Enlightened (19 page)

Finally, thankfully, the evening wound down after a last walk through the food stands for elephant ears. The girls didn’t seem to notice that Jamie and I only picked at ours before throwing them in a nearby overflowing trash can. We held their hands as we made our way back to the car, Emma nearly beside herself to see Brenda holding my hand. When we reached Brenda’s house, where Emma would be staying the night, I walked Brenda up to the door while Jamie stayed in the car to kiss Emma goodnight. I kissed Brenda lightly on the lips and told her I’d had a nice time. She said that she’d had a nice time as well and wondered if we could do it again sometime, maybe without Jamie and Emma. I gave her a noncommittal shrug, my stomach in knots about having to do it all over again.

Emma was practically skipping as she passed me on the sidewalk and said, “Night, Bri.”

Jamie was quiet as he drove us back to his house. Of course, I was always glad for the opportunity to stay the night with him, but tonight I knew it was particularly important. Jamie was upset, and I couldn’t imagine going home and lying in my bed, staring at the cracks in my ceiling, just thinking about him. I wanted to be with him so that I could hold him and we could talk about it.

He shut off the ignition and, without waiting for me to follow, walked to the tree house and climbed the ladder. I followed quickly, and when I closed the trapdoor behind me, Jamie was already taking off his clothes and throwing them angrily across the room. When only his boxers remained, he crawled onto the mattress, facing the wall, and pulled up the sheet. A little worried, I pulled off my shirt and jeans quickly and crawled into bed behind him, propping myself up on my elbow and wrapping my arm around his waist. After a moment, he put his hand over mine, holding it there as I kissed his cheek gently. We were quiet for a long time before I felt him start to tremble.

“Why does it have to be so fucking hard?” he whispered, his voice breaking. My heart hurt as I pulled him back harder against my chest, holding him tightly. He pulled away almost at once, but I didn’t have time to be disappointed before he was rolling over and throwing his arms around me, burying his face in my chest. I felt warm tears against my skin, and I stroked his hair. Normally, when we would lie in bed, I would be in his arms with my head on his chest. Tonight, he needed that comfort, and I held him closely, hoping that he could feel my love for him.

“I don’t know, Jamie,” I whispered back, continuing to run my fingers through his soft blond hair as he clung to me. I didn’t know what else to say, what else I could say. He was right; it shouldn’t have to be so hard.

“I hate lying to them. Emma told me tonight that she loves me, and I just… I couldn’t say it back. That’s crossing a line that I can’t do. It makes me sick every time I see her, knowing that I’m just using her.” His voice was full of pain and regret. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him that it was something we had to do, but then I remembered the look on Brenda’s face after I’d kissed her. She looked like she’d won the lottery, and I would have to be the one to take that away from her. It wasn’t fair to them, and it definitely wasn’t fair to us.

“Maybe we should start dating other girls, so that they don’t get so attached,” I suggested, and he snorted humorlessly.

“Why, so we can have more collateral damage?” he asked, his arms tightening almost painfully around my waist as he kept his face pressed tight against my chest. “I’m not going to go to hell because I’m gay. I’m going because I’m a bad person.” Shocked at his statement, I pulled back quickly and dislodged him from me. Grabbing his chin, I pulled it up so that his red-rimmed eyes met mine.

“You are not a bad person, Jamie, not even close. You’re one of the best people I know, and I won’t listen to you talk about yourself like that. I love you, more than I thought I could ever love anyone, and it’s because you’re kind and generous and loving. If it bothers you, break up with her, and we’ll work it out another way. But don’t ever say that you’re a bad person, because I don’t think I would have survived this long without you.” Leaning down, I kissed him. It wasn’t a sexual kiss, just a slow, sweet expression of just how much I truly loved him.

“I am,” he whispered. “When I saw you kissing her, it hurt so fucking bad. I just wanted to pull you away and call her a… well, a bitch. Even though I know she didn’t deserve it. She doesn’t know how I feel about you.”

“I know, Jamie. Believe me, I know.”

We lay there in the darkness, clinging to each other until we both fell into fitful sleep.

Chapter 9

“
I
T
’
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just a retreat with a bunch of kids from church. We’re going down to the river to camp, swim, and fish. I thought it would be nice to go together. Well, not together-together, but… you know what I mean,” Jamie said, throwing his hands up in the air. “Look, it’s not uncommon for people to bring friends. To be honest, our youth group pastor has been wondering when I’m going to bring you on an outing. I thought this would be a good time.”

“You really want me to go with you?” After the date that I’d made him go on, how could I refuse him this?

“Yes, I really want you to go with me.”

“Then I will.” I kissed him lightly on the nose, and he grinned.

Later, his words rang in my head as the bus headed out of town on the highway that led to the campgrounds near the Anizati River where we would be spending Friday and Saturday night. According to the youth pastor, Ben, we would be returning home early enough for church on Sunday. God forbid we miss church on Sunday, even for a church activity. The weekend seemed important to Jamie, and after he had agreed to our date despite his legitimate fears, I could certainly hang out with him and the church crowd for a weekend of camping.

Sitting side by side on a bus full of mostly teenage boys, I felt more comfortable with Jamie in public than I had in a long time. We laughed and joked with the guys sitting in front of us. Bobby was going to be a junior at Madison High in the town next to Crayford, and Karl was an incoming junior at Crayford. They had become friends in the youth program and sounded almost as close as Jamie and I. I’m sure they’d been hanging out at church for years, and it was nice that they weren’t exclusionary about it, not like the social groups at school. They wanted to laugh and crack jokes with us just like we were a part of their group.

It was nice.

The drive to the campground took just over half an hour, and I started to get excited as we pulled into the lot where they would park the bus. I had never been camping before, and the prospect of doing so, especially with Jamie in the tent beside me, was exhilarating. Even though it was one of the weekends we would have spent Saturday night in the tree house, I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. We’d talked about it ahead of time and had decided that trying to fool around in the tent would be too risky, but it wasn’t always about sex with us; just being with Jamie was enough for me.

We filed out of the bus and lined up single file so they could account for all of us. I wasn’t sure if they thought one of us had jumped off the bus while it was in motion, but I guess if you were responsible for twenty or so teenagers, it was better to be safe than sorry. The few girls who had braved the trip, thankfully Emma not among them, stood huddled off to the side. The guys were spread into small groups and anxious to get the show on the road, Jamie and I included. He looked cute in his cutoff jeans and that blue T-shirt that was my favorite on him, his hair wild from the wind blowing through the open bus window. The heat in the bus had been stifling, so his face was a little red, but he still looked perfect to me.

We looked excitedly around the wide expanse of the campsite. The bright blue sky spattered with clouds set off the greenery completely—the shrubs, the trees. It was the picture of beauty, and with the sound of the river flowing in the background, the soundtrack was just right too. They unpacked the minivan where all of our gear was stored, setting the tents, sleeping bags, and backpacks on the ground. We swarmed the stuff, pulling our own gear onto our backs and waiting for further instructions.

“Okay, guys, I need for you to gather around while I give you your lot assignments. I want you to head straight there once you know where you should put up your tent. Build your campsites over the next hour, and then we’ll start getting things together to go swimming. After that is lunch, and then we’ll go over the evening Bible study itinerary,” Pastor Ben said, trying to compete with the excited babble from the rest of the campers.

“Two-twelve… Two-thirteen… Here, Brian, this is us, two-fourteen,” Jamie said as we walked along the man-made trail carved through the dense undergrowth. Except for the twenty or so high school kids laughing and fooling around, the campsite had a quiet majesty. It wasn’t a commercialized park like some others; there were no advertisements blocking the view of the trees. The only building to be seen was the ranger station, and I’m pretty sure there were no souvenirs to be found there. The founders of the place had taken great pains to keep it natural.

It was beautiful.

The flat, grassy, numbered lots that we were camping in were spread out on either side of the trail with a sort of cul-de-sac at the end, which was surrounded by huge leafy oaks. In the center of the semicircle of lots was a large campfire pit. A few of the chaperones had already begun to gather wood to build a fire before nightfall.

“Howdy, neighbors!” someone called from the next campsite, where Bobby and Karl were setting up their tent. It seemed that they had a little more experience than the rest of us, because in the short time since we’d left Pastor Ben, their tent was almost completely set up.

“Hi, Bobby, Karl,” Jamie greeted with a smile. I was happy that we were in such friendly company; since we had started our relationship, we had cut ourselves off from everyone, and I was looking forward to socializing with other people for a while. Briefly, I wondered if that was what Jamie had had in mind when he had invited me on the trip or if it was because he would have missed me as much as I would have missed him.

Pulling out the old tent that Jamie’s parents had given us, we organized the pieces on the ground and began to put them together. Jamie’s dad had gone through setting it up the night before, making us set it up and take it down three times before he deemed us ready to do it on our own. After all of the practice last night, Bobby and Karl only finished a few minutes before we did. Next, we crawled inside and set up the rest of our equipment, the sleeping bags and snacks.

“You know what this reminds me of?” Jamie asked with a smirk. Looking around at the canvas walls and floor, I shrugged, having no idea what he was talking about.

“Our tree house,” he whispered and then leaned forward. The kiss was brief but soft and sweet as he stroked my cheek lightly with his fingertips. “I’m glad that you’re here, Brian. I didn’t want to come without you and miss you all damned weekend.”

“Thank you for inviting me,” I told him, realizing for the first time since he’d asked me to go with him that my apprehension was gone. The tension in my stomach had eased, and I was truly happy to be there with him, even though we were with the people who hated gays and told us we were going to burn in hell. I guess there was really no way to avoid interactions with those kinds of people; they made up the majority of our world.

Our lips met in one last tender kiss, and then he sighed and crawled out of the tent. I allowed myself one huge smile, a feeling of triumph in my heart, before I followed him. The rest of the kids were gathering in a clearing near where we had received our lot assignments, laughing and talking. A couple of them were smacking a volleyball around while others were tossing a football. It was a laidback kind of atmosphere that felt very welcoming. We waited for our new neighbors and then headed over.

Pastor Ben went over the rules and precautions of swimming in the river. He made sure to stress that it wasn’t like swimming in a pool, that we needed to be aware of the current and be sure we could always see the red flag of the campsite. After about ten minutes of lecturing, he let us go back to our tents to change. It was everything I could do not to watch Jamie, naked next to me in our little tent.

God, I wanted to touch him.

Fortunately, we were both more frightened of what would happen if we were caught than we were aroused. So as much as I wanted to touch or kiss him, or even just hold his naked body against me, I kept my distance. We changed quickly, tossing our discarded clothes into the corner of the tent before heading out to join the others. It was a clear, hot day, perfect for swimming. Pastor Ben said that we would have a couple of hours to swim and relax before dinner.

When we got down there, a couple of guys I hadn’t met had started a game of touch football near the bank of the river. They asked Jamie and me to join, but we wanted to get in the water.

“Maybe later,” Jamie told them with a grin as we waded out into the river. He was in higher spirits than I had seen him in a while. I wasn’t sure if it was due to being with his friends from church or because he was with me, but it didn’t matter as long as he was happy.