How to Be Black (7 page)

As a general rule,
never
allow your white friends to say any variation of the word “nigger” but especially in the company of others. It is your job to explain to them why such statements are unacceptable. You can appeal to history. You can explain the continuing pain associated with the term. You can cite family-style in-group versus out-group privileges. Do what you must. The good news is that they will listen to you in a way they would never listen to a random black person they don't know.

When you hear white people ask, “Why is it okay for black people to say the N-word and not me?” those white people are missing a good Black Friend in their lives.

How to Speak for All Black People

M
y own experiences as The Black Friend were merely training exercises for a much larger role. In the classroom, workplace, and beyond, once you're known as someone who is willing to talk about race, you become an official spokesperson for your race. Often your
willingness
isn't actually required. Your mere standing as a member of the group in question is taken as qualification enough. Many a black person has been blindsided by the “what do you think about [insert potentially black-related topic here]?” question. Not thinking about the consequences, the non-black person asking simply reaches for the closest representative he or she can find, but for those unprepared for the call of duty, it can be a traumatic experience, leading to episodes of self-doubt, anger, and dry skin. Where this demand for black spokespeople is acute, however, is in the media.

As a blogger, public speaker, and black-person-who-writes-books-with-the-word-“black”-in-the-title, I've had my fair share of media exposure playing some version of the black spokesperson game. There's usually some kind of blackness emergency in which the cable networks light up a black version of the Bat-signal, hailing any and all potentially credible voices to offer perspective. Sometimes that beam is directed toward me, but unlike Batman, I don't feel the need to respond to every hail. I remember one particularly urgent-sounding invitation from a network.

“[Former Illinois governor Rod] Blagojevich just said he's blacker than Obama! Can you come in?”

“Well, when?”

“Now!”

“No, thanks for thinking of me, but I can't make it in for this one. Maybe next time.”

I bet half the calls Batman responds to are situations people could work out for themselves by employing basic common sense. If I had accepted that invitation to comment on the Blagojevich segment, I would have gone on air, said, “This is dumb,” then sat in silence for the rest of the segment checking my Twitter messages. This would have wasted the network's time, but more important,
my
time. Still, even though I'm occasionally part of the system, that system leaves a lot to be desired.

Faced with declining profit margins, fierce competition from a multiplication of news outlets, and continuing consolidation, the media is barely able to gather and analyze facts (see: pre–Iraq War coverage, housing bubble, the financial crisis, the
continuing
financial crisis, et cetera), much less discuss issues of race in an intelligent manner. Add to their general ineptitude an abysmally low level of diversity among editors and producers at the major media outlets, and you can see why they are so often forced to import “black” experts. Whether about the president's supposedly anti-American pastor, a black athlete's criminality, or the probably racist statements of a white public figure, the U.S. media is continuously searching for a black voice to explain black people. In their ideal world, exactly one Representative of Blackness would hold a national black press conference every few weeks to answer all black-related questions:

• Why do black people riot?

• Is it true you all hate homosexuals?

• What do you have against hockey?

• Et cetera, et cetera.

But with so many competitive news outlets and so many questions, this is not logistically possible. Every network wants its own black spokesperson, and the Reverends Jesse and Al can only cover so much ground.

In this chapter, I will teach you how to take advantage of the booming black spokesperson market and provide a valuable service to the nation's clueless media outlets. Here is a list of what you'll need to be successful:

Part 1—Appearance

Be male

Overlooking the contributions and perspectives of black women is essential to the media narrative of the black experience. For women who are serious about pursuing this line of work, focus on identifying an appropriate black male to represent you to the media.

Have slogans

Make sure they rhyme. What do Jesse Jackson and R. Kelly have in common? They are both powerful black spokesmen, and they rhyme. Never underestimate the media's hunger for a rhyming Negro.

Speak clearly

However, don't enunciate too well. Try not to say “however,” for example. Perfect diction may undermine your black cred. The media will only accept a handful of black spokespeople who sound like they went to the same schools as them.

Don't be too young or too old

The ideal black spokesperson is thirty-five to sixty years old. Toward the younger end, they are looking for the voice of the next generation. On the older end, it's about getting the perspective of civil rights veterans. Once you get too far above sixty, however, you don't play as well for the camera, and you start sounding crazy (see: Bill Cosby).

Wear a suit

Always wear a suit. The media absolutely loves a black man in a suit. It says you mean business. A confusing racial situation can break out at any moment, and you never know when you might get the call, so wear one constantly whether sleeping, jogging, or mowing your lawn. In an emergency, say the complete flooding and near-destruction of a major American city, a tracksuit can be substituted, but only in an emergency.

Part 2—The Black Résumé

For television appearances, the producer or host must be able to cite you as someone deeply in touch with the black experience. Below, we offer a multiple-choice, credibility-establishing résumé template to get you started.

Please select one option from each of the following experience areas
:

Founded:

1. The National Coalition for Operation

2. Operation: National Coalition

3. The Coalition for National Operation

Led protests following:

1. The brutal police shooting of an unarmed black man

2. Any black person's allegations of racial violence by whites

3. The release of yet another Tyler Perry movie

Is a longtime civil rights activist who:

1. Marched with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

2. Saw Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. marching on television

3. Bought chips at a corner store on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard in a major U.S. city

So, if your name is “Joe Smith,” your television intro would go something like this.

To help us understand the situation, we'd like to go to Joe Smith. Joe, of course, is the founder of Operation: National Coalition, once saw Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. marching on television, and led protests following the release of the movie
Madea's Family Reunion
. Thanks for joining us, Joe . . .

Part 3—Black Issues

There are two types of issues: those that have to do with black people and everything else. You must be prepared to comment on both. The following is a media-approved list of official black issues:

• Crime. Why do black people do so much?

• Affirmative action. Why do black people take jobs from white people?

• Poverty. Why are black people poor?

• Racism. Why haven't black people gotten over it already?

• Drugs. Why do black people do them?

• Sunflower seeds. Why do black people love them?

• Welfare. Why are black people on it?

• Hip-hop. Why can't black people just let us have it already? Come on! Gimme!

• The Black Vote. Who are
all
the black people voting for?

• Obama. Do you still like him?

Because all black people also double as black issues, be prepared to discuss any prominent black figure, including:

• Oprah. What is she doing right now?

• Kanye West. Why is he so rude?

• Michelle Obama. She can dance!

• Bill Cosby. Why is he so angry?

• Louis Farrakhan. He's still your official leader, right? Defend his latest extreme statement.

• LeBron James. Why, God, why???

• Any other black person, dead or alive.

You might wonder if it's your role to talk about issues that have no connection to race or blackness, but if you're going to be an effective spokesperson for Black America, it's up to you to create that connection. If you find yourself in the media spotlight, being asked about nuclear proliferation or Riverdance, don't panic. You got this. Just remember your training. Invoke your résumé, adjust your suit, and bring it back to blackness. Your career depends on it.

Part 4—Getting Media to Notice You

As with money, it takes media coverage to get media coverage. To get on TV you need to have been on TV. Confused? Pay attention. You have three key tasks.

1. Be ready for the media

In today's 24/7, always-connected society, a celebrity could say something about your people or urban police could torture a black man at any moment. In fact, while you're studying this guide, something very black is going down, and you're missing it. You are off to a terrible start.

2. Monitor your world for any opportunity to speak blackly

Reading newspapers is optional. Watching television is critical, especially cable news. Listening to talk radio is nice, but reading blogs is better. The beauty of the Internet is that you don't have to wait for a racially tense incident to happen. You just have to search for one. YouTube is essentially a racism-on-demand video service available, free of charge, at any hour of the day. When you find an opportunity, ask yourself, which black issue is at stake? If none, which one can be injected? Also,
are you wearing your suit?

3. Build your own media presence

The first opportunity you find to test your spokesperson skills may not generate the major media coverage it deserves. You need to start by generating your own. Here are some ideas:

• Start a newsletter. The name of it is not important, but the motto should be “Voice of the People.”

• Get a radio show. The fact that you have a show is all that matters. What you say and whether or not it's true is unimportant, so long as you keep talking!

• Blog! All the time! You should post at least twelve times a day. It does not matter what you blog about. Trust me.

• Have several people follow you around with a camera. Occasionally stop in front of government buildings and issue statements. Again, what you say is not important, only that you capture it on camera.

Part 5—Hating on Other Black People

A big part of your job as Spokesperson for Black America may be to hate on other black people, especially those who pose a threat to your standing. I recommend the following tactics:

• Challenge their blackness and claim they are out of touch, especially by asserting that a white person is blacker than they are.

• Accuse them of being racist and acting against the interests of black people.

• Spread one of their controversial, out-of-context sound bites that makes it sound like they said something exactly the opposite of what you know they said.
*

Bonus—The Alternative Conservative Path

Let's face it. By following my advice, you will become a spokesperson for Black America, but you'll make it by playing the traditional role of aggrieved liberal Negro expected by the media. What I've shown above works, but it's also uninspired and unoriginal. If you are serious about making a mark, and
money
, then consider playing the part of Conservative Black Spokesperson.

The key to success as a Conservative Black Spokesperson is to take the “Hating on Other Black People” section on the previous page and build your entire strategy on that one element.

Your explanation for every media-approved black issue is quite simple. You just blame black pathology. For example, while it may be true that substance abuse occurs at a lower rate among young blacks than whites but rises to outweigh whites later in life,
*
there is no market for that kind of fact-based commentary, and you will quickly find yourself out of a job if you insist on repeating such nonsense. Your job is to blame Black America for the drug problem, crime, homelessness, unemployment, the price of oil, and the budget deficit. Most important, you must attribute such negative behaviors to an innate dysfunction within the black psyche.

If you're asked to comment on a black public figure, don't hesitate to extrapolate his or her negative behavior to the entire black population. If a black professional athlete severely injures a club-goer, it's just another example of the hyperviolent nature of black men. You should use this case as a launching point to criticize single-parent households and more black pathology.

You
cannot
overexploit these opportunities. It's simply not possible.

If you find yourself running out of ways to blame black people, use any of the following tactics to distract your host:

• Invoke the success of minority immigrants who came here voluntarily.

• Cite the number of decades since the end of slavery.

• Blame hip-hop.

• Point to the example of Barack Obama.

• Blame hip-hop again.

This technique works whether for anti–affirmative action crusaders of the 1990s or black Tea Party members of the 2010s. Whichever black spokesperson path you choose, conservative or traditional, take pride in the fact that both can be equally unhelpful to your people.

Beyond the Media

In all likelihood, you won't be called to perform such a high-profile task as representing all black people in the media, but you can still use this training in your everyday life. Scale the lessons down. Most of them still apply to smaller contexts, like drinks with coworkers or hanging out with non-black friends. Inevitably, someone in this group will ask you, “Dayshawn”—your name is Dayshawn to these people—“what do you think about [black issue x]?” Know that by “you” they mean “all black people everywhere,” and answer appropriately.

Your answer may not be broadcast live on cable news, but it is no less important. You never know who among your non-black friends and colleagues will end up writing black characters for a TV show or movie, so answer carefully! The fate of the race depends on you.