Authors: Matt Beaumont
e Squared (35 page)
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.59
Subject: Esmée Ãloge
Â
Think I've steadied the ship on this one. I've penciled in a new meeting on the 30th. I strongly recommend we lose Osama and Kim Jong-Il from the shortlist.
Â
By the way, did you see Bill's Montana e-mail? I didn't realize he was so nakedly ambitious. He's definitely one to watch. I think he's had an excellent thought. Why not get Liam to conceptualize it?
Â
From:
David Crutton
David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.04
Subject: Further security measures
Â
Can you set up a meeting with Slobodan? I want to task him and his lads with some basic staff vetting. We're looking particularly for fundamentalists and those with terrorist sympathies. I notice there are a couple of Pakistani names in IT. As good a place as any to start.
Â
From:
Kirsten Richardson
Kirsten Richardson
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.12
Subject: Is it true?
Â
I just had one of the creatives down for a bubble perm and he said Don Gold is a Muslim suicide bomber! Really???!!! He always seemed so harmless.
Â
From:
Milton Keane
Milton Keane
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.13
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
I heard a rumor he walked about with Semtex wrapped round his waist!!
Â
From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.14
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
OMG, I just thought he'd put on weight!!!
Â
From:
Dotty Podidra
Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Kirsten Richardson
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.15
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
And I always thought he was Jewish!!!!
Â
From:
Milton Keane
Milton Keane
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.16
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
He's also a total gaylord. Beats me how he can be an Islamical fundamentaloid *and* a Jewish homo. Must be a total schizo. It just goes to show you can never truly know a person. BTW, if anyone fancies helping me pick out
BB
audition outfits, meet me in Cazza's office at 1. I've brought in a selection and I'll order up some sushi on her T&E budget.
BB
audition outfits, meet me in Cazza's office at 1. I've brought in a selection and I'll order up some sushi on her T&E budget.
Â
From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.17
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
Ooh, dressing up! Count me in!!
Â
From:
Kirsten Richardson
Kirsten Richardson
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.18
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
And me! You want me to do you some highlights? Blowout Burgundy and Chocolate Cherry? Dynamite combo!!
Â
From:
Dotty Podidra
Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Kirsten Richardson
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.20
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Â
Sorry, Milt, but DC wants me to take the minutes of a meeting he's having with the Serbians. Lots of swearing and threats of violence, most likely. Think of me while you're having fun.
Â
From:
Ted Berry
Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.22
Subject: Re: Esmée Ãloge
Â
30th is fine. Shame about Osama though. The his ân' her Twin Tower pack was a D&AD cert.
Â
I'll get Liam on to Bill's idea. It's a good one.
Â
Gotta say the new stationery arrangements are fucked up. Spent my morning fetching pencils, pens and pads for my department. When the fuck am I supposed to work?
Â
From:
Dotty Podidra
Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.23
Subject: Milton
Â
Between you and me, Sooz, are you sure it's a good idea to encourage him on the BB front? Given the nose situation, I think he's just setting himself up for a gigantic fall.
Â
From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.25
Subject: Re: Milton
Â
Don't be an old party pooper. He'll be fine. He'll get through his audition on sheer force of personality. And actually, his new nose is growing on me. It has a certain “damaged” beauty, which is a very catwalk look. Deformity is totally this season. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to be able to see it. You have to have a fashion eye, don't you?
Â
From:
David Crutton
David Crutton
To: Kazu Makino
Cc: Bill Geddes
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.36
Subject: GIT
Â
How are you getting on with the Mini Montana PowerPoint? I'd like a review. Say 2.00?
Â
From:
Kazu Makino
Kazu Makino
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.37
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
Â
I am out of the office attempting to free Donald Gold from illegal custody. I may be some time because clearly no one else in the companyâespecially those in senior management who owe him a duty of careâgives a stuff.
Â
From:
David Crutton
David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.39
Subject: Kazu Makino
Â
Have her placed on the suspect-employee register immediately.
Â
From:
Sally Wilton
Sally Wilton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.42
Subject: Re: Kazu Makino
Â
With pleasure. I've also taken the liberty of adding RóisÃn O'Hooligan's name.
Â
From:
RóisÃn O'Hooligan
RóisÃn O'Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.57
Subject: Oh, the sweet, sweet irony
Â
Slobodan, the big guy in charge of nailing the thief, is stomping around reception with a face like a slapped arse because he's had his car nicked. Has anyone seen it? It's a black Mercedes tank pimped up with Ray-Ban glass and chrome wheels. You really can't miss it because it's a fucking eyesore. Sorry, gotta take a toilet break. You have to admit this is piss-yourself funny.
RóisÃn
Reception
From:
Mr. Fraggles
Mr. Fraggles
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 13.01
Subject: Has anyone seen ...
Â
... Neil Godley? He promised to organize a petty-cash advance by lunchtime, which is now, isn't it? I have to go out and buy three dozen beanbags and twenty dozen eggs for this afternoon's juggling workshop.
From:
Brett Topolski
Brett Topolski
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 13.05
Subject: Stop whatever you're doing
Â
Hope you're there and not banged up for car thievery because you have to see this. Horne is a cyber superstar. He's also a filthy, perverted slag. He's posted a two-parter and it's like
Emanuelle Goes Down (on) the Farm.
Click below.
Emanuelle Goes Down (on) the Farm.
Click below.
Â
Crépuscule dans le Périgord Partie 82a: le Paradis Perdu
Â
Oh, what is it all for? What is the point? Or, as
mes compatriotes
would so cogently put it, “à quoi ça sent?” Such thoughts assailed me as I woke this morning to sub-zero temperatures. The lack of both fuel oil and wife to warm me didn't aid my mood. A diesel delivery is due
demain,
but Celine, I have reluctantly accepted, will not be returning.
mes compatriotes
would so cogently put it, “à quoi ça sent?” Such thoughts assailed me as I woke this morning to sub-zero temperatures. The lack of both fuel oil and wife to warm me didn't aid my mood. A diesel delivery is due
demain,
but Celine, I have reluctantly accepted, will not be returning.
Â
Matters did not improve over
le
petit
déjeuner
when
M. le Facteur
delivered a most unpleasant letter from Celine's solicitor. I repliedâen
français naturellementâ
explaining that I can perfectly well live without the stipend from her trust fund and I signed off with a thought beloved of
mon bien-aimé
Papin: “Les avocats sont l'excrément de la terre.”
le
petit
déjeuner
when
M. le Facteur
delivered a most unpleasant letter from Celine's solicitor. I repliedâen
français naturellementâ
explaining that I can perfectly well live without the stipend from her trust fund and I signed off with a thought beloved of
mon bien-aimé
Papin: “Les avocats sont l'excrément de la terre.”
Â
After such a start to the day, there is only one thing for it. I'm going to have to uncork the â59 Armagnac. I shall re-post later with an update.
Â
Crépuscule dans le Périgord Partie 82b: le Paradis Retrouvé
Â
Je suis ivre
and I am not ashamed to admit it.
Je suis plein comme un boudin, soûl
comme une vache
.
Oui,
I am as gloriously fucking drunk as
un triton crete.
Let me tell you,
lecteurs bien-aimés,
1959 was a very bloody good year for Armagnac.
and I am not ashamed to admit it.
Je suis plein comme un boudin, soûl
comme une vache
.
Oui,
I am as gloriously fucking drunk as
un triton crete.
Let me tell you,
lecteurs bien-aimés,
1959 was a very bloody good year for Armagnac.
Â
I feel renewed, reinvigorated, rezestified, if you will permit me to mint
un mot tout neuf.
Fuck Celine.
Je chie sur elle. Pardonnez moi mon Frangais
!! She and her ridiculous collection of 227 handbags can
brûler en enfer.
un mot tout neuf.
Fuck Celine.
Je chie sur elle. Pardonnez moi mon Frangais
!! She and her ridiculous collection of 227 handbags can
brûler en enfer.
Â
And to whom do I owe thanks for ma
renaissance glorieuse? Mon cher Papin, naturellement.
Though it was not until we were halfway through the bottle that I realized what
un ami indispensable
he has become. It was when he topped up my balloon and offeredâquite off his own batâto clear the last of Celine's bits and bobs from the bedroom.
L'homme
est un
voyant
! He knew
intuitivement
that, in my current febrile state, going through Celine's drawers would be
la derniere goutte.
renaissance glorieuse? Mon cher Papin, naturellement.
Though it was not until we were halfway through the bottle that I realized what
un ami indispensable
he has become. It was when he topped up my balloon and offeredâquite off his own batâto clear the last of Celine's bits and bobs from the bedroom.
L'homme
est un
voyant
! He knew
intuitivement
that, in my current febrile state, going through Celine's drawers would be
la derniere goutte.
Â
After manfully packing her remaining clothes, shoes and toiletries into several cases, he reappeared with a pair of silken culotte and matching
soutien-gorge
âpeach with ivory lace trim, La Perla, my gift to her for our nineteenth anniversary, if I'm not mistaken.
soutien-gorge
âpeach with ivory lace trim, La Perla, my gift to her for our nineteenth anniversary, if I'm not mistaken.
Â
The sight of said frillies finally broke me. I confess that since Celine's flight de chez nous, I have been affecting nonchalanceâor as they put it so much more poetically in these parts,
nonchalance.
But I could maintain the Robert Mitchum act no longer and the dam burst.
nonchalance.
But I could maintain the Robert Mitchum act no longer and the dam burst.
Â
“Vous les voulez pour Madame Papin?” I asked him. “Prenez-les,” I added, fighting back the tears en
souvenir
des jours
heureux.
souvenir
des jours
heureux.
Â
“On l'emmerde Madame Papin,” he snorted. “Elle est une grosse truie pustulente. Gardes-les, conard.”
Â
As he stepped over to me and proffered la lingerie, I felt a vague weakening of the knees, a palpable quickening of the heart.
Â
“Tailles-moi une pipe,” he commanded.
Â
“Mais je ne fume pas,” I protested.
Â
“Putain de merde, t'es un trou du cul,” he snarled, unbuttoning himself, placing his large calloused hand on top of my head and forcing it inexorably down. I meekly did his bidding, finding strange yet profound comfort in
mes nouvelles fonctions
as his
salope Anglaise dégoûtante.
mes nouvelles fonctions
as his
salope Anglaise dégoûtante.
Comment posted by
Eel Boy:
Eel Boy:
Don't *ever* stop blogging, Hornblower. You are the funniest guy in the world!!
Â
Comment posted by
Eel Boy
:
Eel Boy
:
PS: You are trying to be funny, aren't you? Just checking!!
Â
Comment posted by
Franglais:
Franglais:
Hornblower rocks! Il est les couilles du chien!
Â
Comment posted by
Cindy
CD:
Cindy
CD:
I have bras, panties, camisoles and garter belts, and also S. Dakota's biggest collection of size 8+ fuck-me pumps. Will send in exchange for photos. What are your sizes?
Â
PS: did he cum on your face, baby?
Â
Comment posted by
Le Pen Est Dieu:
Le Pen Est Dieu:
Tues la pute de ta race. Va te faire foutre en Angleterre et arrêtes de souiller mon beau pays.
Â
Comment posted by
ExPatrick:
ExPatrick:
Hi there, Hornblower. As a denizen of the Dordogne, I love your blogs and, as a fellow
expatrié assimilé,
they reassure me that we are not all
petit Anglais.
Keep the faith,
mon brave!
While I'm online, can you give me some advice? I can't find PG
expatrié assimilé,
they reassure me that we are not all
petit Anglais.
Keep the faith,
mon brave!
While I'm online, can you give me some advice? I can't find PG
Â
Tips (pyramid bags) anywhere. Any ideas??
Â
Comment posted by
littlepinkpony:
littlepinkpony:
Aidez-moi!!! Ma mère mâa fermé à clef dans ma chambre. Elle est folle et elle est affamée à la mort!!! Appelez la police. J'habite au Saginaw, MI. Je suis désolé pour mon mauvais Français!
Â
Comment posted by
Woody:
Woody:
You sound like one horny little sissy boy, Hornblower. I do like âem silk-clad and I'm rubbing myself now thinking how I'd take care of you. Any chance of posting some jpegs of your sweet self? Gotta go and “take care of business,” girlfriend. Back soon.
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