mom says I shouldn’t make friends with humans...

She says they smell funny...

Plus, she says, “If the humans become our friends, who are we going to scare?”

She didn’t like my idea about scaring little brothers...

My mom doesn’t like me asking her too many questions either...

One day I asked her, “Mommy, where do Zombies come from?

She seemed a bit tongue tied.

But, then I remembered she doesn’t have a tongue!

When she finally said something, she said, “Zombies are mobs created by computer programmers at Mojang to make the game of Minecraft a more challenging and enjoyable experience.”

Whenever my Mom uses big words, I know she’s hiding something...

My friend Creepy said that Zombies come from being bitten by other infected Zombies, a plague that originated from some secret military experiment.

I think Creepy watches too much television...

I liked Skelee’s answer the best…

He says Zombies aren’t made, they’re born…

He said they hatch from eggs.

Kinda makes sense.  I’ve seen a lot of eggs around here...

Monday

Sometimes, after school, me and the guys go out to mess with the spiders.

They don’t do much, they just crawl around.

But we like to tip them over...

I saw some humans do that to a cow once.

It looked like fun...

But, you need to be careful with cave spiders.

They get really mad if you tip them over...

I think they think they’re better than regular spiders.

I  found out the hard way that you shouldn’t tip over a silverfish.

They travel in gangs.

It wasn’t much fun getting beat up by silverfish.

Tuesday

I like the Endermen.

They’re really nice.

They’re also really tall for teenagers.

But I still can’t understand what they do all night.

I guess moving blocks around is fun...

But I don’t get it...

It’s probably a secret club, and only the coolest kids can be a part of it.

I tried talking to one to find out the inside scoop.

It didn’t work. 

He just looked at me...

I wish I could travel like Endermen.

They don’t have to walk.

They just teleport wherever they want to go.

If I could do that, I would teleport to grandma’s house every day.

She always has the best snacks.

My favorite is when she makes lady fingers….

…the sandwiches I mean.

Wednesday

We have a witch that lives on our street.

I think she’s funny looking.

She has a big nose with a mole on it.

She walks around mad all of the time.

I would be mad too if I had a big nose with a mole on it.

One day Skelee asked the witch what it’s like to have a big nose with a mole on it.

She just walked away…mad.

The kids in the neighborhood sometimes tease her and say she’s ugly…

Mom says the witch probably looked better when she was younger.

So, me and the guys decided to look up her year book in the school library…

Nope, she’s always been ugly…

I wonder what it’s like to have a nose.

Dad says I had an uncle that had a nose.

He said that his uncle got a cold once...

And that’s the last time they ever saw his nose again...

Dad also said that I had another uncle that had ears.

He couldn’t find them after he started wearing a helmet.

…Man, I sure have a lot of uncles!

Thursday

I used to feel embarrassed when my body parts would occasionally fall off.

Now, it’s the best excuse ever for staying home from school!

It doesn’t happen often...

But, when it does, I milk it for all it’s worth.

I just have to pick the right body parts.

One time I said, “Mom, I just lost an eyeball!”

“Congratulations, honey!” She said.

But now, I stick to the legs…

…Can’t go to school without legs.

Mom says that when a Zombie loses a tooth, they can put it under their pillow and the tooth fairy will come and give you a quarter.

I thought I struck it rich, until I realized the most I can ever make is seventy-five cents. 

Friday

Mom and Dad said that If I get a good grade on my Scare Test that I could get a pet.

Until I realized I could only get a pet squid.

I would rather have a cat or a dog, like Steve.

But Mom says we can’t because we shed all over the furniture.

“Dogs have a habit of burying our body parts in the back yard,” she says.

“Cats are worse.” she said.  “They have a habit of turning everything into  a scratching post.”

Squids are OK, I guess.  But all they do is swim around.

Creepy’s parents gave him a pig.

Now that’s a cool pet.

He didn’t have it for long though...

One day it got struck by lightning.

I think my cousin Piggy thought he saw it roaming around his neighborhood in the Nether.

Speaking of lightning, one of Creepy’s uncles got struck by lightning once.

They took him to the hospital…

He didn’t stay long though...

The hospital exploded.

I think the witch on our street was struck by lightning once, too.

It probably hit her on the nose.

I guess if I got struck by lightning, I’d be mad too.

Saturday

My uncle Wither is coming to visit today.

I wouldn’t mind, but he usually makes such a mess!

I tried sneaking up on him once.

I couldn’t do it. 

He seems to always know when I’m coming.

I’m not going to be able to stay long though.

I want to go see Skelee’s older brother’s new band.

They call themselves The Walking Dead.

Cool...

Mom doesn’t like them...

She says they’re a bad influence...

She says if I keep listening to music like that I’ll start acting more human...

Uncle Wither told me he was in a band once...

I thought it was a rock band...

Turned out it was Obsidian...

Not cool…

Sunday

I’d thought I would go visit Steve today.

Steve sometimes likes to mine at night.

I think I’m going to creep up to him and scare him today.

But he usually hears me coming...

Steve says he wants to be a Zombie like me...

He says Zombies have the easy life.

Boy, if he only knew...

I tried to introduce Steve to my friends.

But Creepy got really nervous around him.

So, we had to put Creepy on a time out.

Steve and Skelee got along really well.

They even play cowboys and Indians.

Steve is usually the cowboy...

I know because when they’re finished Steve’s usually covered in arrows.

Today Steve asked me how you can tell a girl Zombie from a boy Zombie.

I said, “That’s easy.  All you have to do is look at our clothes.”

Steve, looked at me…confused.

He asked me if Zombies had girlfriends.

“Yeah, they do.”

Then he asked me if I had a Zombie girlfriend.

I said, “Of course I do! What do you think I am, a loser?”

The truth is, I don’t have a girlfriend…

But Sally Cadaver, from biology class, has been in each of my classes since second grade, so “technically” I can call her my girlfriend.

“How do you kiss, since you have no lips? Steve asked.

I looked at Steve…confused.