Forget Me Not (21 page)

“
Yeah? What’s
that?”

“
No one needs to put you
back together and make you right. You’re fine just like this. I
want you exactly as you are.”

“
You’ve seen my life. The
shit I carry around with me. How can you say I don’t need
fixing?”

“
Because that is what
makes you the guy that I fell in love with.”

“
You really love
me?”

“
I do, Jack. For a month
now, I’ve avoided you, because I didn’t want to say the words if
they weren’t true. I thought maybe it was just escape, something
different from Derek, and that it would fade. I thought if I moved
on and if I didn’t miss you, if I didn’t yearn to see you every
time I took a corner, then I would know.”

“
And?”

“
And it was your eyes I
saw when I fell asleep at night. When I walked to the elevator
every day before class and every afternoon after class, I waited
for you to come through the doors, and every time you didn’t, I
ached for you. I had everything else and I was happy. But I still
looked for you every night when I ate dinner. Every voice I heard
sounded like yours. That can’t be lust. I didn’t even feel that way
when I was with Derek and we’ve known each other since we were
kids. Something about you, Jack, something in you just makes sense
for me.”

“
Why me, Lily? What if I
can’t be what you need?”

“
That’s why I waited. I’m
not looking for someone else to be what I need. I’m looking for
someone I want.”

“
It’s weird to be
wanted.”

“
I doubt that. I wanted
you plenty before.”

He laughs, despite the seriousness of
the conversation. “So that’s what you’re after?”

“
No. I want you. All of
you. Not just your body, but also everything that you are. Meaning
everything you bring with you, too. Good and bad.”

“
Are you sure?”

“
I am. It took me a while
to figure things out, Jack. When school first started, I thought
the emptiness I felt was homesickness or something missing with
Derek. And then I met you. And I thought
you
were what I was missing.
However, I realized recently that I wasn’t missing anything. I was
just trying to fill an emptiness outside of myself when the
emptiness was
inside
of me all along.”

“
Have you fixed that
emptiness?”

“
Not exactly. But I know a
little more about it now. And with or without a boyfriend, it’s my
own emptiness to fix. It’s not for you – or any guy – to do it for
me.”

“
Lily, I know better than
anyone what it feels like to be missing something. I don’t want to
rush you. I can wait. If you aren’t ready.”

“
I’m still trying to find
myself and figure myself out. It’s not going to happen overnight
and it’ll be a long road. But I wouldn’t mind the
company.”

“
Are you sure?”

“
Yeah. It’s the only thing
I’m sure about. And I know that it’s a huge step for you, but I
want to be clear that I want
you
, whatever that
means.”

He squeezes my hand. “Okay, but
there’s one condition.”

“
What’s that?”

“
I’m not fucking
you.”

I laugh; the comment seems so out of
place. “What?”

He smiles. “You’re gonna have to work
harder than that. I want a real relationship. If you’re just after
me for sex, you can go elsewhere. I’m looking for a
girlfriend.”

“
Right, because you didn’t
fuck my brains out for days straight already.”

“
Look, I’m serious. Do we
have a deal? Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

“
More than anything,” I
say.

“
Awesome. But you best
keep your hands to yourself, princess,” he teases.

“
Are you sure about that?”
I ask and get off the swing. I reach down and start to unbutton his
jeans, but he stands up and takes me in his arms.

“
Lily, for the first time,
I want to love someone. To truly love someone. I want to treat you
like the princess you are. You’re not a whore. I have no doubt it
will happen, because it’s fucking impossible not to get down in the
grass with you right now, but I want to love you first. Let me love
you first.”

I stand on my tiptoes, letting my
hands fall back to my sides. Our lips meet and I kiss Jack with all
I have. It’s sweet and it’s romantic, and I actually feel myself
falling for him even more. I respect his desire to take it slow,
although my body is going to have a hard time waiting. Still, this
is the best I’ve felt in months. He takes me for a ride and later,
when we get back to the dorm, we go to his room. Instead of having
sex, Jack and I fall asleep together, fully dressed. And it’s
exactly where we belong.

Chapter 16

It seems sort of unfair that as soon
as Jack and I actually begin a relationship, we have two weeks
together until we have to split up for a month. Luckily, we don’t
live that far apart and, if the weather cooperates, we can see each
other as much as we like. He’s turned out to be a wonderful
boyfriend, despite everyone’s claims to the contrary. True to his
word, though, we haven’t had sex. It’s been almost impossible to
resist him; he always looks incredibly sexy, but taking it slow has
given me a chance to get to know Jack – the real Jack. I know he’s
majoring in computer graphic design and that he wants to design
video games. I learned that he plays bass because he can’t sing and
that he wanted to be in a band because he thought it would help him
meet girls. Since he’s had an on and off relationship with Alana
for years and, more recently, a mess with me, his girl-getting
power has actually been limited to all of two other girls. Most
importantly, I discovered that Jack still goes to his mom’s grave
every Saturday, usually after work. I haven’t gone with him yet and
he hasn’t asked, but it’s something that I intend to do soon. He
hasn’t said a word about his father and I don’t ask. There are some
things that may be a part of Jack, but that don’t help either of us
in our attempt to look forward.

Jack has also turned out to be sweet
and considerate under all of his moodiness and attitude. I feel
like the world revolves around me when I’m with him. I know it’s
still just at the beginning stages of our relationship, but
something about Jack makes me feel confident that we are in this
for the long haul. Every time he looks at me, I feel like the edges
of the world disappear and he’s the only part of it that
matters.

Meanwhile, Kristen and Lyle have
finally started seeing one another openly. The four of us are in
our room one night a few days before winter break starts when my
phone rings. It’s my brother so I head out into the hall to take
it. Jon doesn’t usually call me, instead relying on Facebook or
email to communicate. When he really wants something, he might send
a text, so I feel uneasy that he picked up the phone.

“
Hey,” I say.

“
Hi, Lily. How are things?
Only a few days left of the semester.”

“
I know. Straight A’s
here, I’ll have you know.”

“
Have you finished
exams?”

“
Nope. But it’s for sure.
Unless I screw up majorly and we both know I won’t.”

“
Of course not. I’m sure
you’ll breeze right through them.”

“
Thanks. So what’s
up?”

“
It’s about heading home
this weekend. Do you want to ride with us?”

“
Us?”

“
Me and Derek.” Hearing
his name still hurts a little, but I shake it off.
Keep looking forward
, I
say. It’s become something of a mantra lately.

“
Oh. Um, yeah, I do. If
that’s okay, I mean.”

He sighs. “It is. It’s just… Shit. I
don’t know how to say this.”

“
You can say it. It’s
fine. Does he want me to get home another way?”

“
I haven’t actually
mentioned it to him yet. If you say no, I’m gonna try to ditch
him.”

I’m flattered that my brother would
look out for me like that, but it’s an hour in the car and Derek’s
his best friend. He’s practically family. I’m going to have to deal
with it eventually and, considering that Derek and his family
usually come to our house on Christmas Eve anyway, I might as well
face it now. “No. It really is fine. I actually want to see him. Is
he okay?”

“
He’s… Yeah, he’s good.”
Something in Jon’s voice catches and I know there’s
more.

“
You can tell me, you
know. Whatever it is. Does he hate me?”

“
No, I don’t think so. I
mean, I doubt it. He was really a mess for a little while, but,
well, it happened before Thanksgiving and I didn’t want to mention
it then. But you’re gonna find out, especially now that we’re all
going home for a month. And I-”

I’ve been standing in the hall
talking, but now I start pacing. I feel like I need to move to
handle what I know Jon’s about to say. “There’s someone. Derek’s
met someone.”

“
Yeah. He’s been seeing
her almost a month now. I didn’t know how you’d feel about it and I
waited to tell you, but...”

I wait for the hurt to arrive, but
surprisingly, it doesn’t. I feel relieved more than anything else.
“No, it’s fine.”

“
Sure?”

“
Yeah. It really is
fine.”

“
Oh, thank God,” he
laughs. “Do you know what it’s been like since you two broke
up?”

“
I’m sorry,” I say,
because I’m sure Jon was a hapless victim caught right in the
middle. “Actually, there’s something I should tell you.”

“
Yeah?”

“
Yeah. Um, well… Derek
might have told you already, but there was someone
here.”

“
He mentioned it, but you
never said anything, so I didn’t think it was serious.”

“
Well, I was trying to
make sure that it was something. But, yeah, Jon. It’s
serious.”

“
That’s awesome then. He
makes you happy?”

“
He really, really
does.”

“
Good.”

“
It is good. Anyway, I
should go. Unless there’s something else?”

“
No. I just really didn’t
want it to be weird. And I knew you’d never tell me the truth if I
couldn’t hear your voice.”

“
I promise – it is totally
fine. So, I’ll see you Saturday?”

“
Okay. And
Lily?”

“
Yeah?”

“
I expect to meet this guy
soon.”

I hang up, both nervous and happy. I’m
excited that Jon’s okay with me moving on, although I haven’t
talked to Jack about meeting my family. We talked about spending
time together, but neither of us brought up the holidays and I
didn’t even consider bringing him home yet. I’m terrified of what
they’ll think of him. Although it wouldn’t stop me from how I feel,
I want them to get to know me when I’m with him first. That way,
even if something about him makes them uncomfortable, they’ll feel
bad about it because they know he’s good to me. I may be different,
but I think my parents will be happy that Jack’s made me stronger
and better. I just need to introduce them to the idea slowly. I
feel guilty about it, but meeting my parents could have a huge
impact on our relationship and I’d hoped to wait. I realize,
though, that Jon’s not going to let it go and we’re going to need
to address this.

I go back to my room and Jack’s
sitting on my bed, talking about video games with Lyle. Our
conversation needs to be private; when we’re here at school, it’s
easy for us to ignore the pressing question of our families.
However, during break, it’s all going to change. I need to figure
out how to mesh the two worlds I know in a way that won’t destroy
either one. For someone who’s never had something normal, I can’t
imagine how Jack will react to spending time with my family.
Moreover, I really don’t know how they’ll react to him.

“
Hey, Jack?” He looks up.
“I left something in your room. Can we go get it?”

He looks confused, but we leave Lyle
and Kristen alone, both of whom I’m sure are happy to have some
privacy, and go to his room.

“
What did you leave?” He’s
cluelessly adorable right now and suddenly, I want him in a way
I’ve trained my body to fight since the night on the playground.
Damn hormones. I ignore what’s happening between my legs and
instead I focus on what I need to say.

“
That was my brother who
called.”

“
Okay.”

“
He, um… He wants to meet
you over break. Like at my house. With my parents.”

Jack sits at his desk chair and I get
an image in my head of the night I was with him and Alana. He
fucked her over that chair while I watched and it’s still the
hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I sigh; I’m never going to get
through tonight if I don’t stop thinking things like
this.

“
When?”

“
Huh?” My mind was on the
wrong things and I have to refocus on what we were talking
about.