Five Loaves, Two Fishes and Six Chicken Nuggets: Urinations From Inside the Fast Food Tent (24 page)

BOOK: Five Loaves, Two Fishes and Six Chicken Nuggets: Urinations From Inside the Fast Food Tent

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If you don’t believe me, just think of a couple of much publicised US televised presidential campaign debates. The young can focus on Bill Clinton and Bob Dole in 1996 while the more seasoned readers can remember Kennedy against Nixon in the early 1960s. I doubt anybody can remember the contents of either debate, but two of the four guys hooked up with their audience, and two didn’t. Result? Game, set, match and presidencies to Clinton and Kennedy. You might not have as much as a US Presidency to gain in your own speaking challenges, but it’s an interesting idea that you could outperform both losers by just following a few basics.

If you want an example of how not to do it, just study Gordon Brown, the bookies’ favourite to be the UK’s next Prime Minister. Look at him gripping a lectern, shuffling wads of paper and giving the appearance that he is chewing a lemon while he is talking down to you.

Just remember some basic dos and don’ts and you are on your way. There’s the stage. Off you go. Don’t trip over those wires.

59. REM and customer service

A
nd now, the end is near and I’m finishing up in deep trouble. This despite all the wonderful e-mails I have had over the years, particularly from a bunch of Burger King franchisees who meet regularly to light candles and sacrifice the occasional goat in my memory.

The causes of my current troubles are twofold. A few chapters back, I included a piece I wrote about my ‘spiritual home’ in a small hotel on a beach in Crete. What I omitted, of course, was the address. I did this so nobody else would find it. On reflection, this seemed to be such selfish behaviour on my part that I have decided to share the secret. The details are at the end.

The second source of my pain was from the same place. When we arrived on the island this year, the family greeted us with their usual warmth – with the exception of the youngest daughter, Maria. I had made the mistake of giving them a copy of what I’d written, which went down very well with all the family, except her. She proceeded to hit me with a
souvlaki
(chunks of tender pork with herbs on a rather sharp skewer). Apparently, in the piece, I had complimented everybody in the place, notably her Mama and older sisters, on their wonderful skills in running everything –
and missed her out completely
. How could I do this (
thump
) when she was not only (
thump
) the best waitress in Crete (
thump
) but also the prettiest in the whole of the Mediterranean?
Thump
.

Maria is all of that, and I would add that she has a smile that could light up Denver. But none of those are reasons why she is featured here. She is here because she has another particular skill that is hard to define but so, so important in the quick-service industry.

I have found a name for it – and it is that of a famous rock band and a state experienced during sleep. Both are called REM, short for rapid eye movement.

I mean no disrespect to the band, or those sleeping paradoxically, when I steal this title for something I was aware of for years without being able to define it, let alone name it. I have spent a large part of my adult life in the food and drink service industry, and for years I had been aware there was something different about some managers, and some members of staff, that manifested itself when you spoke to them. They would hold a conversation with you without missing a beat, but their eyes seemed to have a life of their own. They never stopped moving – always checking, searching, analysing. Suddenly, the conversation would stop, and they would pounce – and a problem that was about to be born and have a boisterous little life was solved before it saw the light of day.

I called it the REM syndrome, and it has all sorts of versions. I once visited one of Rich Melman’s Chicago restaurants with him, and as we went through the door into the main dining room, he paused. He took it all in. After about thirty seconds (count them; it’s a long time), he stooped and picked up a tiny bit of paper from under the meet/greet/seat desk and – trust me – those thirty seconds and the pick-up gave a
massive
signal to all management, staff and customers present. If I need to explain what it was, I’m not sure you should be in this the food service business.

Maria has a different version of it. Outside Mama’s place there are about thirty tables and probably a hundred covers. Quite frequently, Maria waits on all those tables on her own. In fairness to her American equivalents, she has two factors going for her that would not be present in the US – namely, that people in Mediterranean Europe are never in a mad rush over a meal and that they also tend to prefer cooked food at more ambient temperature – but it is still a phenomenal workload. She manages it, night after night through the summer, armed with that smile and an advanced, untreatable, inoperable case of REM.

Can you teach REM? Can you train your management and staff in it? You can, but it requires some off-road thinking. For starters, it’s not really to do with eyes; it’s much more to do with a
mindset
. It’s not what you see; it’s how you think. Folk love to try to categorise humans, and I’m no different. To me, there is a
big
difference between those who react and those who try to be proactive. That is not a value judgement; it is just stressing a difference. Folk who react to stuff quickly and positively have great strengths – and sometimes get all the press cover. But those who
anticipate
also have great strengths (i.e. those who are constantly on the alert and see problems just before they surface). If you have one in your camp, you are lucky. Mama is very lucky. Maria is an interplanetary champion.

I hope I can now go back again without being skewered. If you want to pop in, head for Chania in Crete, ask for
Nea Hora
beach, and Mama’s is right at the end. It’s called
Frini
, and chances are my wife and I will be at the table near the hosepipe. I’ll be the one with the raki and the piece of cake.

Right, I’m off. Jealous of the success of my fellow authors, particularly the one who wrote the Harry Potter books, I see a movie opportunity for this book – with many potential sequels. I see Brad Pitt playing a (slightly) younger version of my good self.

Have a nice day.

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First published in 2006 by

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Contents

Five loaves, two fishes and six chicken nuggets

Introduction

1. In the beginning

2. It’s only rock ’n’ roll

3. Time for reinvention

4. Only the good die young

5. In defence

6. Crumbug: a call for action