Hopeless For You (23 page)

"He's awake," I said bitterly. Before she could ask any more questions, I hurried out of the building. My first instinct was to go back to my room and start packing. But I wasn't going to let some foolish boy ruin my internship.

So instead I walked to the aviary clinic. I'd only been there once, but something about the barnyard smell and bright lights soothed me. The sharp call of a disgruntled bird caught my attention.

I made my way through the rows of cages to the far end of the aviary where Sadie hunched over a tabletop and cared for a sedated falcon. The falcon's feet were bound and its left wing was clipped to the table. A muzzle wrapped its beak.

Sadie was unwinding the bandage that secured the right wing to its body.

The punk rock girl glanced at me and smiled. As usual, she wore a tank top, all the better to expose her tattoos. I felt a stab of jealousy, even though I knew Kade had probably never slept with her. She was definitely his type, though. I was too all-American, I realized that now.

"Nice to see you, Ash," Sadie said. "Mind helping me for a sec? I need an extra pair of hands."

When Sadie finished unwrapping the falcon, she extended the bony right wing, which was missing most of its feathers. I held the wing while she clipped it to the tabletop. Sadie retrieved a magnifying glass and began examining the down feathers.

"Just making sure they're growing back properly," she said.

"Is that Jessica?"

"It is. Beautiful girl, isn't she?" Sadie gently massaged the down feathers beneath the splint. "They seem to be growing in the proper direction and I don't see any ingrowns. Want to take a look?"

I accepted the magnifying glass and studied the down feathers closely, looking for any abnormalities. Not that I had any idea what abnormal looked like.

We unclipped the wing and rewrapped it to the body. Then Sadie returned Jessica to the isolation cage, setting her down in the far corner. "We had to do surgery to pin the bones back in place. We'll move her to one of the bigger cages once she heals up so she can get proper exercise. She's young, so she has a good chance at a full recovery. I just hope she doesn't have a nest full of eggs out there. I'd hate to leave them to the proverbial wolves."

Wolves. In that moment, I remembered the amber eyes of one wolf in particular. At the time, I thought it had been Devon returned from the dead and trying to protect me and Kade. I'd dismissed those thoughts as crazy but on reflection, I wondered if maybe Devon had had a hand in it after all
—he might have been using the wolves to
warn
me.

I wrapped my fingers around the ring that hung beneath my shirt and
I felt guilty for betraying the one man who'd remained true to me till the end.

Sadie washed and dried her hands. "So, would you like to help out here the rest of the day? There's plenty to do."

With Kade gone, I needed someone else to apprentice with. I hadn't initially intended to intern with Sadie but now it seemed like a brilliant option. I flashed her a bright smile. "Yup. Just tell me what to do."

In the coming days, Kade called a few times to talk with Momma Jeanne or Blaine, but he never asked for me. I didn't call him, either. I wasn't sure what I would've
said. Cry and beg him to come back to me? Yell and call him a jerk? If I kept myself busy enough, I didn't think about him much. But I couldn't forget him. Not completely. He was always there at the back of my mind, and it only took a small thing for him to come rushing back to the forefront—his name mentioned in passing, the brush of my fingers on my lips. And then I'd miss him all over again. I yearned for the touch of his arms around me and the feel of his body inside me but most of all, I just wanted to see that secret smile of his, the one he reserved just for me.

Gina didn't really talk about what was going on between her and Blaine, but things were good between them again
—it was hard not to notice her sneaking back to the room every second night or so with a big smile on her face. I was a little worried they'd get caught, though I have to admit they were the model of professional behavior during the day. I hoped things worked out between them, I really did. I only wished Kade and I could've had something similar.

One morning, roughly a week into my new start as an intern, I was washing dishes with Momma Jeanne in the second dorm. We'd grown pretty close, she and I. Momma Jeanne was a woman of few words, but when she did speak, everyone listened.

"You miss him, don't you?" Momma Jeanne said from way out in left field.

I paused, dripping dish held in hand. I didn't look at her. Didn't say a word.

"Thought so," Momma Jeanne said.

I focused on the dish I'd been washing, and started to scrub the copper border.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of," Momma Jeanne said. "He did you wrong. If you want, I'll see that he never works here again."

I froze again. First Gina, now her. Did
everyone
know? "No," I said. "I don't want that. Kicking Kade out of here would be the worst thing you could do to him. It would destroy him."

She regarded me earnestly. "Doesn't he deserve that for what he did to you?"

I bit my lower lip. "I'm not so sure about that. I felt so alive with Kade. So darn alive. He hurt me, yes, but he showed me I could love again. And I'd rather know I can love than live my life the way I did before, even if the knowing scarred me. Kade hurt me, but he saved me, too. Sure, I was safe before, and sheltered, but I wasn't alive. Not really. I was one of the living dead. Scared of ever loving again. Do you know what I mean?"

"Unfortunately, I do." She laid a hand on my shoulder. "Whatever happened between you two, keep in mind that he's been hurt, too, and all he can do now is hurt others in return. He doesn't mean to. It's just the way he is. Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever heal."

I set the dish aside. Its copper border was shinier than it had ever been. "I think he will, someday. And when he does, he's going to make one special girl very happy."

I just wish that girl could've been me.

There was something about Momma Jeanne that had been bothering me all this time, and what she said just now reminded me of it. There was a shadow to her, a dark side. I'd never had the courage to ask her before but since she knew all my secrets now, about Devon and now Kade, I felt this was something I deserved to know. "When we first met, you told me you were running away from something when you left Alabama. What?"

She paused to look at me with a considering expression. Just when I thought she wasn't going to tell me, she spoke.

"I was in an abusive relationship, darling."

I just stared at her. My mouth was wide open. "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

"Nothing to be sorry about, hun." She was looking at me, but her gaze went right through me as it often did when she recounted the past. "That relationship broke me, it did. I couldn't be with anyone else. Not ever again. I tried. Gosh darn, I did. Ran north, state by state, until I hit Canada. Years went by, but no matter where I went, I couldn't escape my past. In Vancouver, I met the sweetest boy. He waited longer than anyone else, longer than anyone could reasonably be expected to wait. He even defended me when my abusive ex showed up announced. But in the end, I just couldn't give myself to him." Momma Jeanne pressed her lips together and shook her head. Her eyes were glistening. "I'll always regret giving him up. Not a day passes where I don't think about his easy smile, or the special glint he had in eyes just for me."

My heart went out to her. "Oh, Momma." I gave her a hug. A
tight
hug. Both of our hands were dripping wet from the dishes but we barely noticed. Our faces were wet, too.

When we broke apart I spotted Blaine walking in the hall outside. I wondered how much he'd overheard.

I quickly wiped my face, but he walked on past and ducked into the room I knew was assigned to Kade. A few minutes later he came out with a packed duffel bag and tossed it onto the kitchen floor.

He gave us a polite nod. "Morning, ladies." Blaine poured himself a steaming mug of coffee and leaned against the doorframe. He was acting like he hadn't heard a thing. Maybe he hadn't.

"Don should be here in a few minutes," Blaine continued. "He's taking me down to Vancouver for the weekend to help Kade get moved back to the apartment."

"They're releasing him?" Despite everything that had happened, I found myself perking up a little, eager for news on Kade.

Blaine nodded. "Yeah. Apparently they got tired of his constant bitching." He chuckled. "He doesn't know it yet but his little brother is going to be staying at the apartment with him. A little arrangement I set up."

Momma Jeanne snorted. "Kade's not going to be very happy about that." She was already back to her ebullient self. Some people were really good at burying their pain. I wished I was one of them.

Blaine smiled ironically. "Ah, yes. Brotherly love."

Momma Jeanne washed another dish. "Suppose he needs a little kick in the pants now and then to be reminded of the importance of family. Among other things." She gave me a knowing look.

"True enough," Blaine said. "Anyway, it can't be helped. I'm busy here and I don't want him alone while he's recovering—he can barely get to the bathroom on his own, much less to his physical therapy sessions. You've seen the pictures of his brace, right? Tearing the ligaments in your knee isn't a fun thing. At least his concussion wasn't anything serious." I had the impression Blaine said most of that for my benefit because I hadn't asked anyone how Kade was doing, not after that phone call.

Momma Jeanne nodded. "Poor kid."

Yes, poor Kade. Despite everything, my heart went out to him. He could hardly walk, and needed someone to help him to the bathroom. Even so, I felt angry and more than a little jealous that he'd kept in touch with everyone except me. Though I guess the lack of contact was as much my fault as his.

I glanced between Momma Jeanne and Blaine. "Wait a second. What does he have against his brother?"

Momma Jeanne frowned. "Nothing and everything. Jed's a real sweet kid. Great student, does everything his parents ask—but there's your problem right there."

"I don't understand."

Blaine answered for her. "Sometimes Kade feels like he's living in his younger brother's shadow. That he'll never be good enough, at least in his parents' eyes."

Momma Jeanne nodded, then beckoned toward the hall. "Best not to keep Don waiting, Blaine. I'll see you out."

After they left, I finished washing and drying the dishes on my own. This brother of Kade's sounded exactly like me, unfortunately. Maybe that's why Kade had changed his mind about me. Was he afraid of living in my shadow?

No. I wasn't going to do this. I was through second-guessing every single one of his actions and motives, and my own.

It was over. Kade and I had nothing.

I felt the tears coming but I fought them for all I was worth. Everyone always called me strong but deep inside I was weak.

Why did Kade have to do this to me? Why?

In the distance, I heard the sound of the small plane taking off. Blaine would be in Vancouver after a couple of hours. With Kade.

I felt my heart hardening.

Kade
.

He'd shown me I could love again. He'd set me free.

And then he'd left me.

I told Momma Jeanne that I was better off than I was before, and it was true.

I just wished it didn't hurt so much.

I grinned from ear to ear when Blaine walked into the hospital room. I was totally itching to get out of this place.

"Incoming!" Blaine said.

I barely managed to catch the duffel bag he chucked at my head. I glared at him for a second but I couldn't be too pissed, not when he brought my stuff all this way. I practically ripped the bag open, pawing out a set of real clothes to replace the itchy, paper-thin hospital gown I'd been stuck inside since I woke up.

Blaine sat down. "It's good to see your ugly face, Kade."

I stripped off the gown, grunting in reply.

Blaine chuckled. "Bro, seriously, you look like crap on a stick."

"You would, too, if you spent the last week in the hospital." I worried that my muscles had atrophied worse than I thought but glancing down I saw things weren't too bad. My eight-pack had become a six-pack, though. Lying around all day eating hospital food was definitely not good for the abs.

I dragged a shirt over my head and joked, "Is everything falling apart without me at the center?"

"Surprisingly, no. Things are grinding along as normal, if far less interesting without you around. By the way, I've been smoking an extra cigarette each night in your honor."

"Great. Thanks. I knew I could count on you, champ. And I'm glad to hear you're smoking again. You just needed a little time and the proper motivation."

"Sure, Kade."

I hadn't been allowed to smoke during my recovery here, not even outside, so I made it my first priority to bum a cigarette off Blaine when we were out of here.

I started dragging on the pair of sweatpants from the duffel bag. Blaine looked away and pretended not to notice the effort it took me. I made small, pained noises—if I moved too much or too fast, my leg hurt. Damn ligaments inside my dislocated knee were going to take a long time to heal.

I grumbled under my breath and finally managed to dress myself. I hated feeling like an invalid.

"You signed the release forms already?" Blaine said.

"Couldn't do it fast enough." I hopped toward the bedside table, nearly falling along the way.

Blaine shook his head. "Do I need to get you a wheelchair or something?"

"Like hell. I may be slow as fuck but I can get around on my own. Why? I got these." I picked up the crutches from the table and shoved them under my armpits. The crutches had padding on top but still hurt my underarms pretty bad. Ah, well, I just had to grin and bear it.

Slowly, we made our way out of the hospital and down to the parkade. Thank God for elevators. I wasn't supposed to put any pressure on the knee, even with crutches, so with each step I kind of swung my foot forward, using the crutches as my second 'legs.'

When we finally reached the Jeep, I plunked myself heavily into the passenger side and set the crutches down. Blaine lit me a cigarette and I was in heaven. I leaned on the headrest and sighed, feeling like I was out of prison or something.

"So, come on, how is everyone?" I took a long drag.

Blaine glanced at me. There was a knowing glint in his eyes
—he knew what I was really asking. He hadn't been my friend for the past three years for nothing. "Momma Jeanne and Sadie have been keeping Ash busy. Hate to say it but she's a wreck. Tries pretty hard not to show it, though. Tell me something—what happened between you two out there?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. I didn't really know what had happened myself. "Nothing. I treated her the way I treat everyone else. I didn't touch her." I was muttering now and I knew that was bad. I always muttered when I lied.

"Oh." He knew. Damn him, but Blaine knew.

I stared down at the floor mats. "She's incredible, Blaine. She's strong and amazingly gorgeous but everything's different when you're alone and scared. I have no idea how she'd see me now."

"If you're not sure, why don't you ask her?" He glanced at me but I didn't answer. "What the hell did you say when she called you? She was all concerned about you when you were doped up and unconscious. Gina practically had to drag her from your bedside. But then after she called, everything changed. She never talked about you and whenever someone said your name, her eyes would light up but then go dark. You shut her out, didn't you? Something you've gotten extremely good at."

I nodded miserably. "I had to. It was only a matter of time before one of us got
hurt. Better that she goes home and forgets about me. She'll find someone better in Tennessee, some doctor or something."

"Do you honestly believe that?"

"I— I don't know."

"If there was anything between the two of you, you owe it to yourself to try again. Hell, would you really be able to live with yourself if you let her get away without even trying? Don't piss away this chance, Kade. I remember how miserable you were last winter."

I didn't reply, letting the silence grow so uncomfortable that Blaine finally tsked aloud and turned on the radio. The National's "I Need My Girl" was playing. How appropriate. I almost changed the station but I forced myself to listen to those lyrics, forced myself to tear my heart out. I deserved this for letting her go.

Blaine finally arrived at our apartment building and shut off the radio. Neither of us broke the contemplative silence that followed.

Throughout the summer we kept the apartment rented in our name because it was hard to find a good place at a decent price in Vancouver. We usually sublet our place to a friend of mine from the bar but he was backpacking across Europe this year. We'd decided to take the hit rather than rent it out to some deadbeat. The fact that the three-story building didn't have an elevator never bothered me before. Unfortunately, our apartment was on the third floor—when you had a pair of crutches, three flights of stairs might as well be an eternity.

I conceded to letting Blaine help me up the stairs. It was a slow, agonizing process, and I was completely wiped by the time we reached our floor. I leaned against
the wall while Blaine fumbled for the key, then I staggered inside using the crutch-walk I'd learned.

My room was in as much of a mess as I'd left it, with a blanket kicked to the bottom of the bed, the clothes I'd worn the day before leaving scattered on the carpet, a box of cigarettes on the nightstand.

It smelled a little musty in there so I made my way to the window and shoved it open.

"Here." Blaine stood in the doorway. Apparently he'd
already gone back to the Jeep to fetch my old, beaten backpack. It was still spattered with mud in places from my adventure in the woods. He came in and set it down at the foot of my bed. "Chuck your dirty clothes by the door and I'll run a load of laundry. I'm only here for tonight so take advantage of my maid service while you can."

"Thanks, Mom," I drawled, though I admit I was grateful. I wasn't sure what I'd do when he was gone. Navigating the stairs on my own to buy groceries and visit the therapy sessions was going to be a bitch.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and hauled the backpack up. It felt heavier than I remembered. Holy atrophy, batman, had I really lost so much muscle? Straining, I dropped the backpack onto the sheets beside me.

I opened the bag. The rough carving I'd started while stranded in the woods with Ash was on top, and beside it lay my pocketknife. I was wondering where those had gone. The carving didn't look like much right now but I could still see the shape in the wood I'd been trying to bring out.

There was a sharp buzz on the intercom just then and I heard Blaine beep someone in. I grabbed my crutches and hoisted myself back up, muttering a profanity under my breath as the things chafed my armpits.

"Who's that?" I asked Blaine when I reached the hall. I was worried for a second that it might be my mom or my dad. Not that they'd ever come here.

Blaine glanced over his shoulder. He had a sneaky look in his eyes. "Your babysitter."

A knock echoed in the hall and Blaine opened the door, ushering someone inside.

I met a pair of green eyes all too similar to my own and my mood darkened.

"No way in hell," I snapped.

"Nice to see you too, Kade." It was the slightly taller, slimmer version of me—my younger brother Jed. The clean-cut kid my parents loved. "I'm looking forward to taking care of you for the next five weeks."

I stared at Blaine accusingly. "This is your idea, isn't it? Why the hell would you ask him to do this?"

Blaine crossed his arms. "Because
you'd
never ask him."

"Great, just what I need," I said. "Blaine and my golden fucking brother swooping in to save the day. Forget it. Just forget it. I am
not
letting my little brother take care of me. Jed, I love working out with you in the winter and all that but having you treat me like a cripple, like Mom and Dad basically do already? No thanks."

I ignored Blaine's brutal glare, ducked back into my room and
slammed the door behind me. It was humiliating enough for Blaine to see me this way, but Jed, too? The perfect brother? Forget it.

Through the thin walls, I could hear their voices but I couldn't make out the actual
words. I sat down heavily on the end of the bed and ripped into my backpack, angrily chucking the dirty clothes at the door. Blaine wanted to do my laundry, did he? I tore the comforter off my bed, then the top sheet and tossed those at the door, too.

I didn't want my family coming back into my life. I was fine. I didn't need their help or anyone else's. Just like I hadn't needed Ash's help out there in the woods.

Ash.

I saw her in my mind and I felt suddenly lost and heartbroken. I was lying to myself, of course. I
had
needed her help out there. I just didn't like relying on other people. I downright hated it.

I thought about the last time me and Ash had spoken. I'd been so damn cold to her. I told myself it was for the better. I knew it wouldn't take long for her to grow disillusioned with me, anyway, so I just made it happen a little sooner. Besides, I didn't want to risk losing my job over her. And I didn't want her to lose the internship.

At least that was what I told myself.

Shit.

I grabbed the wooden carving. I studied the piece carefully, envisioning what I'd wanted, and then fetched my backup kit of woodworking tools from the desk. Up until this moment I was never sure why I'd kept that kit here because I never did any woodworking at the apartment.

That was about to change.

I reverently unrolled the kit and studied each tool. I wanted this work to be so detailed and demanding that I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. I wanted to work until my hands ached and I absolutely had to set the thing down.

Blaine knocked on my door a few hours later to deliver the pizza he'd ordered but I told him to go away. I worked on, late into the night, and eventually I realized this wasn't something I'd finish in an evening. No, it would take
many
more sessions. When I was too tired to go on I just dropped down on my bed. I didn't bother to go under the covers—too much work. I lay on top, fully dressed.

I glanced down at my leg brace, trying to comprehend the new reality I'd be experiencing for the next month or so. I had to wear the thing at all times, even in bed, which made it impossible for me to sleep on my left or right side. Lying flat for eight hours straight always caused my lower back to ache and I knew I'd wake up sore in the morning.

Welcome to your new world, Kade.

Sure enough, when I got up the next morning, my lower back positively ached. Blaine left early that day, dropping a basket of clean clothes and a carton of cigarettes inside my door before nodding a vague goodbye, clearly irritated with me for refusing to get along with my brother. I didn't really care. I'd struck out on my own, leaving home at seventeen, whereas Jed was still living life as a pampered and sheltered eighteen year old. He was the boy Mom and Dad loved and wanted, not me.

They could have him.

I could feel Jed's eyes on me whenever I left the room to crutch-walk to the washroom or grab a snack. It made me feel so humiliated. When he was home, he was
usually jamming in the living room with the members of his indie rock band, and pretended to ignore me. I acted like I hated the music, and a couple of times I threatened to kick them out, but to be honest he had a pretty good singing voice, and the songs were decent. Too bad he'd never take up music full time. Too scared of disappointing Mommy and Daddy. This was probably the most he'd practiced with his band in months.