Girl Act (10 page)

“Vivien, when you come here, we’ll make a plan,” she said.

“All right, let’s,” I said, and hung up.

I decided to push myself to New Mexico before midnight. On a freeway, a girl in a red car can’t drive fast without being pulled over. The truth is I had one of those radar detectors, and so I knew when to slow down, or go—go. The Tennis Actor had given it to me with the promise that I would mail it back. I never drive fast, ever, but I wanted to change—speed felt like a part of it.

Hello New Mexico! I drove past the mountains of New Mexico, cactus and signs for Native handcrafted souvenir shops. I made it into Gallup, way before midnight and booked Shadow and I into an Econo-Lodge. I dropped my Louis Vuitton suitcase and matching bags in the room, washed my face, and grabbed Shadow’s leash and off we went for a short walk around the outskirts of the Lodge. I wasn’t going to cry anymore, and I wasn’t going to think too hard either. So, I tied Shadow’s leash to a pole, headed into a food store to buy a Coors—I was going drink my mind numb. Yeah, one beer does the trick for me. Go figure.

I’ll admit I felt safe traveling with Shadow, but I was also careful not to glance at guys too long. I just felt that I had to be careful because America is filled with creepy men, and I didn’t want a creepy story happening to me. Also, I didn’t need a one-night stand. In fact, I was done with those; I had outgrown them.

I drank the beer quickly, while I thought about the two men I had met at the Laurel Canyon Dog Park. One morning I got to chatting with two dog owners. One of them owned a shop on Kings Road and the other was a TV actor. And both were filled with ‘female’ wisdom.

“You could end up working forever unless you get a money-man,” the actor with the Labrador told me.

“You should dress up, let your hair down and go sit at the Ivy; a rich man will fall for you and he’ll marry you, and after two years you’ll divorce him. And you’ll be all set financially,” said the shop owner with a Dalmatian.

“Are you guys telling me to use a rich man?” I asked, like this was a joke and I wasn’t sure what the punch-line was supposed to be.

“Yeah, I would if I were you,” said the actor.

“It’s about planning for the future in a smart way,” said the shop owner. I laughed!

I mean, they were giving me advice—not some wealthy, matchmaking, reality TV lady, but two guys in the Laurel Canyon Dog Park. Not just ‘any’ dog park, but one where a lot happens.

Now I was, staying with Shadow in the Econo-Lodge, unmarried, less than twenty- thousand dollars to my name, with no career success and no direction. Ugh! So much for the beer. Now I needed painkillers. My mind was swimming with worry, anxiety and apprehension. Who was I? What was I? What the hell was my purpose? Oh, well, I fell asleep; if I hadn’t, I think I would have run out into the Econo-Lodge parking lot with Shadow on his leash and screamed “MARRY ME, SOMEBODY, MARRY ME.”

Texas was next, and I was so curious about that state. I had really noticed it when I saw the movie
Thelma and Louise.
There’s a line when the character Louise Sawyer says, “
You get what you settle for,
” and that just hung over me as I drove into the wide-open, ever-green, flourishing, fertile Texas landscape.

Hello Texas! It’s a movie location dream. That’s for sure. It had been used for
Gas Food Lodging, All the Pretty Horses, Traffic, True Grit,
and
Wyatt Earp
and for my non-emotional father’s third favorite black-and-white film,
The Grapes of Wrath
. I found a dog-friendly hotel and crashed. Even with cruise control, it was a lot of driving. The Texas air hung in the room as Shadow and I took an early nap. I just needed to shut my eyes; I had seen so many images flicker past them.

Texas is gigantic, there’s just no other way to say it the state is vast. Enormous! And the meals are equally big. The waitress asked, in a voice filled with southern hospitality, “If ya wanting veggie food, well, we don’t serve that kind. You’re in Texas now! We are about hearty food.” And I had to laugh while I ordered toast and a plate of fruit. I mean, it really was a good line, no B.S. about it. And I wondered if she spoke to her man like that. She might say something like, “Now are you gonna service me? Or you gonna leave Texas with your tail between your legs?” I mean, what could any man say to that?

I looked around the restaurant. It was family oriented and had Texas-Americana decor. Much of the land, from what I could see driving through it, was still untamed, and it stretched for miles and miles. You could shoot a Western any day and make it appear circa 1950s. A lanky, 6’1” cowboy tipped his dusty hat at me on his way out the door and I giggled. I mean, he was right out of Central Casting—‘oh so Hollywood-ish’. I felt as if he was about to stride out onto the movie set, but no, he was real. It was I who wasn’t. I dream movies, think movies, and sometimes everything I do or see feels like a movie. Go figure!

I ordered a well-done steak with nothing on it to-go, which got a wide-eyed grin of approval from Patty, the waitress. I would never have told her that it was for Shadow; I liked her thinking that I was heading back to my hotel to eat in secrecy. I like telling white lies. Okay, so it’s a part of show business and it’s a part of pleasing people; I’m guilty of both.

People buy into images every day. This actor in a ‘straight’ marriage, a cover-up for being gay. That actress being naturally ‘skinny’ when she’s had the fat sucked out of her. That’s part of the reason some people go up the ladder, as in unknown to ‘mega’ star. When I first arrived in Hollywood, I was just a year-and-a-half out of college and a non-union actress. Not four weeks later, at my first Hollywood party, I was being offered my Screen Actors Guild card by a powerhouse producer in exchange for sex with him. Sex? I had to laugh; I mean, everyone back in New York had said, “Vivien, look out for the casting couch, for swapping your pussy for a movie part,” and I was like “Ha, ha.” I mean I thought it was total bullshit. Okay, so I thought about it for a day, sex for a Screen Actor’s Guild card, which I really wanted. I mean, being in the union is essential, every actor’s goal. But in the end, I flushed his glossy business card down the toilet.

After a morning of yoga and a long Texas style dog stroll, I packed up and headed for Oklahoma. One can’t help but want to hear show tunes entering Oklahoma; Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein had branded it for everyone, and Broadway owned it. Wow, I felt a rush crossing the state line. Hello, Oklahoma! Thank god for CD players. I pulled over, found my Broadway Show of Shows CD with the ten greatest musicals, and blasted it. I can’t sing for shit, but with just Shadow with me in the car—it didn’t matter.

The Outsiders, Twister,
and
Near Dark
were filmed in Oklahoma. I was headed for the Big 8 Motel in El Reno, that had been renamed ‘Amarillo Motel’ during the filming of
Rainman
. I was excited to stay in the real thing.

I don’t think anyone can really go back home, and I knew I was returning temporarily to my father’s place, that he’d pull out his Ikea sofa in his study and I’d use it for my bedroom until I found another place to dwell. All that I had left behind in his apartment were four boxes filled with childhood; grade school and high school junk, memories of who I was or had planned to be. The open road is the perfect place to think, even with the Oklahoma sound track blaring in the background. The truth was, I was happy that I was going to see my father; it had been a long time. But I was also slightly unhappy, too.

The Big 8 Motel did not look like it did in
Rainman
, but I didn’t care; it was the real location and that was good enough for me. I took a 20-minute hot shower, returned cell phone calls, and sat naked on the motel bed. Motels and hotels are meant for sex. Sleeping alone or with a big dog is okay the first night, but night after night—it gets boring. So I called the Tennis Actor for phone sex. It actually works if two people are horny, only bummer this time; it was just me. He said, “Yeah, I’ll get you off, babe,” and I waited. I could hear noises in the background from the TV crew. He wasn’t in any of the shooting scenes, but he was hanging around, in case the director wanted to shoot him in a scene.

“I’m totally naked,” I said. And more silence followed.

Now I’m not the kind who enters a room naked without getting some attention. “I’m ramming a cucumber up my… (fake moans).” More silence.

“See you,” I said, and hung up.

He was in the middle of his Hollywood career world and I wasn’t. There’s a line from the movie,
Elizabethtown
, also filmed in El Reno. The character Claire Colburn says, “
I think I’ve been asleep most of my life.
” And for some unfortunate reason, it seemed to resonate. Maybe that was true of me.

Hello Missouri! We reached St. Louis before noon. Some creepy guy in a beat-up Pontiac started tailing me, as in close to my bumper, and I could see his ‘evil stare’ in my rear-view mirror. Oh God, my panic button went off. Panic as in, “Oh, God, he’s a serial killer,” I wasn’t sure where the police station was, but the airport seemed like the next safest place. He sped up and leered at me through the rolled down car window, not in that ‘suck my dirty dick’ look but in that “I’m a pure wacko” look. He was cast-able for a
SAW
remake. Incidentally, some of the scenes from the movie
Silence of the Lambs
were shot in Missouri.

I searched for my sunglasses, wanting to cover my eyes that I was sure were already showing my fear. Most times I feel truly fearless, but then there are times where I realize that I live in a world with good guys and really, really terrible ones. This was one of those ‘I’m scared’ moments.

‘St. Louis International Airport’ the sign read, like a beacon of light, and as I veered onto the ramp, he disappeared. Ha, I made it. Some of the major movies that were shot there are
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
and, of course,
Up in the Air.
I pulled into the no-loading, no-waiting zone and let out a sigh of relief. I was safe, I felt in control, and I was on solid, protected, highly secured American soil. Okay, I’m on a road trip. This is America, my America, and I want to enjoy it. So I focused my attention on the airport because it’s stylish. I had the urge to park and walk around as if waiting for my new Mr. Darcy to exit a plane, any plane, into my open arms. With Shadow in the backseat, I couldn’t park.

After ten minutes, I was ready to resume my road trip toward Indiana. I knew if I hauled ass, I would arrive at the Hotel Indigo at 9791 North by Northeast Boulevard. Okay, so besides being a pet-friendly hotel, the address reminded me of another one of my ‘forever single’ father’s favorite old films, Alfred Hitchcock’s
North by Northwest.
I’ll admit that I like the films my father likes, though I refuse to let him know it. Call it passive aggression on my part, if you want. Whatever!

The freeway drive was trouble-free into Indiana. I couldn’t really believe that here I was, twenty-seven years old and finally seeing some of America. Wow. “Better late than never” really rings true for me.

Hello Indiana! Hotel Indigo was modern and glossy; I liked the layout and was beyond happy to check in, as if something really good was going to happen to me during my one night. I’m given to illusions, no doubt, but Hollywood had been all about illusions. Now my mind had to create the perfect scene, the perfect thought of ‘what if this happens to me’. It was better than the night before. TG for that. Indiana has had a ton of films shot in it, such as
A Piece of Eden, A League of Their Own, Natural Born Killers, A Night on Elm Street, Breaking Away, Going All The Way
and
Eight Men Out.
It’s just that cool. I liked Indiana right away, I just did. There’s a line in the movie
Eight Men Out
that means a lot to me; the character Kid Gleason says, “
People are human.
” When you really think that way, it just can’t be that bad a world.

I walked Shadow and changed into my yoga pants and leotard top and headed for the gym; I wanted to get into ‘Amazon’ shape. In college, I told a challenging English professor that I was actually planning on becoming an ‘Amazon’ after graduation.

“Vivien, you can’t become an Amazon. They are women who exist without men,” he said, in an overly educated tone of voice.

Wow, how did he know I was guy crazy? How did he know that I suffered from penis envy? Ugh—I still continue to suffer from it. Go figure. Shortly before I graduated, he pulled me aside as he dismissed the class and he said that if I ever found myself in total doubt to seek out counseling/therapy. He just said it as if he really wanted me to know that. I didn’t say a word. But later that day, a female student accused me of sleeping with him. I didn’t bother to inform her that I wasn’t the gender he preferred—if she wanted to think I was screwing him, let her. A rumor like that is something worth remembering. Ha, ha!

An attractive guy was lifting weights. Salt and pepper hair. Maybe early forties, I thought, but Paloma had also warned me, “Some guys grey early, and it don’t match their age.” I hopped on the treadmill, pivoted towards him; he could see me in the mirror as I walked my butt into shape. Hotel Indigo scored extra bonus points in my book—the workout room was top rate. Okay, so I’m not the kind to flirt first and, it wasn’t like this had a future. He glanced over at me. “Smile now,” I ordered myself. I can be so slow sometimes that it freaks me out. Later after a potential ‘flirt’ scene is over, I look back over it like I’m a director correcting what my character (me) should have done. It’s usually a brutal critique, because I messed up the moment and an actress is supposed to be in the moment.

The couple that had been using the rower and stepper left the room, leaving the two of us.

“Where are you from?” he asked.

I told him in five minutes how I had been born in New York City and raised in the West Village, and then lived in Cambridge, Massachusetts, for high school, then college in Bronxville, NY, and then Hollywood and…“SHUT UP,” memo to self. I stopped, smiled and got off the treadmill, just as he finished his set of weights and was toweling his neck dry.