Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (23 page)

An ‘unpaid opportunity’ tends only to be an opportunity for the people offering the opportunity, dear.

Fringe Theatre

Whilst it is not good for the bank balance, sometimes a fringe-theatre job can be a brilliant way of marketing yourself and showing yourself in a different light. I have been to many fringe shows recently and have been bowled over by the excellent performances and wonderful production values.

It used to be presumed that a fringe show would be second-rate, and performed by a company of inebriated amateurs. I remember many awkward evenings being bribed to accompany an agent to see their clients perform in what can only be described as a converted toilet at the back of a mouldy public house. Whilst there is nothing wrong with converted toilets, they are not generally the most accessible of surroundings to turn into an adequate theatre space. However, I am pleased to report that many fringe venues these days pride themselves on producing shows equal in standard to the West End – and in some circumstances even better.

The problem that has always faced fringe venues is the reluctance of people to pay £15 to £25 to see a show in a small, cold theatre when they can pay the same money for a seat in a West End one (albeit a seat in the upper circle with a pillar in front of them). Also it used to be that the lure of ‘names’ in West End theatres made them far more desirable.
However, things are changing, and even ‘names’ now embrace the joy and creativity of appearing in these smaller, more intimate spaces.

London has a host of marvellous fringe venues – the Union, King’s Head, Southwark Playhouse, Jermyn Street and Finborough, to name but a few. I always admire and applaud those actors and company members who dedicate so much of their time – often for no fee – to create this kind of theatre. The joy of fringe theatre is that the space is so intimate you can almost smell the actors. This is not always a good thing, particularly in the second half of a sweaty musical, but the fact that the actors are so close means they have no way of hiding. They are performing inches in front of you – which is thrilling.

There are some people who find this intimacy rather intimidating. At the other end of the scale there are people who find it a little
too
thrilling. There was a man in the early eighties who used to go to all fringe shows in a large mac. His hand would disappear in his coat as soon as any beautiful actors walked on stage and he’d start fiddling around under there. Of course, we all presumed Michael Billington was just writing notes about the show, but on the one occasion I sat next to him I wondered if he was doing something else. I don’t know. Anyhow, he’s a very nice man, so we never talk about that, dear.

Many fringe venues have a flexibility that some of the larger theatres do not have, so they can support and nurture new writing. Some bigger venues do their bit and offer courses and workshops – but because of the huge financial risk involved in putting on new work, it is often deemed far too risky. This is where fringe theatre comes into its own. Whilst fringe venues themselves are not cheap to hire – with running costs, marketing and staff to pay for – they can provide the perfect platform for new work. And recently, as a result, some of this new work has transferred to bigger West End theatres – proving fringe theatre to be a marvellous launch pad for emerging artists.

I am not a fan of anyone having to work for free – although it is rather useful for my bank balance. Some of my dear actor friends tell me it is hard enough for artists to make a decent living on Equity minimum, and virtually impossible when working for nothing. Some companies offer travel expenses, and others offer a share of the profit. However, it is very rare that a show in the West End, let alone a fringe venue, makes much of a profit – unless you are lucky enough to produce a real winner. It is a sad fact that most profit-share shows don’t actually have any profit to share. Most of the time a show will just cover costs – which is very tough on the actors and technical team who offer their services for nothing. It is a very difficult position, as actors wish to look like they are working – and sometimes simply want to stretch their acting muscles. They also see fringe theatre as a super opportunity to perform roles that they would otherwise not have the chance to do. In truth, the only way that this will change is if everyone stopped working for nothing. It would demand a total change of culture, attitude and value in our industry. We can but hope.

Actors – remember: no one actually knows what they’re doing. So keep pretending. Eventually you’ll make everyone believe that you do, dear.

I used to be a tour de force. Now I’m just forced to tour.

Touring

I have known many actors who have set off on tour and are never heard of again. They have got lost in the twilight zone of theatre digs and regional theatre green rooms. So whether you are performing in a Theatre in Education tour of
Lord of the Rings
, or a number-one tour of
Fifty Shades of Grey: The Musical
, learning how to survive on tour is vitally important.

National tours can be a lot of fun, and allow you to discover, explore and copulate in many of the most exciting and historical theatres in the UK. Some theatres are big, some are small and some are just medium. But, of course, it’s not the size of the theatre, it’s what you do with them that counts. When travelling to these theatres you will often get the chance to meet and befriend some of the strangest creatures on the planet: the resident stage crew. These people are invariably very nice and, just like the theatres they work in, come in all different shapes and sizes. There are fly-men,
spotlight operators, stage managers, crew, master carpenters and stage-door keepers. Each one of them will have their own hiding place in the theatre – and many of them never actually leave the building. You should always try and get on their good side by giving them Carlsberg, Fosters and, most importantly, Special Brew.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do TIE.

Before a tour begins, you will invariably be given a ‘digs list’. Every regional theatre has a digs list. The digs list is meant to contain information about the accommodation that is available for each theatre. In truth, the digs list tends to be just names and addresses of horny old ladies who want to show you their panty collection. In fact, an easy way to bypass the theatre digs list altogether is by purchasing a local copy of
Readers’ Wives
.

When booking digs I advise you to find somewhere close to the theatre. This avoids long walks and arduous bus journeys – and makes drunken staggers home easier. There is nothing worse than getting drunk in the morning and having to walk half an hour to the theatre for your matinee.

When arriving at your digs for the first time you should make sure your room has a bed. I have heard countless stories where actors have turned up to their digs only to discover that the room they are staying in is, in fact, a hallway, outhouse or shed. I even heard of one actor that stayed in a toilet for a week in Scarborough. But apparently Martin Shaw paid extra for that.

Some actors even like to share digs with fellow cast members. This can be a clever way of saving money. If you get on with your fellow cast then there is no reason why this shouldn’t work. But there are things you have to be prepared for. Many actors ‘change’ when in different surroundings –
particularly in the early hours of the morning. I remember a spate of sightings in Cornwall that made the national news – where people thought there was a beast on Bodmin Moor. It was, in actual fact, just Brian Blessed on all fours after a particularly heavy night.

Saving money on tour can be very difficult, even if you are lucky enough to be on Equity minimum. Many actors find that they are forced to pay double rent – for both their home as well as their digs on tour. Some people deal with this by subletting their home to other actors. But always do your background checks first. You don’t want someone staying in your room who only did a one-year drama course.

Also, ‘eating out’ can become an expensive habit on tour – albeit a tasty one. At any one time there are thousands of starving actors touring the UK – and you can usually find them convening on a daily basis in some of the countries most well-established and critically celebrated restaurants. Wetherspoon’s is a particular favourite, dear.

It is very easy to fall into the habit of going to the pub every night after your show. Whilst this is a very sociable way of relaxing, after a few weeks you will realise that you are spending your entire wage on beer, salty snacks and quiz machines. And then there’s the coffee. An actor is legally obliged to turn up to rehearsals with a cup of coffee. So, if on average an actor drinks two cups of ‘bought’ coffee a day – amounting to around £5 – then a rehearsal week of six days is £30 – and a monthly spend is at least £120. If you are doing a one-year contract that amounts to nearly £1,440 on
just
coffee. Which could be your tax bill for the year!

When a touring show is advertised as ‘direct from the West End’ it usually means it did a two-week run at the Charing Cross Theatre, dear.

Eating on Tour

I always advise actors to take multivitamins with them on tour, along with a selection of fruit and vegetables. You have to protect your immune system – particularly when tech week is upon you. Tech weeks are exhausting experiences, and your successful completion of them cannot rely solely on alcohol and cigarettes. Over the years I have lost many a good actor during tech week, mainly due to a bad diet, an increased amount of alcohol, and a lack of respect for the stage crew.