How to Make Her LET GO & GIVE IN: The No-Bullshit Guide to Great Sex (5 page)

Because of these feelings of shame he will lose his self-respect and self-esteem. He can cover up these sensations with a false sense of pride. Covering them up happens in a lot of ways: an arrogant attitude, a nice guy mask, a need to dominate others in other aspects of his life, an overly controlling attitude towards her, etc.

This need for over-compensation shows her he simply doesn’t
‘get it’
. Sooner or later, she will see that this is just a façade for a sad man and therefore she will lose respect for him.

I myself had sexual insecurities for quite a long time. It was the force behind my quest of becoming a woman’s best lover. It took me a long time before I was able to take off my mask, but once I did it felt liberating and I understood what sexuality for me was all about. My sexual experiences and the ones of all the women I encountered, became much better and fulfilling.

The path then made me turn from a guy that tried to hide his insecurities into a real man who is confident to express his desires and fears, learned me one simple, yet important lesson:
success breeds success and failure breeds failure
. It’s much easier being a real guy when you’re on a roll than when you’re down on your luck for a constant period.

If you are having severe problems with your sexual confidence, realize that fixing your emotional damage and frustrations are problems that can’t be adjusted in a matter of minutes. There are no quick fixes or easy tricks to make you feel more masculine.

It’s not something you will learn by reading a book alone. It’s a process that takes time and perseverance from your end. This process is very personal because you need to look deep within
yourself
for answers.

Only you have the key that opens the door to become unchained and sexually confident. Neither I nor anybody else can open this door for you. What I
can
do is give you clues on how to turn the key.

Five Tips to Become Sexually Confident

1. Confidence through knowledge

Educate yourself about sexuality. Insecurity is often linked with not understanding or knowing how to do something. The more you are replacing your fears and insecurities with facts, the more confident you will become.

Reading this book is a good first step, but make sure it doesn’t stop here. Inform yourself with the things you feel that are important in your quest of sexual confidence. Do this by being inquisitive, observant, and open-minded. Books, articles, new sexual experiences, the females in your life, and talking about it with friends are all opportunities to learn.

You will notice that over time, every bit of knowledge and understanding replaces a part of your insecurities, which will lead to a strong foundation that builds up your sexual confidence.

2. Confidence through responsibility

Some people have the tendency of blaming all of their problems on circumstances. Negative circumstances can put a strain on your life and sexual confidence, but this does not mean you have to blame everybody else for it. If you didn’t give her an orgasm, don’t jump to blame her by saying she’s a difficult one. No, instead look at yourself first and find ways of preventing this problem.

The problem with blaming others leads to two negative consequences:

The first one is that it will cause negative emotions in her. If you make it clear to her that it’s her fault that she didn’t have an orgasm, she can resent you for it or feel guilty. Either way, it’s not going to improve your love life.

The second problem is that you will not get to learn. Of course it’s easier to blame her for not getting off because
she’s not able of letting go,
but it will not give you any useful information either. A better reaction is to turn your ego down a notch and look at the problem by using some objective glasses. Confronting yourself and being honest are necessary in order to grow.

3. Confidence through connections

Although it’s true that you are the only one that can allow yourself to be liberated and confident, this does not mean other people around you can’t support you.

My recommendation is to find those who will give you emotional support and advice, and avoid the ones that prevent you from becoming sexually confident. So, be wise about the people you allow into your life.

I had the luck of finding other men and woman who showed me the ropes. People with an awareness of their own sexuality make great teachers from whom you can learn. They can make you feel better when you’re feeling down and you can learn from their words, experiences and how they interact with others.

If you’re in a relationship right now, include your girlfriend in your quest of becoming a better lover. Be open about it because there is nothing to hide. You can maybe give her this book, which might lead to a stronger connection and to some interesting discussions. If she loves you, she will realize that your goal to become a better lover will benefit her relationship with you. Don’t worry; she’ll support you all the way. And if she doesn’t, she belongs to the group of people you should avoid.

4. Confidence through intuition

The most important advice I can give you is to follow your instincts and intuition. Your instincts are based on an emotional process that gives us information without the use of our analytical and rational mind. It’s a little voice that whispers what’s best for us.

This may seem counter-productive when compared to some of the advice I gave above, but it isn’t. Of course I want you to think and analyse your sexuality, but not during sex. During sex you need to give in into those primal desires from deep within. If you start thinking too much, you’ll block out your intuition that tells you to follow these desires.

Intuition is a process on an unconscious level of our brain, so it might be hard to trust this little voice. A lot of people, and especially men, like to rely on reason to make decisions. Following your logical brain is easy because it’s based on facts we’re conscious of. It’s easier to trust what you see than the things you don’t.

Even if it’s hard to trust your instincts, give in to them because they really know what you need. If you find it hard to get in touch with your intuition, you can use a simple trick that can work in any situation.

Just ask yourself:
what would you really want to do now?
You want to talk to that girl on the bus? Want to tell your boss to piss off? Want to walk away from someone you don’t like?

I’m not saying you should always act on these instincts. Sometimes it’s just not possible to get mad at your boss or go to another place. But in the bedroom, you can do whatever you want. This is one of the few times you can truly follow up on your instincts and do whatever comes to mind.

5. Confidence through perspective

Sex and sexuality have an important place in our lives. This does not mean that you have to position your sex life at the centre of your universe. Becoming a good lover should be one of many aspects of your life, so make sure you have lots of interesting and cool things going on in the meantime.

This will put away a lot of the stress revolving around your sex life. It will make you a lot more relaxed, which makes you a much ‘realer’ guy. In return she will feel more relaxed, which makes it easier to reach the real her.

Enhancing Trust Through a Non-Judgemental Attitude

There are many ways of deepening your sexual relationship. Going away on vacation together, showing you care by helping her through difficulties, a simple phone call from time to time, etc.

These are all great as it shows you want to get involved with her. But to deepen the sexual part of the relationship, you need to give her more than these gestures. You need to give her the
gift of acceptance
.

You need to
accept
her for who she is. When feeling accepted, the feelings of intimacy grow. It feels wonderful to be yourself and be loved for it, doesn’t it? This means you also need to accept her sexuality, so she too can feel wonderful for being herself inside the bedroom.

The feeling of knowing she can be anything she wants when she’s making love to you gives her freedom. She can discover every aspect of her sexuality while feeling safe because she has trust in you and knows you won’t judge her.

To make her feel like this, you need to have a non-judgemental attitude. Through my experience I’ve noticed that a lot of men don’t have this attitude. A lot of men and women have issues revolving around sexuality. We all have desires, urges and fantasies, but at the same time we’ve learned to tame our primal nature. We cover up our true desires with societies beliefs, morals and values.

We do not only apply these values to ourselves, we project them unto other people. There’s a lot of projection occurring that puts pressure on people to behave in certain ways due to people around them. And for women, this pressure is higher than for men. Take this pressure away from both yourself and her in order to become sexually liberated.

Most, however not all, women are brought up to become ‘good girls’ who have to behave according to the general standards of their surrounding society and family. People around her make it clear that there are both appropriate and inappropriate ways to act. All of this built-up pressure can cripple her sexuality.

There is nothing wrong with being influenced by the sexual morals and standards of our environment. But I also think that our primal, sexual desires are natural and instinctive. When following these instincts instead of surrounding values, people can only decide for themselves about what they want or don’t want.

When it comes to her sexuality there are lots of things she wants to do, yet before she gives in to her feelings of lust, she needs to know if she can first trust you.

She doesn’t want you to see her as a slut or to be labelled as non-relationship material. She wants you to respect her, even if she’s giving in to her primal desires. The best way to make her think this, is by having a non-judgemental attitude. With this state of mind, you are giving her permission to
‘go all the way’
without making her feel bad about it.

Being non-judgemental goes further than not judging her for having some fun in bed with you. It also means you can deal with her previous sexual encounters and the motives as to why she had sex. Maybe she didn’t always have sex within a committed relationship, it’s possible that she had one-night stands, threesomes or had sex because she felt lonely.

It’s important for her to know you are OK with it because if you don't express this, she will not feel accepted and when she doesn’t feel this, she feels your pressure. This in-turn makes her afraid of giving in to her primal desires. If you don’t do this, you will never see a beautiful part of her. Accept her sexuality and she will feel free.

A good thing about this attitude is that she will be more open about her sexual life. This gives
you
the opportunity to screen
her
as well. She will find herself giving you information about herself that you may or may not like, but at least you'll be better informed about what makes her tick. So whenever you are in the beginning of a sexual relationship, definitely show a non-judgemental attitude. This way, you will learn more about her, including her sexual encounters and preferences.

If there are some things about her that you just can’t accept, you can do two things: break it off and look for someone that suits you better, or don’t get seriously involved. When you feel you can’t accept her, don’t put your own emotions into the sexual relationship. Instead, try to keep it as casual as possible. When not being emotionally attached, it will be a lot easier to be non-judgemental towards her.

Some examples that follow this paragraph can help you with giving her this feeling of trust. You need to be aware that a woman will screen the way you react. She will notice it when you’re giving her a reaction of disapproval, which will lead to her withholding information and being hesitant to give in to her sexual urges, as you’ve put pressure on her to be a
good girl.

If she talks about her ex-boyfriend who treated her badly and then dumped her, don’t put the blame on her. “
Why did you even stay with that guy
?
It’s like you don’t have any self-esteem, you degraded yourself to be someone’s slut,”
are bad replies. Be kind to her and say something like: “
Sorry to hear that babe, Lucky you found me now
,” with a big smile on your face.

You pick her up at her door and she’s wearing a short, sexy dress that shows off her ass and cleavage. Be happy she did, because she did it to please you. So, don’t say things like: “
Why are you looking like a whore? Put something else on, Can’t you at least try to be respectable
?” Make her happy because she tried to make you happy, so give her a compliment instead. “
Wow babe, thanks for making yourself look all sexy for me. I’m going to show you off to all of my friends
!”

Sometimes a woman has weird sexual preferences. I’ve met a girl that asked me to pee on her once. I’m not into those kind of things but this does not mean I gave her a judgemental reply. I could say: “
What’s wrong with you? You’re a fucking nasty slut. How can you even ask me this
?” Instead I told her: “
Never tried anything like that, it’s not really my kind of thing
.” This was a neutral reply that did not make her feel like a nasty slut.

Even if you’re not judging her but judge other people’s sexuality, she will lose trust. If she’s gossiping about a friend and says, “
Oh my goodness, I can’t believe Jessica slept with that guy.
She didn’t even know him!”,
don’t go along with her by agreeing that Jessica is a slut. Instead keep it fun and playful: “
I hope she got off last night
,” while grinning at her.