Home Ice (31 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

One Last Time

At the hospital, Gram’s diagnosis was grim.

“Her age is a prominent factor, Miss Monroe,” the doctor said, emotion void from his voice. “Her body is in the early stages of shutting down. Really, the only thing we can do for her here is keep her comfortable. She has expressed that she would like to live out her final days at home.”

Ally squeezed her eyes shut at the word
final
.

“I’m prepared to release her into your care.”

“Yes,” Ally said. “She’ll be more comfortable at home in her own bed. If…if there isn’t anything more you can do for her here.”

“I’m afraid not,” he said, his lips flattened into a thin line. “I’ll get started on the paperwork for her release.”

The doctor disappeared around the corner and Ally stood paralyzed in front of Gram’s hospital room.

It was the same thing the medical staff had kept telling her. “The important thing is to keep her comfortable.”

Why do they keep saying that?
Ally screamed in her head.
It’s not like I’ve been causing her discomfort to her all this time. I’ve done everything I could for her!

“I know.”

Ally snapped her head over to Izzy who was standing next to her. She had almost forgotten she was there.

“You’ve done nothing but keep her at ease.” Izzy unknowingly comforted Ally’s runaway thoughts.

Ally came to the conclusion that Izzy must be her angel at that particular moment in time. The tears started flowing as Ally looked at her friend’s ethereal face. In a clinch, she could count on Izzy to come through and say what she needed to hear most. Ally loved her for that. She squeezed Izzy’s hand and her eyes spoke the gratitude that her mouth couldn’t choke out.

Along with Gram’s release papers, the nurse gave Ally a pamphlet about what to expect in the last hours of life. Ally’s fingers touched the paper like it was on fire. She shoved the paperwork into her purse and wheeled Gram out into the sunshine. She still didn’t think it was a good idea, but Gram insisted on leaving the hospital.

“Here we go, Gram,” Ally croaked out the words. “We’re taking you home.”

After she got Gram settled and comfortable back at home, Ally thought back to the time after Gram’s stroke when she was finally able to bring her home from the hospital. Gram was week and fragile, but Ally tried hard to be strong and tackle her new responsibilities while Gram adjusted to her mobility restrictions. She had known it would be difficult, but they would get through it together. Somehow.

But now, Ally knew the end was drawing near. Gram had hung on as long as she could but she had reached the end of life’s path. Her poor body was shutting down and her clock was simply running out of time.

Ally closed her eyes and tried to block out her feeling of panic and worry. She focused on the sound of her own breathing and began to rely on her other senses. She could hear the clock ticking near the door. She could smell the faint scent of Gram’s hand cream by the bed. She ran her hands over the quilt on Gram’s bed and fingered the seams.

Ally took a deep breath, opened her eyes and went into the living room to look for something to do to stay occupied while Gram slept. Izzy was at work and Ruby had gone out to pick something up for dinner. On her way by the kitchen, Ally noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. She pressed play and Ben’s voice came through the little grey box.

“Ally, hi, it’s me. I’d really like to see you. I’ll be in town next week visiting the Lamberts and the new baby.” Ally had no idea that Laina had had the baby. She hadn’t stayed in touch with any of Ben’s friends. Those people were in an alternate universe from hers. “I’ll have a few hours before I fly back home.”

Home.

The word felt like a punch in the gut. Red Valley wasn’t his home anymore.

Ally brought the phone into her room and punched in Ben’s new number. Perhaps wishful thinking was why she hadn’t programmed it into the phone yet.

“Hey, baby!” He sounded excited to hear back from her.

“Hi.” The word came out sadder than she had intended.

“I miss you.” He sounded a million miles away. 1300 miles wasn’t so far off.

“We just got back from the hospital.”
Again
.

Soon, she was going to have to forward her mail. To either the hospital or Heartbreak Hotel.

“Is everything okay?” His voice changed from excitement to concern.

Ally silently cursed herself for always being the bearer of bad news.

“How’s Gram?”

“She’s tired and weak and…”
Dying
. “She’s resting now.” Comfortably.

“Do you need anything? What can I do?”

I need you to come back to me.
“No, I’m okay.” Ally put on a brave face that she knew he couldn’t see. “We’re just supposed to help keep her comfortable now.”
What can you do 1300 miles away, anyway?

“I’m sorry, Ally.”

Silence.

“I know,” she finally said. “Listen, I’m really tired and…I just wanted to let you know what was going on…” her voice clipped the words more than she intended.

“I understand. I’ll let you go.”

No.
I
let
you
go.

Damn. This inner monologue has got to stop.

“Goodnight. I love you.” He tried to will his love through the telephone wires.

“Goodnight.” She hung up the phone, hoping he didn’t notice that she didn’t return the sentiment.

* * *

Ally kept vigil in the chair she pulled up next to Gram’s bed. She wondered how many days she had left with the woman who raised her from a child. As the hours passed, Gram’s breathing became more labored and her words forced. Ally covered Gram’s hand with her own and Gram’s eyes fluttered open. Gram’s voice was a scratchy whisper.

“Allison, bring me my special box.”

For years, Gram had kept a box full of treasures. Inside were old love letters from her late husband Henry, and a few small trinkets. Two gold bands and a few cherished pieces of paper in a little wooden box. They were all the material things Gram needed in her life.

Ally retrieved the box from Gram’s night stand. She ran her fingers over the letters carved into the lid. K-A-Y. Ally carefully opened the box for her and managed a weak smile.

“Henry made this box for me before we got married. We were very young and very much in love.”

Ally had heard the story a thousand times, but took comfort in listening to Gram’s shaky voice tell her the love story one last time.

“It’s beautiful,” Ally said. She briefly thought about the wedding rings she had tucked back inside the box.

“I’ve kept his letters in here all these years. It’s all we knew before the internet came along. Oh, how I miss him. I miss my Henry.”

“Sshh, Gram. It’s okay,” Ally said through the tears.

You will get to see him soon.

“Allison.” Gram’s voice was a whisper and Ally had to lean in close to hear her. “I’m…so proud…of you. So proud.”

“Oh Gram. Thank you.”

“I love you, Allison.”

“I love you, too, Gram. Now close your eyes and go to sleep. You need your rest. I‘ll be right here.”

Ally didn’t want Gram to sleep. She wanted her to stay awake and talk to her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but she knew Gram was tired. The simple act of opening her eyes was exhausting. So, Ally let her sleep. She held the old woman’s hand in her own and took comfort in watching the rise and fall of her chest as she took each breath.

Then, Ally leaned over and rested her head next to Gram’s arm on the bed. She couldn’t remember the last time she had slept. It must have been the night before the day they all spent at the hospital. Or was it the night before that? She felt her heavy eyelids close, but before she could drift off to sleep Ruby came into the room.

“Ally, honey, why don’t you take a nap in your room?” Ruby whispered. “Gram’s little bed isn’t big enough for the two of you and leaning over in that chair can’t be comfortable.”

“Are you sure, Ruby? I don’t want to leave her.”

“I’ll take over in here and keep an eye on her. You go get some sleep.”

“Okay.” It was hard to argue when the sandman was already pulling Ally to her room.

From the moment her head hit the pillow until three hours later, Ally slept soundly. She dreamt of when she was a little girl and Gram and Grandpa Henry would take her to August Lake Dam. They had been so happy with smiles on their faces and laughs on their lips. And then Ben was there and Ally swatted away his marriage proposal with her lollipop.

When she finally woke up and got out of bed, the house seemed extra quiet. She stretched her arms over her head and looked down the hall. Ruby and Izzy were huddled together in the living room. Ally looked over at Gram’s room and the door was closed. She looked back at Ruby and Izzy. Izzy looked back at her with wide, swollen bloodshot eyes. That was when Ally knew. She didn’t need to look into Gram’s room to know.

Gram was gone.

* * *

Ally’s entire life was torn from her in a matter of heartbeats. She sobbed and clung to Ruby and Izzy as Gram was taken away to the mortuary.

Ally didn’t know how much time had past, she had no concept of time anymore, but some time that night, Ben was on the phone. Izzy must have called him.

“Ally, its Ben. I heard about Gram and I’m so, so sorry. Are you doing okay?”

“She’s gone, Ben,” Ally choked on her words as the tears flooded in. She had been crying all afternoon. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time when she
wasn’t
crying. She didn’t know how there could be any tears left, but the faucet kept on pouring out more.

“Oh, baby. I can be on a plane first thing tomorrow morning. I’m so sorry I can’t be there right now.” He wanted to reach through the phone to comfort her and hold her together as she broke apart on the other end of the line. But he couldn’t. All he could give were words.

Ally started sobbing uncontrollably and had to hand the phone off to Izzy. Izzy watched her as she trudged down the hall and into her room where she fell head first onto her pillow, wetting it with her steady stream of tears.

“Hello?” Ben asked helplessly into the phone.

“Ben, it’s me,” Izzy answered.

“Izzy, is she okay?” He was beside himself with frustration and grief and helplessness.
Damn It! I should be there for her right now!

There was nothing he could do from this far away.

“No, Ben. She’s not.” Izzy took the phone into the living room away from Ally’s gut wrenching sobs. “Gram was her life and now she’s gone. And to make matters worse you’re gone, too.”

He should have expected the guilt trip, but it hit him right upside the head anyway.

“God, Izzy, I--”

“I know Ben. We all know you had to do it, but this is just a really shitty situation and bad timing. She feels completely alone right now.”

“Stay with her, will you? She shouldn’t be by herself.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

“Thank you. For taking care of her.”

“I’ve got it covered for now. But…she…she needs
you
, Ben. This isn’t something I can smooth over with a tub of ice cream and a trip to the spa.”
Like I tried after you left her
.

“I’m on the next flight out. Izzy, I’m sorry. Gram was--”

Izzy cut in and didn‘t let him finish. “Gram was family. She was the greatest lady I ever met.” Her strong voice cracked. “We live in a fucked-up world where the best people can just be plucked away from us in the blink of an eye. Ally is never going to be the same.”

Ben sighed. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Tell her that I’m coming. I‘ll be there.”
By God, if I have to move heaven and earth I’ll be there.

“Okay, Ben. I’ll tell her.”

Izzy hung the phone up in its cradle and took a deep breath before going back down the hall. She wondered how she was supposed to comfort Ally when her own heart was grieving for the woman they all loved.

* * *

Manzanita bushes clung to the side of the red clay mountain road as Ally drove to their secret meeting spot at the vista point. Once she parked near the dam, she sat and let the numbness wash over her. She was used to everything in her life being neat and tidy and managed by a schedule. Now everything had changed over the course of the summer. She had nowhere to be and no specific time to be there.

She looked around and saw two crows fly in and land on a nearby log. They stood looking into the distance and then squawked and fluttered away leaving Ally alone again. She shouldn’t have come here. The Red Fir trees offered no answers, they just stared back at her with their blistered bark. This was her and Ben’s special place. And right now Ben was in a different city, in a different state.