Hazards (4 page)

“I can’t take the chance,” he said. “You may have free run of the island until I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?” I asked.

“You’ll find out,” he said with a strange smile.

Suddenly it started raining, which it does a lot of in the rain forest, and pretty soon we could hardly hear ourselves over the thunder.

“You ain’t going to make a fellow white man sleep outside in this weather, are you?” I said, looking out the window.

“That was never my intention,” said Doctor Mirbeau. “I’ll have a bed prepared for you next door in the House of Agony.”

“The House of Agony?”

“That’s right,” he said.

“You know, I think the rain’s lightening up already,” I said quickly as it continued to pour. “Maybe I’ll just spend the night on the beach.”

“I won’t hear of it,” he said. “You can’t be too careful with your health.”

Those were my sentiments exactly, but no matter how much I protested, he insisted that I accept his hospitality. Finally he got up, put an arm around my shoulders, and walked me over to the front door.

“Your boat has been moved to a safe place,” he said. “You really don’t want to leave the island without it, as the water is infested with alligators.”

I couldn’t see that a river being infested with alligators was all that much worse than an island being infested with a mad scientist, but I kept my opinion to myself.

“Dinner is at eight o’clock,” he said as he opened the door for me. “Promptness is appreciated.” He stared at me. “I don’t suppose you brought a dinner jacket?”

“I could go back to San Palmero right now and get one,” I suggested hopefully.

“No,” he said. “We’ll simply have to rough it.”

“What’s on the menu?” I asked as I remembered that I hadn’t had nothing to eat all day and decided that I might as well make the best of my situation.

“Raoul,” he said.

Suddenly a handful of nuts and berries started looking mighty good to me. I walked out the door, and found Ramon, Miguel and Felicity waiting for me out there in the rain.

“I’m surprised to see you,” said Felicity. “Most men who enter the doctor’s house never come out.”

“At least, not as men,” added Ramon.

“Do you guys mind if we walk while we’re talking?” I said, heading off into the jungle.

“What’s your rush?” asked Miguel. “It’s raining at the far end of the island too.”

“Yeah, but that’s a lot farther from the House of Agony than we are now,” I pointed out.

“True,” he agreed. “On the other hand, it’s a lot closer to the House of Pain.”

I came to a stop. “Has Doctor Mirbeau got any other houses I should know about?”

“No,” said Felicity. “But he has five others you probably shouldn’t know about.”

“If I ever get off this here island,” I vowed to nobody in particular, “the very first thing I’m going to do is never think about it again.”

“You will never leave the island,” said Ramon. “I am surprised he didn’t tell you that.”

“Well, he did kind of hint at it,” I allowed. “But I was hoping he said it with a kindly twinkle in his eye.”

“That was a cataract, and there’s nothing kindly about it,” said Miguel. “You’re stuck here.”

“I’ve run through thirty-four countries looking for the right spot to build the Tabernacle of Saint Luke,” I said. “Who’d have thunk I’d wind up having to build it here, with nothing in my flock except a bunch of godless animals?”

“I resent that!” said Felicity.

“The godless part or the animal part?” I asked.

“Both!”

“Then I apologize,” I said. “I sure don’t want no god-fearing five-ton lady mad at me.”

“Leave my weight out of this!” she snapped.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, ma’am,” I told her. “I ain’t never seen a ten-thousand-pounder, human or otherwise, what was so feminine and delicate-looking and light on her feet.”

She made a sound that was a cross between a tuba hitting M over high C and a trolly car skidding downhill on some rusty tracks.

“Now see what you’ve done?” said Miguel. “She’s crying!”

Her body was wracked by sobs, which made it pretty hazardous for anyone standing in her immediately vicinity, like especially me, so I spoke up and said, “I don’t want to be presumptuous, Miss Felicity, ma’am, but if you’re that unhappy about being an elephant, why not just have Doctor Mirbeau change you back into the charming lady bank-robber or mad bomber you were to begin with?”

Felicity began crying even harder and louder.

“You simply do not understand our situation,” said Ramon.

“Sure I do,” I said. “You’re a bunch of worthless lawbreaking scum, meaning no offense, what probably committed a passel of crimes against the laws of Man and God, and came here to avoid the just and righteous punishment of an outraged citizenry.” Ramon snarled, and Miguel glared at me and began pawing the damp ground, but I held up a hand. “This is your lucky day,” I said. “Your troubles are solved. I just happen to be in the salvation business. And as an introductory offer, I’ll forgive any five heinous sins for the price of four.”

“Our biggest sin is stupidity,” sniffled Felicity.

“I absolve you!” I said. “That’ll be $1.83 in cash.”

“Do you see pockets on any of us?” said Miguel.

“Okay, we’ll put it on the cuff,” I said. “Just be sure you pay me before you leave the island or I may have to tell God to strike you dead, and He’s such a busy critter that I really hate to bother Him unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“We’re never leaving the island again,” muttered Ramon unhappily.

“Why not?” I asked. “I mean, you’ve got your ready-made disguises, so why ain’t you and Miss Felicity out in polite canine and pachyderm society?”

“We were,” said Miguel. “Well, some of us were.”

“And some of us have never left the island,” said Felicity. “You’d be surprised how few places in South America an elephant can go without drawing undue attention.”

“Yeah, I can see where it’s difficult to hide out in a crowd if there ain’t no crowd on hand,” I said. “Maybe you should have hitched a ride to Africa.”

“I don’t
want
to go to Africa!” she wailed. “I just want to be a woman again.”

“Our transformations were completed a decade ago,” said Ramon. “The police are no longer hunting for us. Our case files are closed. We have returned to the island to be changed back into human beings.”

“Well, that seems reasonable,” I allowed.

“It’s reasonable,” said Ramon. “It’s just not likely.”

“Oh?” I said. “Why not?”

“Because that foul fiend has raised his prices!” growled Ramon.

“It’s extortion!” chimed in Miguel. “Where is a moose going to get fifty thousand dollars — especially in these difficult economic times?”

“And there’s no sense threatening him,” added Felicity. “He knows that we don’t dare risk hurting the one man who can turn us back into men and women.”

“So you figure you’re going to be a full-time long-term elephant?” I asked her.

She began crying again. “I used to be so beautiful! I never wanted to be an elephant! I wanted to be something sleek and feline. And thin. Do you know what it’s like for someone who counted calories all her life to eat five hundred pounds of grass and shrubs a day on a minimum maintenance diet?”

“There there,” said Miguel, trying to comfort her. “There there.”

“And the worse part of it is Cedric!” she continued.

“Cedric? Who’s Cedric?” I asked.

“My partner,” said Felicity. “Doctor Mirbeau turned him into a mouse, and now I’m scared to death of him!”

“What did you two do before you came here?” I asked.

“Hardly anything at all,” said Felicity. “We didn’t kill anywhere near as many of my husbands as they claimed. Just nine or ten.” She paused. “Maybe twelve at the outside.”

“You don’t know how many husbands you killed?”

“Some of them died from natural causes,” she said defensively.

I didn’t see no sense in arguing with her, because it was certainly natural for a heart to stop beating after someone had pumped half a dozen bullets into it.

“At least Cedric is alive and wandering around the island somewhere,” said Ramon. “Not like poor Omar.”

“Omar was
your
partner?”

“Yes.”

“What happened to him?” I asked. “Did he die on Doctor Mirbeau’s operating table?”

“No,” said Ramon. “Doctor Mirbeau turned him into a rabbit.” A tear came to his eye. “I ate him.”

“You ate your own partner?”

“It was instinct,” said Ramon. “He shouldn’t have run. Ever since the operation I have this compulsion to chase things.”

“How about you?” I said, turning to Miguel. “You got a partner too?”

“No,” said Miguel. Then: “Well, not anymore, anyway.”

“But you did have one?”

“I had four,” he said. “A father, two sisters, and a brother. It was a family business.”

“And are they wandering around the island too?” I asked.

“No,” said Miguel. “I turned them all in for the reward years ago.”

“So here we are on the Island of Lost Souls,” said Ramon, “just a few hundred yards from the man who could transform us back into human beings but refuses to do so.”

“Sometimes I get so frustrated I could just sit on him,” said Felicity.

“I know you’re having dinner with him tonight, Doctor Jones,” said Miguel. “Could you intercede with him on our behalf?”

“Well, actually, I was kind of planning to intercede with him on
my
behalf,” I replied.

They begged and cajoled and Ramon started growling and I was afraid Felicity was going to start crying again, so finally I gave in and promised to speak to him at dinnertime.

“Thank you, Doctor Jones,” said Miguel, who I decided wasn’t a bad guy for a moose. “Our prayers go with you.”

Suddenly Felicity trumpeted in terror and raced off screaming into the jungle, knocking down trees right and left as she went.

“What was that all about?” I asked.

“She probably saw Cedric again,” said Ramon in a bored voice. “It happens all the time.”

“Poor baby,” said Miguel. “What a comedown.”

“Was she really that pretty before the operation?” I asked.

“Compared to what?” said Ramon.

“She was much prettier then than she is now,” said Miguel. He stopped and mulled on it for a minute. “Well, a bit prettier, anyway.” He thunk a little more. “If not prettier, at least smaller.”

“And she smelled better,” added Ramon.

“Well, this has been a fascinating conversation,” I said, “but I think it’s probably time for me to head back over to Doctor Mirbeau’s house for dinner.”

“Good luck, Doctor Jones,” said Ramon.

I started traipsing back through the jungle, and after a while the rain let up and pretty soon I found myself at the front door. I was going to open it when something big and shaggy opened it from the inside.

“You are expected,” he said, stepping back to let me pass.

“
You
sure ain’t,” I said, staring at him.

“Have you got something against gorillas?” he asked me.

“Not a thing,” I said quickly. “Some of my best friends are gorillas, or so close to ’em as makes no difference. I just ain’t never encountered one working as a doorman before.”

“I hope you don’t think I enjoy being a house servant,” said the gorilla.

“It ain’t never occurred to me to seriously consider whether a gorilla would be happy as a butler,” I admitted. “But if you don’t like it, what are you doing here?”

“I’m hiding from the police.”

“Back up a minute here,” I said. “I thunk you got turned into a gorilla so you wouldn’t have to hide no more.”

“I should have saved my money and taken my chances,” he said bitterly.

“But you look exactly like a gorilla.”

“I used to be a professional wrestler,” he said. “The police saw through the surgery instantly.”

“You looked like
this
when you rassled?” I asked.

He opened a cabinet and produced two photographs.

“Before and after,” he said, and sure enough I couldn’t tell one from the other.

He led me into the dining room, where Doctor Mirbeau, dressed in a sweat-stained white tropical suit and a dirty tie, was already sitting at one end of the table, and the gorilla motioned that I was to sit at the other end.

“What do you think of my island now that you’ve had a little time to explore it?” asked Doctor Mirbeau.

“I suppose it’s one of the nicer islands I’ve ever encountered,” I said.

His face brightened. “So you like it?”

“Except for the heat, and the bugs, and the mud, and the rain, and the talking animals, and the fact that you won’t let me leave,” I answered.

“I can’t control the other things, but I’ll order the animals to leave you alone.”

“Actually, they asked me to speak to you on their behalf,” I said.

He made a face. “I thought as much.”

“Mighty few animals can lay their hands, or whatever passes for their hands, on fifty thousand dollars,” I said. “Why don’t you turn ’em back into men and woman and let ’em pay you afterward?”

“I can’t,” he said.

“Why not?” I asked. “Ain’t a delayed payment better than no payment at all?”

“It’s out of the question,” he said.

“That don’t make no sense,” I protested. “You need money to continue your work. These animals ain’t got two cents to rub to-gether. If you don’t operate on ’em, they won’t never have no money, but if you do operate then maybe they’ll be able to get some.”

“Forget it.”

“Why are you being so stubborn?” I said.

“Because I don’t know how to turn then back!” he bellowed. “That’s what I need the money for — to pay my expenses until I learn how!”

There was an angry trumpeting outside the building, and Doctor Mirbeau suddenly turned even whiter than his suit.

“What was that?” he asked in a shaky voice.

“If I was a betting man,” I said, “I’d lay plenty of eight-to-five that Felicity heard every word you just said with them oversized ears of hers, and that she is more than a little bit displeased with you.”

“Oh my God!” he whispered.

“I got a feeling God’s otherwise occupied at the moment,” I answered as a couple of lions began roaring, “but I’ll be sure to tell Him you called.”