Healing Your Emotional Self (28 page)

Harbin, Thomas J.
Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men
. New York: Marlowe and Company, 2000.

Lerner, Harriet Goldhor.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
. New York: Harper and Row, 1985.

Williams, Redford, and Virginia Williams.
Anger Kills: 17 Strategies for Controlling the Hostility That Can Harm Your Health
. New York: Harper Paperbacks, 1993.

RECOMMENDED READING
253

forgiveness

Klein, Charles.
How to Forgive When You Can’t Forget: Healing Our Personal Relationships.
New York: Berkley Publishing Group, 1997.

Safer, Jeanne.
Forgiving and Not Forgiving: A New Approach to Resolving Intimate Betrayal
. New York: Avon, 1999.

Smedes, Lewis B.
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve
.

San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1984.

reconciliation

Davis, Laura.
I Thought We’d Never Speak Again
. New York: HarperCollins, 2002.

dealing with your abusive parents today

Bloomfield, Harold.
Making Peace with Your Parents
. New York: Ballantine Books, 1983.

Engel, Beverly.
Divorcing a Parent
. New York: Ballantine Books, 1991. Secunda, Victoria.
When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends
. New York:

Dell Publishing, 1990.

Index

abandonment.
See
rejection abuse.
See
emotional abuse acceptance, 150

by peers, 69

addicts, 3 anger

constructive expression of, 93–96, 199–201

toward parents, 91

avoidance, 64–65

beliefs, questioning, 109

belittlement, 53

biofeedback, 246

blame, 53–54, 112

body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), 64

body image, 2, 63–64, 175–77

creation of, 65–68

damage to, 69–74, 177–79

improving, 74–76, 181–84

See also
perfectionism borderline personality disorder, 2,

246, 247

boundaries, setting, 109

BPD.
See
borderline personality disorder

breathing retraining, 246

Brown, Byron, 134, 151–52,

217–18

Bruch, Hilde, 196

CBT.
See
cognitive behavioral therapy

characterological low self-esteem, 83

child abuse, effects of, 2.
See also

specific type

childhood, recovering from, 156–74, 232.
See also
inner- child work; self, healthy image of

cognitive behavioral therapy, 246 cognitive restructuring, 246

compassion, 134

confronting parents, 110–13

contempt, 54

control, excessive parental, 47–50, 212–14

recovering from, 216–19

rejecting, 214–16

core beliefs, negative, 96–102 creating a new mirror, 27, 77

critic, inner, 16, 119–22

rejecting the, 117–18, 122–26,

133–35, 216–18, 227–28

255

criticism, excessive parental, 15, 52–55, 220–22

DBT.
See
dialectic behavioral ther- apy

defending parents, 201–2

denial, 112

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, The,
60–61

dialectic behavioral therapy, 247 dialogue, inner, 123–25

DID.
See
dissociative disorders disapproval, parental.
See
critic,

inner

dissociative disorders, 246 dread, sense of, 221

DSM-IV.
See The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

eating disorders, 3

EMDR.
See
eye movement desensitization and reprocessing

emotional abuse, 14, 16–22 body image and, 69–76 empathy for self after, 156–61 feelings about, 90–91

See also
specific type emotional intelligence, 143,

149–50

emotional neglect.
See
neglect emotional separation, 115–16

emotional understanding, 92–93 emotions

being aware of, 149–50 identifying, 144–47

judging, 145, 148–49

negative, 146–48

empathetic mirroring, 157–59

empathetic responses, 24–25

emptiness, 150

engulfment, 150

enmeshment, 107–9 essence.
See
self

essential qualities, 152–53

expectations disabling, 54–55

reasonable, 164

exposure therapy, 246

eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, 247

failure, sense of.
See
self-esteem fathering, 161–64

feeling brain, 245

feelings, description of, 103 Firestone, Robert, 244–45

forgiveness, 113–14

Gestalt therapy, 123–25

Goleman, Daniel, 143 Golumb, Elan

on healing, 130–31, 157–58, 230,

234, 236

on narcissism, parental, 60, 61,

62, 128

grief, 115–16

group therapy, 234

guilt, 112

healing, 1, 238–41.
See also
specific type

help, seeking outside, 235–37 humiliation, 54

inadequacy

of child, 50–51

of parents, 32

incest, emotional, 44–45, 204–7

healing from, 210–11

independence, declaring, 107–9

individuation, 104–6, 115–16, 205,

233–34

inner-child work, 192–96 inner core.
See
self

inner critic.
See
critic, inner

intellectual understanding, 92 introject, negative.
See
saboteur,

inner

invisibility, 58–62

Kaufman, Gershen, 54, 57

limits, setting, 109

Linehan, Marsha, 247 Loring, Marti Tamm, 21–22 lovability, 30–35

Love, Patricia, 209–10

love of self.
See
body image; critic, inner; saboteur, inner; self-love

marasmus, 34

marital therapy, 246

Mayer, John, 149–50

Mellin, Laurel, 157, 164, 165.
See also
Solutions Program

Middleton-Moz, Jane, 92 Mietus, Therese Blackwell, 241 Miller, Alice, 113–14

mirror

body image and, 71–72, 179–80 creating a new, 26–28

looking in the, 9–12

mirroring, parental.
See
Parental Mirrors

mirror journal, 78, 82, 153

mirror therapy, 3, 26–28, 77–80, 243–44.
See also
specific type

mistreatment.
See
specific type

mothering, 159–61.
See also

self-care

Napier, Nancy, 81

narcissism, parental, 58–62,

229–30

recovering from, 230–37 narcissistic personality disorder, 2,

60–61

negative core beliefs.
See
core beliefs, negative

negative emotions.
See
emotions neglect

body image and, 69–76 healing from, 187–98

misunderstanding of, 18–20

parental, 4–5, 14, 16, 30–32,

34–35

of self, 171–73

self-image and, 20–22

NPD.
See
narcissistic personality disorder

nurturing, 133–35, 167–71, 246.

See also
mothering

obsessiveness, 64–65 overprotectiveness, parental.
See

smothering, parental

pain.
See
grief

parental mirrors, 80–82, 96

types of, 29–62

parental mirrors
(continued)

See also
mirror therapy parenting, effective, 14, 24–25

babies and, 26 compensating for lack of,

156–74

pathological critic, 119

Peck, M. Scott, 156, 163

perfectionism, 9–12

parental, 50–51

rejecting, 227–28

See also
shame

physical neglect.
See
neglect positive voice, 133–35 possessiveness, parental.
See

smothering, parental

post-traumatic stress disorder, 246–47

powerlessness, 47–50

professional help, seeking, 235–37 projection, parental, 80–82, 91–92

psychic numbing, 143–44

psychological maltreatment, 20.

See also
emotional abuse PTSD.
See
post-traumatic stress

disorder

rage, 57.
See also
anger rationaliziation, 112

reconciliation, 114–15 recovery.
See
healing rejection

healing from, 187–203

parental, 35–40

peer, 69

relapse prevention, 246

relationships, 4

resolving, 113–15

resentment, 110.
See also

anger respect, 25

responses to abuse, 1

saboteur, inner, 126–30

rejecting the, 130–35

sadness, 145–46

Sagan, Eugene, 119

security, 21

self, 4

creation of, 4

examination of, 11–12

flagellation of, 198–201

healthy image of, 87–90, 139–55

sense of, 23–24

self-absorption, parental.
See
nar- cissism, parental

self-acceptance, 134–35, 153–55,

218–19

self-awareness, 149, 188–90

self-care, 156–61, 167–74

self-concept, 12–13

self-consciousness, 24

self-destructiveness, 180

self-esteem, 2, 4, 12–15, 17, 150

improving, 83, 202–3

See also
perfectionism self-indulgence, 196–98

self-love, 218–19

self-nurturing.
See
self-care self-pity, 112

self-statements, 103

self-talk diary, 102–3

separation from parents, 204–5.

See also
individuation shame, 22–23, 52–57, 58, 220–24

rejection of, 92–94, 224–27

shame attack, 221, 226

Shapiro, Francine, 247

shattering your parental mirror, 27, 77

situation, description of, 103 situational low self-esteem, 83 smothering, parental, 5, 17–20,

40–47, 204–7

body image and, 69–76 healing from, 210–11

Solutions Program, 3, 164, 165,

166, 245–46

spirituality circles, 234

stress inoculation, 246 structure.
See
fathering

therapy.
See
specific type

touch, importance of, 190–91 Touraine, Grace, 196 treatment.
See
specific type true self.
See
self

12-step groups, 234

unresolved relationships, 113

validation, 25, 202–3

values, questioning, 109

voice, positive, 133–35

voice therapy, 244–45

Wisechild, Louise M., 22, 29, 104

Woodman, Marion, 142

worthlessness, 35–40 wounds.
See
specific type

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