Different Senses (2 page)

“Javen, you’re awake! How do
you feel?”

“Uh...st’ange.” My mouth was
dry, and my chest and gut hurt in a vague, distant way.

“I better find a medic. We’ve
been waiting for you to wake up for so long.” He touched my hand,
which made me feel a bit...upset. Why was I upset? He frowned at
me. “Are you all right? Sanity, is something wrong?”

Panic rose tight and fast in my
chest. An alarm off to the left pinged quietly but urgently.
Kirin’s eyes widened. “Javen, what’s happening? Medic! Doctor!”

He lunged at the wall behind me
to hit the call button. Now frightened and bewildered, I made a
weak grab for his shirt, desperate for him not to leave me. “It’s
all right, love, I’m getting help for you. Please don’t die.”

Two women medics rushed in. “He
woke up and now he’s freaking out,” Kirin said. “What’s wrong?”

“Sri Nel, please, wait
outside,” one of the medics said. “It’ll be fine. Please.”

As soon as Kirin left, the
panic subsided. Weird. The other medic checked my eyes, and then
looked at the data on her reader. “How do you feel, Sri Ythen?”

“O...kay. B’er.” I winced at
the pain. I wished I had some water.

“Your throat’s dry, I know. Now
you’re awake we can test your swallowing, and then give you some
liquid. Let’s have you sitting up a little.”

The position was a bit more
comfortable but moving had set off all kinds of aches, large and
small. “Wha’ wrong?”

“You were shot. Do you remember
that?” I nodded. “That was three weeks ago, and you’ve been through
a lot of surgery.” She smiled. “But you’re much better now. The
doctor will be along after we check your ability to drink, and he
can tell you more. For now, you need to take it easy. Shall I send
Sri Nel back in?”

“ ‘S.” Had anyone been in
contact with my brother Yashi, or my parents? Or Trilok? My partner
would have been going insane these last three weeks. I would have
been, if the situations were reversed.

Kirin came in, his face
twisting with worry. My anxiety rose again, but I fought it so not
to upset him. “The medic said you were fine. Sorry to be silly, but
I’ve been....” He swallowed and smiled damply. “It’s been a hard
few weeks. Yashi only left three hours ago. Should I call him?”

“P’ease.”

“Of course. And your parents.
You’re in your father’s own dedicated room. The governor’s one, I
mean. At least you missed all the press excitement. I suppose
that’ll all start up again when they hear you’ve woken up.”

His lips trembled, and a wave
of anxious misery flooded me at the sight. I held out a hand to him
and he gripped it. I tugged weakly, inviting him to kiss me, which
he did but only on the cheek—the nose tube was in the way. “I
thought you would never wake up.”

I squeezed his hand, trying to
smile. “Did.”

“Yes, you did. You’re upset.
I’m upsetting you.”

“No....”

“Yes, I am.” He gently pushed
my hand away. “I should go. People to call, and the medic said
someone would be here any minute to do things to you.”

“Ba’?”

“Of course I’ll come back. But
your family will want to visit. Mustn’t wear you out.”

I wanted him to stay, but he
looked so unhappy and I felt so crappy, maybe he was right to go. I
waved as he left, and calmed down. I hoped this up and down
emotional stuff was just part of being injured, because it wasn’t
like me. I was the stolidly calm twin, Yashi was the bouncy,
sympathetic one. It had always been like that. Me and my brother,
reflections and complements. I suddenly wanted to see my brother
very much. He would be out of his mind with worry.

Finding out I could swallow
safely was a lot more tedious than it sounded, but when the medics
and therapists finished, I was allowed some water to sip with a
promise of fruit juice later. Apparently real food would have to
wait a while. The bullets had done a real number on my insides, now
a mass of grafts and clever stitching, not to mention some nanobots
which would gradually work their way out of me in ways I truly
didn’t want to think about right now.

I only had enough energy for
about ten minutes of gentle activity, so I was worn out after they
let me drink. I woke from the inevitable nap to find my own face
smiling back at me. “Yashi.”

“Hello, Javen.” He leaned in
for a hug. The gesture made me ridiculously happy and relieved.
“You almost look as good as new.”

“
Half of me
is
new.
Are you all right? Tara, the boys?”

“We’re fine. Well, worried but
fine. Mum and Dad...never seen Dad cry before.”

“He cried? Really?”

“Yeah. You know, manly
gubernatorial tears. Made him look all sensitive for the
press.”

I made a face. “You’re
joking.”

“Yeah.” He laughed and I
grinned. “You look better than I thought you would. Kirin sounded
worried.”

“You know what he’s like. A bit
highly strung. He hasn’t done the sick lover thing before.”

“You’re not sick. You were
shot.”

His suddenly snappish tone made
me straighten a little, irritated. “I know that. Did they catch who
did it?”

“Yes. A couple of punks. They
shot someone they’d set up a drug deal with, apparently. That’s
what you and Trilok heard. They ambushed you and made it over the
bridge. But the police caught up with them in Darliw.”

“Charged them with attempted
murder?”

“No, the police shot them.” I
stared at him, and he stared back, expression hard. “They died in a
shoot out and when you nearly died, I wished I’d killed them
myself.”

“Yashi....”

“I nearly lost you, Javen. We
nearly lost you.” He covered his mouth with the back of his hand,
and tears pricked in my own eyes. “Damn it. This was the biggest
fear I had about you going into the force.”

“I’m okay,” I said, my voice
thick with grief. “I didn’t die.”

“Too bloody close. Too
close.”

I held my arms out and he came
close so I could hug him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, his pain and my
pain one mass of unhappiness.

He sniffled, and pushed back,
wiping his eyes. “Well, this is great,” he said, grinning bravely.
“Welcoming you back by crying all over you.”

“Better than you crying over my
coffin.”

“Are you trying to cheer me
up?”

“Sort of.”

“You suck at it.”

“Yeah, always have. Mum and Dad
are coming?”

“Maybe later, if you’re up to
it. I’ll call them. Are you okay? I know why I’m upset but why are
you upset?”

“Twin mental bond?”

He made a rude noise. “Javen,
that time I broke my arm in three places as a kid? You never felt a
thing.”

“Feel me get shot?”

“Nope, not a twinge. Mental
bond my arse.”

I shrugged, grinning. “What can
I say? Manly tears affect me that way.”

“Huh. Some big bad tough cop
you are.”

“Are you bringing the twins
next time? I want to see them.”

“Maybe. We tried not to involve
them too much, especially when they weren’t sure...uh....”

“If I would make it?”

“Yeah. Are you up to the boys?
The doctor told us you were pretty much held together with spit and
goodwill.”

My brother the vet tended to
forget human patients understood remarks like that. “Were you
supposed to tell me that? And yes, I can handle the boys. I want to
see them, and Tara.”

Sorrow washed over me, shocking
me with the suddenness of it. Deep, aching misery and grief. I
covered my face, confused and heartbroken. What was I grieving
over?

Yashi squeezed my shoulder.
“Javen? Javen, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I sobbed. “I’m
okay.”

“You sound it. Let me find a
medic.”

He got up and went to the door,
but as soon as he did, the sorrow passed as if it had never been,
leaving only a stuffy nose and a vague tightness in my chest.
“Wait, I’m fine. Yashi?”

He’d stepped out, but I heard
his voice from a little way outside. Damn, if he called a medic
in....

Yashi returned. “Sorry, there
was a man outside crying. I just wanted to see if he was okay.” He
stared at me. “Crying like you were.”

“Coincidence. I’ve been up and
down.” But a cold dread filled me even as I said it. Could I really
have been affected by the emotions of a total stranger I couldn’t
even see?

“That must be it. Look, do you
need anything? The medics said to keep it short and if Mum and Dad
are coming over, I don’t want to wear you out.”

My crying jag had exhausted me.
“I know. Come back tomorrow?”

“For sure. And with the kids.”
He bent and kissed my cheek. “Stay calm, rest.”

“I will.” But the frisson of
fear I felt, scared me. Just whose fear was it?

~~~~~~~~

I told myself my wildly
swinging moods were nothing more than a reaction to my injuries and
the shock of nearly dying. Even when I broke down in tears in front
of my parents because Mum did, Dad muttered something like, “No
need to be ashamed, son,” though he was embarrassed as hell. That
only made it worse.

I mentioned the problem as
casually as I could to the doctors, and a charming lady
psychologist came and sat with me, talking about post traumatic
stress and near death experiences until I felt sane again, and
accepted the prescription for a mild sedative with relief that my
labile emotions were just a side-effect of my injuries. With the
help of drugs and determination, I feigned calm so well that Trilok
and Superintendent Ferir, coming to visit and bringing a video
message from the entire station house as well as a gag gift of a
bottle of virulent orange vitamin syrup, looked a little
stunned.

“Never seen an officer this
cheerful about being shot before, Ythen,” my super said.

“Better than being dead,” I
chirped. Trilok winced. “Docs say it’ll be a few weeks before I’m
ready for active duty, but don’t go giving my job away just yet,
sir.”

“You worry about getting back
on your feet, sergeant, and leave operational matters to me. I’ve
assigned Constable Vimet a temporary partner, of course, but we’re
all looking forward to you coming back to work.”

I gave him the thumbs up. “Good
as new, sir.”

I think I scared him a little.
He told me brief details about the shooters and their deaths, but
wandered off to let me talk to Trilok in private shortly after.

“
What the hell are they
giving you?” my partner asked as soon as we were alone. “Double
doses of
larin
?”

“Nope. Just determined to go
back to my job. No need to be so suspicious, Trilok.”

He frowned. “How did you
know...? Are you sure you’re okay, sarge?”

“Absolutely fine, bar a few
supernumerary holes.” I gave him the thumbs up again, but at his
puzzled look, I hid my hands under the covers. “Don’t go getting
slack because I’m not around.”

“No, I won’t. Anything you
need, sarge?”

We chatted for a couple
of minutes, but he made his excuses after that. I knew I’d made him
uncomfortable. Not as in I read his expression. I
knew
it.
Felt it in my head.

My psychologist, Doctor Woy,
was less cheerful when I told her that. “I’d like to run a few
tests, Javen, just to be sure I haven’t missed something. I can
wait until you’re feeling better, if you like.”

Missed
what?
“No,
do them as soon as you want. When I’m not being poked, or hauled
around the physio room, I’ve got nothing to do. You’re
worried?”

She straightened up and smiled
at me. An act, and I wished I hadn’t been so sure of that. “Not
really. I’m being ultra cautious. Keep taking those sedatives, and
try not to worry about things. Call me if you want to talk, okay?
I’ll drop around tomorrow and we’ll run through some
questions.”

The moment she left, I
regretted telling her the truth. What if this was something
serious? Real psychological damage, the kind of thing that would
get me marked as unfit for work? Damn it, I’d die if I had to work
as a desk jockey. Seen too many cops go down that route, become
fat, sour and narrow. I’d quit before I let that happen.

Kirin’s visits were a mixture
of pleasure and pain for me. Pleasure because I loved him and
missed him, pain because his anxiety rubbed off on me. When he came
by that evening, that unease reverberated off my own worry, making
me snappish and impatient with my lover in a way I hated, but
couldn’t seem to stop. “Would you like me to leave?” he asked after
I’d barked at him about fidgeting.

“No. Just sit still. I’ve got
enough to think about without worrying about you.”

“I know that, Javen. It’s not a
lot of fun on this side of the bed either.”

“Maybe you should find someone
to fill the gap.”

His eyes widened. “What do you
mean?”

“
If it’s so tedious, you
don’t have to play the attentive lover. I’d rather you went off and
had fun if you find it so
boring.
” He paled. I felt like
shit for being so bloody vile. “Kirin, no. I’m sorry. Ignore me.
I’m...just all fucked up lately.”

He patted my hand. “I know you
are, love. But we’re in this together, remember. No replacing you
with anyone,” he added, wagging his finger and making me smile. “Is
there anything I can do? More books, better music? Anything?”

“Blowjob?”

“Here?”

His scandalised face made me
laugh. “Be something, wouldn’t it? In the governor’s own private
ward?”

“
Your mother would never
speak to me again.
And
she’d tell
my
mother.”

“Be worth it just to hear that
conversation.”