Four Shades of Recovery: Boxed Set (4 page)

Matt relaxes as I recount my first experience away from him.

“Would you like some wine, Megan?” he asks, as we both get comfortable.

“That would be lovely, thanks!”

He makes his way to the kitchen and pours us both a generous amount of Chardonnay. When he returns, I take a brief swallow and launch into a story that I suspect will cause him more pain. He needs to know the truth though. Just not all of it tonight.

MEGAN’s POV

After I tell Matt about my time in London, I decide to head back to the condo that I now share with my former roommate, Kim. She invited me to stay in my old room when I came back to Portland. I felt more than grateful to see that the room still held a number of my things. Apparently, she hadn’t given up on me. No wonder I consider Kim my best friend forever.

Before leaving Matt’s place, I give him a hug and quick peck on the cheek. He holds me cautiously.

“When will I learn the rest of your story, Megan?” he quizzes me with a look of dread on his gorgeous face.

I feel anxious and uncomfortable about how he’ll react to my adventures. He’s breathing in a shallow manner. However, I promised him that there’d be no secrets. I sigh in resignation.

“Whenever you feel ready to hear or read about it, Matt. I did write a personal blog about it all, as it happened. I prefer to tell you about it in person though.”

“I’ll let you know. Would you like a ride back to your place?”

He’s so solicitous and kind but I don’t want to take advantage of him at this juncture.

“I’ll just catch a cab and you can text me about when and where you’d like to talk again. By the way, I’m getting my old job back at the newspaper. This time around I’m working for a woman editor,” I gloat. I’m rather proud of the fact that I left my former job on good terms and that my skills are still appreciated.

Matt laughs without mirth, “That won’t keep you out of trouble.” I shake my head and pat him goodbye. He looks forlorn and lost as I turn to leave. My poor baby. I want to love and trust him so much. That’s really the unstated fourth condition for our relationship. He needs to be convinced that I love him.

I need to find a way to help him understand my dilemmas. What I did to him was unforgiveable. However the way I felt when he confessed that he loved and wanted me forever was frightened and even trapped. It brought back all of my fears about the false promises that love entailed.

The issues I explored with Dr. Ginger earlier this year focused on my distrust of my mother, Abby, and her lovers. One day I broke down in my therapist’s office after making the connection between what I did with Matt and what happened with my mother. I choked out an especially salient story as the memories came flooding back.

“Abby professed her motherly love for me and yet she didn’t protect me. For instance one of her husbands, Tony, verbally and  physically abused me. She did nothing to stop him. I remember his rages for minor childhood mistakes on my part. Once I couldn’t find the dog food quickly enough. Tony cursed at me and called me a numbskull.”

“That’s such an inappropriate way to treat a child,” she added. “Go on with your story Megan.”

“Then Tony beat me often with a strap, his belt, when I admitted that I had no idea where different clothes or household items happened to be. This sort of thing wasn’t just a one-time event.”

The image of Tony’s enraged face as he raised the belt to strike me sent chills down my spine as I recounted the tale.

“Abby stood by and looked concerned but said very little. Tony intimidated her too. I hated both of them so much at the time.”

Dr. Ginger nodded her head in sympathy and offered her insights. “You felt betrayed by your mother’s lack of loyalty to you. She gave
him
more support and power than you, even though you were first. You, as the child, were looking to the only adult you thought you could trust and she let you down.”

I signal my agreement as the images keep coming. Then a better thought surfaces. “My mother did support me in the end, however, and that meant a lot. She chose me over Tony when the final straw happened.”

“That’s encouraging. Then let’s hear it.”

Dr. Ginger’s been after me to dredge up both the good and the bad dynamics from my childhood with Abby. It’s painful for me to recall it all.

“During my teen years Tony hid in my bedroom closet and tried to watch me undress one evening. I hadn’t taken off all my clothes yet when I caught him. Luckily, I noticed that my closet door stood open in an unusual way. I pulled it open quickly and soon discovered Tony lurking in the front of the closet just behind my coats. His pants were pushed down and he was holding his erect penis. I screamed, called him a pervert and my mother came running. She demanded a divorce and he moved out very quickly after that fiasco.”

I’m crying with anger and relief as I flash back to our time with Tony and how it finally ended.

Dr. Ginger sounds hopeful. “Were you able to rebuild your relationship with Abby after Tony left then?”

“Yeah somewhat. However Abby found another husband to replace Tony within the year. Whenever a new man entered her life I became secondary. It seemed strange to me that her trust and love could be transferred so quickly to a series of men she knew briefly. It always seemed wrong that our long-standing mother-child relationship took a back seat to her husbands. I became less important than they did when she’d known them only a few months.”

“I can sympathize with how replaceable you felt around her relationships during your teenage years. Abby may have been emotionally and financially dependent upon the husbands though. Did she try to reassure you about her priorities?”

“She may have said the words but I thought her actions betrayed those words,” I admitted. “Actions speak much louder than words in my view.”

“Therefore in your own relationship, when Matt said the words ‘I love you’, you couldn’t trust them?” Dr. Ginger probed.

 “Yeah. I even found myself reliving the experience with Abby. I feared the sense of betrayal that often followed those claims of love.”

“Did Matt ever give you any reason to think you could be replaced?”

“Well, no, but I grew anxious because I was afraid that once I returned his love, Matt would become complacent. I thought he’d take me for granted. Perhaps I felt that he’d look for another conquest. I couldn’t bear to be replaced once again.”

Dr. Ginger looks dismayed. “You left and never discussed these issues with Matt then? He had no idea that ‘love’ felt like a four letter word to you. Do you want to give ‘love’ another chance with him?”

“Yeah, I think that things could be different with him. I panicked and left before I made the connection with Abby and her betrayal of me. You’ve helped me separate out those issues so well over these past few sessions, Dr. Ginger.”

She smiled like a proud professional and encouraged me to give love another chance with Matt Frazier.

That’s what I’m attempting to do now that I’ve re-entered his life. I was thrilled to learn that Matt didn’t replace me during my absence. I’m even more impressed that he’s forsaken his BDSM outlets. I can’t forget that Matt has issues of his own however.

MATT’S POV

I call Dr. Stone and tell him about my meeting with Megan. He’s impressed with the boundaries that I’ve established for my current relationship with her. He also compliments me on the amount of self-control that I demonstrated during my unanticipated face-to-face chat with Megan.

“Matt, your ground rules sound very clear and fair. I think Megan must discuss her adventures and encounters after she left you in a thorough way. Then you can determine whether or not there’s a basis for moving ahead with your relationship. Since Megan agreed to your conditions she’s clearly trying to make a connection with you again.”

“The issue for me, Dr. Stone, concerns my possessive tendencies. I’m not sure I can handle knowing that she slept with another man. The idea that she enjoyed her time with other men still drives me wild.”

I cringe at the very idea of seeing her involved in a friendly conversation with another guy. I know how ridiculous that sounds but it’s true. I want to be her one and only in all ways.

“Then you won’t be ready to hear her story until we work through a few likely scenarios. I think you need to anticipate the fact that Megan met, dated and possibly slept with other men on her journey away from you. More importantly we need to prepare you for a reasonable reaction to those outcomes. If you can’t deal with those possibilities, then there’s no use in contacting her to learn the rest of the story.”

Dr. Stone makes his points clearly and well while looking me in the eye and gently stating the case.

“I’m just not ready to face it yet Dr. Stone. I may never be able to face it. However, I want Megan back in my life. She’s everything to me. I can’t tell you how complete and wonderful I felt when we touched again and made love. There’s this electricity between us that doesn’t quit. You’ve
got
to help me work through the betrayal scenarios.”

Maybe I’ll need to take drugs to prepare for the truth. I’m ready to try anything Dr. Stone suggests, however.

“Matt you’re a determined, successful businessman. I can help you in your development even though you’ve been badly hurt as a child and again as an adult. Even if things don’t work out with Megan, you’ll be a stronger person psychologically by facing down these fears.”

He makes an appointment with me for Monday afternoon and I resign myself to the fact that I’ve got to learn to face more pain. In time, I may feel differently about Megan and other men. It’s likely related to the issues that I experienced with my own mother and her men.

I know my birth mother loved me but she loved her booze more. Her lovers simply wanted me out of the equation. I usurped the time and energy that should have been devoted to spending time with them, obliterating their pain with various substances and cheap thrills. Some of them abused me and she let them.

Fortunately, I also experienced the unconditional love of my foster family from the age of ten. They helped me learn to trust adults; to depend on their judgments and to work through my anger. Megan never had an alternate role model. I know a bit about how Abby let Megan down but it wasn’t in the same way that my biological mother let me down with her inconsistent care and drunken orgies.

I text Megan and ask her to email me a little of her travel blog. My idea is that I can take these stories to Dr. Stone and work through them. The advantage of working with the blogs is the fact that they’re real events. I can break them into manageable chunks and explore my feelings about Megan’s encounters in front of my therapist and not with her. I’m hoping that with time I may be able to discuss them with her and not go ballistic. At least I’ll be paying my therapist to watch me unravel. Megan could be protected from the worst of my tantrums.

Megan texts me that she’ll send her first blog early on Monday afternoon. That’s great, since it gives me time to read over it and think about the feelings and reactions that I’ll rehearse with Dr. Stone. In the meantime, I get involved with my projects at work.

My email pings shortly after I return from lunch. It’s Megan’s blog. I click on the link and begin reading as I concentrate on breathing slowly.

“Footloose in London” is its title.

“Pubs are the places for meeting people. I decided to stay in London another day or so after my first couch surfing experience came to an end. There’s so much still to see and do and the weather’s cooperating. I spent the day viewing the Elgin Marbles and the Egyptian art at the British Museum. WOW. I ate street food in the park and then made my way to the canals. My plan was to crash at a youth hostel. There was one near the old stable yards. I luckily found the one last bed available for the night.