Hold On (12 page)

“I feel like a whale in this dress. I feel bloated and it’s too tight.” Marissa is
smart enough not to argue with me, even if she’s sincere that I look good in what
I’m wearing.

“And I don’t know what to wear. DeAngelo’s is nice. Julian is in a Dolce and Gabbana
suit and I’m sure they’ll be dressed up. I don’t want to look slutty or cheap or fat.”

Marissa laughs out loud. “Lex, get a grip. You never look slutty or cheap.” She reaches
around me. “Wear this. It looks great on you.” She hands me a black and white sleeveless,
floral print dress with shirred panels in the front and back. It has built-in shape
wear which is awesome.

I look at it on the hanger for a moment. I forgot about this dress. “Thank you, Mari.
Great idea! It’ll keep my stomach from bulging out.”

I yank a box down from the top of the closet and pull out a pair of black, leather
L.A.M.B classic pumps with a black and white striped pointed toe that matches the
shirring in the dress. I quickly change and look in the full length mirror.

“It looks good. Classy and stylish. It’s you. You may want to touch up your makeup
though.”

A quick look in the mirror shows me what she’s talking about. My eyeliner is smeared
from the unshed tears that keep threatening to come out.

I take a big gulp of wine and walk into the bathroom to freshen up. I redo my makeup,
brush my hair, and put some perfume on. I finish my wine and look at my watch. It’s
already almost seven and we really need to go seeing as we’re going all the way back
to the beach. This is kind of crazy; all the driving back and forth from the beach
to my house. I make a decision right then I’m going to take my own car and follow
him. He’s going to be upset but I want my car. I know I’ll end up spending the night
so I pack clothes for tomorrow to avoid another trip. I don’t pack for Tuesday night
so I have a reason to come home.

When I reappear, Julian is sitting in the living room talking to Jenna and Shannon.
Jenna is talking to him about Marco. I think she’s trying to figure out if Marco talked
to Julian about their night together. Julian doesn’t seem to have much to say which
means nothing. He’s not one to get into other people’s personal business. He stands
up when I walk in and looks relieved he can back out of that conversation.

“You look beautiful, Corazón.” His smile is genuine and warm and I can’t help but
smile back. My next words remove his smile.

“I’m following you and I’ll park at the hotel. I want my car. This is so ridiculous
for you to drive back and forth every five minutes.”

He scowls at me but remembers my friends are all in the room and doesn’t say anything.
He just nods his head and grabs my overnight bag. We say goodbye and walk out the
door.

I figured he’d say something when we walked out the door and I’m right. “You really
want to follow me? I think that’s ridiculous, that, and the fact you won’t just leave
stuff at my place. I wouldn’t have had to make all these trips if you’d just bring
stuff over and leave it. You have a ton of clothes and shoes, surely some can stay
at my place.”

“I don’t want to argue about this. I’m going to follow you and park at the hotel.
We need to go if we want to be there on time.”

I get in my car and shut the door while he looks at me. He shakes his head and gets
into his car. I follow him down to the beach and park in one of his spots at the hotel.
The restaurant is close enough to walk to and Julian takes my hand as we exit the
parking garage. “You really look beautiful. I’m proud to be with you.”

“I feel like I’m about to throw up, but thanks for the kind words.”

He stops and makes me face him. “Please don’t be nervous. My parents will love you.”

“You don’t know that. I told you I didn’t need this pressure today and you piled it
on.” I really am starting to feel more anxious as we get nearer the restaurant.

“I do know it. They’ll love you because I love you.”

He pulls me in close and hugs me. He doesn’t wait for me to tell him I love him. I
haven’t yet, and right now, in this quiet moment, the lack of reciprocity is so visible.
I want to tell him I love him because I do. I really do love him. But the words just
won’t come out. Once I say those words there will be no going back for me. I hug him
back and hope he knows how I feel. When I pull back he’s smiling at me and his eyes
are warm. “Just be you, mi amor.”

We walk the rest of the way hand in hand, but silently. We aren’t in the door two
minutes when I see Danny and a woman I assume is Julian’s mom, Marisol. I recognize
her from the pictures Julian showed me last week. They spot us too and walk over.
Julian’s mom has the same warm smile her boys do and it’s hard not to feel instantly
comfortable around her. That she gives me a real hug doesn’t hurt either. This is
one affectionate family.

Julian makes the introductions through a big smile. “Mami, this is Lexie Reed. Lexie,
this is my mom, Marisol.”

She takes my hands in hers. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Lexie. I’ve been trying
to get Julian to bring you over ever since he told me about you, but he seems to want
to keep you all to himself.” She looks at Julian and shakes her head a little.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Bauer. Julian has told me so much about you.”

“Por favor, Lexie, call me Marisol or Mari.”

I look at Julian and smile. That she shares the same nickname as my BFF is a good
sign.

Danny reaches in and gives me a hug too. He whispers in my ear, “You mad at me?”

“Why?”

“Lauren.”

I look at Julian and then at Danny. “Not my business.” He smiles and nods.

The hostess is about to show us to our table when four men walk in the restaurant
behind us. One glance and I know it’s Julian’s dad, Antonio Bauer. He’s what I imagine
Julian will look like in twenty-five years. He’s very handsome, very tall, and a bit
imposing. He also seems to be a little drunk. He’s pretty loud and he looks a bit
disheveled. I notice it right away and so do Julian and Danny. I watch as the happy
expression on Julian’s face disappears. Antonio walks right up to me and grabs my
hands and kisses me on the cheek. The kiss lasts longer than it should and I can smell
the whiskey on his breath. It makes my stomach roll. My feelings of ease disappear
when I look into his eyes.

“Y tu eres Alexa, the girl Julian can’t stay away from?” He winks at me and then turns
to Julian. “Hijo, ya veo porque, esta bella.” He tells Julian he thinks I am beautiful
and he says it in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It’s not said in a “fatherly”
way.

“Alexa speaks Spanish, Papi.” It’s Julian’s warning to his dad he needs to watch what
he says. His entire demeanor has changed and I’m looking at a different Julian from
the one who just introduced me to his mom. I turn to look at his mom and she looks,
well, disappointed. So does Danny. The three of them are giving each other looks I
can’t decipher, but it’s obvious the mood has changed. I feel bad for them. I know
Julian and he never would’ve asked me to join this dinner if he thought his dad would
be drunk and acting creepy.

I keep my composure despite my discomfort and instant dislike for this man. “It’s
nice to meet you, Mr. Bauer.”

He smiles at me, looks me up and down in a way that makes my skin crawl, and doesn’t
tell me it’s okay to call him Antonio. I’m so getting the whole dynamic between Julian
and his dad and it’s only been a few minutes.

The other gentlemen introduce themselves as we walk to our table. It seems they’ve
had a few drinks as well and I wonder where they were before they showed up here.
When we sit down, Julian guides me to a seat next to his mom and Danny on the opposite
side of the table from his dad. He’s putting himself as a buffer between his dad and
me. This is so awkward.

The rest of the meal is awkward. I talk with his mom and Danny, and enjoy a fantastic
sea bass dish and some nice wine. When Julian is turned to talk to us, he tries to
be happy, but he’s faking it. He’s so tense. I can see it in his eyes and his posture.
I get dragged into a few conversations about W&M and my job, but Julian tries to keep
me separate. I watch as his dad has a few more drinks and gets louder and more effusive
with his words. The whole night is ruined because Julian understandably feels the
need to control the situation.

So while one side of the table is a little surreal, the other is so normal. Julian’s
mom is lovely and we get along great. She compliments me on my shoes and we spend
the next fifteen minutes talking about designers we like. We talk about music, architecture,
and travelling and I can tell she’s a very intelligent, passionate, and interesting
woman. I see so much of Julian in her and it’s obvious why they’re close. I think
about how he told me she shut down when his sister died and I can see why that must’ve
been devastating for him. She’s vivacious and outgoing and by the end of the night
I feel like I’ve known her for years.

We wrap up the night around ten and when the other men ask Julian if he wants to grab
some after-dinner drinks, he declines, as does Danny. His dad doesn’t and agrees to
keep the night going. I watch Julian stifle his response. Antonio walked in drunk
and hasn’t stopped. The strangest thing is while Julian is about to blow a gasket,
Marisol doesn’t seem affected by it. When she sees me looking back and forth between
Julian and Antonio, with a questioning look on my face, she finally says something.

“Losing a child does un-repairable damage to a parent, Lexie. We all deal with it
in our own way. Drinking is his way. The boys, especially Julian, don’t deal with
it well. It doesn’t mean anything. He loves us. He just has a lot of pain.”

I just nod because what the hell else am I supposed to say. I can’t exactly comment
that Isabelle died ten years ago and he really should have his shit together by now.
I’m also taken aback by her comments. Until that comment I found her to be so strong,
so poised and so, I don’t know, together. That comment just changed everything for
me. I know a little something about pain and about being an enabler. So much is clearer
to me now. No wonder Julian feels the need to keep everything together all of the
time. It’s why he needs the control.

We all walk to the door together, and I for one am ready to leave this place. Marisol
hugs me and tells me she hopes to see me again soon. I say goodbye to their business
associates and hug Danny. I try to shake Antonio’s hand but he pulls me in for a hug
instead. He hugs me tightly and presses my breasts hard against his chest. The pungent
smell of whiskey is wafting into my nostrils. I try and pull back and he squeezes
harder. It fucking freaks me out and sends me right back to another place and another
time. Julian, who’s standing in front of me watching, sees the look in my eyes, puts
his hand on his dad’s shoulder, and basically pries him off of me. He quickly says
his goodbyes, grabs my shaking hand and walks me out as fast as he can.

When we’re out of sight, he stops and forces me to look at him. “I’m so sorry. I never,
in a million years, thought my dad would behave like that tonight, in front of you,
with you. I know he made you very uncomfortable and I’m so sorry, baby.”

“I know that. I’m okay.” What a liar. I’m so not okay.

My heart is still beating fast and I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down.
I downplay it because it’s his father we’re talking about. Tears threaten to fall
and I try to stop them before Julian feels worse. He didn’t do this and I’m not going
to blame him. He kisses me softly and pulls me close. His embrace is soothing and
I feel safe in his arms. We walk the short distance to the hotel with his arm wrapped
around me. He’s quiet and when I ask him if he wants to talk about it he says no.
I’m glad because I don’t want to talk about it either.

We get back to the Bellavista around ten-thirty and get ready for bed. Julian doesn’t
initiate any sexual contact between us and I’m not surprised. There’s a lot not being
said right now and the air around us is thick with questions. An uneasy shadow has
been cast on this night and as I snuggle into Julian’s arms and go to sleep, I can’t
shake the disquieting feeling in my soul.

The pressure on my chest is overwhelming and I can’t breathe. It’s dark and I can’t
see what it is. I need to pull it off, but I don’t know what “it” is. I try and move
my hands and my arms but they’re pinned to my sides by yet another invisible restraint.
I hear voices but they seem far away and I don’t recognize them. There’s more than
one and they’re blending together to make a humming sound that keeps getting louder
and louder. The feeling that I’m in eminent danger spreads through my entire body
and no matter how hard I try to move, I can’t. My calls for help start in the back
of my throat and no matter how loud I try to scream, all I can hear is my voice as
a whisper. I feel desperate and trapped and completely paralyzed by my inability to
help myself. I grow tired because I’m struggling to break free and I have to lie quietly
and try to hide from whatever is coming to get me until I get my strength back.

The noises fade for what seems like hours and then start to pick up tempo again. This
time they’re closer and I can feel their breath on my face. I can smell whiskey and
I can hear my name being repeated over and over again. It’s no mistake. This is about
me. Fueled by the sheer terror that overtakes my body, I summon every ounce of my
strength and willpower and beg my body to move, to run. I lunge forward into a sitting
position and swing my arms wildly in the dark. I’m clawing and scratching and trying
to figure out a way to escape. It isn’t until I make contact with something hard that
I know for sure I’m not alone. My voice finds its power and I’m able to push the words
out. It’s the same word over and over again, “Stop!” I continue to scream as I get
to my feet in preparation to run.

All of a sudden the darkness turns to a bright light and I have to shut my eyes to
keep my balance. I move forward and run into something hard. I swing out to clear
my way and feel fingers around my wrist. The same motion is repeated on the other
side and I’m completely restrained again.