Eight Days (Love Always #1.5) (5 page)

Her arms slink around my neck, and she nestles into me, laying her head on my shoulder. It’s more personal than what’s typical for us, and it momentarily catches me off guard. As if realizing that, she pulls away.

“Uh, sorry,” she mutters under her breath. Then she slides off me and begins to grab for her clothes on the floor. “I should head back in there, Damian, but thanks. Hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep now.”

I nod. “Yeah, me too.”

As she gathers her stuff, she hands me mine. Silently, we scramble to get dressed, and already guilt sinks into the pit of my stomach. I dread going back to the third floor. To Kate.

I’m a fucking asshole.

Not only to her, but to Ellie, too.

God, I need a drink. Instead, I snatch the pack of cigarettes in my glove box. I pull one out and shut the car door behind me.

Ellie begins to walk across the parking lot. When she notices I’m not with her, she turns around.

“You coming?”

I shake my head and light up. “Go ahead.”

Ellie flashes me a disapproving glare. She’s used it on me before, and I know what’s coming. She takes a few steps toward me, frowning. “You need to quit that, Damian. It’s not good for you.”

I laugh. “Thanks for the advice, Elle.”

“I mean it. Liam would be disappointed—”

“In this?” I cut her off, holding up the cigarette. “Yeah, well, I’m sure Liam would be disappointed in a lot of things if he were here. But he’s not, Elle. He’s gone.”

She slinks up to me, and I can feel her body heat radiating off her and filling the small space between us. “Your brother loved you, Damian. He wanted what was best for you…and so do I.”

I take another drag and blow the smoke in her face. She doesn’t flinch at my asshole gesture. “That’s charming, Ellie. Really.”

“You’re better than this,” she says, nodding at the cigarette, but I doubt that’s all she means by her statement. “Liam would have wanted—”

I’m done with her lecture. “I know what he would have wanted.” I toss the butt and shove my hands into my pockets. “It’s the same thing Dad wants. I’ll never live up to it, though, Ellie, so stop. No matter what I do, it won’t bring Liam back.”

I hold her gaze for a second longer, until I see tears brimming in her eyes. Then, in true Damian style, I sweep past her and jog back into the hospital. As I pass the gift shop, I notice the sales lady is still there doing inventory. I duck inside and sweet talk her into letting me buy up all the flowers they have. It won’t stop the guilt that’s threatening to consume me, I know that.

I’ve royally fucked up again. With Kate. With Ellie. With my dead brother.

I take a detour and lay a bouquet of flowers at Ellie’s dad’s door. After how I left her outside, she’ll know they’re from me.

Then I take the stairs up to the third floor. With my arms loaded down with flowers, it’s difficult to open the door quietly, but I manage. Marcy’s still asleep in the extra bed; my arrival doesn’t disturb her.

I set the flowers with vases on Kate’s nightstands, and the rest I dump on the window ledge to deal with in the morning. Except one single red rose. I pull it out of the bundle and walk over to Kate’s bed and my empty chair.

Slowly, I scoot the chair as close to Kate’s head as I can. Beside me, the machines beep in a steady rhythm, and the sound works to undo me. I sit down, holding the rose in my hand, debating. Asking someone for their forgiveness is one thing, asking it of yourself is another.

I need to decide what the fuck I’m doing. Why, after everything that’s happened, I always seem to wind up here. Beside
this
girl.

I don’t know how much time passes as I watch her, fighting to come up with some logical reason for why she captivates me. The only thing I conclude is how pissed off I am at myself for letting her down tonight. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. Neither she nor Ellie is my girlfriend, and I don’t owe them anything.

Still, it eats away at me.

Finally, I lay the rose by Kate’s ear and run my fingertips over her face. So beautiful. So fragile. So innocent.

So not me.

All of my faults, my weaknesses, my mistakes rush out in one short sentence. “I’m sorry, Katie.”

~*~

When I finally wake up, it’s after noon. Marcy is gone, leaving Kate and me alone. I should enjoy this. But knowing what I did last night, how I left her for another girl, being alone with her seems like a moment I’m not worthy of.

I slide my hand over her face, any part of bare skin I can find. Touching Kate isn’t like touching Ellie. It’s like touching something so precious, so special that each time your fingers glide over it, you savor every second. Because someday it might disappear, and you’ll never get a second chance to appreciate it.

That’s what I’m doing now. Appreciating her.

I can’t lose this girl.

Kate, with all her strength, all of her goodness, is exceptional. All that Kate is, I want to hold in my arms and keep for myself. I want her to belong to me and only me.

Broken, undeserving me.

I shake my head. How many times have I had to apologize to her? Too many, and I know there’ll be more. It’s what scared shitless people do. Make mistakes and hide behind them.

My mind travels back to last night with Ellie, how I treated her. Liam would never have done that. My brother was a goddamn saint that I’ll never live up to.

I clench the muscles in my jaw, my fingers trailing down Kate’s neck. Her skin is too cool. The soft, smooth flesh warms under my touch, and I’d give anything to warm her entire body this way.

Kate needs her own Liam. Someone I’ll never be, but for her, I’m going to try my damnedest. I promised her that, and I’m doing a shitty job at keeping my end of our bargain.

“That all changes right now, baby,” I finish out loud, hoping she can hear me. “This time is for real. From here on out, you won’t even recognize me.

~*~

Two hours later when Leslie walks in, I smile at her. Marcy peeks up from behind her laptop and nods a hello.

“Here,” I say, standing up. “You can sit here if you want.”

I don’t want to give up my seat, especially to the nurse who hates my guts, but it’s what Liam would have done. You know, think of others before yourself and all that shit.

Leslie’s lips move like she’s going to answer me, but no sound comes out. I’ve made her speechless, which is quite an accomplishment, really. I laugh to myself. Had I known this trick earlier, I would’ve used it more often.

“Um, thank you, Damian, but I can’t stay long,” she finally says. “Any change?” she asks Marcy.

“No. Her blood work shows no improvement. I don’t know what else can be done for her,” Kate’s mom says. Her mouth tightens into a line.

Leslie hugs her, offering words of encouragement I can barely hear. Liam-like, I pull two tissues from the box beside me and hand them to Marcy when Leslie lets go of her.

Marcy dabs her cheeks. “Thank you, Damian.”

“You’re welcome. Can I get you anything else? A cup of coffee?”

“That’s very kind of you. Yes, coffee sounds great.”

Honestly, I should have been doing these things for Marcy all along. She’s not taken aback by my sudden offer, though. Like me, she’s been absorbed in her own world the last few days.

Leslie’s expression, however, has me chuckling. Her wide-eyed gaze follows me out of the room, digging into my back. This isn’t the me she’s grown to loathe.

That Damian has been an asshole to the nursing staff, Leslie especially. Besides my father, Leslie is my go-to person when it comes to what I’m supposed to do around here. I don’t listen to her, though, and the old Damian didn’t give a damn about her working extra hours to make up for what I failed to do.

As I make my way back to Kate’s room from the cafeteria, I pass Leslie in the hallway.

“Damian?” she says, stopping me.

“Yeah?”

I smile at her again, enjoying how my abrupt change in demeanor is freaking her out.

“Um…” She blinks. Then twists and points in the direction of Kate’s room, not saying anything comprehensible. “Uh…”

Damn, she’s flustered. It’s freaking hilarious.

“Leslie,” I say, “I know that since Kate’s been here, I haven’t been working, which adds to your load, and I’m sorry about that. If you need me for anything, you know where to find me.”

Leslie’s jaw drops open for a nanosecond before she snaps it closed. I may have overdone that offer. Too much too soon.

I don’t wait for a reply, but continue down the hall.

See? I can be a decent human being. Like Kate.

Like Liam.

~*~

That evening, I order in pizza for the Browdys, the nursing staff, and myself. The confused expressions on some of the nurses’ faces were golden. This was not the same person who smashed a hospital window last month and showed up drunk on a weekly basis.

I even gathered up all the empty carry-out boxes and took them to the janitor’s closet. Talk about going the extra mile.

Now, it’s midnight and Marcy is asleep on the other bed. I’ve had my phone on silent all day, in case Ellie tried to call. How can I be a saint and tend to Liam’s girlfriend at the same time? I haven’t figured that part out yet, but the last thing I want to do is have to apologize to Kate again.

I stuff the phone in my back pocket without looking at it. Then, two minutes later, I dig it back out and check the messages. There’s only one. From Ellie:

Me too.

This is her response to my floral apology, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why she’s sorry. I’m the one who took advantage of her, yelled at her, and left her alone in the parking lot.

I don’t dwell on it, though. I’m too tired. Being the good ol’ boy is exhausting. How could Liam stand it? I slide the phone back into my pocket and rest my head over my arms on top of Kate’s bed. I’m asleep in no time.

Day 5

I grimace at the sunlight that pours into the room, waking me up. When Liam was alive, he’d get up at the butt crack of dawn and either run or swim before anyone else was up. Sometimes, he’d even have breakfast made for everyone. Maybe the new Liam-Damian hybrid I’m working on can leave that part out. I’m not a morning person.

“Good morning.” Marcy’s voice greets me, and I squint at her. She’s already showered, dressed, and back on her laptop, nursing a cup of coffee.

“Right,” I answer, rubbing a palm down my face. I need to wake up, get ready, and do a repeat of yesterday. No mistakes today.

I grab my bag and head to the private bathroom. For a hospital, the water pressure in the shower is pretty decent. When I’m shaved and dressed, I wear a content expression that doesn’t belong to me and walk out, ready to fetch some breakfast for Marcy and me.

“I’m thinking biscuits and gravy today,” I say, dropping my bag in the far corner of the room. “What can I bring up for you, Marcy?”

She takes a sip of coffee and peers at me from over the rim. It takes a few seconds before she speaks. When she does, her motherly tone shines through.

“Damian, that’s very sweet, but I already ate. Why don’t you go ahead?”

Hesitant, my gaze skims over Kate. Even though her mom will be with her, I hate to leave. My record shows that I screw up when I leave this room, and I’m trying so damn hard to be deserving of her. Hell, I barely recognized myself yesterday.

But, as much as I dislike hospital food, I’m starving, and really, their biscuits aren’t too bad.

“Okay. I’ll be right back,” I say, mostly to Kate.

On the first floor, I round the corner into the cafeteria. I load my plate, grab an apple for later, and swipe my hospital ID card with the cashier. As I go to take my food upstairs, I see Ellie out of the corner of my eye. She’s sitting by herself in the far corner of the cafeteria, her gaze trained outside. I should stay on my trajectory as planned, but then Ellie bows her head, covering her face with her palms. Instantly, I divert and walk toward her instead.

I stay focused on her as I cross the room. She doesn’t move. Except when I get closer, I see her shoulders trembling. Her hands muffle the soft sobs.

“Ellie?” I say quietly so I don’t startle her.

She sniffles and dabs a napkin over her cheeks. I slide my tray onto the table and pull out a chair opposite her. She doesn’t acknowledge me, keeping her head down.

“What’s going on?” I ask when she doesn’t speak.

Ellie purses her lips and stares at her untouched food. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to look at me, so I scoot into the chair right beside to her and reach my hand up to her face, turning her head to me.

“What happened, Elle?” I ask again.

Whenever something goes wrong, Ellie tries to get a hold of me, but the last text I received from her was two nights ago.

Her eyes close, and a tear slips from one of them. I hold her chin between my thumb and forefinger, so when she opens her eyes, she’ll see me. See that I’m here for her.

Ellie’s lips tremble as she works to contain her sobs. Eventually, though, her eyelids lift, and I’m staring into the blue irises that I’ve grown to know so well. They glisten with moisture.

This moment, right here, takes me back to the nights when she broke down in my bedroom after Liam died. Ellie is hurting, and the fact that she won’t talk to me about it frustrates me. For the last two years, she’s come to me with everything, even stupid girly shit that I don’t give a rat’s ass about.

And for two years, I’ve been there for her.

“Come on, Ellie, talk to me,” I encourage her, my voice low and void of the irritation I feel over her silence.

It takes her a few seconds, and I can see in her expression that she’s debating whether to tell me or not. Finally, she sighs.

“My dad…he, uh…” She licks her lips, holding the bottom one between her teeth. “The stroke did a lot of damage to his brain. He can’t walk. He can barely talk, and Damian…”

Tears fall down her cheeks, and I let go of her chin to wipe them away.

“He doesn’t remember me,” she breathes out. She pauses, holding her breath. As she exhales, she reaches for me. Her face burrows into my neck making her next words barely audible. “I can’t do this again, Damian. I can’t lose anyone else.”

I get it. God, I get it.

Ellie and I understand pain, how it eats at you until there’s no other option than to numb it before it consumes you. They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but for us, it’s only taught us that we can’t handle this. Both of us are weak. Too weak to survive another round of heart-wrenching pain.

I hold her close and kiss her head. Like Ellie’s dad, Kate’s still alive, yet every second that passes and she doesn’t wake up, I feel her slipping away. I don’t know if she hears me, and if she does, does she equate my voice with me? Am I in her dreams like she’s in mine?

I don’t know what to say to comfort Ellie. Liam would know, but I’m not good at this stuff. Instead, I tighten my arms around her to protect her because I can’t fix this. Not the way I used to.

I lean my head against hers, allowing my mind to wander to Kate and me. I’m with Ellie instead of her again. And I’m justifying it by telling myself it’s because I’m keeping my promise to my brother, but I’m beginning to think I might be lying to myself. In all honesty, Ellie is comfortable. Safe.

Kate isn’t.

Kate is a stick of dynamite, and leukemia is holding the detonator.

But I've made up my mind; I’m going to be there for Kate. All the way. Until she tells me otherwise.

Ellie unwraps her arms from around my neck and leans back in her chair. “I’m sorry, Damian. I just have a lot on my mind right now,” she says, drying her face with her sleeve.

I shake my head. “No, it’s fine, Elle.” My next words spill out before I can stop them. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be here for you.”

Her eyes cut to me, and she holds my gaze. She knows me well, knows I’ve been distracted lately. She’s not sure whether to believe my offer, and quite frankly, neither am I.

Slowly, she nods. “Your breakfast is cold,” she says, changing the subject.

“It’s okay. I’m not hungry anyway.” My appetite has faded completely. I slide the tray across the table and pick it up. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?”

“Yeah, go,” she says, folding both hands around her Styrofoam coffee cup. “You probably have a lot to do today.”

I stand up. The obligation I feel to stay here with her tugs at me, but my need to be upstairs with Kate overpowers it. Even so, I glide my fingers down the side of Ellie’s face. “Call me anytime, Elle.”

My not staying speaks volumes, and Ellie realizes it, too. Two years of being there for her every beck and call is coming to an end. She doesn’t answer me right away, her eyes not wavering from the window.

“Sure,” she says, and by her tone I’m not sure she will.

I go to leave, take a couple of steps, then turn back around. “Ellie?”

She doesn’t answer.

I continue anyway, because I need to know. “What was it about Liam that made you fall for him?”

At the mention of his name, she lifts her head. I don’t talk about Liam. Not the way Ellie does. Her shoulders rise and fall, and for a moment, I wonder if she’s going to ignore me. But a second later, she swivels in her chair.

She tucks the locks of loose hair behind her ears before her eyes flick up to me. She doesn’t answer right away, but when she does, her voice is soft. “Liam was genuine. What you saw was what you got.”

~*~

I stay with Kate for the rest of the day. Marcy’s here too, working away on her laptop, searching for a miracle that can save her daughter. I hope she finds one.

At some point, I pick up my guitar and work through the song I haven’t finished. I’m mumbling the lyrics I have so far when what Ellie said about Liam enters my mind. Then suddenly, memories of the dinner Kate and I shared before she got sick takes its place. That night, I’d lost it in front of her, needing her like I’ve never needed anyone.

I can’t make sense if it on my own, so I allow my thoughts to spill out onto the page.

There are no reasons

That you’re searching for

I haven’t left the door open long

Please don’t stop looking

I need your understanding

I need you to make sure I land on my feet

Tell me you love me

Tell me you want me

Tell me that the world’s not over me

The one-sided deal I made with Kate seeps into my memory: if she’d wake up, I’d be better. Like Liam.

The rest of the song flows out of me.

The world’s not over me

Come find me

In my hiding place

I swear I’ll pray for you

I don’t know if you’ll follow through, but if you do

I’ll be waiting for you

To tell me you love me

That you hate that the world

Isn’t over me

The world isn’t over me

Strumming the last chord, I let it reverberate. I swallow, stunned at the realizations that came as I sang. I scan over the words again. It’s not perfect, but it will be.

Sometimes, the secrets of your life are revealed at the most inopportune times, and in the places you least expect.

Kate’s black diary on the nightstand catches my eye, and it’s like a light clicks on in my head. After all the shit I’ve done that she knows about—that I’ve done
to
her—she’s with me. Five days ago, she was with me.

Me. Not Liam.

Me.

I set my notebook aside and stand up. All I see is Kate. Even lying there, the girl takes my breath away. Seven years of fighting this disease, and, essentially, she’s done it alone. But not anymore.

Careful of the cords and tubes snaking into her, I climb onto the all-too-small hospital bed. I need to have her close. Yesterday, I’d been so busy trying to please everyone, I’d spent less than ten real minutes with the only person I care about pleasing.

I reach across her, sliding my fingers down her face. Her skin is warmer than it has been, and I can’t help thinking that’s a good sign. The coolness bothered me. Like she was dying.

“Katie,” I whisper into her ear. “Come back to me, baby.”

I brush my lips over her cheek, savoring how my breath wafts over her before it reverts back to me, now carrying her sweet scent.

I squeeze my eyes closed and gently press my forehead against hers. I’m close to losing it again. I shouldn’t need Kate this much. I shouldn’t need
anyone
this much.

But I do.