For Goodness Sex (28 page)

normalizing talking about sex, ideas for, 61–66

opening lines, samples, 41–42

pizza metaphors for sexuality, 54–57

preparing to talk with a child or teen about sexuality, 39

romance language about sex, 37–38

secret language and, 34–36

slang, 33–34

talking about lessons learned from early sexual experiences of parents, conversation starters, 189–90

talking about sexuality, conversation starters, 40–42

talking about sexual orientation and, 145

talking to young children about sexuality and their bodies, 63–65

technology and, 210

conceptual models, 51

condoms, 16–17

baseball metaphors for, 52

STDs and, 198

contraception, 29, 196–97

cougars, 128

dating

formula for age of youngest person to date, 83

power imbalance in, example, 82–83

decision-making

about intercourse, 53–54

about sexuality, reviewing recent, 29

external factors determining (baseball model), 53

gender assumptions and, 121–22

keeping the lights on and, 198–99

parents offering choices to children and learning good skills, 87

pizza model for sexuality and, 56

relationships and, 78, 79, 80

sobriety and, 192

“value free” or “value neutral,” 22

values and, 22, 23, 25

demisexuality, 137

“Dove: Evolution” (YouTube video), 164–65

Dunham, Lena, 7

emotions, 7, 10, 15, 98, 176, 183.
See also
anxiety; intimacy; love; relationships

boys vs. girls, expression of, 120

broadcasting, parental, 62–63

coming-out experiences and, 143

electronic communication and avoidance of, 213, 216

emotional risk, 47, 148

expression of sadness and grief, 90

first serious sexual and/or romantic relationship and, 73

giving teens permission to feel their feelings, 91

guilt, as positive, 25

honest expression of/“owning,” 86

hurting and healing, 93

masturbation and, 43–44, 187

oral sex and, 43

readiness for sex and, 15–16, 29

surviving first breakup and stages of grief and healing, 89–95

variations in romantic feelings, 98–99

equality, 26, 28, 30, 82

gender roles and lack of, 121

loss of, in relationships as sign of trouble, 95

maintaining individuality and personal power in a relationship, 83–85, 99

pizza metaphor and, 56

in relationships, 82

sexual activity and, 122–24, 191

erogenous zone, 14

Estefan, Gloria, 31

Facebook, 8, 210, 215

preteens on, 223

family philosophy of sex, 19–42

Question Box, 42–46

foreplay, 203

friendships, 73, 74, 75, 78, 220

intimacy of, 77

problem of “friends with benefits,” 76–77

responsibility and, 87

undesirable, parental response to, 81

gender codes, 120–21

gender identity, xii, 3, 4, 106–8, 135

assumptions about, 121–22, 135

assumptions about whether someone is male or female and their physical appearance, 126–27

authenticity in, 113

bullying and, 136

definition of term, 133

gender expression and, 133–34, 135

healthy sexuality and, 108

internal, innate sense of, 113

other vs. opposite gender, 111

Question Box queries about, 126–28

television and stereotyping of, 107, 107n

transgender people, 137

variations other than male and female (intersex, transgender, transsexual, genderqueer and more), 112–13

gender myths

male and female are all there is myth, 112–13

male and female genitals are different myth, 109–12

Gender Project, 124–25

gender roles (gender scripts), 2, 114

bromance movies and, 120

“A Day at the Beach” activity and assumptions about gender, 114–17

definition of term, 117

determining factors, macrosociety and microcommunities, 119–20

gender expression and, 118–19

“gender foul,” 118, 120–21

Gender Project, 124–25

heterosexual boys vs. girls, 119–21

individual decisions about conforming to, 121–22

inequality and, 121

influencing of teen behavior, 118–19

movies and depiction of, 120–21

oral sex and, 122–23

popular culture and, 117

sexism or heterosexism and, 121

sexuality and, 122–24

genitals (“junk”), 3, 21, 61, 63, 187, 201.
See also
penis; sexual activity; vulva/vagina

building a relationship with, 176–81

gender identity and atypical, 112–13

intercourse and, 33

language about and children, 36–37, 63–64

“lost genitals” activity, 103–5

male vs. female (Play-Doh activity), 109–11

self-exploration of, 186

sexual stimulation and, 14, 138, 144, 202

George, Kenneth, 86

GI Joe (male action figure), 167

Girls
(TV drama), 7–8

Go Ask Alice (website), 181

Gray, John, 108

guilt, 25

heterosexism, 121, 131, 151–52, 203

definition of term, 121

heterosexuality, 24, 32, 63, 105, 116, 135

as assumed sexual orientation, 143

assumptions about, 59–60

gender scripts and, 119–20

as a sexual orientation, 136

synonyms for, 33

virginity and gender, 128

hickeys, 69–70

Hite Report, The: A National Study of Female Sexuality
, 186

HIV/AIDS, 36, 222

abstinence education and, ix–x

homophobia, 153, 154, 178

homosexuality (gay/lesbian), 129–60.
See also
sexual orientation

baseball metaphor for, 52, 54

“coming out,” 142–43, 145

coming out to others, 146–49

female-female sex and, 158–59

gay males, 134

men dancing together and, 157

parent-child conversation about, 62–63

percentage of Americans who are openly homosexual, 156–57

prejudice about, 149–54

prejudice about, eliminating, 154–55

self-recognition and self-definition, 143–46

societal attitudes and, 142

virginity and, 188–89

hookup or hooking up, 2, 34, 38, 45, 53, 71, 72, 73–74, 75–76, 77, 78–79, 159, 212

Howe, Leland, 22

“human sexual response cycle,” 14

Huynh, Lisa, 29

hymen, 193

identity.
See also
gender identity

adolescents and, 88

breaking up of a romance and growth, 94

gender and, 107–8

loss of, in relationships, 94

maintaining individuality and personal power in a romance, 83–85

I’m, Like, SO Fat!
(Neumark-Sztainer), 164

infatuation, 99

intercourse, 194

advice by teens about, 9

average age for first, 190–91

average duration of, 203

definition of, 33

feedback from a partner and, 194–96

first time, girls’ assumptions about, 59–60

first time, questions about, 188, 193

foreplay and, 203

hymen and, 193–94

keeping the lights on and, 198–99

“making love” as, 37

nervousness about, 191–92

orgasm in women and, 186

pain and, 193

percentage of teens having, 8, 67

pregnancy and contraception, 196–97

readiness for, 188–96

relationship intimacy and, 53–54

romance language and, 37–38

rule for, 191

sexual pleasure and, 186

words for, 33

International Journal of Eating Disorders
, 166

Internet

avoidance of relationships and, 85

dangers of postings on, 95

formula for age of youngest person to date, 83

parental rules about, 81

pornography, xi, 226–30

rules and limits set by parents, 224–25

sexual information on, xi

sexual messages from, 7

smartphones and online access, 223

intersex people, 113

intimacy (emotional intimacy), xi, xii, 1, 13, 15, 19, 38, 44, 54, 74, 120, 201

Circles of Intimacy lesson, 218–20

electronic communication and, 212, 215

friendships and, 75

friends with benefits and, 77

love, component of, 74

meaning of having extreme sexual attractions to one gender but extreme emotional and (only slight) sexual attractions to the other, 159–60

oral sex and, 43

romantic or sexual relationships and, 75–76, 90, 122, 156, 159

Sternberg’s definition of, 74

Kaiser Family Foundation, 67

Kantor, Leslie, ix

Kinsey, Alfred, 157

Kirschenbaum, Howard, 22

Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, 91

Lady Gaga, 131

love, 2, 7, 29

adolescents and, 5, 8, 12, 90–91, 99–100, 138

baseball metaphor for sexuality lacking, 54

being in love with two people at the same time, 99–100

commitment, 74

guidance about healthy ways to express, 12

intimacy (emotional intimacy), 74

Kenneth George’s definition of romantic love, 86, 99

lack of sexual attraction and, 100–101

parental response to adolescent’s feelings of, 12

passion, 74

Sternberg’s three components, 74

lust, 7, 99

Lyons, Jenna, 118

Masters, William, and Virginia Johnson, 14–15

masturbation, 29, 70, 181–87

autoerotic asphyxiation, dangers of, 185–86

girls and, 186

male assumptions about, 182–83

myths and, 184–85

pornography and, 232

sexual pleasure and, 183

signs of problems and, 185

stress relief and, 183–84

values test for, 43–44

walking in on your teen, 199–200

words for, 32–33

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
(Gray), 108

morals and values.
See
values

Morgan, Michael, 107

MSM (men having sex with men), 137

No Second Chances
(film), x

nudity, 29

sexting or online posting, 220–21

Obama, Barack, x

omnisexuality, 137

oral sex, 3, 7, 33, 189

gender scripts and, 122–23

query about semi-virginity and, 202–3

values test for, 42–43

orgasm, 194

girls and, 186, 202

masturbation and, 183

myths and, 202

stress relief and, 183–84