Goodnight Mind (6 page)

Rule 3: Be in Bed Only When Asleep (or Very Close to Sleep)

It makes sense that if your bed is to become a signal for sleep, you must pair it with sleep over and over again. The way to do this is to be in bed only when sleep is imminent. This means
go to bed only when you feel sleepy
. For many people with sleep problems, this advice is complicated because they often feel extremely tired but not
sleepy
. By sleepy, we mean “about to fall asleep.” Feeling sleepy is different from feeling fatigued, feeling tired, or having low energy. By being in bed
only
when you are sleepy or asleep, you will un-train your body (and mind) from associating your bed with being awake and train it to associate your bed with sleeping.

It is possible that, when you first begin following this rule, you will have several nights of poor sleep. Fortunately, you have a natural system in your body that will make up for the sleep loss with deeper sleep (see chapter 3), and, ultimately, you will start sleeping better. You need to be strategic and be willing to accept a poor night or two, so that un-learning that your bed is associated with sleeplessness can happen and you can sleep better for many nights to come.

Rule 4: Get Out of Bed at the Same Time Every Day

If you want your body to know that when you are in bed, you should be asleep, you should set aside the same time each and every night for sleeping. However, because the rule above is that you are not to get into bed until your body feels
sleepy
, you may not always be able to control your bedtime. For example, your bedtime may be eleven, but if you do not feel sleepy at eleven, you must stay awake until you do. In contrast, you
can
control when you get out of bed in the morning, simply by setting an alarm. Setting an alarm becomes the anchor of your sleep period. Getting up at the same time each morning sets your body clock and also ensures that you are spending enough time out of bed to be building a drive for deep sleep. Moreover, if you get up at the same time each morning, seven days per week, you will start to become sleepy at around the same time every night. That is, your body will learn to produce sleep between certain hours of the night and
only
between those certain hours.

One thing to keep in mind is that in the beginning, when you follow rule 3 (be in bed only when asleep or very close to sleep), initially you may have some nights of poor sleep until your body gets the idea. However, it is very important that you get out of bed at your set rise time and resist the temptation to make up for lost sleep. Staying in bed past your usual rise time will have negative effects on your body clock, will prevent adequate buildup of drive for deep sleep, and will undermine the idea that sleep occurs only in your bed and only between certain hours. This will make it more likely that your body and mind will be wide awake the next night.

Rule 5: Get Out of Bed If Unable to Sleep

If you want your bed to be associated with sleep only, then you must get out of bed and preferably leave the room whenever it is obvious that you will not be able to fall asleep any time soon. We don’t recommend you use a clock for this purpose, but you can usually tell within fifteen minutes of getting into bed whether you are going to have a hard time falling asleep.

What can you do when you leave the room? You can do anything that will not make you feel more awake. Pick an activity that is pleasurable or at least preferable to tossing and turning in bed, but one that does not make you feel more alert. Watching television in another room is a common and a good choice if the program you watch is not so engaging that you will be awake for the rest of the night watching it. Some people like to read, knit, or draw; others like to listen to music, a podcast, or an audiobook. Avoid activities that involve using very bright light and activities that are very engaging. Using the computer can be engaging and involve exposure to bright light—two elements that can increase how alert you feel—so we generally do not recommend it.

While awake in the middle of the night in a dark house, you must prioritize safety, so be sure that you have enough light to safely walk around. Ensuring safe lighting is of particular relevance for older adults and those on sleep medications. When you are in a different room and you start to feel sleepy, you can return to your room to sleep. If when you get into bed you become wide awake again, get out of bed again; be patient, as it may take some time for your body to get the message. It may take a few days, but your body will soon get the idea.

Rule 6: Take Your Active Mind out of Bed

Worrying, brooding, thinking, problem solving, mental list-making, and analyzing, even though they involve only your mind, are all activities that occur when you are awake, so they too can interfere with sleep and must be moved out of the bed. To train your mind to stop doing these activities in bed, get up and leave the bed, and preferably the bedroom; do not return to bed until these mental activities have quieted. You may find that these thoughts go away rather quickly or become less bothersome as soon as you leave the room. Getting out of bed when your mind is active may initially result in some poor nights, but eventually, either the mental activity in bed will decrease and/or the sleep deprivation will override the overactive mind; in either case, you will begin to sleep better.

Summary

This chapter explained specifically what you can do (some of which was also prescribed in previous chapters) to quiet your active nighttime mind that seems to maintain your sleep problems. The cause of an active mind when you want to sleep is often the type of learning called association, which may have taught your body through experience that your bed is a place where you do
not
sleep. Being in bed or staying in bed in the past when your mind was active may have led to your current problem of feeling awake and alert as soon as you get into bed. This happens unintentionally, of course, but you must actively work to undo this learning and retrain your body. You can do so by reducing or cutting out in-bed activities and getting out of bed whenever you are having trouble sleeping, thus preserving your bed as a sanctuary for sleeping (with the possible exception of sex). This will help you break the cycle of poor sleep in bed.

Chapter 5

Put a Buffer between the Day’s Activity and Sleep

I
n order to prevent the day’s unfinished business from interfering with sleep, we recommend you create a time each night that moves you away from the “active self” you are during the day and toward the “relaxed self” needed for sleeping. We call this time the Buffer Zone. You may believe that you take enough breaks in your day that you do not need a Buffer Zone; however, taking a break prior to getting ready for bed is almost always a necessity.

Do You Need a Buffer Zone?

Which of the following statements are often true for you?

• I think about problems in bed.
  
• I have trouble shutting my mind off at night.
  
• I become worried, tense, or anxious just before my bedtime.
  
• I worry in bed.
  
• I make to-do lists in my mind in bed.
  
• When I am in bed I find it difficult to resist the urge to check my e-mail or text messages or to answer the phone when it rings.
  
• I feel tense in bed.
  
• When I am in bed I think about things that have happened during the day.
  

These are all signs that you need to set aside time to deal with the day’s business before getting into bed. In actuality, everyone probably needs a Buffer Zone.

What Can We Learn from Mr. Rogers?

Fred Rogers was an iconic late-twentieth-century children’s television star who had a rather famous ritual during the opening of his show
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
. Every single episode, he would walk in the door of his “home,” take off his jacket and put on his trademark cardigan, then change out of his dress shoes into sneakers. In other words, when Mr. Rogers came home, there was a shift in his daily routine from a certain formality to relaxation and leisure. His time at home was spent interacting with friends, reading books, and enjoying his hobbies. This image of shifting gears in a deliberate way by changing your outfit may be helpful for you in coming up with your own Buffer Zone plan.

It may be that you lead a very busy life and your “work self” is constantly put upon to do difficult or stressful tasks. It is important to be able to make a distinction between that person—meaning your busy, goal-directed self—and your non-work self. Each day you should shift out of your busy, goal-directed self into a relaxed, winding-down self. Make this shift a part of your regular routine, and protect it; that is, try not to schedule activities that would conflict with the purpose of the Buffer Zone.

How to Establish a Buffer Zone

The Buffer Zone is a simple concept: it is a quiet time prior to bedtime. Every night, set aside time to do activities that promote rest and allow you to disengage from your busy life.

Prioritize Wind-Down Activities One Hour before Bedtime

To create a Buffer Zone, set aside an hour or so before bedtime during which you can do some calming, pleasant activities. This provides a transition between the goal-focused activities of the day and the quiet, more peaceful time of sleep. The activities you select for the Buffer Zone should be activities that are enjoyable in themselves and are not taken as a means to an end. Stay away from any activities that might be stimulating or that have the potential to upset you or cause you to worry.

Say “Good Night” to Your Personal Electronics

Many people use personal electronics to stay connected to their friends, family, and work. Even if you enjoy connecting to others through your personal electronic devices, social activity close to bedtime can interfere with the process of disconnecting from your active life and the day’s excitement and tensions so that sleep can unfold naturally. Waiting for the next text or e-mail, thinking of a response, and then waiting for the next message to arrive can create a sense of alertness that can interfere with sleep. Additionally, for some people, using personal electronics becomes addictive. If you became tense when you read the heading “Say ‘Good Night’ to Your Personal Electronics,” it may be useful to examine why this thought makes you tense. Anxiety drives compulsive behavior, and anxiety is not conducive to sleep. The best way to get rid of a compulsive behavior is to resist doing it and engage in an alternative behavior that is incompatible with the behavior you want to change. For example, turn off your personal device—your cell phone, portable gaming device, or tablet—and leave it in a different room (so that it is not handy) while you engage in something enjoyable and calming. Pretty soon, you will develop the habit of powering down your devices at night, and you may find yourself less alert close to bedtime. Later in this chapter you will find a list of activities you might consider for your Buffer Zone.

Adjusting the Duration of Your Buffer Zone

Although the rule of thumb is to institute an hour-long Buffer Zone, for people who have difficulty staying awake in the evening, an hour may be too long. This may be a particular problem for early birds (those who become sleepy early and rise early). If you find yourself nodding off in the evening, shorten your Buffer Zone to thirty minutes.

On the other hand, a variety of things can make it necessary to have a longer Buffer Zone. Your day may have been unusually active and stressful, or your evening activity may have been very exciting or upsetting; on such evenings, an hour may not provide enough time for you to distance yourself from the day’s excitement. People who are night owls are more prone to becoming alert late in the evening and may require a longer Buffer Zone and very careful attention to the type of activities they select for it. In general, if you find that you are frequently unable to disengage from the day even after an hour of unwinding, consider lengthening your Buffer Zone.

However, one hour is usually plenty of time for a wind-down period. If you are tempted to have your Buffer Zone start the moment you return home from work, or if you begin avoiding evening activities—such as socializing, housework, or hobbies—because you are worried they will interfere with sleep, you may be too worried about your sleep. Your life may have become just about working and sleeping, or more accurately
not
sleeping. Living this way is not helpful for sleep and may increase your vulnerability to depression. There is a difference between engaging in activities that help you wind down from a busy day and avoiding engaging in normal activities. The former can promote sleep; the latter can mean that you are preoccupied with sleep, and that could backfire and interfere with sleep.

Possible Buffer Zone Activities

The best activities for the Buffer Zone—your transition time—are those that are done for the sake of enjoyment and are not goal-oriented. We recommend that you create a list of appropriate activities to choose from during your Buffer Zone; below are some ideas to get you started. Keep in mind, however, that what may be a good Buffer Zone activity for one person may not be so good for another person, because people differ in how they approach certain activities. For example, many people enjoy solitaire, yet some play mindlessly just to pass the time while others strive to break a record time or a record score. For the former sort of player, solitaire is likely calming and a good Buffer Zone activity, but for the latter it may generate high levels of alertness.

• Reading a book
  
• Listening to music or a podcast
  
• Watching television
  
• Taking a bath/shower/sauna
  
• Doing yoga or tai chi
  
• Looking at a magazine or a book with art/photographs
  
• Playing a musical instrument
  
• Drawing or painting
  
• Watching sports
  
• Crafting
  
• Playing billiards or other games
  
• Knitting
  
• Stargazing
  
• Meditating