Finding Refuge (18 page)

His temper flared and spilled over. “Do you have any idea
what I go through for you, Dan? Do you?”

“Don’t be a martyr, Travis. I know my problems have bled
over onto my family, but you don’t have to be that involved. Just be my
brother.”

“I am being your brother.”

“Yeah? Well, you suck at it.” Dan gathered the cash, stuffed
it in his pocket, and stormed out.

Travis stared at the ceiling for a long while after he heard
his brother’s motorcycle speed away. His chest ached with stress. The one thing
he needed most right now was Andri. He hated asking her to soothe him when she
was recovering from her own hellish week, but the fetid slew in the well of his
mind had been slowly rising for days. He barely kept his nose above the surface
and he was growing tired of treading water. With Andri filling his senses, he’d
be able to stop thinking, just float for a while. He hoped that he could fill
her needs as well, help her turn off the stress of work and rejuvenate.

He hadn’t seen her since he woke up with her Tuesday
morning. Would it be too presumptuous to show up at her place and let himself
in? She’d given him a key but he hadn’t had the chance to use it yet.

He shook his head. Too much whirling around in there,
threatening to swamp him. He collected the contracts he came for and left the
office.

****

Andri rose from the sofa as a knock on the apartment door
sounded. As she crossed the floor, the sound of a key in the lock shot her
heart into orbit, followed by a pulsing heat rolling straight to her core.
Travis.

He let himself in, locked the door, and turned toward her.
Darkness and exhaustion shadowed his face, but when he looked at her, the
combination of relief and apprehension called to her soul. Her need answered
his and she opened her arms to him. Two quick strides and he threw his arms
around her, crushing her to him. His mouth sought hers, hot and desperate,
tongue tangling with her own, unable to get close enough fast enough.

They tore at their clothes, need pouring over them, leaving
them gasping for air and each fighting to hold the other closer, tighter. He
lifted her against the wall, his touch finding her ready and wanting. He slid
home and everything within her begged for more. He gave her everything she
needed, driving her to that kind of relief and renewal only he could provide,
and when she cried out and shattered, he followed.

Silence cocooned them as he held her, leaning heavily
against her. He shifted back, keeping her in his arms, and made his way to the
sofa. He carefully laid her down and settled beside her, arms around her waist,
a leg over hers, his head pillowed on her breast. She stroked his hair,
reveling in his closeness. It was really ridiculous to have missed him so much,
but she couldn’t help it.

Something was off, though. While she’d released all the
tension she’d carried home from work, he clearly hadn’t. She still felt the
pressure radiating from his skin. “Think you might share what’s got you so tied
up in knots, Travis?”

Silence answered her for a moment, then he said, “You’re
good at that.”

“What?”

“Seeing what’s going on in my head.”

“Not hard tonight. So what’s bothering you?”

He groaned. “I’m sorry, Andri. I didn’t want to carry this
in here with me.”

She kissed his hair. “Don’t worry about it. Talk to me.”

“It’s Daniel. We had a fight before I came over.”

“Well, that explains a lot.” As hard, hot, and fast as
they’d gone at each other, there had to be more than general frustration
driving it.

“I caught him taking money from petty cash. He said it was
to pay a guy who did some work for him, but how can I know for sure? It
wouldn’t be the first time he swiped money for drugs.”

Yikes. That had to hurt. “Do you think he’s relapsed?”

He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at her. “I
don’t know. I mean, the usual signs aren’t there, but still, how do I know? I’m
so worried about him, and he ended up mad at me for judging him.”

She drew a finger along his forehead, down his cheek. “If he
is clean, I can see where he would feel that way.”

His brow knitted, frustration filling his eyes. “I hate that
you do that, sometimes.”

“What?”

“See both sides of things, like a referee. You’re supposed
to be on my side.”

She caressed his jaw. “I am. I’m trying to help you navigate
this.”

Travis turned his face into her palm, pressing a kiss to her
flesh. “He invited me to go to a party tonight, meet his friends. Supposedly his
good friends as opposed to his druggie crowd.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He frowned. “I wanted to be with you.”

She smiled a little. Did he have any idea how he tugged at
her heart? “I’d have still been here, Travis. Do you spend any time with him,
really, or is it all about his problems?”

Tension rippled over his frame. “I’m not a bad brother,
Andri.”

“I didn’t say that. I said, maybe you do need to spend time
with him, and try to ignore everything that’s come before.” She sat up when he
did and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Look, I’m not saying that’s easy. It
takes monumental effort for me, just talking to my mother on the phone, to
focus on how she is now instead of who she was for most of my life.
Instinctively, I expect the monster every single time. And sometimes I get it,
even now. For my dad, it wasn’t until the end of his life that he realized he’d
been so focused on trying to save her that he’d stopped treating her like the
love of his life. There was so little left of their relationship.”

Travis turned away from her and scrubbed his hand through
his hair. “Damn, I can’t win tonight.” He stood and reached for his clothes,
yanking them on.

She cringed inside at the anger etched in his expression.
Why did she always do that? She’d never learned how to be quiet when she
should, preserving someone’s feelings rather than pushing forward in an effort
to help. Now she’d pushed too hard. “Travis.”

He thrust his foot into a shoe and pulled his car keys from
his pocket, looking disheveled and beyond frustrated. “Andri, I have given
everything I have to take care of Danny and protect him, and suddenly everyone
is telling me I’ve done it wrong. I already know I’m a failure, I don’t need
everyone else piling on.”

She rose, but resisted the urge to crowd him. He raised his
palm to her, freezing her in place. “Listen, I can’t do this tonight. I’m
angry, and frustrated, and if I don’t leave now, I’m going to say something
I’ll regret.”

She crossed her arms over her middle, nodding. He closed the
door softly behind him and she let out a heavy sigh. She hated where his head
was, but she knew why he was there. What killed her was not knowing how to pull
him out of such a vicious cycle. He alone could do that.

She took a fast shower, then lay in bed, staring at the
ceiling in the dark. Her people skills could only take her so far, and her man
skills clearly didn’t extend this far. Her experiences with an addict, the
things she had learned, weren’t the only path to survival, but they were all
she had to offer to Travis, to help him in his struggle. Yet, she dreaded the
feeling that she was troubleshooting in the dark. She had no idea what to do,
going forward, aside from somehow learning to bite her tongue when tempted to
give advice.

Good thing she was working again. She found comfort in the
world of networks and hardware and software. Those concrete things she
understood. Even when something was glitchy in her work world, it was always
something built in, something tangible that she could find and fix. People on
the other hand…even when she could pinpoint the problem, she couldn’t just swap
in a replacement chip or board. Travis would have to fix himself or remain
forever tortured.

Why did that nugget of reality have to hurt so much?

Chapter Eleven

Travis sat in the truck after leaving Andri, waiting for the
traffic light to change. He hated how he felt, and even worse, he hated that
he’d lashed out at Andri. What the hell was wrong with him? Was he trying to
push her away? He should be listening to her advice. She’d been there. But his
stubborn refusal to fail tripped him up, again and again.

He called before he hit Parley’s Canyon.

“Hi.” Andri sounded reserved. Cool. What did he expect?

“Hey. Thanks for picking up. I half expected to be groveling
on voice mail.”

“I much prefer to receive groveling via live connection. In
person is best, but I’ll take it over the phone.”

He took the next exit, driving back under the interstate so
he could return to the valley. Going home wasn’t an option. He knew where he
needed to be. “I have no excuses for lashing out at you. I’m so sorry,
sweetheart.”

He waited for a second, then, hastily added, “Let me do that
again as soon as I can get back to you. I’ll apologize properly, at your feet.
I’ll beg forgiveness on my knees. I’ll do it at your door if you don’t want to
let me in.”

She sighed. “Travis. You’ve apologized. It’s okay.”

“Yeah, but it was a phone apology. Lame.”

“Could’ve been worse. You could have texted.”

That made him chuckle in spite of himself, but it was a momentary
respite. “Is it okay if I come back to you tonight? I’ll do whatever you want
me to.”

She sighed. “Travis. You’re forgiven. Come home to me.”

 When she disconnected, he turned his attention to the
road, determined to reach her as quickly as he could without being pulled over.
This had to stop. He was pushing his luck with her. One of these days, she’d
hit breaking point with his attitude, and then she’d be gone for good. He
wouldn’t blame her. In fact, he’d have no one but himself to blame, and wasn’t
that exactly what he was trying to avoid in the first place? He cursed. He was
damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. But for now, for tonight, she was
waiting for him. He shut down his thoughts and drove.

****

Travis had been a workaholic since his divorce, and he’d
watched Andri put in her share of killer days. In an effort to strengthen what
he had with her, Travis made a point of cutting back on the overtime as much as
he could over the next couple of weeks to spend time with her. She trimmed her
own schedule in return.

One Thursday night, Travis found himself desperately trying
to beat Andri on the new first-person-shooter game she’d picked up.
Unfortunately, she was a terror with a game controller in her hands and she was
kicking his ass.

She was closing in for the kill when her newly adopted gray
cat, Fluffball, ripped around the corner of the sofa and pounced on Andri’s
bare feet. She shrieked, and Travis took advantage of the distraction of kitty
claws and blasted her avatar on screen. “Yes! Nice timing, Fluff.”

Andri shooed the cat away and gave him a dirty look, though
the sparkle in her eyes dampened the effect. “You and the cat are ganging up on
me. That’s terrific.”

The cat chose that moment to jump up on Travis’s lap and rub
his head against his forearm. He scratched Fluffball’s ears. “Guys have to
stick together, especially when a girl is beating one of them at a game she
shouldn’t be good at.”

Her brows lifted. “That I shouldn’t be good at? Why, because
I’m a girl?”

“Anything I say to that is going to be wrong, isn’t it?”

“Probably. Might want to stop while you’re ahead. Best two
out of three?”

“You’re on.” His phone rang, startling the cat off his lap.
He fished the phone out of his pocket, cursed under his breath, then answered.
“Hey, Dan. What’s up?”

“Trav, uh, hey. Are you busy?” His voice sent a tremor
through Travis’s gut. He knew that low, not-quite-normal tone, the slight slur
in his words.

“Damn you, Daniel. You’re drunk.”

“Um, not entirely. Couple other things all mixed in there
too. Listen, I’m kind of in trouble and I need you.”

Andri placed a hand on his thigh, her expression rich with
concern. He covered her fingers with his, siphoning strength. “What’s going on?
Where are you?”

“I was hanging out with a couple of guys, and more people
showed up, and it got outta hand. And I did some stuff, so that was kind of
fucked-up, but I could be way more wasted, so that’s good, right?”

“Yeah, that’s a huge improvement. Just a little wasted
instead of completely.” He cringed at the cruel edge in his tone, but at the
same time, it was all coming to a head now, frustration rushing up from the
cauldron deep inside him, threatening to cut off his voice, cut off his air,
force him under the torrent. “What do you want from me, Dan?”

“We took a little roadie, so now I’m—oh, where the fuck are
we? Oh, yeah. Wendover. I’m broke and I could use some cash. ’Cause, you know,
we got a room, but I want to hit the buffet and I think Korbin’s car’s out of
gas so that makes getting home tomorrow…oh. Hey, so I’m stuck, I guess. I
didn’t drive and that’s a really good thing because I am way not safe on the
road right now, but I swear to God, if you get me some cash, I won’t even play
roulette. Except I might win, so I could pay you back and then some, right?”

When Travis didn’t respond, Danny said, “Please? Come on,
hook me up, Trav.” Someone in the background mumbled something and Danny
laughed. “Yeah, hey, don’t sit there doing the pissed off big bro thing. Cut me
some slack or I’m gonna be stuck out here.”

God, he was so tired, exhausted deep down to the tattered,
dark pit where his threadbare soul huddled against the cold, raging sea. He
looked into Andri’s eyes, seeking comfort. As long as he kept giving Danny
everything he wanted, when he wanted it, he was never going to learn to take
care of himself. “Danny, you cannot be serious. Why do you think I’ll bail you
out of this little adventure?”