Finger Food (4 page)

Chapter 8

For once Yvonne wasn't getting to Bella. She was having too much of a good time. She was finally getting the chance to shine. She looked out at the small crowd and stepped forward.

‘I'll fill in for a few minutes, Yvonne, no problem. Could we have the healing music on, the CD you use for
Master Pet
?'

‘What?' Yvonne sounded anxious. She doesn't want me presenting in front of Tony, Bella realised. She's terrified he'll think I have talent.

‘I'm taking the audience into a visual exercise,' explained Bella. ‘So if you could just roll the tape, Yvonne.'

There was a loud grumpy sigh followed by a click.

Whale music began to filter out into the studio.

‘So if we could all shut our eyes,' said Bella, sliding into a calm version of her presenter's voice. ‘That means you as well, Yvonne, thank you.'

Bella glanced out into the audience. They were sitting obediently with their eyes closed.

‘Imagine you are on a beach,' she intoned. She noticed Fiona, her eyes wide open, staring at her phone and willing it to ring.

‘Are you shutting your eyes, Fiona? Because this really only works if you shut your eyes, and it could very possibly change your life.'

Fiona closed her eyes.

‘Can I open them if I get a text?'

‘No. It'll be a lovely surprise afterwards … So imagine you are on a beach or alternatively you can pick a grassy knoll.'

Fiona interrupted again. ‘Just to … er … clarify, what is a knoll?'

‘A knoll is a small hillock,' said Bella, keeping the same calm voice. ‘So choose now, or go back to the beach. The waves are lapping for the beach group, and there is a soft mossy carpet of green for the hillock group.'

‘I'm on the hillock.' Fiona's face was screwed up in concentration.

‘Good, that's reassuring … now let's send out loving rays. Are you receiving the rays?'

The music cut out suddenly.

‘Bella, we've got a hold-up in make-up,' bellowed Yvonne's crisp, mean voice. ‘They're sending out for some more hair tongs. Go to the table display quickly, please.'

‘Table display,' repeated Bella. ‘Table display, Fiona?'

She looked across at Fiona who had sunk down in a chair and was deep in a trance, as were most of the audience. The St John Ambulance lady's knitting had unravelled and her knees had flopped over into the lap of the man with the bow tie.

Bella shook Fiona gently awake, feeling surprisingly maternal. Fiona sprang back into reality and looked around at the studio in confusion.

‘Table display?' said Bella. Fiona blinked for a long moment, mouthing the words, and then jumped up and ran off.

Bella went round and clapped the audience awake. They all stretched, had a good yawn and seemed to be in much better spirits than before. The bow-tie man helped the St John lady rewind her wool. Bella thought they made a nice pair and found herself hoping Zee Zee would come through for Fiona. Such a sweet girl.

‘Bella!' shouted Yvonne. ‘We're running the hairy fruit feature. You should know this one at least.' Then thinking herself off-mike she added to Tony. ‘This is some strange little idea Bella came up with after I'd put together the pitch for
Finger Food
, and I thought it was only fair to let her try it out.'

Bella was outraged. She remembered Yvonne suggesting she should add a strange section on making a table display by gluing fruits together. She'd privately thought it would never work but hadn't dared question Yvonne at the time. Now she'd been left to exhibit Yvonne's bad idea and get the blame when it went wrong.

Bella sat herself at the table display area and checked the props list as subtly as she could manage.

Yvonne called,‘Action!'

Imagine yourself to be Nigella Lawson, only with a tube of glue,she told herself.

‘So!' She spoke confidently into the camera. ‘Let's make a table display with some glue and some fruits. I'm using these pawpaws!' she looked around for the fruit. Fiona rushed on with some coconuts.

Bella said, ‘Those aren't pawpaws.'

‘I think they're called coconuts, Bella.'

‘It says here pawpaws.'

‘Which I Googled and it said “hairy fruit” in brackets,' replied Fiona. ‘I think. Anyway, I brought some waxing strips as well,' she added helpfully.

Bella decided to change tack.

‘Right, ladies and gentlemen. I'm giving these coconuts a Brazilian because I know some people are squeamish about hair … which is all very
Sex in the City
and should please the chief executive of Flair TV who is busy making decisions about the future direction of the show … Hi, Tony, if you can see me!' Bella gave a little wink up to Tony.

She then pressed the waxing strip to the coconut and whipped it away with a flourish. She glued the ‘de-fuzzed' coconut into a table-display setting with a candle on a saucer and sat back to admire her handiwork.

‘Lovely for a family lunch or even a christening,' she declared triumphantly. Confidence was all. There was even a small outbreak of applause.

Yvonne's voice boomed out.

‘Bella … the wine guest has cancelled. Double-booked herself for a tasting.'

‘Lucky her!' Bella winked at the audience. ‘If only we all had that problem!' But confusion was setting in. Hadn't Yvonne been talking about the arrival of a guest in make-up? Fiona had returned to the floor and was looking distinctly uneasy.

‘Fiona, can you ask Bella if she will double as the wine guest?'

Bella looked curiously up at the gallery. ‘What? Interview myself, you mean? Won't that look a bit … er, mad?'

But it seemed Yvonne was no longer talking to Bella.

‘Fiona, have you had that
little word
with Bella I asked you to have?'

‘What word?' asked Bella, wondering what was going on. ‘What “word”, Fiona?'

Fiona's face had crumpled and she was staring at the floor.

‘I'm sorry, Bella,' she whispered. ‘I couldn't tell you. I just couldn't …'

Yvonne's voice boomed out. ‘Fiona, could you tell Bella what we discussed now or you are sacked from this moment forth!'

Bella looked at Fiona kindly.

‘You can tell me Fiona? What is it?'

‘Look, I can't soften the blow … err … Juliet Parker's here so …'

‘Juliet Parker's the next guest? … But that's fantastic news!'

‘Yes, I suppose it is.' Fiona chewed her fingernail. ‘She was delayed in Paris at the Ideal Pelmet road show …'

Bella asked Fiona, ‘Am I doing it, then?'

Fiona looked shifty. ‘Doing?'

‘Doing the interview with Juliet Parker?'

A possible answer as to why Fiona was acting so oddly came to her. She probably thought Bella might fall apart in the presence of such a big celebrity. Juliet had been a top designer on daytime TV in the nineties.

‘Fiona, there's no need to worry!' said Bella. ‘I'm a huge fan of Juliet Parker. I'm excited, not nervous!'

Fiona was still looking very guilty indeed. But Bella was too excited about doing an interview with her heroine to worry. Juliet Parker was a legend in the daytime TV world of re-designing homes on a budget.

Though Juliet usually hosted shows, so it was a bit strange that she was coming on as a guest … But Bella was a professional. Well, she was now.

‘I can hardly breathe! The scoop of the century! Juliet Parker on my pilot! Can we have the next props then, Fiona?'

But Fiona was back on the phone.

‘Zee Zee? I'm just phoning to say that you are everything to me, no pressure or anything … I'm just leaving a second message now because I realised you might need two, before you reply … as some sort of test. Also … if your phone's been robbed and you're the robber listening to this … could you let me know that he's safe? And that you haven't maimed him too badly? His wallet's in his blazer pocket … help yourself to the Boots' vouchers but leave thephoto of us horsing around.'

Bella moved her attention to the audience to keep them as excited as she was.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce someone who is as famous for designing gorgeous sitting rooms as she is for wearing her tight white jeans! And not only that, she is going to help us taste our very own
Finger Food
summer wine selection!'

Bella moved back into the kitchen area to see that a tray of opened wine bottles had been laid out with two glasses. She poured herself a glass and raised it in a toast.

‘Ready for Juliet! Cue music!' Yvonne's voice cut across the studio.

Bella took a nervous sip. Then it hit her. She was on TV, interviewing Juliet Parker! Surely this called for a celebration drink! The audience were on her side, she knew they were. She took another few gulps of wine.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Juliet Parker!'

Chapter 9

With the
Finger Food
jingle playing, Juliet Parker made her entrance. All in white. White tight jeans were teamed with a white kaftan top. Her hair was white (with yellow streaks) and her skin pale (white).

As the wine hit her Bella had a sudden vision of Yvonne and Juliet as black and white queens.

Juliet's trousers were also tight but, Bella noticed, hung fashionably from her slim frame. She looked at her own itchy woollen trousers, courtesy of Anna Ford, with regret. Then Juliet swept past her. ‘Hello, hello everyone! At last! I've been stuck on Eurostar first class while they sent someone back to Paris to get me another coffee. Juliet swung round to Fiona. ‘I'm dying for a decaf now – I'm all jittery! You couldn't fetch us a coffee, could you sweetheart?'

But Fiona had gone a peculiar shade of green. ‘I … I don't feel so well,' she managed, looking pleadingly at Bella. ‘All this excitement with Zee Zee. And that food colouring from this morning. I think … I think I'm going to be sick.'

‘Go and have a lie down,' whispered Bella. ‘We can manage without you.'

She looked at the empty kitchen area. How would the set-up for the final feature get arranged without Fiona? But the poor girl really did look unwell. Bella glanced again at her sweating face.

‘Fiona!' Yvonne's voice pierced the studio. ‘You're behind with the raspberry ice cream feature. Get the blender and the cakes on set now!'

‘But I …'

‘Now! Fiona. Unless you want to be out of a job.'

Fiona scuttled away looking very ill.

Juliet waved up towards the gallery.

‘Hello, Yvonne, up there in your box … Hello Tony, hello darling! I'm wearing the necklace.' She pointed to an expensive-looking diamond at her throat.

‘OK Tony, where do you want me?'

Bella opened her mouth and shut it again. Juliet was obviously so used to playing the host that she made a poor guest. Bella would need to take a firmer hand.

‘Welcome, Juliet.' She stepped in to guide her towards the wine selection. ‘If you could come on here.'

Juliet looked confused.

Bella turned to face the audience and said, ‘She's just come from Paris to London in one day, ladies and gentleman! You must be exhausted.'

Juliet smiled with grace. ‘Not as bad as last week. I did Milan, New York and Madrid in one day! Shall we do the wine section now, then? Is the guest not here?'

Bella paused for a moment. Juliet must be muddled over how many guests would be appearing.

‘Well you're here now!' said Bella cheerfully. Fiona had clearly not managed to brief Juliet properly, but she could cover for the mistake.

‘So shall we get on with it?' continued Bella, steering Juliet towards the counter.

Bella poured two glasses of wine and drank a gulp out of both of them. Perhaps she had peaked? She moved back to her seat in a bid to appear more in control.

‘I'm starting in five, Juliet, so just to be aware …' She saw a flutter of paper in Juliet's hand. Why had Juliet been given a script when she, the presenter, hadn't?

‘Oh! Are you going to pretend to be my guest?' asked Juliet. ‘They told me there was a double-booking with a wine tasting.'

The words floated over Bella as she counted herself in with increased confidence. She took another swig of wine. ‘In three, I'll cue myself, we're rolling …'

As the
Finger Food
jingle began playing Juliet leaned across. ‘I love your trousers by the way. Whoever said tight wool can flatter was right.'

The jingle ended and to Bella's annoyance Juliet stood as though shewere the host and Bella the guest. This was taking things too far. Bella didn't want Tony to think she was a pushover as a host. She wasn't going to lose her grip now. Even if Juliet was turning out to be a bit of a control freak. Luckily the wine had given her confidence.

‘Ooh Juliet!' she said, taking her arm with a little more force than was needed. ‘Let's focus! Talk me through the wine … Being a female designer yourself, you would probably know what kind of labels women are looking for. Wouldn't you?'

Juliet stared at Bella and paused for a second. ‘Actually,' she said, in a careful slow voice, ‘why don't youtake us through the wines since you're still here and raring to go!'

Bella looked at Juliet, wondering whether the wine was affecting her more than she realised. Why was Juliet speaking to her as if she was an idiot?

There were another few seconds of silence.

‘So!' they both said at exactly the same time.

‘Oh jinx!' said Bella. ‘Make a wish! What shall we wish for? I wish I was the highly paid face of Highland Spring facial mist … oh, but you are! How does she do it, ladies and gentlemen … seriously, how do you do it?'

Bella felt the audience on her side as they all murmured that they really didn't know. Juliet replied with false modesty.

‘It's been busy season since I left the rainforest.'

‘Busy for some!' said Bella.

‘I'm just lucky,' Juliet flashed back. She flung a tight white denim trouser leg over the other in annoyance, revealing a diamond ankle bracelet that matched the chain around her neck.

‘You are not wrong, Juliet,' Bella said. ‘She is like a rash, ladies and gentleman! She gets on everything!'

Juliet raised her voice ‘I only ever endorse what I've personally used, sat on or tasted.'

The two women glared at each other, waiting to see who would make the next move.

Through the slight fogginess of the wine something was slowly dawning on Bella. The script in Juliet's hand. Fiona's shiftiness. And, above all, the idea that Yvonne, of all people, would give Bella a chance to be a presenter.

It suddenly came to her. Yvonne had cast Juliet to be the presenter. Bella had only ever been a stand-in. And now Bella was expected to stand in as a guest for the woman who had her job. On hershow. From
her
idea.

Fiona stumbled onto the set carrying the blender and waving her phone with a free hand.

‘I got a text!' she shouted. ‘I got a text!' Then she leaned forward and was sick in the blender.

Juliet and Bella, in deadlock, failed to notice. Fiona placed the blender carefully on the counter next to the other cake ingredients.

‘What did the text say?' asked Bella, keeping her eyes locked on Juliet.

‘Nothing!' Fiona wailed. ‘My first blank text! He may be in danger. I'm sorry Bella,' she added. ‘I know you should be presenting this show. Yvonne wanted me to tell you about Juliet but I couldn't do it.'

The penny also dropped for Juliet.

She leaned close to Bella, her voice low and threatening.

‘Listen, love, I'm working with Claire Sweeney in half an hour … I've just stepped off a train from Paris … I've won awards … do you really think you could host a show like this? Do you really think Tony Trimble would employ you to front-up anything? You are living in a dream world, my lovely …'

Something snapped in Bella. Her mother, Yvonne, and now this white-clad product placement queen telling her what she wasn't capable of.

Bella rose shakily from her wine stool. ‘I may be living in a dream world,' she said, her voice raised to the same level as Juliet's. ‘But you'renot going to take it away from me.'

She picked up a cake knife.

Juliet's eyes widened in horror and the audience let out a howl. The St John Ambulance woman stood up, but the man in the bow tie told her to sit down again. He was having the time of his life.

Bella wielded the knife menacingly.

‘Juliet, you're going to help me now in my stunning daytime TV debut. I'll be the toast of
Take a Break
, and housewives up and down the land will pause mid-Dyson to note my handy tips.'

Bella scanned the kitchen area and her eyes settled on a row of cakes laid out with a blender and raspberries for the final feature.

‘We're going to make a raspberry ice cream, Juliet,' she said, waving the knife wildly, ‘simple, yet brilliant. To be eaten with any other pudding you can think of. And I'll be using real raspberries. Have you ever heard of anything real?
Finger Food
will be like daytime TV should have been, with realpersonalities.'

She took a step closer to Juliet. ‘Go on. Force those raspberries through the sieve.'

Juliet start to whimper but it seemed none of the audience wanted to help her. Some had taken up a chant: ‘Go Bella! Go Bella!'

Bella turned to the blender. It was already full of pinkish liquid, which was confusing since the ice cream mix had not yet been made. There was a strange smell to it, too. Not like raspberries at all. She wrinkled her nose.

‘You can stop with the raspberries now, Juliet,' she said brightly. Juliet looked nervously at the knife.

‘Taste this ice cream,' said Bella. ‘Go on, Juliet. Have a taste.'

Juliet recoiled from the blender, which even Bella had to concede did not look much like any ice cream she'd made before.

There was a familiar clickety-clicking as Yvonne's high heels arrived on set.

‘Bella!' she shouted. ‘I will personally see to it that you never work in television again!'

Fiona grabbed the set of boards which she used to tell the audience what to do and chose the one which said ‘go crazy!' She shook it at the audience and they immediately started clapping in a crazy way. But this only encouraged Bella to shout over the applause.

‘I am the voice of the little people,' she shouted, waving the knife at the audience. ‘I am the voice of low-brow television. And no, I didn't get left behind, it's the formats that got smaller. When I click my fingers. I, Bella Le Parde, will shape the dreams of those who desire a second bathroom with a budget beachhut feel …'

Yvonne screamed up to the gallery, ‘KILL THE LIGHTS!'

The set was thrown into darkness. Everyone was quiet.

Yvonne yelled, ‘PUT THEM ON AGAIN!'

Bella suddenly felt a little dizzy.

Yvonne cleared her throat and addressed the audience.

‘I have an announcement to make. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see we have a very unusual situation. Bella Le Parde will no longer have a place on Flair 4 Living.'