Guard My Heart (10 page)

Lewis slams my book closed and pushes it over to me. I
almost jump out of my seat when he does.

“Aren't you a skittish little kitten? Don't worry, we
won't bite. Okay, maybe Jase, he might bite. Damn, even I’ll bite if you ask
me,” Lewis drawls out teasingly while I stare at him with my mouth hanging open.

I grab my book and bag and leave the class. Once I'm out
of the classroom door, I have to remind myself not to run. I'm sure I already
look like a marathon walker. I slip into the nearest stall in the girls’
bathroom and lock the door. I drop my bag and kick it hard. What the hell is
that guy’s problem? Lewis doesn't know me; he doesn't know this school. Why is
he teasing me? And Jase, I don't know if I'm angry at him and his silence or at
my body and its crazy reaction towards him. I take a deep breath and rub my
eyes. One more class then I have an hour break before the next class starts. I
need to find Tom and buy a smoke. How he peddles his goods on school property
without being caught, I don’t know. Everybody knows he’s selling, but nobody has
been able to catch him doing it yet.

I walk the few steps to my next class in much less of a
rush than earlier. In this class, my seat is right in the back. Is it weird
that I chose the same seat in my literature class that I had in my English
class in high school? Everything is the same. Last row, middle seat. Jenna on
my right. Kyle’s seat on my left. But Kyle has never sat in this chair. Nobody
sits in this chair when I’m in this class. I miss Kyle; sometimes it hurts so
much I can’t breathe. But this is my English writing class and the pain helps.
It brings Dark front and center. She spews her venom, spreading her evil, and
Sanity rides in on her freaking white unicorn and turns the poison into art. My
best poems have been written in this class.

I walk to my row and drop my bag into the empty seat on my
left before sitting down in mine.

“Hi, Mia,” Jenna says from the seat next to mine. Her
honey blonde hair looks gorgeous in the messy bun she has at the back of her
head. Her blue eyes are open and friendly and extra sparkly with that blue
sweater she’s wearing. I greet her with a small smile. We used to be friends
before I decided I preferred being alone.

I grab my writing pad from my bag along with a pen before
turning my attention to the front of the class. Our assignment is written up on
the old green board. What does FEAR mean to you??? Five lines only. Leave your
papers on my desk. I frown and touch my pen to my empty page. What does fear
mean to me? There are so many things I'm afraid of, but I know that's not what
Miss Hatwick means. She doesn't want to know what we are afraid of. She wants
us to dig deeper than that. I hear the faint slap of boots against tile. THUD,
THUD, THUD, my hearts starts racing. I don’t have to look up to know who it is,
but I can’t help it, my eyes betray me and find him. Jase is standing a few
rows away from me. He’s looking over the rows of people for an open seat. In
this class there's plenty. They are also right smack in-between all the college
magazine writers. Gossip, sport, social. They are all there, sitting in a neat
row. It’s the gossip writers I can’t stand. Annoying damn things that I could
easily tolerate, if they only wrote half of the truth instead of all the
lies.

Jase looks up at me, and I lift my bag off the empty seat
next to me and drop it onto the floor with an audible thud. Jenna gasps next to
me, and I look over to her. Her eyes are wide in disbelief. I understand her
reaction completely. I'm not even sure why I just did it. No one has ever sat
next to me. Even though I never told anybody why this chair is always open,
everybody knows it’s because of Kyle. A stupid notion of a deranged chick,
trying to keep a piece of her dead twin alive. If anybody dared sitting in it,
I’d probably bite their arm off. Or that’s what the rumors say. Sometimes
rumors work in my favor. Jase stops in front of me and smiles that wicked smile
at me again. A shiver runs through my body causing goosebumps to rise on my
skin.

“Thanks,” he says before sitting down.

I don’t say anything; I just stare at my writing pad.
Sanity speaks loud and clear in my head, and I write the words down as I hear
them:

Sanity

Piercing eyes that look so deep,

Searching that place where all your secrets weep.

Layer by layer, you let your defenses fall,

In his silence you will bare your all.

Should you let him? Should you run?

Your heart made the decision.

It is already done.

Dark

With looks to make your brain fumble,

In his hand, your heart will crumble.

Heed the warning clear in your head.

Love and loss, build regret.

Walk away or pain will follow.

This won't do,

Happiness wasn't meant for you…

I'm lost in a jumble of words. A heavy cloud settles over
me. Dark is right, always the voice of reality. If I fall for this guy, I will
mess it up. I always lose whatever I care for. I also know that if Dark wins
this battle I will be sporting a brand new crimson scar on my wrist. I pull my
hoodie sleeve over the fingers holding my pen, suddenly fearful of my weakness
being exposed.

Sanity

You let fear dictate your course

It will take away your life by force.

You will never know if you don't let go.

What's there to lose?

You've already tied the noose.

In my mind, Sanity is standing proud holding a shiny
golden trophy, and Dark is sitting on the third place podium popping a sulk. I
giggle and scribble DS on the bottom of the page before folding it and placing
it in my bag. It’s just a bunch of crappy words thrown together right now, but
with a bit of mind washing and creative tumble drying it’ll make a fine canvas.
I look up at the clock on the wall. Only ten minutes left of class. I tap my pen
to the top of the new page, thinking of the correct words to use for my
assignment. It doesn’t take long for the words to hit me.

FEAR

MIA ANDREWS 

You are not alive. Your heart beats because that is what
your brain tells it to do.

Your lungs expand because that is what is required to
continue existing.

You are not in control. Terror.

I grab my bag and get up. Jase drops his page on the
professor’s desk a few feet ahead of me. I slow down and wait for him to leave
the class before going up to the desk.

He wrote down one sentence only:

Fear means not knowing what you are capable of.

What does that mean? I ponder that thought all over the
school grounds looking for Tom. I find him at the big outdoor swimming pool
selling something that looks way too illegal for close proximity should a
teacher or Federal agent show up.

“Mia, what can I do you for?” he drawls, looking me up and
down. I drop my change into his hand.

“Smokes,” I say giving him my evil stare.

“Ah sure,” he says before hastily handing me the two
cigarettes.

I guess the latest rumors are true then. I'm now
officially a witch that can make you suffer impotency just by looking at you.
This week should be interesting.

I cross the street from campus to the tattoo parlor on the
other side and light a smoke. I plan on making Alec and Livvy coffee and
scoring myself a cup without looking like a mooch. The bell on the door jingles
as I push through. I take my hoodie off and tousle the red and black strands
with my fingers. Livvy is at her usual spot behind the cash register.

“Hi Mia,” she greets me cheerily. Her purple hair bounces
up and down as she runs over to me and wraps me in a bear hug. She squeezes
hard and fast before letting me go. You wouldn't say she just saw me a couple
of hours ago. I guess she's just a happy person. Way too happy for my personal
space issues, but oddly enough, nobody in this place rubs me up the wrong way.
It’s like we have a secret understanding or bond type of thing.

“I thought I'd stop by and make you lazy bums some
coffee,” I say looking around for Alec, but he’s nowhere to be found.

“Thank goodness, because that man is a coffee consuming
machine. I must've made him ten cups already,” she says on a smile. It sounds
like a complaint, but it sure doesn’t look like one.

“Speaking of Alec, where is he?” I ask, scanning the room
once more.

“Oooh, he is in the back, showing these really cute guys
around, cousins of cousins or something like that,” she answers all dreamy
while staring in the direction of the back room. I laugh at her and follow her
to the kitchen. I grab the pot off the counter and fill it at the sink. As I
reach up to get the three cups from the shelf, a familiar voice booms down the
hall. My stomach sinks. Damn this guy. Is he everywhere? I keep facing the
cupboard and put the cups down in front of me.

“Hi baby girl, came for your daily fix I see. The boss
hides his choc chip on the top shelf,” Alec says from behind me. It’s
information Alec doesn't have to give me. I already know where the cookies are.
I take a step to the side and reach for the cookies. I wonder if Jase is with
them. Did Livvy say how many guys were in the back with Alec? I can't remember.
A long, low whistle comes from behind me.

“That is some fine…” Whatever Lewis was about to say ends
in a swoosh of air.

“You will not speak of Mia that way in front of me,” Alec
says in a don’t-fuck-with-me voice.

“Mia? Mia!” Lewis booms again, and I'm spun around by the
shoulder. My eyes scan the kitchen. Yes, all three of them are here. Jase has
his damn hoodie down too. He definitely has a face made for sin. Those green
eyes are framed by impossibly long and equally impossibly black lashes. A
silver hoop glistens in his right eye brow. My eyes travel down his nose that
looks like it might have been broken at some point. It adds to that danger he
seems to radiate. My eyes linger a bit too long on his lips, they look so soft
with the plumper bottom lip glistening as he runs his tongue over it. He grabs
hold of the snake bite in the corner of his lip with his teeth and lets it
slide free slowly. In that moment, I'm sure he is the devil sent here to drag
me to hell. With him I'd go freely. I force my eyes to move lower to his jaw
and the little stubble barely visible there. What would that feel like against
my tongue? I shake my head and look down at the floor. Lewis chuckles, takes
the pot from me and places it in the machine.

“He shocks and awes. An Angel and a Devil,” he says before
smacking me on my ass. I jump from the contact of the light slap and him
echoing my thought. Without thinking, I take a swing at him. My fist lands on
his chest, and I step forward jabbing my finger in his face.

“This isn't a riot! No smash and grab here,
buddy!”

He chuckles and takes a step back. “Feisty little thing.
First time I hear her speak and she doesn't make a word of sense. I don't speak
unavailable, Mia,” he says while reaching to take three more cups from the
shelf. I stare at him open-mouthed. Until I realize Jase is staring at me. I
snap my mouth close and start filling up the three cups closest to me before
passing the pot to him. I add the milk and sugar to our cups and pass Livvy
hers before walking over to Alec in the next room to hand him his cup.

“Thanks, you know these guys, Mia?” Alec asks when he
takes the cup.

He sounds surprised. I shrug my shoulders “I don't, I go
to school with them. Since today,” I reply sliding into the chair at my station.
I haven't actually done a tattoo yet. I won't even practice on myself, I'm that
bad. Give me words, but anything graphical, I suck ass. Alec chuckles while
looking at Lewis and James.

“These guys don't have an educated cell in their brains,”
Alec says.

“Hey, we finished high school didn't we?” James says
smiling.

“We couldn't let Jase go in there alone on his first day.
New town and all,” Lewis says while he claps Jase on the back.

“What, you guys aren't in my school? You sat through an
entire class!” I yell. I’m pissed they ruined my first class of the
day.

“Yeah, and we got to meet you,” Lewis says on a sly wink.

I shake my head, down my lukewarm coffee, and grab my bag.
My last class starts soon. I say goodbye to Alec and Livvy, telling them I'll
see them later, and give a brief nod to the three guys. Jase stands up and
walks towards me. I panic and my stupid body freezes. He moves past me and
opens the door.

“Come on,” he says, motioning with his head. Oh shit, his
voice is hot. It reaches my ears and flows into my bloodstream warming each and
every nerve spurring my muscles forward. I swallow hard and walk through the
door. I keep my head down, pondering if I should light my next smoke, when I
catch a glimpse of the black hoodie next to me. He is so close to me the fabric
of his hoodie rubs against mine. THUD, THUD, THUD, the long dormant organ
pumping blood through my veins thuds faster. My heart is getting a workout
every time Jase is near.

Jase flicks the hoodie over his head and digs around in
his pockets before taking out a cigarette. He has a tiny tattoo on his
forefinger. It looks like a word but I can't make out what it says, and as much
as I’d like to stare at it until I figure it out, I really don’t want to make a
bigger ass out of myself today. I gladly take the lit cigarette he is offering
and pull my hoodie over my head before taking a drag. When I pass the cigarette
back to him, his fingers brush over the top of my hand. A small jolt runs from
my hand to my heart. The little sucker jumps in my chest, swelling to dangerous
levels.

I watch Jase until he disappears around the side of the
old grey building towards the auto shop classes. Now I’m sitting in my last
class for the day, and all I can think of is Jase. Why did he transfer here so
late? We only have three weeks left before this year is through. Are Lewis and
James his brothers? There is a resemblance, but Lewis has this
tangle-your-fingers-and-scream-my-name dirty-blond hair, while James has
softer, wavy, light-blond locks. Those two could be brothers, but Jase, with
his inky black strands covering his eyes, just doesn't fit. Why did they have
to come to school with him on his first day? Jase doesn't look like the kind of
guy who needs backup. He surely won't take shit from the jockstrap asses
hovering around these halls.

The TA dismisses my computer class with no assignments.
One good thing about year’s end is no homework. I sulk a little, knowing I just
wasted a full class on questions about Jase. But I doubt I would’ve learned
anything we haven’t gone through during the year.

****

“Cousins, Mia. They are my distant cousins. Lewis and
James are cousins. Lewis’s dad is Uncle Ray. He owns Ray’s garage downtown. The
guys all work there as far as I know. Uncle Ray took James in when his parents
could no longer look after him. James has been stuck in Lewis’s shadow ever
since. I’ve heard the two of them are inseparable. Something about Lewis always
getting into shit. Jase is from out of town. They brought him here yesterday. He
is their cousin not mine. Can we quit with the questions now?” Alec says
sounding exasperated.

I blush and look down. “Yeah sure,” I mumble.

“Can you friggin’ blame the girl, Alec? Those boys are
gorgeous! I just want to squeeze Jase so hard; he has this poor lost boy thing
going on. I'm afraid he'll bite my arm off if I try, though,” Livvy says
laughing to herself.

I scowl at her but instantly feel bad. I really can’t
blame her. I feel the same, but I’m stupid enough to risk losing an arm. I’ll
even lie down and let him nibble on the damn thing if he wants too. I suppose
that's why my head is so hung up on Jase. I've got a good heart, always quick to
care. That little fact changed after Kyle died, so why now? Great, more annoying
questions. I don’t need a lost bad boy to screw around with my head. I need to
finish college and get the hell away from this town and the memories that haunt
me.

The bell on the front door jingles, and I look up into
beautiful, green pools of sin. My heart speeds up. My belly flutters. My whole
body tingles with nervous excitement. Like I'll go groupie and follow him
everywhere he goes just to get that feeling every time he looks at me.

Alec gets up and leads Jase to the back, releasing me from
my dazed stupor. I raise an eyebrow at Livvy, and she answers me with a smile
so big I fear her ears might pop off. I refuse to look away from her face as
the slow rhythmic thuds of his heavy boots drum on the floor. He’s walking
towards me where I'm sitting flipping through a file filled with tattoos. His
hands are at my eye level, but I still don’t look away from Livvy. She raises
her eyebrow at me, but all I can see is Jase drying his hands on a paper towel.
His fingers leave little black prints all over the white tissue. I want to be
that tissue. What do his hands feel like? Are they rough and calloused? Or are
they soft and warm. A tingle runs up my spine, and I sit up straighter, locking
eyes with him. The green orbs study me, making me feel like he can see straight
into my soul. Maybe he really is the devil sent to drag me to hell for my sins.
He smiles at me, and this one is different than the wicked one that steals my
breath. This one lights up his eyes and transforms his face. This one is the
angel inside of him. I can't help it, I smile back. My heart beats a little
faster when he squeezes in next to me to flip through the file. My hands shake
so much when I try to turn the page that I just drop the file into his lap and
stick them into my hoodie pockets.

Jase starts talking; I close my eyes and lose myself in
the sound. His voice is gruff like sea sand sliding through your fingers leaving
behind that rough tingling sensation. I force myself to listen to what he is
telling me, but even with utmost concentration I only catch a few words. I
catch the words that matter. Alec said he can train here. He wants to be a
tattoo artist. Jase is halfway through the file when two girls walk in. Livvy
points them in our direction, and I look around for Alec.

“Alec will be right out; you girls go ahead and show Jase
what you have in mind.” Her words hardly leave her mouth before the girls are
on top of us. Why did she do that? I frown at her. She smiles back at me
looking a bit confused. Maybe she didn’t mean anything by it. But Jase is just a
trainee; surely he can’t help these chicks. Or maybe she’s just trying to help
him fit in?

Both chicks smile coyly at Jase and ignore me. Well that's
fine by me. I just don't like how they are looking at him. I don't care if they
have tattoos or piercings and short skirts and boots. All the girls in this
town are so predictable. Money, money, money. It’s all that matters to them.
That and new talent. Jase is definitely new talent.

“Whoa…” I jump up and grab the redhead by the hand, who is
trying to yank up her shirt.

“Let go of me, bitch. I'm trying to show him the spot,”
she screeches.

I take a deep breath and drop her arm. “We don't undress
in the front of the shop. If you want to expose yourself please do so in the
back.” I want to add, “and save me the mental scaring,” but the impact of what
I just said hits me like water from a fire hose in a blaze. Shit, I just told
her to take Jase to the back where she'll probably flash her tits at him. I
mentally palm slap my forehead. Repeatedly and very hard.