Hold Me Closer: The Tiny Cooper Story (6 page)

Lynda the babysitter enters, followed by The Ghost of Oscar Wilde.

TINY:

What are you doing here? Haven’t you gone off to Oberlin by now? And who is that with you?

LYNDA:

This is more of a thematic interruption than a realistic one. And this is Oscar Wilde.

TINY:

What is Oscar Wilde doing here?

LYNDA:

He’s proof that you can be a genius artist and still be a fool for love.

TINY:

I don’t think I’m ready for that lesson yet.

Lynda dismisses The Ghost of Oscar Wilde from the stage. He goes without saying a word.

LYNDA:

You need to learn to put things in perspective.

TINY:

You say that, and all I hear is, “You need to stop being so crazy, Tiny Cooper.”

LYNDA:

That’s not what I said.

TINY:

But it’s what I heard! And I’m
not
crazy. The issues with my ex-boyfriends aren’t all my issues. They have issues, too.

LYNDA:

I know.

TINY
(
as if she didn’t just agree with him
):

Don’t believe me? Send out exes #3, #12, and #16. They all broke up with me for basically the same reason.

LYNDA:

And what was that?

TINY:

My size.

EXES #3, #12, AND #16
come out singing their lines from the parade. They seem disjointed out of the context of the song, like Cinderella and the others singing through the forest in the second act of
Into the Woods
.

EX-BOYFRIEND #3:

You’re so massive.

EX-BOYFRIEND #12:

I can’t conquer my doubt.

EX-BOYFRIEND #16:

I’m worried that you’ll break my bed.

EX-BOYFRIEND #3:

Just look at your size!

EX-BOYFRIEND
#12:

I need someone with a nicer butt.

EX-BOYFRIEND #16:

I don’t mind if you want to delete me.

The audience should feel uncomfortable here, because these are not comfortable things that the ex-boyfriends are saying.

Tiny stops addressing Lynda, who goes offstage as Tiny talks to the audience.

TINY:

You might ask: “Didn’t they know what they were getting into from the start? It’s not like you suddenly grew to be this size overnight!” To which I say: True. And I’m sure there were some people who were frightened away before they ever got to know me. Ex #3 was someone I met at the mall—we didn’t really date. I just made sure to get invited to a party he was going to be at, and when I made my move, he called me massive and said, “Just look at your size,” and that was the end of that. He counts as an ex because he made me feel dumped even without making me feel loved first.

Ex #12, Curtis, was different—I think he kept seeing me as his friends saw me, and wasn’t strong enough to tell them to shut up. When it was just the two of us, when we could block out the world, it was fine. But no relationship should rely on you blocking out the world. The world will always get in. And if the world is going to make you self-conscious about dating a big-boned boy, that big-boned boy is going to notice.

As for Ex #16, Royce—he flirted with
everyone.
But if you ever liked him back, forget it. Some boys—not many, but a few—are like that, getting their own strength from finding your weakness and poking it. There’s something weirdly transfixing about their confidence, like even as they’re condescending to you, you’re secretly hoping that their strength will rub off and suddenly you’ll be as confident as they are. But that’s not how it works. Being strong at being a jerk isn’t really strength—it’s just being a jerk. It may make these guys great Future Business Leaders of America, but it makes them really crappy boyfriends.

Now, about the number that’s going to soon unfold. Even though there are plenty of people like me who worship at its altar, musical theater is not particularly kind to its larger-of-frame characters. In opera, we get arias, romance, intrigue. In musical theater, we’re comic relief (when we’re allowed to be there at all). When the fat boy dances, it’s usually to get a laugh. But not here. Not in
my
show.

Here is what I want you to do. This is really two songs in one . . . but the audience won’t know that at first. For the first part, make it as campy as you want. Let them see the fat boy dance! But when the second part starts, strip that all away. Make it sincere. Think about what they were able to do in
Kinky Boots
. At first it’s all “hey, drag queens, ha ha ha”—but then at the end Billy Porter gets his big number and he sells it like he’s getting a commission. There’s no ha ha ha. There’s just a beautiful woman rising above her pain and all the shit she’s been given her whole life. What I’m writing here isn’t as good, but try to give it that power.

It’s exactly what Ex-boyfriends #3, #12, and #16 would not want you to do. Imagine them sitting in the audience as you’re singing this. Imagine them laughing at you at the start. And then try to imagine them realizing they were wrong about you.

At first, Tiny looks wounded. But then he stares them down as the music starts to swell. He’ll be singing this one to them, until
the chorus comes in. Then he’ll be playing to the audience, until the final turn.

[“THE SIZE OF THE PACKAGE”]

TINY:

What, you think you know me?

Nothing funnier than the fat boy.

What, you think you got this?

Who am I to even think of love?

This part’s the disco windup. The Jennifer Holliday/Hudson swell. The chorus comes onto the stage to back Tiny up.

Well, your love’s the empty calorie here.

You say I’m so huge but you don’t see me at all.

So wipe those smirks from each one of your

faces—

’cause I know I’m big-boned and beautiful in

all the right places.

TINY AND CHORUS
(
in full disco tilt
):

It’s not the size of the package,

it’s the size of the soul.

It’s not the body you have,

it’s the life as a whole.

It’s not the size of the package,

the moves make the man.

It’s not the weight of the words,

it’s that you say what you can.

TINY:

I was once a little boy—

oh no, I was never a little boy!

I have always lived large

and in charge.

And if you can’t carry that

I’m going to drop right out of your life!

TINY AND CHORUS:

It’s not the size of the package,

it’s the size of the thrill.

It’s not the tip of the scale,

it’s the lift of the will.

It’s not the size of the package

that’s the source of your pride.

It’s not the stretch of the belly,

it’s the fire inside.

TINY:

I was once a little boy—

oh no, I was never a little boy!

I have always lived large

and in charge.

And if you can’t carry that

I’m going to drop right out of your life!

A fun dance interlude follows—fat boy dancing ha ha ha—although please be sure Tiny maintains his dignity throughout. As it’s happening, he realizes the exes are watching. And as much as he wants to win them over . . . he’s not winning them over. The last refrain is less assured than before. The chorus, fading into the background, keeps looking at the exes.

TINY AND CHORUS:

It’s not the size of the package,

it’s the size of the heart.

It’s not the body you see—

Tiny stops at the third line, looking at the exes. #3 and #16 are laughing at him. #12 looks embarrassed to have seen what he’s just seen.

TINY

(
plaintive now, to the exes, the tempo slowed considerably
):

What, you think you know me?

Nothing funnier than the fat boy.

What, you think you got this?

Who am I to even think of love?

That last line should linger through the theater. People should understand what the exes’ laughter means to Tiny. Even if he’s proud, he’s not invulnerable to doubt. If you think one musical number gets rid of all his insecurities, think again. He knows what’s right and what’s wrong. But he doesn’t feel it yet. And while it’s great to know the right words, in order for them to become your truth, you have to feel them, too.

Fade to black.

While Tiny changes costumes very quickly, Phil Wrayson comes onto the stage.

PHIL WRAYSON:

I am not proud of the fact that Tiny’s fourth ex-boyfriend was my fault. And I would like to publicly apologize to Tiny for everything that happened.

TINY
(
offstage
):

Apology accepted!

PHIL WRAYSON:

It was my cousin. Well, not really my cousin. But my mother’s sister’s best friend from college’s son who was in town for three days. So, cousin-ish. Maybe not even first cousin-ish. Second cousin-ish. Like, if I were King of Illinois and I died, this guy would be something like three hundred ninety-fifth in line for the throne.

TINY
(
offstage
):

You’ve made your point! Now get to the good part!

PHIL WRAYSON:

The good part is that for two of the three days he was here, this guy dated Tiny Cooper.

TINY
(
offstage
):

Now get to the bad part!

PHIL WRAYSON:

The bad part is that this guy only dated Tiny Cooper because he was bored out of his skull staying with us, and when he was given the choice of going out on two dates with Tiny Cooper or staying in and playing Scrabble with me and my parents, he chose to go on the dates with Tiny Cooper. Tiny did not know this at the time.

TINY
(
offstage
):

I thought it was love!

PHIL WRAYSON:

He thought it was love. When, in fact, it was like three hundred ninety-fifth in line for love. When it was time for this guy to go, he didn’t even ask for Tiny’s e-mail address or phone number or mailing address. In the intervening year and a half, we’ve all forgotten his name.

TINY
(
offstage
):

It was Octavio!

PHIL WRAYSON
(
to audience
):

It was not Octavio.

TINY
(
offstage
):

It’s Octavio if I want it to be!

PHIL WRAYSON
(
to Tiny offstage
):

Is that even a name?!?

TINY
(
offstage
):

 . . . (
stubborn silence
)

PHIL WRAYSON
(
to audience
):

For the purpose of this play, he shall be known as Octavio. Octavio, please come out here and take a bow. Let’s hear it for Octavio!

Phil Wrayson starts clapping. This hopefully leads the audience to start clapping. It becomes a little awkward. Ex-boyfriend #4 does not show up.

TINY
(
offstage
):

He’s already left!

PHIL WRAYSON:

This seems somehow fitting. Shall we move on to Ex-boyfriend #5?

Ex-boyfriend #5 appears onstage. Like many of the boys Tiny’s attracted to, he’s an actor. (If that last sentence raised a big red flag for you, that means you’ve tried to date an actor.) Now, it could certainly be said that I’ve spent a good portion of my days going through life like it’s my own musical. But I think that’s okay, since it’s my own musical.
JIMMY
, on the other hand, tended to think he was at the center of his own Shakespearean play. He was pompous and pretentious and I still would have iambed his pentameter for five acts or more if he’d let me.

By dating actors, you think they’ll let you in on the act. Most of the time, though, there’s only five stages of grief to be found.

But not yet! This is a sweet scene. Because it really was a sweet thing, while it lasted.

Three chairs are moved onto the stage, to simulate movie theater seats.

PHIL WRAYSON:

I’ll see you all later.

Tiny comes bounding onstage in a new outfit, holding a movie theater bucket of popcorn.

JIMMY (EX-BOYFRIEND #5
):

Tiny! Over here!

TINY
(
clearly excited about a date
):

Hey!

JIMMY:

I hope these seats are good?

TINY:

Whenever I have a dream that takes place in a movie theater, if it’s a good dream, I am sitting in these exact seats.

They move to sit down, Tiny first. As he’s sitting down in his seat, he puts the bucket of popcorn on the seat next to him. Jimmy, thinking this means Tiny is going to keep it there, sits down in the seat next to it. Tiny realizes this too late, and keeps the bucket in between them.

JIMMY:

I’m so glad it’s summer. And I’m so glad we have a chance to hang out!

TINY:

Yeah! I mean, I went and saw you in
Othello
three times, and not once did I realize that you were—

JIMMY:

Queer as a flamingo in drag?

TINY:

Now,
that’s
acting.

We hear the start of a movie projector. They both go for popcorn at the same time. Their hands touch. There’s a brief charge, but then Jimmy pulls away.

JIMMY:

After you.

TINY:

No, after you.

JIMMY:

I insist.

Tiny takes a massive handful of popcorn. Then he realizes there’s no classy way of eating this. After Jimmy takes a more manageable portion, Tiny puts some back, to make his manageable, too.

This sets the tone for the number, which will be sung by a
MOVIE STAR
on the corner of the stage, in a spotlight and with a backdrop that should look like a movie screen. (Maybe, to make it clear, start by projecting the 9-8-7 test pattern on her like at the start of an old movie.) (Or him—the movie star can be whoever you want. For the movie, I’d like Anne Hathaway, but like in the
Twelfth Night
she did at Shakespeare in the Park, not her my-bad-haircut-killed-me performance in the
Les Miz
movie.)

As the movie star is singing, there should be elaborate romantic choreography between Jimmy and Tiny. At first, just flirtation over the popcorn. Some “accidental” hand touching. Some popcorn sharing—trying to throw it in each other’s mouth, etc. Some leaning. Finally, Jimmy moves the popcorn and takes the second seat. A kiss gets closer. At one point, Tiny goes in for it, but Jimmy’s just taken a mouthful of popcorn. It should be funny and sweet. The audience should forget that Jimmy is an ex. The audience should think there’s potential here. Because, of course, at the time Tiny wasn’t seeing Jimmy as a future ex. He was seeing Jimmy as a future.

[“CLOSE TO A KISS”]

MOVIE STAR:

The stage is set—

The lights are dim—

Just a gasp of distance

between you and him—

The last low word

has left your lips—

so it’s time to use them

to get your bliss . . .

Is there anything

better than this?

When you are close

so close

to a kiss?

One thought—

two minds

Two hearts—

one time . . .

The stage is set—

The lights are dim—

Just a gasp of distance

between you and him—

The last low word

has left your lips—

so it’s time to use them

to get your bliss . . .

Is there anything

better than this?

When you are close

so close

to a kiss?

Don’t take your time—

take his!

Because you are close

so close

to a kiss . . .

They kiss. It is Tiny’s first kiss. And Jimmy’s third.

It’s magical.

They pull apart. Then kiss again. And again.

The emotions rise in Tiny. He has to sing it.

TINY:

I like you!

Yes, you.

I really like you!

So much, too!

Yeah, it’s true—

I really, really like you.

I mean,

Really, really, really like you!

JIMMY
(
spoken
):

I like you, too. And time goes by.

TINY:

I like you I like you I like you

I like you!

I like you!

I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ike you!

JIMMY
(
spoken
):

I like you, too. But maybe just maybe . . .

TINY

(
getting really into it, not really hearing Jimmy
):

I liiiii-ike you.

Oh yes.

Oh really.

I like you so so so so much.

JIMMY
(
spoken
):

I like you, Tiny. But I’m not sure I like you in that

way.

TINY
(
spoken
):

What?

We lead directly into the next number . . .

[“YOU’RE WONDERFUL! I DON’T WANT TO DATE YOU!”]

JIMMY:

You’re wonderful!

I don’t want to date you!

You’re amazing!

I would much rather be your friend!

You’re special!

So why ruin it?

You’re fantastic!

I’m not really sure you’re my type!

TINY
(
spoken
):

What? Fantastic isn’t your type?

JIMMY:

You’re stupendous!

But I can’t take you seriously!

You’re incredible!

And it was bound to end eventually!

You’re the best!

And I don’t want to hurt you!

You’re remarkable!

But I can’t stay with you just because you want

me to!

TINY
(
spoken
):

This means no more kissing, right?

Jimmy leans in to kiss Tiny. But this time it’s on the cheek.

JIMMY:

You’re marvelous!

I don’t expect you’ll understand!

You’re delectable!

I know you’ll find another man!

And that other man can be

as wonderful to you

as you are to me!

Only he’ll feel the same

and it won’t be as lame

as me saying:

You’re wonderful!

But I can’t date you!

Jimmy exits.

TINY:

But I don’t want anyone else! (
to audience
) Or at least I thought I didn’t want anyone else. Then a few days passed. The Jimmy-sized hole in my life got smaller and smaller until I didn’t even feel it anymore.

I swore I would never date an actor again. Then I realized, um, I
am
an actor, so I had to hope that some other guy out there wasn’t swearing
he’d
never date an actor.

Mostly, I felt I had to widen the dating pool, because right now it was feeling pretty kiddie-sized. And even if I wasn’t quite ready to dive into the ocean of guys that was waiting for me after high school, I could at least find something of Olympic proportions.

Which is why I asked my parents to send me to drama camp.

I wanted my spring awakening, even if it was coming a season late. I wanted summer lovin’ that would happen so fast. I wanted to succeed at the business of love without really trying.

My mother sewed my name into all my underwear. But, really, it was another boy’s name I was ready to sew into my heart.

(
looks down at clothes
) I can’t possibly wear this to Camp Starstruck. I’ll be right back.

Tiny leaves the stage and changes into summer garb as Camp Starstruck is assembled on the stage in some manner by a variety of extremely enthusiastic musical-theater campers.