Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2) (12 page)

No child should have a mother like that. And it wasn’t even just the anger. It was after, too. The tears. The breakdowns. The inability to crawl out of the bed.

I was barely old enough to dress myself and I was trying to help my mother find a reason to live. All the while I wondered why we weren’t her reason. Why I wasn’t her reason. No kid deserves that.

It will scar a child forever. It damages them. It makes them unable to understand what the concept of love even is. There is nothing an aunt or a friend or even a lover can say to undo what that kind of life will leave burned into the mind and heart of a child. Even long after they are an adult.

Nobody understood that. Nobody got it. Yes I had Aunt Dee. But she had her own family. She was good to us. She loved us. But it’s not the same. It’ll never be the same.

She wasn’t my mother. I needed my mother. Hell my father could have stepped in and helped. But he ignored it. He didn’t love me either.

When you are disappointing people at five years old, you are destined to do it for the rest of your life. How do you get past that?

I watched my cousins and as much as I loved them I hated them more. They had what I wanted the most. What I still fucking wanted. A family.

I’d never have it. Nobody would ever love me like that. I’d learned to accept that in my life and make do. But then Avery came along. And she did. She loved me the way I’d always wanted someone to love me. And it scared the fuck out of me. Why would she love me? How? She had given herself to me completely. But I didn’t understand it. What was it about me and my fucked up life that made her feel like she needed me so badly in hers? Most of all, what the hell would I do when she realized she actually didn’t?

I was terrified of disappointing her. Letting her down. Hurting her. I wasn’t good. I wasn’t a good person. I’d always known that. I didn’t ever want to look at her and see the light in her eyes fade. I never wanted her to see the darkness that exists out in the world. The darkness that existed in me.

She was so pure. So trusting. So innocent. She talked about family and friends and her eyes lit up and sparkled. She believed in the good in people. Even that bitch she called a friend. She looked at Colby and saw someone that loved her.

I did not want to take that away from her. I didn’t want her to know what it was like to wake up every day and wonder why you were breathing. I didn’t want her to spend her life wishing she could close her eyes and make it stop. I didn’t want her to see how cold and mean the world was. I didn’t want her to see that I wasn’t the man she thought I was.

That’s why I hid it all. My family. My mother. My brother’s problems. Even me. All of it. I wasn’t ashamed of her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I wasn’t playing games with her. I was terrified of changing her. I was terrified of changing the way she looked at me. I was terrified of knowing what it felt like for Avery to see me the way the rest of the world did.

Even if it meant I sat there feeling empty. Longing to see her. Wishing I could smell her coconut shampoo. Hoping that someday I’d see her blush and say “Shut up Spencer,” before she smacked me, giggled and bit her lip. Every moment away from her was torture to me. But every moment with her was another moment of her happiness and innocence that I would steal. It was a step closer to seeing the same anger, hatred and betrayal in her eyes that I’d seen in everyone else’s. And I couldn’t do that. No matter what it cost me. I didn’t want to do that.

All I’d ever wanted was for her to be happy. What made me happy was seeing her happy. What made her happy was me. When I destroyed her, it would destroy me. So I tried to protect her. As I sat in that airport, eyes closed, and thought about the words Colby had said I hated myself again. For going after her knowing that I was always going to be the person that hurt her the most.

Chapter 10

“Spencer has a girlfriend,” I heard the words and glared at my brother.

How could he have done that? Why would he have done that? He knew that I didn’t want that information being spread around. Especially not here. Not now.

“Is that so?” the condescending tone of her voice was evident and I knew. She would say something. It would be mean. It would be hateful.

“It’s nothing,” I answered, hoping that the subject would change.

“Obviously dear,” the sound that was supposed to be a laugh really wasn’t. It was just another random sound that was supposed to be an insult to me. “It never really is, now is it?”

I felt my blood begin to boil. I wanted to turn and tell her exactly what I thought. But I knew better. I knew that I’d only hurt myself. She wasn’t going to change. She wasn’t going to be anything but what she’d always been. A spiteful, vindictive, and hateful bitch.

Instead, I turned to my father and asked about his work. My hope was that he’d start talking and nothing else would be said. For a while it worked. He shared about the latest endeavors in his company and I sat, pretending to give a damn when I really didn’t.

I wasn’t quite sure how I’d gotten roped into being there to begin with. Kev had wanted something— probably money— and he’d insisted we do the whole family brunch thing. Apparently Ma had told him she missed us and wanted to spend time with us. At least that was the bullshit he’d spewed at me when he practically begged.

It wasn’t my thing. Pretending. Sitting here as a family unit and acting like we always had been. I didn’t like the idea of gathering at the table and pretending it was normal to do that. Sure, I still associated with them. I still stopped by occasionally— thought I tried like hell to use the phone instead— and checked on them. But I didn’t do the whole family time thing. It wasn’t real and real wasn’t me.

Somehow I’d let myself believe my brother’s nonsense. I’d thought that maybe, just maybe, my parents could have had a change of heart. My mother would somehow have seen the error of her ways and my father would feel guilty for ignoring us all those years. It didn’t take very long in their house to see that I was being stupid to hope for that.

She was still the same. Downing glasses of liquor like it was water and becoming more vile with each swallow. She’d almost halfway greeted us the way you’d expect from a mother, but a couple drinks in and she was mocking whatever got said. Pops of course was stuck in a book or a newspaper or something and pretending nothing was happening. Same shit, different day.

“Could you grab me another dear?” by my estimation that was about six. Just enough to become her usual charming self.

“Why don’t you try some water?” I asked sarcastically, knowing damn well that it wouldn’t happen.

I was pretty sure that I’d fall out of my chair with a heart attack if my mother ever chose water over her favorite spirits. I never could understand why Pops had put up with it. What about their relationship made him happy enough that he’d just deal with what she was behind closed doors?

“Spencer,” my father suggested. “Don’t speak to your mother like that.”

“Right,” I nodded. “Only she’s allowed to be hateful. I forgot.”

“I’ll have you know,” she started, reaching out for the fresh glass that Kevin had brought her, “I have more than earned my right to drink whatever the damn hell I please. And I’d be appreciative if you would stop acting like it’s your place to parent me.”

“Somebody needs to,” I mumbled, giving Kevin another dirty look.

He was such a dumbass. He knew how this would go if she kept drinking, but his own need for approval made him cave to her request. He’d always been that way. She could beat him senseless and then ask him for a favor and he’d jump. I never understood it. I didn’t walk around with the physical problems he had from our childhood and I couldn’t stomach even pretending to want to help her.

“You think you can do that?” she laughed again, sounding almost maniacal. “You who has nothing. You who has never achieved a damn thing in your life. My God Spencer, you can’t even keep a girlfriend in your life. What makes you think that you are any better than I am?”

“I didn’t want a girlfriend,” I reminded her. “Why would I ask anyone to be a part of this?”

I waved my arms around the room, making it very clear that I meant our family. This life. Why on earth would anyone want to bring someone they cared about into a mess like that?

“Oh,” she sat her glass down, clanging it against the table and causing Kevin to jump slightly. “So now we are the embarrassment? That’s your excuse?”

“It’s the truth,” I answered.

“So this house,” she waved her arm around, “that cost more than you will make in your entire life is an embarrassment? All of these nice things embarrass you? Your trust fund, the one that you refuse until you need something, it embarrasses you?”

“No,” I answered honestly, looking up and meeting her gaze. “My mother the drunk embarrasses me. My father sitting there pretending she isn’t drunk and belligerent embarrasses me.” I saw Kevin’s face drop. “The fact that I have two parents so self-absorbed that they don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of them embarrasses me. Hell, the fact that this ‘nice home’ and all of these ‘nice things’ are a bigger accomplishment to you than the two children you had embarrasses me.”

“You think I should view you as an accomplishment? He’s a fucking drug addict,” she pointed at Kevin, “and you…..you are worthless.”

“In the eyes of a drunk maybe,” I retorted, somehow finding courage I hadn’t managed to locate in years.

“So that’s why Jamie left then? Because I’m a drunk?”

“Don’t you even,” I stood up, glaring down at her and daring her to speak another word.

“What?” she feigned innocence. “Remind you that maybe you are the embarrassment? That maybe you are the one that is wrong. That maybe I’m not the only one that sees you as being worthless of time and attention?”

“I’ve never done a damn thing to you!” I screamed.

“You’ve always been an embarrassment Spencer,” she continued. “You’ve never even tried to achieve anything. At least your brother managed to get a good job. At least he tries to present himself with class. Hell, he even managed to dress nice to have brunch in our home. You—” she looked at me with disgust on her face. “You show up in your thrift store clothes and sloppy hair and try to tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“Money doesn’t make you a good person mother,” I snarled.

“It makes you respectable dear,” she smirked. “Respectable people don’t lose their fiance to their best friend a few weeks before the wedding.” Putting the glass to her lips, she sipped with a smile. “Or end up strung out on drugs like your brother.”

“I’m not…”

“Save it Kevin,” she turned to him. “Do you think I don’t know why you come here and kiss my ass? You want to keep those checks flowing. So you can keep that habit alive. I’m not an idiot dear. You aren’t much better than your loser brother. But at least you were the smart. You let that Kate go before you got straddled with a fucking little brat that you didn’t want. I wish I’d had the same idea all those years ago.”

“Nice,” the hatred in me came bubbling to the surface. “You sit here surrounded by money and sipping on expensive alcohol. But the reality is, mother, you are trash.”

Before I had time to think, predict or move, she slapped me. Her hand stung as it hit the skin of my face. Kevin jumped forward, but not in time to help me. Instead he caught her backhand as she slung it towards him, nearly knocking him down in the process.

“Ungrateful, spoiled, selfish little monsters,” she snapped, drunk and about to go into full blown rage. “I should have beat some fucking respect into you both when you were kids.”

“Lord knows you tried,” I snapped.

“I don’t know why I allow you in my home,” she bellowed again. “You don’t care about me. You don’t care about anything but yourselves. You are both horrible people. I hate you. I’ve always hated you. I will always hate you. Get the hell out of my house.”

“Gladly,” I announced, standing and grabbing my jacket from the back of the chair. “There’s nothing I’d like more.”

“I don’t know when you boys are going to learn,” my father muttered as we passed him on our way out.

“Good luck with that girlfriend dear,” she spat as Kevin and I walked out the door. “You’re going to need it once she realizes how worthless you are.”

With that she slammed the door behind us and we made our way to the car.

“Spence, I—”

“Don’t,” I snapped. “Don’t even talk to me.”

“I just thought— “

“Don’t fucking talk to me!” I snapped.